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Hell hath no fury liked the crossed?

Discussion in 'Safety valve' started by andmerr, Mar 27, 2005.

  1. andmerr

    andmerr Guest


    I cant remember this being posted but heres for all you people who have been crossed by your financial institution!!


    >>>>Hell hath no fury like the/////?crossed. You might like to use this as
    >>>>a template if you become disillusioned with your bank etc.!!!!!!!
    >>
    >>To whom it may concern.
    >>
    >>I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to
    >>pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must
    >>have elapsed between his depositing the check and the arrival in my
    >>account of
    >>the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic
    >>monthly transfer of funds from my modest savings account, an arrangement
    >>which, I admit, has been in place for only thirty-one years. You are to
    >>be commended
    >>for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my
    >>account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.
    >>
    >>My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused
    >>me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I
    >>personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to
    >>contact you I am >>confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, faceless
    >>prerecorded entity which your bank has recently become.
    >>From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood
    >>person.

    >>My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be
    >>automatic but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and
    >>confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be
    >>aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to
    >>open such an envelope.
    >>
    >>Please find attached an Application Contact Status form which I require
    >>your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but
    >>in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me,
    >>there is no alternative.
    Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be
    countersigned by a Justice of the Peace, and the mandatory details of
    his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be
    accompanied by documented proof. In due course, I will issue your employee
    a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with
    >>me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I
    >>have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access
    >>my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is
    >>the sincerest form of flattery.
    >>
    >>Please allow me to level the playing field even further.

    When you call me, you will now have a menu of options on my new voice mail
    system to choose from.
    >>To make an appointment to see me - press 1.
    >>To query a missing payment - press 2.
    >>To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there - press 3.
    >>To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping - press 4.
    >>To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature - press
    >>5
    >>To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home - press 6.
    >>To leave a message on my computer - press 7. A password to access my
    >>computer is required. Such passwords will be communicated to your
    >>Authorized Contact at a later time and date as is comfortable for me.
    >>To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7 over again
    >>press 8.
    >>To speak live to my pet cat who is in charge of litter - press 9.
    >>To make a general complaint or inquiry, press buttons as indicated above.
    >>The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my
    >>automated answering service. While this may, on occasion involve a
    >>lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
    >>
    >>Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
    >>establishment fee of $50 to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
    >>Please credit my account after each occasion.
    >>
    >>May I wish you an unhappy and far less prosperous New Year.
    >>
    Your Humble Client.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 27, 2005
  2. baabaa

    baabaa Active member

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    As always, you come up with the thread that kills me............................

    I may incorporate that type of thing on my answering machine at home......................

     
  3. andmerr

    andmerr Guest

    that is high praise from some one of your standing O'GREAT one.We try to please one and all

    andmerr
    (court jester)
     
  4. venomX05

    venomX05 Regular member

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    LMAO!!!!

    That's funnier than hell!!!

    LOL!!!

    ;)
     
    Last edited: Mar 28, 2005
  5. jim_dandy

    jim_dandy Active member

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    May I suggest the musak version, of either muskrat love, or feelings.
     
  6. venomX05

    venomX05 Regular member

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    How about "I'm so lonely."

    :)
     
  7. baabaa

    baabaa Active member

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    LOL, and every now and then have a sexy, deep voice repeat 'Thankyou for holding, your call is important to us'.
     
  8. venomX05

    venomX05 Regular member

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    LMAO!!! Now see...that is just plain scary!

    :p
     
  9. jim_dandy

    jim_dandy Active member

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    Not as scary as you in those fancy underthings. he he he
     
  10. andmerr

    andmerr Guest

    maybe have a hologram intro with venom welcoming them in his poka dot thong before they get to press 9 and speak to my cat
     
  11. venomX05

    venomX05 Regular member

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    ROTFLMAO!!!! Ok...I see you all have jokes again!

    Well, you know fully well, that is what brings in the people to aD!

    ;)
     
  12. andmerr

    andmerr Guest

    i'm a lowly jokster compared to the current listings
    the current jokers are:

    1.baabaa
    2.nephilim
    3.ddp
    4.jim_dandy
    5.venom
    .
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    99.andmerr
     
  13. ddp

    ddp Moderator Staff Member

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    me at #3!!! i thought way lower even lower than andmerr
     
  14. venomX05

    venomX05 Regular member

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    LMAO!!!! Now...it isn't that bad!


    ;P
     
  15. baabaa

    baabaa Active member

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    Nah, don't agree with that...............andmerr is definately #1.

    1.andmerr
    2.baabaa
    3.nephilim
    4.ddp
    5.jim_dandy
    6.venom

    Sorry guys, due to the revised listing you have all been pushed down one on the list.
    It really shouldn't make a difference..............

    Hey has anyone tried that game I posted in Nephilims commercial thread, if you didn't, here it is I love it.............Strip Paris Hilton........

    http://www.extremefunnypictures.com/funnypic819.htm

     
  16. jim_dandy

    jim_dandy Active member

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    good game he he he
     
  17. venomX05

    venomX05 Regular member

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    Well at least it gives me a challenge to get up to the number one spot!

    ;)

    That sucks! How in the world am I number 6! For crying out loud!!! I had my work cut out for me, insulting the 6 of you all!

    ;P
     
    Last edited: Mar 31, 2005
  18. baabaa

    baabaa Active member

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    I think it was down to your gif.

    Needs a little more work on it to scare this sheep..........LOL
     
  19. venomX05

    venomX05 Regular member

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    LMAO!!!

    Careful baabaa, I might have to make a new wool blanket!

    And since you are the only sheep around that I can see!

    ROTFLMAO!!!

    ;P
     
  20. pulsar

    pulsar Active member

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    andmerr, you think that you are low in the comedic ratings. My rating is like an international dialling code!
     

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