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Irish ????

Discussion in 'Safety valve' started by bbmayo, Mar 17, 2005.

  1. bbmayo

    bbmayo Active member

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    [bold]Just a little Irish humor on Paddys day[/bold]
    [​IMG]
    1.

    Irish toast

    May you be in heaven a half-hour before the devil knows you are dead.

    2.

    As the Irishman said to William Wallace in "Braveheart" -- " The Lord said he can get me outof this one, but he's pretty sure you're fucked." and another one " In order to find his equal, an Irishman is forced to talk to God"

    3.

    Q. What is Irish diplomacy?
    A. It's the ability to tell a man to go to hell.
    So that he will look forward to making the trip

    4.

    When the Irish say that St. Patrick chased the snakes out of Ireland, what they don't tell you is that he was the only one who saw any snakes!

    5.

    His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning Finnegan. "Did she say anything before she died?" asked the sergeant. "She spoke without interruption for about forty years," said the Finnegan.

    6.

    Man runs out of a West Belfast pub with his arms on fire Police catch him and charge him with having an armalite.

    7.

    Billy and Pa' were walking in the woods when they came across a sign saying, "Tree Fellers wanted". One of them said, "Ye know, it's a shame paddy isn't here. We could have gotten the job".

    8.

    Pat and Kyran were getting ready to go on a camping trip. The first one said "I'm taking along a gallon of whiskey just in case of rattlesnake bites. What are you taking?" The other one said "Two rattlesnakes!"

    9.

    Paddy and Murphy were walking down a road one day, Paddy said, Murphy, can you see that beautiful wood over there Murphy, I can't see, theirs trees in the way!

    10.

    A visitor to a small Irish village commented to a local Garda that it was a quiet little place. The Garda replied, quiet to be sure, we haven't buried a living soul in years.

    11.

    Seamus do you understand French, I do if its spoken in Irish

    12.

    Two Irishmen had just won $5000,000 in a lottery. Having a pint in a pub Tim say to Sean, what about all them beggin letters, Sean replies, we'll just keep sending them.

    13.

    Two farmers were driving their tractor down the middle of a country road. A car comes around the corner backs hard to avoid them , skids, tumbles twice and land in a field. Jimmy say to Eamonn it's just as well we got out of that field.

    14.

    Two drunks coming home, stumbled up the country road in the dark. "Faith, Mike, we've stumbled into the graveyard and here's the stone of a man lived to the age of 103!" "Glory be, Patrick and was it anybody we knew?" "No, 'twas someone named 'Miles from Dublin'!"

    15.

    "T''was the Irish what invented the pipes, you know, and they gave them to the Scots as a joke. And you Scots have'nt gotten the joke yet!!"

    16.

    Ver 1 What have Irishmen and Jesus Christ got in common?

    The both lived with their mother until they were 33 and neither had a job.

    Ver 2 How do we know that Christ was Irish?

    Because he was 33 still lived at home thought his mother was a virgin and she thought he was the son of God.

    17.


    Q: What is black and blue and found floating up sidedown in the Irish sea?

    A: Someone who's tells a stupid Irish joke

    18.

    One night I was chatting with my Mum about how she had changed as a mother from the first child to the last. She told me she had mellowed a lot over the years: "When your oldest sister coughed or sneezed, I called the ambulance. When your youngest brother swallowed a penny, I just told him it was coming out of his allowance."

    Supplied by : Jeanne (Dillion) Papanastasiou

    19.

    Why did God invent whiskey?
    So the Irish would never rule the world.

    20.

    Why does it take five Irishmen to change a lightbulb?

    One to change the bulb.

    Four to remark about how grand the old bulb was.

     
  2. Jeanc1

    Jeanc1 Guest

    A few that may bring laughter !

    1.

    O'Connell was staggering home with a small Paddy in his back pocket when he
    slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running
    down his leg.
    "Please, God," he implored, "let it be blood!"

    2.

    An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, "what'll you have?"
    The man says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please."
    So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then orders three more.
    The bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold. You don't have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I'll bring you a fresh cold one."
    The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we're drinking together.
    The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition.
    Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more.
    The bartender said to him, "I know what your tradition is, and I'd just like to say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."
    The man said, "Oh, me brothers are fine----I just quit drinking."

    3.

    Irish Stew

    We've got our own recipe for Irish stew: Get some meat, some potatoes and a lot of Guinness Stout. Drink all of the stout. Forget about the stew.

    4.

    The local District Judge had given the defendant a lecture on the evils of drink. But in view of the fact that this was the first time the man had been drunk and incapable, the case was dismissed on payment of ten shillings costs. "Now don't let me ever see your face again," said the Justice sternly as the defendant turned to go. "I'm afraid I can't promise that, sir," said the released man. "And why not?"
    "Because I'm the barman at your regular pub!"

    5.

    GUINNESS, AND HERITAGE

    One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head. The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust. The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer, and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened. The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer, and started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!!"

    6.

    McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.

    "S'cuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done. "What was that all about?"

    "Nothing," said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."

    7.

    A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

    "Why of course," comes the reply.
    The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"
    "I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
    The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."

    "Of Course," replies the second man. Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin," comes the reply.

    "I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."

    "Of course," replies the second man. Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"

    "Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in '62."
    "This is unbelievable!" the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"

    About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."

    8.

    She followed her husband to the public house. "How can you come here," she said, taking a sip of his pint of Guinness, "and drink that awful stuff?" "Now!" he cried, "And you always said I was out enjoying meself."

    9.

    Irishman, Englishman and a German are caught in Saudi Arabia drinking. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?" said the prison guard to the Englishman just before lashing him. The English man, being a bit of a cricket fan, asked for linseed oil. When they lashed him on a post and let him go to catch his flight back to London he groaned and crawled to the airport. Next came the German. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?" said the prison guard "Nothing" said the German and, after receiving his lashes spat on the ground, called the prison guards Schisers and started off towards the airport. The guards then came to the Irishman. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?" "Oh", replied the Irishman, "I'll take the German".

    10.

    Padraic Flaherty came home drunk every evening toward ten. Now, the Missus was never too happy about it, either. So one night she hides in the cemetery and figures to scare the beejeezus out of him. As poor Pat wanders by, up from behind a tombstone she jumps in a red devil costume screaming, "Padraic Sean Flaherty, sure and ya' don't give up you're drinkin' and it's to Hell I'll take ye'". Pat, undaunted, staggered back and demanded, "Who the hell ARE you?". Too that the Missus replied, "I'm the divil ya' damned old fool". To which Flaherty remarked, "Damned glad to meet you sir, I'm married to yer sister."

    11.

    An Irish priest and a Rabbi get into a car accident. They both get out of their cars and stumble over to the side of the road. The Rabbi says, "Oy vey! What a wreck!" The priest asks him, "Are you all right, Rabbi?" The Rabbi responds, "Just a little shaken." The priest pulls a flask of whiskey from his coat and says, "Here, drink some of this it will calm your nerves." The Rabbi takes the flask and drinks it down and says, "Well, what are we going to tell the police?" "Well," the priest says, "I don't know what your aft' to be tellin' them. But I'll be tellin' them I wasn't the one drinkin'."

    12.

    The New Priest

    A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he couldn't stand still. He asked Father Murphy for some advice. Father Murphy replied, "When I'm worried about gettin' nervous on the pulpit, I take a wee bit o' whiskey. Just to calm my nerves." So the next Sunday he took the older priest's advice. Before the mass, he got nervous and took a drink. He then proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:

    1. A few sips of whiskey. Not the whole bottle.

    2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

    3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

    4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

    5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

    6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

    7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Senior, Junior, and the Spook.

    8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.

    9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say "He was stoned off his ass."

    10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!

    11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body"; he did not say, Eat me."

    12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry".

    13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yea God"

    14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Patrick's, not a patrick-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

    13.

    McCuen stumbled out of a saloon right into the arms of Father Logan. "Inebriated again!" declared the priest. "Shame on you! When are you going to straighten out your life??" "Father," asked McCuen. "What causes arthritis?" "I'll tell you what causes it! Drinking cheap whiskey, gambling and carousing around with loose women. How long have you had arthritis?" "I don't," slurred McCuen. "The Bishop has it!"

    14.

    Paddy was an inveterate drunkard. The priest met him one day, and gave him a strong lecture about drink. He said, "If you continue drinking as you do, you'll gradually get smaller and smaller, and eventually you'll turn into a mouse." This frightened the life out of Paddy. He went home that night, and said to his wife, "Bridget....if you should notice me getting smaller and smaller, will ye kill that blasted cat?"

    15.

    Guinness

    After the Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.
    The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one. The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.
    The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."

    16.

    Patrick and Murphy out fishing and the motor packed in on the boat, Patrick says to Murphy what are we going to do now? Murphy say we'll just have to wait for help. After two days they are 40 miles from the coast and come across a bottle, Patrick opens the bottle and out pops a genie who grants them one wish - quick as a flash Patrick says turn the sea into Guinness and of course the sea is black with Guinness - Murphy says you stupid fool we'll have to piss in the boat.

    17.

    Brenda O'Malley is home as usual, making dinner, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ye." "Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?""That's what I'm here to be tellin' ye, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery...""Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me...""Sure and I must, Brenda. Your husband Seamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry." Brenda reached a hand out to her side, found the arm of the rocking chair by the fireplace, pulled the chair to her and collapsed into it. She wept for many minutes. Finally she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?""It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guineas Stout and drowned.""Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?""Well, no Brenda......no.""No?""Fact is, he got out three times to pee."

    18.

    Pat and Mike had been drinking buddies and friends for years. After having a few drinks in a bar, Mike said to Pat "We have been friends for years and years and if I should die before you do would you do me a favor? Get the best bottle of Irish whiskey you can find and pour it over my grave." Pat replied, "I would be glad to do that for you my old friend. But would you mind if I passed it through my bladder first?"

    19.

    Murphy, Collins and Vella are drinking in a pub when a drunk comes in,
    staggers up to them, and points at Collins, shouting, "Your mum's the best shag in town!"

    Everyone expects a fight, but Collins ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and stick his nose into a pint of Guinness at the far end of the bar.

    Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at Collins again, and says, "I just screwed your mum, and it was grand!"

    Again Collins refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar.

    Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mum said it was the best thing since sliced bread!"

    Finally Collins interrupts. "Go home, Dad,... you're pissed!"

    20.

    Sister Mary Margaret enters O 'Flynn's liquor shop. "I'd like to buy a bottle of Irish whiskey", she tells O 'Flynn. The owner of the store shakes his head and frowns. "A botlle of Irish whiskey? And you being a nun too." "Oh no, no," Sister Mary Margaret exclaims. "It's for Father Reilly. His constipation, you know." O'Flynn smiles, nods, and puts a bottle into a bag. Sister Mary Margaret pays, takes the bag and goes on her way. Later that day, O'Flynn closes shop for the day. On his way home he passes an alley. There in the alley is Sister Mary
    Margaret. She's rip roaring drunk, the empty bottle at her side. "Sister!" O'Flynn scolds. "And you said it was for Father Reilly's constipation." "It is," answers Sister Mary Margaret. "When he sees me, he's gonna shit!"

    21.

    An English man and an Irish man are driving head on , at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving to fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Irish man goes to the boot and fetches a 12 year old bottle of Jameson whiskey. He hands the bottle to the English man, whom exclaims,'' may the English and the Irish live together forever, in peace, and harmony.'' The English man then tips the bottle and lashes half of it down. Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Irish man, whom replies: '' no thanks, I'll just wait till the Garda get here!''

    22.

    Paddy and Murphy are knocking back a few pints of Guinness at the local and in
    walks O'Rourk.

    He says, "did ye hear about O'Hara dyin last night?" Paddy and Murphy, in
    shock exclaim, "No! Poor O'Hara.

    Has anyone told his wife?" O'Rourk says "No she hasn't been told yet, but
    i'll get sweet talking Patrick to tell her.

    He is such a sweet talker and so good with words that he can talk the fish
    out of the brook and the birds out of the trees."

    They leave to find Patrick and as they are leaving in he walks and says
    "Good Mornin to ye all lads, a pint on me for everyone."

    O'Rourk tells Patrick the sad news about O'Hara dyin and asks him to break
    the news very gently to his wife, as she doesnt yet know.

    Patrick, the sweet talker says, "I will be glad to have a chat with O'Hara's
    wife and I'll break it so gently to her that a whimper is all she'll utter.
    Im a man of words and I can charm the fish from the brook and the birds from
    the trees. Dont worry lads, I'll take care of this. They dont call me sweet
    talker for nuttin.

    Well, off they all go to O'Hara's house. Patrick knocks on the door and
    O'Hara's wife answers and says, "Yes may I help you?" Sweet talking Patrick
    steps forward and at attention says, "Are you the widow O'Hara?" To which the
    woman responds, "My name is O'Hara but I'm not a widow."

    Sweet talking Patrick braces himself and exclaims, "Shite you aint."

    23.

    For a holiday, Mulvaney decided to go to Switzerland to fulfill a lifelong dream and climb the Matterhorn. He hired a guide and just as they neared the top, the men were caught in a snow slide.

    Three hours later, a Saint Bernard plowed through to them, a keg of brandy tied under his chin.

    "Hooray!" shouted the guide. "Here comes man's best friend!"

    "Yeah," said Mulvaney. "An' look at the size of the dog that's bringin' it!"

    24.

    Now the Irish have a new clinic for those who want to stop smoking. It's called Nicotine's Anonymous. If you get the urge to smoke, you call them and they send a man over and you get drunk together.

    25.

    Tim O'Rourke was walking his Irish Setter in the country side. He picked up a stick and threw it, the dog went and retrieved it and brought it back. Tim then threw it in a different direction and the dog once again went and retrieved it and brought it back. Tim then threw it in another direction and it landed in a small lake. The dog went down to the water's edge, walked across the water, picked up the stick and brought it back. Well, Tim was astounded. He couldn't believe what he had seen and threw stick in the lake again, and the dog once again walked across the water to bring the stick back. As he went into town, he promised that he would show his dog's wonderful new trick to the first person he came across. Once in town the first person the dog owner came across was the town drunk Declan Dunphy. Tim dragged Declan to the lake to show him what his dog could do. Once again, the dog owner threw the stick into the small lake and the dog went to the water's edge, walked across the water, picked up the stick and brought it back to it's owner. Once the drunk saw that, he turned to the dog owner and said; "Why that's great, mister! But when are you going to teach your dog how to swim?"



    26.

    An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" "Just water," says the priest. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?" The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"





    27



    Well now, you see it's like this....

    A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the rear that are killed. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole because only the fittest survive thus improving the general health and speed of the entire herd.

    In much the same way the human brain only operates as quickly as the slowest of it's brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells, as we all know, and naturally the alcohol attacks the slowest/weakest cells first....

    So it is as plain as the nose on your face that regular consumption of Guinness will eliminate the weaker, slower brain cells thus leaving the remaining cells the best in the brain.

    The end result, of course, is a faster more efficient brain.

    If you doubt this at all, tell me, isn't it true that we always feel a bit smarter after a few pints?

    28

    An American walks into an Irish pub and says, "I'll give anyone $100 if they can drink 10 Guinness's in 10 minutes." Most people just ignore the absurd bet and go back to their conversations. One guy even leaves the bar. A little while later that guy comes back and asks the American, "Is that bet still on?" "Sure." So the bartender lines 10 Guinness's up on the bar the Irishman drinks them all in less than 10 minutes. As the American hands over the money he asks, "Where did you go when you just left?" The Irishman answers, "I went next door to the other pub to see if I could do it."







    29

    A Clipping from a Cork newspaper

    DONNACHIES BAR COBH
    Due to the sad death of Paddy, the bar to all intents and purpose, will remain closed during our grief, but so as not to inconvenience our esteemed customers, the door will remain ajar. Tis what Paddy wanted .

    30

    Seamus was walking along the coast of Galway early one morning with a bit of a sore head when he tripped over something in the sand. Reaching down, he picked up a lamp and starting rubbing it. There was a huge crack of thunder, an awesome amount of smoke, and lo and behold, a genie appeared.


    "Mornin' boyo," said the genie. "For releasing me from two thousand years of bondage, I'll be grantin' ya three wishes."

    "Isn't this grand," said Seamus. "Can I have a pint of Guinness?"

    "Sure of course ye can," said the genie. And poof! a pint appeared in Seamus's hand. Seamus starting sipping away at the pint. "For the love o' Jaysus, this has to be the best pint I've ever been tasting."

    "Of course it is," said the genie. "I'm an Irish genie, after all, and I do know a bit about pints. Now, let's get on with business. You've got two more wishes left, and I haven't got all day!"

    "Now just be bidin' yer time," said Seamus. "I want to enjoy me pint."

    "Ah," said the genie. "That's a magic pint."

    "And what do ye be meanin' by that?" asked Seamus.

    "Well," said the genie, "as soon as it's done, it'll fill right back up again just as good as the first."

    "Is that so," said Seamus, finishing off the pint. Sure enough, back up it came, and when he tasted it, it really was every bit as good.

    "Now," said the genie, "about those other two wishes?"

    "Ah," said Seamus, "I'll have two more o' these!"

    31

    Judge Flynn has his shoes in his hand and is sneaking out of the house
    when his wife Maura catches him ...

    Maura: "And where do you think you're sneaking off to?"
    Judge Flynn: "Oh, my dear, I almost forgot to tell you - there's to be
    a political meeting at the Irish Catholic Social Club this evening and I
    must attend as it is about my judgeship."
    Maura: "Flynn, if there's any drinking, there will be no living with
    me."
    Judge Flynn: "Oh, no my dear - this is strictly a political meeting."

    And, off Flynn goes for an evening of carousing with the boys ...
    He comes home at 2 AM, snot-flying drunk, balls his clothes up, throws
    them in the laundry, gets fresh clothes, catches a few winks on the
    couch and sneaks out before herself is awake.

    At 9:30 AM he is hearing cases when the clerk of the court slides a note
    onto the bench. The note says: "It's your wife, she says its urgent!"
    So Judge Flynn calls a recess and goes into his office to call home.

    Maura: "Ye bastid Flynn! Didn't I tell you if you went out drinking
    they'd be no living with me?"
    Judge Flynn: "Oh my dear there was no drinking."
    Maura: "Then what's this vomit doing all down the front of your suit,
    shirt and necktie?"
    Judge Flynn: "Oh, my dear, I almost forgot to tell you - when I came
    out of the meeting there was this terrible drunken man that came up and
    vomited right down the front of me. But I called the boys in blue and
    they threw him into the wagon and he'll be up before me this morning.
    I'll give that boyo thirty days in jail for his trouble!"
    Maura: "Well, see that you do!"

    At 10:00 AM he is still hearing cases when the clerk of the court slides
    another note onto the bench. The note says: "It's your wife again, she
    says its urgent!"
    So Judge Flynn calls a recess and goes into his office to call home.

    Maura: "And has that terrible drunken man been up before you - the one
    that's going to get thirty days in jail?"
    Judge Flynn: "Oh no my dear but when he comes up - it's thirty days for
    him!"
    Maura: "No darling, give him ninety days."
    Judge Flynn: "That seems excessive - why ninety days?"
    Maura: "Because he shit your pants too!"








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