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Help desk classics

Discussion in 'Safety valve' started by andmerr, Oct 14, 2004.

  1. andmerr

    andmerr Guest

    Heres another one of my useless posts, hopefully you'll enjoy it more than my last one entitled "friday funnies i couldnt resist"

    enjoy one and all or add your own


    andmerr







    Helpdesk: What kind of computer do you have?

    Customer: A white one...

    --------------------------------------------------------------------

    Helpdesk: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of
    thescreen.

    Customer: Your left or my left?



    --------------------------------------------------------------------

    Customer: I have problems printing in red...

    Helpdesk: Do you have a color printer?

    Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.

    --------------------------------------------------------------------

    Helpdesk: What's on your monitor now ma'am?

    Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the
    supermarket.

    --------------------------------------------------------------------

    Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.

    Helpdesk: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?

    Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.

    Helpdesk: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.

    Customer: OK

    Helpdesk: Did the keyboard come with you?

    Customer: Yes

    Helpdesk: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is
    there another keyboard?

    Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does
    work!

    --------------------------------------------------------------------

    A customer couldn't get on the internet.

    Helpdesk: Are you sure you used the right password?

    Customer: Yes I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.

    Helpdesk: Can you tell me what the password was?

    Customer: Five stars.

    --------------------------------------------------------------------

    Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a
    screensaver on my computer, but every time I move the
    mouse, it disappears!

    --------------------------------------------------------------------

    Helpdesk: How may I help you?

    Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.

    Helpdesk: OK, and, what seems to be the problem?

    Customer: Well, I have the letter a, but how do I get the
    circle around it?
     
  2. baabaa

    baabaa Active member

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    Lovely as always, hats off to you sir.....

    Always brightens my day up when you get your 'funny' head on.............

    I just love reading these BOFH ones aswell........

    http://bofh.ntk.net/Bastard.html
     
  3. andmerr

    andmerr Guest

    well here's some more just for you Baabaa


    "I wish people who have trouble communicating would just
    shut up."

    --Tom Lehrer

    ---------------------------------------------------------------

    From Joe

    A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone
    wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch. For several
    minutes they sat silently, then finally the girl looked at
    the boy and said "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."

    "Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time for a wee
    kiss." The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him
    lightly on the cheek. Then he blushed. The two turned once
    again to gaze out over the loch. Minutes passed, then the
    girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

    "Well, I was thinkin' perhaps its noo aboot time for a wee
    cuddle." The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him
    for a few seconds. Then he blushed. Then the two turned
    once again to gaze out over the loch. After a while, she
    again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
    "Well, I was thinkin' perhaps its aboot time you let me
    pewt ma hand on yer leg."

    The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her
    knee. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to
    gaze out over the loch before the girl spoke again.
    "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." The young man
    glanced down with a furled brow. "Well, noo," he said, "my
    thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time." "Really?"
    said the girl in a whisper, filled with anticipation.
    "Aye," said the lad, nodding.

    The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit
    her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request. And he
    said, "Dae ye noo think it's aboot time ye paid me the
    first three pennies?!"

    ---------------------------------------------------------------

    The boyfriend said, "We're going to have a GREAT time
    Saturday. I've got three tickets for the show."

    "Why do we need three?" asked the girl.

    "They're for your father, mother and your sister," he
    replied.

    ---------------------------------------------------------------

    When Peters learned that he was being fired, he went to see
    the head of human resources. "Since I've been with the firm
    for so long," he said, "I think I deserve at least a letter
    of recommendation."

    The human resources director agreed and said he'd have the
    letter that next day. The following morning, Peters found
    the letter on his desk. It read, "Jonathan Peters worked
    for our company for eleven years. When he left us, we were
    very satisfied."

    ---------------------------------------------------------------

    The lawyer's son wanted to follow in his father's
    footsteps, so he went to law school and graduated with
    honors. Then he went home to join his father's firm.

    At the end of his first day at work, he rushed into his
    father's office and said, "Father, father! In one day I
    broke the Smith case that you've been working on for ten
    years!"

    His father responded: "You idiot, we lived on the funding
    of that case for ten years!"

    ---------------------------------------------------------------

    Well, there was this blonde who just got sick and tired of
    all the blonde jokes. So one evening she went home and
    memorized all the state capitals. Back in the office the
    next day, some guy started telling a dumb blonde joke.

    She interrupted him with a shrill announcement, "I've had
    it up to here with these blonde jokes. I want you to know
    that this blonde went home last night and did something
    probably none of you could do...I memorized all the state
    capitals."

    One of the guys, of course, said "I don't believe you. What
    is the capital of Nevada?"

    She pushed out her chest, held her head up high, and said,
    "N."
     
  4. zippyd

    zippyd Regular member

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    A man was outside doing yard work when he noticed his neighbor packing a new computer in the house. After an hour he noticed her(a blonde) come outside and look in her mailbox. She closed it up and shook her head and stormed back in the house. Ten minutes later she did the same thing. After the fifth time the man's curiosity got the best of him.
    "expecting something important?" the man asked.
    "No" the blonde said " I think my new computer is broken. The mailbox is empty but it keeps saying 'you've got mail'"
     
  5. andmerr

    andmerr Guest

    lol hey zippyd got any more and baabaa gee some people really are bastards ,had a read of that site link you sent THANKYOU .Got anymore.
     
  6. pcrazy99

    pcrazy99 Regular member

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    Help desk: How may I help you?

    Customer: I need to speak to a tier two representative please.

    Help desk: I can help you. What is the problem you are having.

    Customer: I have my new modem hooked up and I've followed all the steps correctly. The internet light has not turned on yet and I can't access the internet. I spoke to a tier two representative yesterday.

    Help desk: Let me look at your account. Hmmmm. Let me transfer you to someone that can help you.

    Second Help desk: How may I help you?

    Customer: My internet light on my modem has not turned on and I cannot access the internet.

    Second Help desk: I'm sorry, this is the billing department. You'll have to call tech support.

    Repeat above for at least three weeks before problem is solved by customer.
     
  7. zippyd

    zippyd Regular member

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    Give and Take

    A man is walking on the beach when he trips over a lamp. A few seconds later, a genie pops out and says, "I’m required to grant three wishes, but since you did not treat my lamp with respect, I will give twice what you get to the person you hate most—your boss."

    The man agrees and makes his first wish: "I want lots of money." Instantly $20 million appears in bags on the beach, and $40 million appears in his boss’ bank account.

    Next the man asks for an incredible sports car. Instantly a Lamborghini appears, and at the same moment, two show up outside his boss’ house.

    Finally the genie says, "You have but one wish left; you should choose carefully."

    The man says, "Well, I’ve always wanted to donate a kidney."
    ______________________________________________




    A traveling salesman rings the doorbell, and 10-year-old Little Johnny answers, holding a beer and smoking a fat cigar. The salesman says, “Young man, is your mother home?”

    Little Johnny taps his ash on the carpet and says, “What the fusk do you think?”
    _X_X_X_X_X_[small][​IMG]
    Presario..Athlon 2.16Ghz..512MB RAM..140G HD..HP 300n
    Man who walk with hands in pocket, look crazy, but feel nuts[/small]
     
    Last edited: Oct 18, 2004
  8. andmerr

    andmerr Guest

  9. zippyd

    zippyd Regular member

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  10. andmerr

    andmerr Guest

    hey i liked that one so much i think it deserves to be shown on Ad


    A cunning executive was having an affair with his young secretary. Every Friday the two would leave work a few hours early and have sex at the secretary's house. When the executive returned home, he would tell his wife he had gone to a bar with his friends.

    One night, the executive accidentally fell asleep at his secretary's house. When he woke up, he rushed to get dressed and told his secretary to rub his shoes in the grass. Eager to help, the confused secretary took his shoes outside, rubbed them in the grass, and handed them off. By the time he arrived home, the executive's wife was waiting for him. She immediately asked him where he had been.

    ?I am not going to lie to you," he said, "I am having an affair."

    His wife angrily looked him up and down and said, "Bullshit, you've been playing golf."

    Allen
    Derby, KS

    _X_X_X_X_X_[small][​IMG]
    "I wish people who have trouble communicating would just
    shut up."[/small]
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 18, 2004
  11. zippyd

    zippyd Regular member

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    There's tons more if you care to browse the categories
     
  12. andmerr

    andmerr Guest

    heres some more off humor for one and all

    A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a
    house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the
    owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes
    into the backyard ands sees a Labrador Retriever sitting
    there.

    "You talk?" he asks.

    "Yep," the Lab replies.

    "So, what's your story?"

    The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could
    talk when I was pretty young and I wanted to help the
    government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time
    at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting
    in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one
    figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their
    most valuable spies for eight years running. But the
    jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't
    getting any younger so I wanted to settle down. I signed up
    for a job at the airport to do some undercover security
    work; mostly wandering near suspicious characters and
    listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was
    awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of
    puppies, and now I'm just retired."

    The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what
    he wants for the dog.

    "Ten dollars." The guy says.

    "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so
    cheap?"

    "Because he's a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff."

    --------------------------------------------------------

    A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the
    first class section of a plane.

    The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose
    and then shuddered quite violently for 10 or 15 seconds.

    The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the
    woman sneezed again, took a tissue, gently wiped her nose
    and shuddered quite violently as before.

    The man was becoming more and more curious about the
    shuddering.

    A few more minutes passed and the woman sneezed one more
    time. Again she took a tissue, gently wiped her nose and
    shuddered violently.

    The man couldn't restrain his curiosity. He turned to the
    woman and said, "You've sneezed three times, wiped your
    nose with a tissue, then shuddered violently! Are you all
    right?"

    I'm sorry if I disturbed you," the woman replied, "I have a
    rare condition; when I sneeze, I have an or,ga.sm." The man
    was a little embarrassed but even more curious and said,
    "I've never heard of that before. What are you taking for
    it?"

    The woman looked at him and said, "Pepper."

    -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    "My new dress. Do you like it? It's from my favorite
    designer, On Sale." --Rita Rudner

    --------------------------------------------------------

    Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.

    Some days are a total waste of makeup.

    Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of
    the waist: change places.

    Remember, once you get over the hill, you'll begin to pick
    up speed.

    Well guys hopefully these make your day
    _X_X_X_X_X_[small][​IMG]
    "I wish people who have trouble communicating would just
    shut up."
    Researchers said Wednesday that birds sleep with one eye
    open and half of their brain awake. The only other living[/small]
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 22, 2004
  13. andmerr

    andmerr Guest

    .
    _X_X_X_X_X_[small][​IMG]
    "I wish people who have trouble communicating would just
    shut up."
    Researchers said Wednesday that birds sleep with one eye
    open and half of their brain awake. The only other living[/small]
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 22, 2004
  14. zippyd

    zippyd Regular member

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    A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of three, nine or 12, and asks which the young man wants. “Well,” he said, “I’ve been seeing this girl for a while and she’s really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight’s ‘the night.’ We’re having dinner with her parents, and then we’re going out. And I’ve got a feeling I’m gonna get lucky after that. Once she’s had me, she’ll want me all the time, so you’d better give me the 12 pack.” The young man makes his purchase and leaves.

    Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for a very long time. The girl leans over and says, “You never told me that you were such a religious person.”

    He leans over to her and says, “You never told me that your father is a pharmacist.”

    _______________________________________________________________

    A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But, since it was payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.

    When he finally appeared at home Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

    Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him. “How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?”

    To which he replied. “That would be fine with me.”

    Monday went by and he didn’t see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

    __________________________________________________________________


    A man is out driving happily along in his car late one Saturday night. Before too long, the cops pull him over. The policeman walks up to the man and asks, “Have you been drinking, sir?”

    “Why? Was I weaving all over the road?” the man answered.

    “No,” replied the policeman, “you were driving splendidly. It was the ugly fat chick in the passenger seat that gave you away.”
     
  15. andmerr

    andmerr Guest

    another week has come and gone and so here another installment for any who want a little chuckle

    Scotch with two drops of water please. As the bartender gives her
    the drink she says, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my
    80th birthday and it's today."

    The bartender says "Well, since it's your birthday, I'll
    buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me." As the woman
    finishes her drink, the woman to her

    right says, "I would like to buy you a drink, too."

    The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch
    with two drops of water." "Coming up," says the bartender.

    As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, I
    would like to buy you one, too." The old woman says, "Thank
    you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of
    water." "Coming right up," the bartender says.

    As he gives her the drink, he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of
    curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"
    The old woman replies, "Sonny, when you're my age, you've
    learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your
    water, however, is a whole other issue."

    --------------------------------------------------

    What do people mean when they say the computer went down on
    them? ---Marilyn Pittman


    --------------------------------------------------



    Jane walked into a pharmacy, strolled over to the counter,
    and caught the pharmacist's attention.

    "Can I please get some arsenic?" she asked.

    "Arsenic? What do you want arsenic for?" asked the
    pharmacist.

    "It's for my husband," she replied.

    "Your husband?" exclaimed the pharmacist, "I hope you don't
    mean what I think you mean!"

    She just nodded.

    "Well, lady," he replied, "I'm an honest man. I can't sell
    you arsenic, I wouldn't if I could, and I don't know what
    made you think you could just stroll into a respectable
    store and expect me to sell you arsenic.!"

    She didn't say a word. She just reached into her purse,
    fished out a photograph, and handed it across the counter.
    It was a picture of her husband, in bed with the
    pharmacist's wife.

    Slowly the pharmacist looks up, over the counter, and then
    straight at her. "Lady," he said, "why didn't you tell me
    you had a prescription?"

    --------------------------------------------------

    Groan…

    An Indian chief sends his son off to college. The son comes
    home with an electrical engineering degree. The first thing
    that the chief wants his son to do is to install electric
    lights in the outhouse as there are too many people
    stumbling around in the dark. The son installs the lights
    and is therefore known as the first Indian to wire ahead
    for a reservation.

    --------------------------------------------------

    From Clive in Baku, Azerbaijan

    A man went to the optician & said "I think I'm short
    sighted". The optician led him to the window & pointed up
    in the sky and asked "What's that?" The man replied "It's
    the sun". The optician asked him "Well how bl.oody far do
    you want to see?"

    --------------------------------------------------

    Do you remember when?

    All the girls had ugly gym uniforms?

    It took five minutes for the TV to warm up?

    Nearly everyone's Mum was at home when the kids got home
    from school?

    Nobody owned a pure bred dog?

    When a shilling ( a what?)was decent pocket money?

    Your Mum wore stockings that came in two pieces?

    All your male teachers wore ties and female teachers wore
    high heels?

    You got your windscreen cleaned, oil checked, and the
    petrol tank filled without asking, all for free, every
    time?

    Cereals had free toys hidden inside the box?

    They threatened to keep kids back a year if they failed. .
    ..and they did?

    When a 57 Holden was everyone's dream car and no one ever
    asked where the car keys were because they were always in
    the car, in the ignition, and the doors were never locked?

    --------------------------------------------------

    A salesman was testifying in his divorce proceedings
    against his wife."Please describe," said his attorney, "the
    incident that first caused you to entertain suspicions as
    to your wife's infidelity."

    "Well, I'm pretty much on the road all week," the man
    testified. "So naturally when I am home, I'm attentive to
    the wife." One Sunday morning," he continued, "we were in
    the midst of some pretty heavy lovemaking when the old lady
    in the apartment next door pounded on the wall and yelled,
    'Can't you at least stop all that racket on the weekends?'"

    --------------------------------------------------


    A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel
    where they were spending the first night of their
    honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing.

    When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife
    asked,"Ewww what's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all
    mangled and weird. Why are your feet so gross?"

    "I had tolio as a child," he answered.

    "You mean polio?" she asked.

    "No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes."

    The bride was satisfied with this explanation, and they
    continued undressing. When the groom took off his pants,
    his bride once again wrinkled up her nose. "What's wrong
    with your knees?" she asked. "They're all lumpy and
    deformed!" "As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained.
    "You mean measles?" she asked. "No, kneasles. It was a
    strange illness that only affected my knees."

    The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer. As the
    undressing continued, her husband at last removed his
    underwear."Don't tell me," she said.

    "Let me guess........... Smallcox?"

    --------------------------------------------------



    Can't eat beef .. mad cow.

    Can't eat chicken . bird flu

    Can't eat eggs ... Salmonella

    Can't eat pork ... fears that bird flu will infect piggies

    Can't eat fish ... heavy metals in the waters has poisoned
    their meat

    Can't eat fruits and veggies ... insecticides and
    herbicides

    Hmmmmmmmmm!!!!!!!!!!!!!







    I believe that leaves Chocolate!!!!!!!!




    watch out next week for the next thrilling installment
     
  16. baabaa

    baabaa Active member

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    LOL, I have a small funny.

    A dwarf with a lisp goes into a stud farm and says, "I'd like to buy a horth", he says to the owner of the farm.
    "What sort of horse?" said the owner.
    "A female horth" the dwarf replies.
    So the owner shows him a mare.
    "Nithe horth."says the dwarf, "Can I thee her eyeth?"
    So the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses eyes.
    "Nithe eyeth.", says the dwarf. "Can I thee her teeth?"
    Again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses teeth.
    "Nithe teeth.... can I see her eerth?" the dwarf says.
    By now the owner is getting a little fed up but again, picks up the
    dwarf to show him the horses ears.
    "Nithe eerth.' he says. 'Now...can I see her twot?"
    With this the owner picks the dwarf up by the scruff of his neck and
    shoves his head deep inside the horses vagina. He holds him there for a couple of seconds before pulling him out and putting him down.
    The dwarf shakes his head and says "Perhaps I should weefwaze that...
    Can I see her wun awound?"
     
  17. andmerr

    andmerr Guest

    LOL thats the winner for this week, very good baabaa
     
  18. LoneShark

    LoneShark Member

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    Why do people park their cars in a drive way and drive on the parkway?

    Why do drive up ATMs have a brail system?

    Why are buildings called "buildings" if they are already built?

    If the pillsbury doughboy ate a cookie, would that be considered cannabalism?
     
  19. squizzle

    squizzle Active member

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    Keep it going guys! (Sorry, I don't know any that could compete with these)
     
  20. andmerr

    andmerr Guest

    GOD IS this thread still going

    ok how about:

    how is it possible to have a civil war?
    or
    if a turtle dosnt have a shell is it homeless or just naked

    or

    how do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road sides

    or

    why is there an expiration date on sour cream

     

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