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GrandpaBW: its friday funnies

Discussion in 'Safety valve' started by andmerr, Oct 8, 2004.

  1. andmerr

    andmerr Guest


    Yes its friday and its time for a laugh,

    aNY I FORGOT PLEASE ADD

    andmerr





    "One time we were driving through a construction zone and
    the sign said, SPEED LIMIT 35 AHEAD. And there were four of
    us in the car. We were through there in no time." --Geechy
    Guy

    -------------------------------------------------

    An American astronaut has an emergency during his re-entry
    into earth's atmosphere and his space craft crash-lands in
    the Australian bush, way out in the middle of nowhere.

    After what seems like an eternity, he wakes up in a bush
    clinic, very rustic, dirty, with foul smells and he is
    bandaged from head to foot. He sees a very large, somewhat
    gruff looking nurse approaching him as he lay in his cot.

    "Did I come here to die?" he says with a deep sense of
    resignation and fear.

    "No," the Aussie nurse replies, "You came here yesterdiaay.

    -------------------------------------------------

    "I'm sitting at the opera, and I'm thinking, 'Look how much
    work it takes to bore me to tears.'" ---Dave Attell

    -------------------------------------------------

    From Peter

    An employee decided that he needed a few days off and
    realized that he had run out of leave time. He figured the
    best way to get the Boss to send him home was to act a
    little crazy as he would think that the employee was
    burning out and give him some time off.

    The employee came in to work early the next day and began
    hanging upside-down from the ceiling. One of his co-workers
    (she's blonde -- it'll be important later) came in and
    asked what he was doing.

    "Shh," he said, "I'm acting crazy to get a few days off.
    I'm a light bulb."

    A second later the Boss walked by and asked what the
    employee was doing.

    "I'm a light bulb!" he exclaimed.

    "You're going crazy," he said. "Take a few days off."

    With that, the employee jumped down and started walking
    out.

    His blonde co-worker followed him and the Boss asked where
    she was going.

    "I can't work in the dark," she said.

    !

    -------------------------------------------------

    "I've been described as a lighthouse in the middle of a
    bog: Brilliant but useless." -Connor Cruise O'Brien.

    -------------------------------------------------

    My gratitude to Kirstin for this collection of one-liners
    from the Edinburgh Festival…

    I went to the airport to check in and they asked what I did
    because I looked like a terrorist. I said I was a comedian.
    They said, "Say something funny then." I told them I had
    just graduated from flying school. (Ahmed Ahmed at C34)



    I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party
    dressed as a goat. (Marcus Brigstocke at the Assembly
    Rooms)

    Sleeping with pros.titu,tes is like making your cat dance
    with you on its hind legs. You know it's wrong, but you try
    to convince yourself that they're enjoying it as well.
    (Scott Capurro at the Pleasance)

    My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I
    can't help thinking he would have been better off with more
    oxygen. (Jimmy Carr at the ICC)

    You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend
    tells you, because eventually you get tested. She'll go:
    "What's my favourite flower?" And you murmur to yourself:
    "Sh*t, I wasn't listening ... Self-raising?" (Addy
    Van-Der-Borgh at the Assembly Rooms)





    I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would
    have thought the obvious one was "Shout For Help". (Mark
    Watson, Rhod Gilbert at the Tron)

    I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You
    can take the Girl out of Cork ... (Markus Birdman at the
    Pod Deco)

    A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job
    please". The hardware store owner says: "We don't hire
    dogs, why don't you go join The circus?" The dog replies:
    "Well, what would the circus want with a plumber". (Steven
    Alan Green at C34)

    Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can
    be both a winner and a loser at the same time. (Demetri
    Martin at the Assembly Rooms)

    Walking down Princes Street, soaking up the atmosphere, I
    saw a big sign that said: "Bus tours, ten quid." So I
    thought I'd give it a try... What a rip off. Ten quid to
    have a look round a bus! (Seymour Mace at Café Royal)

    I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud
    "I've already got one!" (Norman Lovett at The Stand)



    Ask people about God nowadays and they usually reply, "I'm
    not religious, but deep down, I'm a very spiritual person."
    What this phrase really means is: "I'm afraid of dying, but
    I can't be bothered going to church." (Colin Ramone at The
    Stand)





    -------------------------------------------------

    I know it’s American, but it is the first new blond joke I
    have seen for ages…

    Football analysis by a blonde...

    A guy took his blonde girl friend to her first football
    game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench.
    After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

    "Oh, I really liked it," she replied. "Especially the tight
    pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't
    understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

    Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"

    "Well, I saw them flip a coin and one team got it, and then
    for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get
    the quarterback! Get the quarterback! Hel-LLLO! It's only
    25 cents!"

    -------------------------------------------------


    Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the
    other person to die.

    _X_X_X_X_X_[small][/small]
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 8, 2004
  2. andmerr

    andmerr Guest

    yes its friday and heres another installment for one and all.

    andmerr



    Hi Guys

    Friday funnies time!


    Cheers
    -----------------------------------------------------------

    One night a guy got really plastered. In the morning, he

    rolled over and sleeping peacefully beside him was the
    ugliest girl he'd ever seen.

    Very quietly, he slipped his arm out from under her, got
    up, and dressed as fast as he could. He put a twenty-dollar
    bill on the bureau and started to tip-toe out.

    Just then he felt a tug on his pant leg. Looking down, he
    saw a girl just as ugly as the one in the bed.

    She looked up at him, smiled a toothless smile, and asked,
    "What? Nothing for the bridesmaid?"

    -----------------------------------------------------------------------



    We always hold hands…. If I let go, she shops.

    -----------------------------------------------------------------------

    "If God had wanted us to vote, he would have given us
    candidates." ---Jay Leno

    -----------------------------------------------------------------------

    I walked into a coffee shop on Halloween to find the woman
    behind the counter with a bunch of sponges pinned to her
    uniform.

    "I'm assuming this is a costume, but just what are you
    supposed to be?" I asked.

    The waitress responded proudly, "I'm self-absorbed."

    -----------------------------------------------------------------------



    The young mother was advised by a psychiatrist, "You are
    far too upset and worried about your son. I am going to
    give you a prescription for some tranquillizers that I want
    you to start taking regularly."

    On her next visit the psychiatrist asked, "Have the
    tranquilizers calmed you down any?"

    "Oh, yes" the mother answered. "They do wonders for me."

    "And how is your son now?" he asked.

    "Who cares?" she replied.

    -----------------------------------------------------------------------


    "Martha Stewart is going to jail and Cat Stevens has been
    deported. I feel safer with them off the streets!" --Jay
    Leno

    -----------------------------------------------------------------------

    I was making love to this woman and she started crying.

    I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?"

    She said. "No. I hate myself now."


    -----------------------------------------------------------------------

    Desperate for a unique Halloween costume for an up-coming
    party, my friend, Jessica had an inspired idea.

    She put on a slinky dress and fishnet stockings, and then
    balanced a small table-top on her head. Affixed to it was a
    lamp, a champagne glass and an ashtray with two cigarette
    butts.

    She went as a 'one night stand'......and won first prize!

    -----------------------------------------------------------------------

    Many years ago, in Scotland, a new game was invented. It
    was ruled "Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus
    the word GOLF entered into the English language.

    -----------------------------------------------------------------------

    A City Policeman went up to a vendor selling toys and said,
    "I'm sorry, you can't sell that stuff without a license."

    The peddler replied, "I knew I wasn't selling any, but I
    didn't know the reason."

    -----------------------------------------------------------------------

    An herpetologist (snake expert) brought several snakes to
    show a class at the local community college. A young,
    brunette went up to him after the class to ask more about
    the snakes. She wanted to know if he had ever been bitten
    by a poisonous snake.

    He said "Yep, several times. Most recently a rattler bit me
    right here", and he showed the scar on his arm where the
    snake had sunk it's fangs.

    She looked at the man in awe and asked, "And you lived!?"

    He looked at her, surprised, then grinned and said "You're
    really a blonde, aren't you?"

    -----------------------------------------------------------------------

    "My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think
    she enjoyed it." ---Mark Twain

    -----------------------------------------------------------------------

    From Anne

    God said, "Adam, I want you to do something for me."

    Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"

    God said, "Go down into that valley."

    Adam said, "What's a valley?"

    God explained it to him.

    Then God said, "Cross! the river."

    Adam said, "What's a river?"

    God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the
    hill......."

    Adam said, "What is a hill?"

    So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.

    He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find
    a cave"

    Adam said, "What's a cave?"

    After God explained, he said, "In the cave you will find a
    Woman."

    Adam said, "What's a woman?"

    So God explained that to him, too.

    Then, God said, "I want you to reproduce."

    Adam said, "How do I do that?"

    God first said (under his breath), "Geez....."

    And then, just like everything else, God explained that to
    Adam, as well.

    So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and
    over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman.

    Then, in about five minutes, he was back.

    God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it
    now?"

    And Adam said,

    "What's a headache"?

    --------------------------------------------------








     
  3. b.torrent

    b.torrent Member

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    A small company teeters on the edge of bankruptcy and so the owner summons his two-man sales force into his office.

    “Things aren’t going too well, guys,” he announced grimly. “So to perk up sales I’m announcing a contest. The guy with the most sales gets a blow job.”

    “What does the loser get?” asked one of the salesmen. The owner looked at both men and said, “The loser gets to give it.”
     
  4. baabaa

    baabaa Active member

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    I have been busy, so grab yourself a beer and have a read, some you may have seen, some may not.............

    Last nite I lay in bed, looking at the stars, the beautiful sky and the endless horizon....and suddenly I thought...where the fusk is my roof?

    The 7 C's to consider when choosing a lover: 1. Car 2. Credit Card 3. Country Club shares 4. Credibility 5. Charisma 6. Career and most important 7. Condom size.

    "Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. Yes, is the answer."

    Q:Why were hurricanes usually named after women? A:Because when they arrive they are wet and wild, but when they go they take your house and the car.

    What is the difference between men & women? Women play hard to get, while men get hard to play..

    Do you know what abbreviation ADIDAS stand for?!?! All Day I Dream About Sex!!!

    I'm not as dumb as you look.

    Elvis is dead and I don't feel so good myself.

    How do frogs die? They Kermit suicide.

    Reality is for people who can't face science fiction.

    Umm...your .... ZIP is open...

    Wanna get stoned? Drink wet cement!

    It is better to have one bullet in the hand than ten in the back.

    I intended to become rich while sleeping, but I could not fall asleep yet.

    My thoughts wondering off, I am always everywhere.

    You need 60 muscles to be angry and 20 to smile why would you make things difficult?

    Life is like a nose, you have to take out what is in it !

    Computers are machines to help you solve problems you wouldn't have if you didn't have a computer.

    Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.

    We used to listen to the Doors, now we have Windows.

    I love working. I can look at it for hours.

    No one ever died because of hard labour, but I think :"why would I take the risk?"

    I am in seventh heaven, the other six do not want me.

    Teachers help you with problems that you would not have if they were not there.

    Boys say it's great, boys say it's fine. 9 months later they say it's not mine !

    When my father broke in to my mother I had to sit there for months!

    A bra is a thing that keeps up what would hang down otherwise ...

    Life is beautiful if you are willing to see it

    Secrets, they only last long enough to break you down

    It's the heart afraid of Breaking ... that never learns to dance.

    The IDEAL man does not smoke, does not drink, does not flirt, goes to bed early, in short ... does not exist.
     
  5. baabaa

    baabaa Active member

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    THINGS YOU'D LOVE TO SAY OUT LOUD AT WORK

    1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
    2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to
    pronounce.
    3. How about never? Is never good for you?
    4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in
    public.
    5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it
    my way.
    6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
    7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
    8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
    9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a damn word you're
    saying.
    10. Ahhh...I see the f@$k-up fairy has visited us again.
    11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
    12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
    13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a damn.
    14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
    15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
    16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
    17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an
    artist.
    18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely
    coincidental.
    19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
    20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant
    21. Congratulations, you have officially earned the Dumber Than a Box
    of Rocks Award.
    22. You know the acronym behind your name won't keep me from kicking
    your ass in the parking lot.
    23. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
    24. Do I look like a people person.
    25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
    26. I started out with nothing still have most of it left.
    27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
    28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
    29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
    30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
    31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
    32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
    33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
    34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
    35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
    36. Chaos, panic, disorder - my work here is done.
    37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
    38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.
    39. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
    40. Oh I get it... like humor... but different.


     
  6. zippyd

    zippyd Regular member

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    An officer asks to borrow a dollar from a soldier.

    “Sure, buddy,” says the soldier.

    “That’s no way to address a superior!” screams the officer. “Now let’s try that again. May I borrow a dollar, private?”

    “Sir, no, sir.”
     
  7. andmerr

    andmerr Guest

    "I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe"

    -----------------------------------------------------------------


    A Polar Bear walks into a Bar Polar Bear "May I have a
    Gin----------------and Tonic" Bartender "Why the long
    pause?" Polar Bear (looking down at his feet) "I've had
    them all my Life"



    -----------------------------------------------------------------

    "I see you were last employed by a psychiatrist," said the
    employer to the applicant. "Why did you leave?"

    "Well," she replied, "I just couldn't win. If I was late to
    work, I was hostile. If I was early, I had an anxiety
    complex. If I was on time, I was compulsive."

    -----------------------------------------------------------------

    An aeroplane was taking off from Melbourne Airport for King
    Island. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude,
    the Captain made an announcement over the intercom: "Ladies
    and Gentlemen, this is your Captain speaking. Welcome to
    Flight Number 3 for King Island. The weather ahead is good
    and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful
    flight. Now sit back and relax …. OH, MY God!"

    The passengers snapped to focused attention with a hint of
    terror on their faces.

    Silence followed.

    After a few moments the Captain came back on the intercom
    and said "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am sorry if I scared you
    earlier but, while I was talking to you, the flight
    attendant bought me a cup of coffee and accidentally
    spilled the hot coffee on my lap. You should see the front
    of my pants!"

    A stock agent on a buying trip said to his travelling
    companion: "That’s nothing. He should see the back of
    mine!"

    ----------------------------------------------------------------



    Cos it's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a
    library and go 'Aaaaaagghhh!!' and everyone just stares at
    you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and
    everyone joins in.

    -----------------------------------------------------------------


    Two Brisbane football players were taking an important
    final exam. If they failed the club would put them on an
    academic probation and they would not be allowed to go on
    the end of season trip. The exam was fill-in-the-blank.

    The last question read: "Old MacDonald had a ……………….

    Poor Jason was stumped. He had no idea of the answer. He
    knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed.
    Making sure the assistant coach wasn’t looking, he tapped
    Jonathon on the shoulder.

    "Psst, Jonathan. What’s the answer to the last question?".

    Jonathon giggled and, looking around to make sure the coach
    wasn’t looking, turned to Jason: "Jason, you’re so dumb.
    Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a FARM."

    "Oh year," said Jason, "I remember now." He picked up his
    pencil and started to write the answer in the blank, then
    stopped. Reaching to tap Jonathon’s shoulder again, he
    whispered, "Jonathon, how do you spell farm?"

    "You really are dumb, Jason. That’s so easy. Farm is
    spelled E-I-E-I-O."

    -----------------------------------------------------------------

    From George

    Sitting by the window of her convent, Sister Barbara opened
    a letter from home one evening. Inside the letter was a
    $100 bill her parents had sent.

    Sister Barbara smiled at the gesture. As she read the
    letter by the window, she noticed a shabbily dressed
    stranger leaning against the lamp post below.

    Quickly, she wrote, "Don't despair. Sister Barbara," on a
    piece of paper, wrapped the $100 bill in it, got the man's
    attention and tossed it out the window to him. The stranger
    picked it up, and with a puzzled _expression and a tip of
    his hat, went off down the street.

    The next day, Sister Barbara was told that a man was at the
    door, insisting on seeing her. She went down, and found the
    stranger waiting. Without a word, he handed her a huge wad
    of $100 bills.

    "What's this?" she asked. "That's the $8,000 you have
    coming Sister," he replied. "Don't Despair paid 80-to-1."

    -----------------------------------------------------------------
    From Dianne

    An elderly couple were enjoying a meal together when the
    gentleman asked the lady if she would marry him. She said
    yes she would. Next morning the gentleman couldn't remember
    if she had said yes or no, and rang her to ask. "I'm sorry
    about this but I can't remember if you said yes or no."

    "That's quite alright," was her answer. "I can't remember
    who asked me."

    -----------------------------------------------------------------

    Fron Gai in the USA

    A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest. They
    were looking for people to submit quotes from their
    real-life Dilbert-type managers.

    Here are the top ten finalists:

    1. As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access
    the building using individual security cards. Pictures
    will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive
    their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning quote
    from Fred Dales, Microsoft Corp. in Redmond, WA)

    2. What I need is an exact list of specific unknown
    problems we might encounter. (Lykes Lines Shipping)

    3. E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data.
    It should be used only for company business. (Accounting
    Manager, Electric Boat Company
    4. This project is so important, we can’t let things that
    are more important interfere with it.
    (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

    5. Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the
    schedule. (Plant Manager, Delco Corporation)

    6. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day!
    We’ve been working on it for months. Now, go act busy
    for a few weeks and I’ll let you know when it’s time to
    tell them. (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and
    Manufacturing, 3M Corp.)

    7. Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing
    what I say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

    8. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for
    Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose
    so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of
    the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to
    Friday. He said, "That would be better for me."
    (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)

    9. We know that communication is a problem, but the company
    is not going to discuss it with the employees.
    (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)

    10. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to
    him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him
    if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, "If I wanted
    it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask
    for it!"

    -----------------------------------------------------------------



    A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is
    away to paint the toilet seat. The wife comes home sooner
    than expected, sits, and gets the seat stuck to her rear.

    She is understandably distraught about this and asks her
    husband to drive her to the doctor. She puts on a large
    overcoat so as to cover the stuck seat, and they go. When
    they get to the doctor's, the man lifts his wife's coat to
    show their predicament.

    The man asks, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything like
    this before?"

    "Well, yes," the doctor replies, "but not framed like
    that."
     
  8. baabaa

    baabaa Active member

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    A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her.
    She asks him why he is staring. He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you".
    She answers, " My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to
    see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
    "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
    She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that:
    #1, you have to be single and
    #2, you must be Catholic."
    The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"
    "OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
    The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
    But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
    "My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"
    "Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied. I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
    The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."

    ----------------------------------------------

     
  9. andmerr

    andmerr Guest

    well baabaa heres something to enliven your week



    "Secretary of State Colin Powell has resigned. He says he
    will stay on part-time to help with the transition. So
    basically he's now just a semi-Colin." --Jay Leno

    ----------------------------------------------------------------

    A man was looking for a new caddy one day when his friend
    said, "I know a great caddy - he is 90 years old but he has
    eyes like a hawk."

    "OK, then," said the man, "tell him I'm playing again in a
    week."

    The week passed and they started to play. The golfer hit a
    perfect drive. He was so please with himself that he held
    his follow trough position for several moments. Unwinding,
    he said to the caddy, "Did you see where it went?"

    The caddy said, "I sure did."

    "OK, then, where is it?"

    The caddy replied, "I don't remember."

    ----------------------------------------------------------------

    Once upon a time, allegedly, in a nice little forest, there
    lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By a
    surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth.

    One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the
    snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny
    tripped over the snake and fell down."Oh, my," said the
    bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've
    been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In
    fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I
    am."

    "It's quite OK," replied the snake. "Actually, I, too, have
    been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell
    you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out
    what you are, "Oh, that would be wonderful" replied the
    bunny.

    So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well,
    you're covered with soft fur; you have really long ears;
    your nose twitches; and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd
    say that you must be a bunny rabbit." "Oh, thank you! Thank
    you," cried the bunny, in excitement.

    The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you
    all over with my paw, and help you the same way that you've
    helped me." So the bunny felt the snake all over, and
    remarked, "Well, you're smooth and slippery, and you have a
    forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I'd say you must
    be either a team leader or possibly someone in senior
    management".

    ----------------------------------------------------------------

    I sat there waiting for my new doctor to make his way
    through the file that contained my very extensive medical
    history. After he finished all 17 pages, he looked at me
    and said, "You look better in person than you do on paper."

    ----------------------------------------------------------------

    No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be
    plenty of kittens. ---Abraham Lincoln



    ----------------------------------------------------------------

    The Lone Ranger and Tonto are creeping up to a bandit camp
    on their bellies, when suddenly the Lone Ranger let's out a
    muffled yelp and clutches his rear end.

    "Tonto!...I've been bitten by a rattlesnake...quickly, ride
    to town and ask the doctor what to do!"

    So Tonto scampers back to the horses, jumps up on his
    beloved Scout and rides like forty demons are behind him,
    all the way back to town. Quickly dismounting, he runs into
    the doctor's office.

    "Doctor!...The Lone Ranger...he be bitten by snake....what
    Tonto do?"

    The doctor looks shocked, but quickly summons his wits
    about him.

    "Well, you need to expose the skin, and suck out the
    poison."

    Running back to his horse, Tonto leaps into the saddle once
    more, riding like the wind, he quickly returns to the side
    of his rapdily fading companion. Weakly, the Lone Ranger
    lifts his head...

    "Tonto...thank god....what did the doctor say?"

    Tonto crossed his arms, looking down at his life-long
    friend.

    "Kemo sabe....the doctor say...you gonna die."

    ----------------------------------------------------------------



    At the beginning of the week the teacher said she would ask
    a question on Friday and anyone who could answer the
    question could take Monday off.

    The class worked diligently all week and the teacher asked,
    "How long is piece of string?" The children sat in stunned
    silence.

    At the beginning of the next week she made the same promise
    which was met with the same response from the children. The
    question on Friday was, "How many holes were in a crumpet?"
    The class was bemused.

    The teacher posed the same scenario at the beginning of the
    third week, Monday off if they could answer her question on
    Friday. The children were most attentive this week but
    little Brent Lancaster thought hard and long on how to
    outsmart his teacher.

    Come Friday he purchased some jaffas from the local shop on
    the way to school and he reissted all attempts by his mates
    to share them, requesting them to be patient.

    Just as the teacher was about to ask her question, Brent
    Lancaster rolled the jaffas onto the floor and chaos
    reigned as the kids chased the jaffas. The Teacher said,
    "Who is the comedian?"

    "Me Miss" said Brent Lancaster, "see you all on Tuesday"

    ----------------------------------------------------------------



    Erol, 92 years of age and still kicking. To make sure
    everything was holding together, he used to go to the
    doctor once a fortnight for a check-up. The doctor checked
    Erol as he always did and gave him his prescriptions and
    advice. As Erol left, the doctor smiled to himself at how
    well Erol was doing for a 92 year old.

    The following weekend, the doctor saw Erol out with two
    gorgeous women. One on each arm. One blonde, one brunette,
    both buxome and both wearing not very much.

    When next Erol was in for his check up, the doctor said:
    "Well, you're doing really well for yourself aren't you?"
    to which Erol replied: "I'm just doing what you told me.
    You said get two hot mammas and be cheerful" "No I didn't!"
    The doctor exclaimed, "I told you you had a heart murmer
    and be careful."

    ----------------------------------------------------------------

    Barry took a girl out on her first date. When they pulled
    off into a secluded area around midnight, the girl said,
    "My mother told me to say no to everything."

    "Well," Barry said, "do you mind if I put my arm around
    you?"

    "No," the girl replied.

    "Do you mind if I put my other hand on your leg?"

    "N-n-no," the girl replied.

    "You know," Barry said, "We're going to have a lotta fun if
    you're on the level about this."

    ----------------------------------------------------------------


    A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer
    says, I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."

    The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control
    at 60 perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.

    Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't
    be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise
    control"

    As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over
    at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth
    shut for once?"

    The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful
    your radar detector went off when it did."

    As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal
    radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says
    through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep
    your mouth shut?"

    The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not
    wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."
    The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on,
    but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get
    my license out of my back pocket."

    The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you
    didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat
    belt when you're driving." And as the police officer is
    writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife
    and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"

    The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your
    husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

    " Only when he's been drinking."

     
  10. andmerr

    andmerr Guest




    yes i know its not friday but who cares.Enjoy

    andmerr




    "I saw this water-safety manual that actually says if a
    shark attacks, you should poke it in the eyes! Who wrote
    that, the Three Stooges?"

    --------------------------------------------------------


    A man walked into a quiet bar. He carried three ducks, one
    in each hand and one under his left arm. He placed them one
    beside the other upon the bar. He had a few drinks and
    chatted with the ducks, and with the bartender.

    The bartender was surprised, but experienced and had
    learned not to ask people about animals they bring into the
    bar, so he didn't mention the ducks.. They chatted for
    about another 30 minutes before the man with the ducks had
    to go to the restroom.

    He left the ducks there on the bar. The bartender was alone
    with the ducks. There was an awkward silence as they all
    looked at one another. The bartender decided to break the
    ice and try to make a little conversation.

    "Say, what's your name?" he asked the first duck. "Huey,"
    replied the first duck.

    "How's your day been, Huey?" "Great. Lovely day. Had a
    ball. Been in and out of puddles all day! What else could a
    duck want?", said the duck.

    "Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. Then he said to the
    second duck, "Hi. And what's your name?" "Dewey," came the
    answer from duck number two.

    "So how's your day been, Dewey?", he asked. "Great. Lovely
    day. I've had a ball too! Been in andout of puddles all day
    myself. If I had the chance another day I'd do the same
    again!", said the duck in reply. So the bartender turned to
    the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?" "No," she
    said, "my name is Puddles. And don't even ask what kind of
    day I've had.

    --------------------------------------------------------

    "I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear
    loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting
    clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!"
    --Unknown

    --------------------------------------------------------

    An old man was relaxing at his hundredth birthday party
    when a reporter went up to him. "Sir, what is the secret of
    your long life?"

    The man considered this for a moment, then replied, "Every
    day at 9 PM I have a glass of port. Good for the heart I've
    heard."

    The reporter replied, "That's ALL?"

    The man smiled, "That, and canceling my voyage on the
    Titanic."

    --------------------------------------------------------

    A father and son went fishing one day. After a couple hours
    in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the
    world around him.

    He asked his father, "How does this boat float?"

    The father thought for a moment, then replied, "Don't
    rightly know, Son."

    The boy returned to his contemplation, then turned back to
    his father, "How do fish breathe underwater?"

    Once again the father replied, "Don't rightly know, Son."

    A little later the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky
    blue?"

    Again, the father replied. "Don't rightly know, Son."

    Worried he was going to annoy his father, he says, "Dad, do
    you mind my asking you all of these questions?"

    "Of course not, Son. If you don't ask questions, you'll
    remain ignorant and never learn anything."

    --------------------------------------------------------

    The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map
    reading.

    After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and
    minutes the teacher asked, "Suppose I asked you to meet me
    for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45
    degrees, 15 minutes east longitude...?"

    After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, "I guess
    you'd be eating alone."

    --------------------------------------------------------

    Our local paper runs a popular column called "10 Questions"
    that spotlights people who live in our community.

    In addition to the usual inquiries about occupation and
    age, people are asked the questions that give a snapshot
    look of their personalities.

    Recently one woman was asked, "What's the 'strangest' thing
    you ever bought?"

    She answered, "Dog toothpaste."

    Next question, "What is the 'most common' thing people say
    to you?"

    Her answer: "Where did you get such white teeth?"

    --------------------------------------------------------

    "I married a younger man. Ten years younger than I am. I
    figure it like this: If you can't find a good man, raise
    one." --Unknown

    --------------------------------------------------------



    God, I have a problem."

    "What's the problem Eve?"

    "I know that you created me and provided this beautiful
    garden and all of these wonderful animals, as well as that
    hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."

    "And why is that Eve?"

    "God, I am lonely and bored, and I'm sick to death of
    apples!"

    "Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create
    a man for you."

    "Man? What is that, God?"

    "A flawed, base creature, with many bad traits. He'll Lie,
    cheat and be vain. He will be witless and will revel in
    childish things. He'll be bigger than you and will like
    fighting, hunting and killing things. He won't be too
    smart, so he will need your advice to think properly. He
    will have a very limited emotional capacity and will need
    to be trained. He will look silly when aroused, but since
    you've been complaining, I'll create him in such a way that
    he will satisfy your physical needs. You will most
    certainly never be bored again!"

    "Sounds great", says Eve, with ironically raised eyebrows,
    "but what's the catch, God?"

    "Well...you can have him on one condition."

    "And what's that, God?"

    "As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant and self-admiring...so
    you'll have to let him believe I made him first. It will
    need to be our little secret. You know...woman to woman."

    --------------------------------------------------------

    What do you get when you cross a skunk with a mute owl?

    You get a bird that stinks but doesn't give a hoot.

    --------------------------------------------------------

    Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

    Why does mineral water that has 'trickled through mountains
    for centuries' have a 'use by' date?

    Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a
    billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there
    is wet paint
    somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?


    --------------------------------------------------------

    "No need for me to come out to the house," the doctor told
    the worried caller. "I've checked my files and your uncle
    isn't really ill at all - he just thinks he's sick."

    A week later, the doctor telephoned to make sure his
    diagnosis had been correct. "How's your uncle today?" he
    asked.

    "Worse," came the reply. "Now he thinks he's dead."



    [​IMG]
     
  11. zippyd

    zippyd Regular member

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    A man walks up to his house and notices his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.

    “Grandpa, what are you doing?” he exclaims. The old man looks off in the distance without answering. “Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?” he asks again.

    The old man slowly looks at him and says, “Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma’s idea.”

    ____________________________________________

    A wife wakes up of the middle of the night to find her husband missing from bed. Checking around the house, she hears sounds from the basement. After turning on the light and descending the stairs, she finds her husband curled up into a little ball, sobbing.

    "Honey, what’s wrong?" she asks, worried about what could hurt him so much.

    "Remember, 20 years ago, I got you pregnant, and your father threatened me to marry you or to go to jail?"

    "Yes, of course," she replies.

    "Well, I would have been released tonight."

    ___________________________________________________

    On Christmas morning, a cop on horseback was sitting at a traffic light. Next to him was a kid on his shiny new bike.

    The cop looked down and said to the kid, “Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?”

    The kid said, “Yeah!”

    The cop said, “Well next year, tell Santa to put a tail light on it.” The cop then proceeded to issue the kid a $20 bicycle safety violation ticket.

    The kid took the ticket, but before riding off he said, “By the way, that’s a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?”

    Humoring the kid, the cop said, “Yeah, he sure did.”

    The kid said, “Well next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top.”
     
  12. djcsurf

    djcsurf Guest

    A man driving along suddenly has a deer jump out in front of his car, unable to stop in time he hits the deer full on, killing it instantly.
    He panic's and doesn't know what to do so he puts it in the boot and takes in home.
    The following sunday he decides to cut it up and roast it for dinner for the family, on serving up, the son ask's what the meat is. To avoid stressing the young children the dad say's "Well i'll give you a clue, it's something that your mother calls me!"
    Suddenly the daughter yelps "DON'T EAT IT, IT'S F**KING ARSEHOLE"
     
  13. catfreak

    catfreak Active member

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     ... What happens when you mix viagra and rogaine? ...

     .. You get a Don King hairdoo ..




     ... What is the definition of a true buddy? ...

     .. A true buddy is someone who goes out and gets two BJs .. And brings one back for you ..
     
  14. zippyd

    zippyd Regular member

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    ok it not friday but I got this in my e-mail....(enjoy)

    DAD SAYS:
    Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Well, you see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Popup appeared and said:

    You've Got Male!
    _______________________________________________________

    Definitions of Sex

    "I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."
    * Tom Clancy

    "You know "that look" women get when they want sex?...... Me neither."
    * Steve Martin

    "Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."
    * Woody Allen

    "Bi sexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
    * Rodney Dangerfield

    "There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, especially in women. High on the list is the Mercedes-Benz 500SL."
    * Lynn Lavner

    "Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men have the ability to fake whole relationships."
    * Sharon Stone

    "My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
    * Jack Nicholson

    "Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."* Barbara Bush

    "Ah yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
    * Robin Williams

    "Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."
    * Roseanne

    "Women need a reason to have sex! Men just need a place."
    * Billy Crystal

    "There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
    * Dustin Hoffman

    "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a hou se."
    * Rod Stewart

    "See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
    * Robin Williams
    ______________________________________________________

    Dear Abby,



    My husband is not happy with my mood swings. The

    other day, he bought me a mood ring so he would be

    able to monitor my moods. When I'm in a good mood it

    turns green. When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big

    fu**ing red mark on his forehead. Maybe next time

    he'll buy me a diamond.

    _____________________________________________________
     
  15. andmerr

    andmerr Guest

    still pretty good though for a sunday
     
  16. epepper9

    epepper9 Regular member

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    mmmmmmmmmm sundae

    yeah I know its dry
     
  17. ddp

    ddp Moderator Staff Member

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    thought it was supposed to be wet
     
  18. baabaa

    baabaa Active member

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    Raul, Ronaldo and Beckham were all at Real Madrid's canteen. They were
    eating lunch and Raul said; "Tapas again! If I get tapas one more time
    for lunch I'm going to jump off the top of the stadium."

    Ronaldo opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get
    burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

    Beckham opened his lunch and said, "Ham & Cheese again. If I get a Ham &
    cheese sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

    The next day Raul opened his lunch box, saw Tapas, ran to the top of the
    stadium and jumped off. Ronaldo opened his lunch, saw a burrito and also
    ran to the top of the Stadium and jumped. Beckham opened his lunch, saw
    the ham & Cheese and followed his two team mates. The three, seriously
    injured players, were rushed to hospital where their wives rushed to
    join them...

    Raul's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was
    of Tapas I never would have given it to him again!"

    Ronaldo's wife also weeping, said, "I could have given him tacos or
    enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much." Everyone turned
    and stared at Posh. "Hey, don't look at me," she said, "He makes his own
    lunch!"
     
  19. epepper9

    epepper9 Regular member

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  20. ddp

    ddp Moderator Staff Member

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    epepper9, 2nd that
     

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