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Ireland's And All Members Jokes And Picture Thread For All Days Of The Week

Discussion in 'Safety valve' started by ireland, Dec 25, 2005.

  1. ireland

    ireland Active member

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    [​IMG]
    CLICK ON THE FORUM RULES PICTURE TO READ THE AFTERDAWN RULES


    A Public Meeting Place For Open Discussion
    HERE

    http://forums.afterdawn.com/thread_view.cfm/321926


    I am starting a new thread,please no bitching
    WE HAVE A BITCH THREAD HERE.....

    http://forums.afterdawn.com/thread_view.cfm/539722





    There were 11 people hanging on to a single rope that suspended them from a helicopter trying to bring them to safety. Ten were men; one was a woman.

    They all decided that one person would have to let go because if they didn't, the rope would break and all of them would die.

    No one could decide who it should be. Finally the woman gave a really touching speech, saying how she would give up her life to save the others, because women were used to giving things up for their husbands and children and giving in to men.

    All of the men started clapping.
     
    Last edited: Aug 15, 2007
  2. ireland

    ireland Active member

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    [​IMG]
    One fall day, Dave was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse going down the street, followed by another hearse, followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file.

    Intrigued, Dave went up to the man following the second hearse and asked who was in the first one. "My wife," the man replied.

    "I'm sorry," said Dave. "What happened to her?"

    "My dog bit her and she died."

    Dave was taken aback. "And who's in the second hearse?"

    "My mother-in-law. My dog bit her too and she died as well."

    Dave asked, "Can I borrow your dog?"

    "Get in line."
     
    Last edited: Dec 25, 2005
  3. ireland

    ireland Active member

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    [​IMG]
    The female always make the rules.
    The rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.

    No male can possibly know all the rules.

    If the female suspects the male knows the rules she must immediately change some or all of the rules.

    The female is never wrong.

    If the female is wrong, it is due to a misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the male did or said wrong.

    The male must apologize immediately for causing said misunderstanding.

    The female may change her mind at any time.

    The male must never change his mind without the express written consent of the female.

    The female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.

    The male must remain calm at all times unless the female wants him to be angry and/or upset.

    The female must, under no circumstances, let the male know whether or not she wants him to be angry and/or upset.

    The male is expected to mind read at all times.

    The female is ready when she is ready.

    The male must be ready at all times.
     
    Last edited: Dec 25, 2005
  4. ireland

    ireland Active member

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    [​IMG]

    Four Letter Words

    A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. Her mother asked, "How was the honeymoon?"

    "Oh, Mum," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."

    Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, Mum, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language...things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home.... Please Mum!"

    "Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?"

    "Please don't make me tell you, Mum," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! Come get me, please!"

    "Darling, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"

    Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mum, they were words like dust, wash, iron, cook!"
    [​IMG]
     
    Last edited: Dec 25, 2005
  5. boob

    boob Guest

    i only have racial jokes and i dont think those are welcome.
     
  6. ireland

    ireland Active member

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    @boob your 100% right[​IMG]

    Reverse Psychology

    A very shy guy goes into a pub on Valentine's Day night and sees a beautiful woman sitting alone at the bar.
    After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I brought you a drink?"

    She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"

    Everyone in the pub is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table totally red faced.

    After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologises. She smiles at him and says, "I'm really sorry if I embarrassed you just then. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

    The man responds, at the top of his lungs, "No I will not pay $200!"
     
  7. xboxdvl2

    xboxdvl2 Regular member

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    ive got heaps of jokes but some are dirty or aimed at blondes or racist.i can't think of any clean ones off the top of my head right now.nice jokes there ireland.
     
  8. ireland

    ireland Active member

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    A man came home from work sporting two black eyes.

    "What happened to you?" asked his wife.

    "I'll never understand women," he replied. "I was riding up in an escalator behind this pretty young girl, and I noticed that her skirt was stuck in the crack of her bum. So I pulled it out, and she turned around and punched me in the eye!"

    "I can certainly appreciate that," said the wife, "But how did you get the second black eye?"

    "Well, I figured she liked it that way," said the husband, "So I pushed it back in."
    [​IMG]
     
    Last edited: Dec 25, 2005
  9. ireland

    ireland Active member

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    Three men were walking down a street and found a bottle laying on the side of the road. They picked it up and a genie popped out. The genie said, "You will each get one wish."
    The first man wished he was 20 times smarter. The genie made him 20 times smarter. The second man wished he was 30 times smarter. The genie made him 30 times smarter. The last man wished he was 60 times smarter.

    The genie turned him into a woman.
    [​IMG]
     
  10. ireland

    ireland Active member

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    A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife. He says to the doctor, "Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things." "Well, " the doctor replied, "go home and tonight stand about 15 feet from her and say something to her. If she doesn't reply move about five feet close and say it again. Keep doing this so that we'll get an idea about the severity of her deafness".
    Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed. He starts off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she is chopping some vegetables and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" He hears no response. He moves about five feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves five feet closer. Still no reply. He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks again, "Honey, what's for dinner?" She replies, "For the fourth time, vegetable stew!"
    [​IMG]
     
  11. geestar20

    geestar20 Active member

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  12. ireland

    ireland Active member

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    geestar20
    that one was for friday,this one is for every day.....*(so their.....
     
  13. Phyco_Can

    Phyco_Can Guest

    @ireland LMAO, ok i got 2 jokes but no pic,too bad.......

    1)ok so the kingo of the jungle(the lion) decides hes not hunting for his own food anymore so he orders the rest of the jungle animals to bring min meat,and if he was displeased there would be severe punishment so the wolverine brings him a bobcat ,the lion says thank you you are dimissed ,the monkey comes with grapes and the lion goes,what the hell is this.and starts sticking the grapes up the monkeys @$$ and instead of yelling the monkey starts laghing harder and harder so the lion is finnaly fed up with it and says why are you laghing ,the monkey goes,the baboon came with a watermelon.......

    2)never mind i just remembered it was a dirty joke
     
  14. ireland

    ireland Active member

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    [​IMG]
    Accidental Meeting

    A woman and a man get into a car accident, and it's a bad one.

    Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman... Wow! Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."

    The man replied," I agree with you completely; this must be a sign from God!"

    The woman continued, "And look at this - here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

    Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man shakes his head, opens it and says "You take the first drink", then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately chugs half of it, puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

    The woman asks, "Aren't you having any?"

    The man replies, "No. I think I will just wait for the police..."


     
  15. ireland

    ireland Active member

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    Til Death Do Us Part

    A woman announces to her friend that she is getting married for the fourth time.

    "How wonderful! But I hope you don't mind me asking what happened to your first husband?"

    "He ate poisonous mushrooms and died."

    "Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?"

    "He ate poisonous mushrooms, too, and died."

    "Oh, how terrible! I'm almost afraid to ask you about your third husband."

    "He died of a broken neck."

    "A broken neck?"

    "He wouldn't eat the mushrooms."
    [​IMG]
     
  16. ireland

    ireland Active member

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    [​IMG]

    off topic

    PROOF THAT THE WORLD IS NUTS!


    There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the
    countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the
    privilege of having sex for the first time...Reason: under Guam
    law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. (Let's just
    think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world
    that even comes close to this?)

    In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her
    adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The
    husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner
    desired. (Ah! Justice!)

    Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only
    in tropical fish stores. (But of course!)

    In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband,
    and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to
    witness the act. (Makes one shudder at the thought.)

    In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex
    with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
    I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass
    this law?)

    In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines
    with one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending
    machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for
    consumption on the premises."
    (Is this a great country or what? Not as great as Guam!)

    Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
    (Who volunteers for this stuff?)

    Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for
    pleasure.(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)

    The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
    (Hummm....I won't touch THAT one!)

    The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its
    own weight and always falls over on its right side when
    intoxicated. From drinking little bottles of...? -- did the govt.
    pay for this research??)

    Butterflies taste with their feet. (Ah, geez)

    An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.
    (I know some people like that.)

    Starfish don't have brains. (I know some people like that too)

    And, the best for last..... Turtles can breathe through their
    butts. (Do you think they have bad breath?)

     
  17. ireland

    ireland Active member

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    How to Shower Like a Woman

    How to Shower Like a Woman

    1. Take off fourteen layers of clothing you put on this morning.

    2. Walk to bathroom wearing robe and towel on head. If you happen to see boyfriend/husband along the way, ignore juvenile "turban-head" jokes and run to bathroom.

    3. Look at womanly physique in the mirror and stick out stomach so as to complain about how fat you're getting.

    4. Turn on hot water only.

    5. Get in the shower -- once you've found it through all the steam.

    6. Look for facecloth, armcloth, legcloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone.

    7. Wash hair once with Cucumber and Lemon shampoo with 83 added vitamins.

    8. Rinse hair.

    9. Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lemon conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.

    10. Wash face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red and raw.

    11. Try to wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Java Cake body wash.

    12. Complain bitterly when you realize that your boyfriend/husband has once again been EATING your Ginger Nut and Java Cake body wash.

    13. Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes as you must make sure that all the conditioner has come off).

    14. Debate shaving armpits and legs and decide that you can't be bothered.

    15. Scream loudly when your boyfriend/husband flushes the toilet and you get a rush of cold water.

    16. Turn hot water on full and rinse off.

    17. Dry with a towel the size of a small African country.



    How to Shower Like a Man

    1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile on the floor.

    2. Walk to bathroom wearing a towel. If you see your girlfriend/wife along the way, flash her.

    3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs. (No.)

    4. Turn on the water.

    5. Check for pecs again. (Still No.)

    6. Get in the shower.

    7. Don't bother to look for a washcloth. (You don't use one.)

    8. Wash your face.

    9. Wash your armpits.

    10. Wash your penis and surrounding area.

    11. Wash your bum.

    12. Shampoo your hair, do not use conditioner.

    13. Make a shampoo Mohawk.

    14. Open the door and look at yourself in the mirror.

    15. Pee.[​IMG]

    16. Rinse off and get out of the shower.

    17. Return to the bedroom wearing a towel, if you pass your girlfriend/wife, flash her.


     
    Last edited: Dec 27, 2005
  18. ireland

    ireland Active member

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    Fear Not [​IMG]
    One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, the townspeople were in church, listening to the organ play.

    Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone was evacuated from the Church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

    Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

    The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

    Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"

    "Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

    Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

    The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years!"
     
  19. ireland

    ireland Active member

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    [​IMG]

    A collection of insults!

    Even your best friend cheats on you and lies to you, and that's the best friend you can get.

    I don't think you are a fool. But then, what's my own humble opinion against thousands of others?

    Nobody says that you are dumb. They just say you were sixteen years old before you learned how to wave goodbye.

    People say that you are the perfect idiot. I say that you are not perfect, but you are doing alright.

    Ordinarily people live and learn. You just live.

    The mind reader had a very busy day today reading minds. You were a vacation for him.

    I thought of you all day today when I was at the zoo.

    When you talk, other people get hoarse just listening.

    I would say that you are barking up the wrong tree, but that is your natural voice.

    I reprimanded my brother for mimicking you. I told him not to act like a fool.

    I'm very careful of how I express my opinions of you because I want to put as much vituperation in them as possible.

    I don't hold your behavior against you because I realize it was caused by childhood trauma; your parents spanked you when you fell on your head and broke the cement.

    Is your name Maple Syrup? It should be, you sap.

    You spent so much time trying to get rid of that halitosis that you had only to find out that you are not popular anyway.

    You are the kind of person who, when one first meets you, one doesn't like you. But when one gets to know you better, one hates you.

    We know that romance brings out the beast in you -- the jackass.

    I'm looking forward to the pleasure of your company since I haven't had it yet.

    There are several people in this world that I find obnoxious and you are all of them.

    All of your girlfriends kiss you with their eyes closed. Considering your face, that's the only way they could.

    I hear that when your mother first saw you, she decided to leave you on the front steps of a police station while she turned herself in.

    Yours was an unnatural birth; you came from a human being.

    You have nothing to fear from my base instincts; its my finer ones that tell me to kill you.

    It's your life -- but I wish you'd let us have it.

    Hey, act your age -- senile!

    I've had many cases of love that were just infatuation, but this hate I feel for you is the real thing.

    You're the best at all you do -- and all you do is make people hate you.

    In the dictionary under the word, "stupid," it says, "see him."

    We know you could not live without us. We'll pay for the funeral.

    We do not complain about your shortcomings, but about your long sayings.

    Don't you realize that there are enough people to hate in the world already without your working so hard to give us another?

    The thing that terrifies me the most is that someone might hate me as much as I loathe you.

    When you get run over by a car, it shouldn't be listed under accidents.



     
    Last edited: Dec 28, 2005
  20. IHoe

    IHoe Senior member

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    Top Ten Reasons to Celebrate Hanuakkah....

    No. 10
    No big, fat guy getting stuck in your chimney.

    No. 9
    Cleaning wax off your menorah is slightly easier
    than dismantling an 8-foot tall fir tree.

    No. 8
    Compare: chocolate gelt vs. fruitcake.

    No. 7
    You get to learn cool new words like "Kislev" and
    "far-shtoonken-ah."

    No. 6
    No brutal let-down when you discover that Santa
    Claus isn't real.

    No. 5
    Your neighbors are unlikely to complain about how
    your menorah is blinding them senseless.

    No. 4
    It's like a big reunion when everyone gathers at the
    Chinese restaurant on Christmas Eve.

    No. 3
    In a holiday character face-off, Judah Macabee could
    kick Frosty's butt.

    No. 2
    No need to clean up big piles of reindeer poop off
    your roof

    And the Number One reason why everyone should
    celebrate Hanuakkah is:

    **.None of that Naughty or Nice nonsense**
    Everyone gets loot !!!

    HAPPY Hanuakkah!!!
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    THREE WISE JEWISH WOMEN



    What would have happened if three wise Jewish women had gone to Bethlehem instead of three wise men? They would have:
    - asked directions.
    - arrived on time.
    - helped deliver the baby.
    - hired someone to clean the stable.
    - made a brisket.
    - and brought practical gifts.
    And what would they have said to each other after they left?
    "Did you see the sandals Mary was wearing with that shmatta?"
    "That baby doesn't look anything like Joseph!"
    "Virgin? I knew her in school!"
    "Can you believe they let all of those disgusting animals in there?"
    "I heard that Joseph doesn't have a job."
    "And that donkey they are riding has seen better days!"
    "We'll just see how long it will take to get your brisket dish back.
     

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