1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

jokes of the day

Discussion in 'Safety valve' started by kcc76, Jun 15, 2004.

  1. kcc76

    kcc76 Regular member

    Joined:
    May 2, 2004
    Messages:
    304
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    26
    THE BEST BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR - SO FAR
    > >
    > >A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond
    > >female neighbour came out of the house and went straight to the
    > >mailbox.
    > >
    > >
    > >She opened it then slammed it shut & stormed back into the house.
    > >
    > >
    > >A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and
    > >again, opened it, slammed it shut again.
    > >
    > >
    > >Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to
    > >edge the lawn, here she came again, marched to the mail box, opened it
    > >and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
    > >
    > >
    > >Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"
    > >
    > >
    > >To which she replied, "There certainly is!"
    > >
    >
    > >(Are you ready? this is a beauty ...)
    > >
    > >

    > >My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL"
     
  2. Hanedrick

    Hanedrick Regular member

    Joined:
    Apr 14, 2003
    Messages:
    845
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    26
    LOL. That's good, I haven't heard that one before.
     
  3. Nephilim

    Nephilim Moderator Staff Member

    Joined:
    Feb 13, 2003
    Messages:
    14,942
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    116
    Top 10 reasons why some men favor handguns over women.


    #10 - you can trade an old 44 for a new 22.
    > >
    #9 - you can keep one handgun at home, and have another for
    when you're on the road.
    > >
    #8 - if you admire a friend's handgun, and tell him so, he
    will probably let you try it out a few times.
    > >
    #7 - your primary handgun doesn't mind if you keep another
    handgun for a back up.
    > >
    #6 - your handgun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.
    > >
    #5 - a handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
    > >
    #4 - handguns function normally every day of the month.
    > >
    #3 - a handgun doesn't ask, "do these new grips make me look fat? "
    > >
    #2 - a handgun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.
    > >
    and, the number one reason a handgun is favored over a woman
    > >
    #1 - you can buy a silencer for a handgun.
    _X_X_X_X_X_[small][​IMG]
    JMLS-166S/Plextor PX-708A/Plextor Premium[/small]
     
    Last edited: Jun 15, 2004
  4. roeod4

    roeod4 Regular member

    Joined:
    Jun 11, 2013
    Messages:
    117
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    26
    A guy walks into the doctors office and says "Doc, you gotta help me I have a problem with my penis!"
    The doctor tells him to go into the exam room, remove his clothes, and wait. Ater a few minutes the doctor comes in and asks to see the guys penis. So the man pulls it out from under the gown and it is bright orange.
    The doctor is shocked, he has never seen anything like this before, but after examining the man for a few minutes he comes to a conclusion and says. "This must be stress related. Have you had anything happen in the last few weeks that has caused and unusual amount of stress?"
    "No, nothing I can think of." the man replies
    "Do you have a girlfriend?" the doctor asks
    "No, we broke up."
    "Well, that must be it. Break-ups can be very stressful."
    "No." the man says "she was cheating on me and taking all my money. I am glad I am rid of that bitch."
    "Ok," the doctor says trying to think "what about your family?"
    "No, my parents died last week."
    "Oh, my God! I'm sorry to hear that, but that has to be it. There is nothing more stressful than losing a parent. Was it an accident?"
    "Yea, they drove off a cliff, but we hated each other and besides I got a huge inheritance and I am very rich now."
    "Well, then there has to be something causing this." the doctor says, still thinking. "Do you have any hobbies?"
    "No, not really." the guy says "Most days I just sit around eating Cheetos and watching porn."
     
  5. kcc76

    kcc76 Regular member

    Joined:
    May 2, 2004
    Messages:
    304
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    26
    good 1's

    Female vs Male

    1. NAMES

    If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call
    each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.

    If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each
    other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

    2. EATING OUT

    When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in $20,
    even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller
    and none will actually admit they want change back.

    When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

    3. MONEY

    A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

    A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

    4. BATHROOMS

    A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a
    bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.

    The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man
    would not be able to identify most of these items.

    5. ARGUMENTS

    A woman has the last word in any argument.

    Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

    6. CATS

    Women love cats.

    Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

    7. FUTURE

    A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

    A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

    8. SUCCESS

    A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

    A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

    9. MARRIAGE

    A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

    A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does

    10. DRESSING UP

    A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage,
    answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

    A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.


    11. NATURAL

    Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

    Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

    12. OFFSPRING

    Ah, children.

    A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments
    and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and
    dreams.

    A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

    13. THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

    Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people
    remembering the same thing.

    AND FINALLY...

    A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An
    earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to
    concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, donkeys, and
    pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,

    "Relatives of yours?"

    "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws.
     
  6. roeod4

    roeod4 Regular member

    Joined:
    Jun 11, 2013
    Messages:
    117
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    26
    An old man and his wife get pulled over for speeding and the cop comes to the window:

    Officer - Sir, do you have any idea how fast you were going?
    Old man - Fast? Officer I didn't realize I was speeding?
    Old Woman - George, don't tell this young man lies, you know you were speeding.
    Old man - Shut up woman are you trying to get me in trouble?
    Officer - Is this true sir?
    Old man - Well yes I know I was speeding right now, but I never do it normally officer.
    Old woman - George, don't lie again! You speed all the time and you know it.
    Old man - Damn it woman, do you want us to get a ticket?
    Officer - Well sir I also see that your seat belt is not fastened. You know that it is a law in this state that you must have your seatbelt fastened while you are driving?
    Old man - Yes officer I do, but you see when you pulled me over I had to get my wallet and I couldn't get it out of my back pocket with the seatbelt on.
    Old woman - Oh my God, George stop lying! You never wear your seatbelt, you say you feel confined with it on.
    Old man - You stupid cow, what the hell is wrong with you?
    Officer - Ma' am, is he always this mean to you?
    Old woman - Oh no officer, he only gets like this when he drinks a lot.
     
  7. Buik

    Buik Regular member

    Joined:
    Nov 15, 2003
    Messages:
    260
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    26
    Winter Forecasting

    It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a Chief in a modern society he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.

    But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?" "It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold" the meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

    A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?" "Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter." The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

    Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?" "Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever."

    "How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.

    The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."
     
  8. Buik

    Buik Regular member

    Joined:
    Nov 15, 2003
    Messages:
    260
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    26
    A nurse walks into a bank, preparing to endorse a check. She reaches in her pocket and pulls out a rectal thermometer and tries to write with it. She looks up at the teller, pauses for a moment, then, realizing her mistake, she says, "Well that's
    great, just great. Some bumhole's got my pen."
     
  9. Kamran

    Kamran Regular member

    Joined:
    Mar 25, 2004
    Messages:
    164
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    26
    A blonde walks into a library. ‘Excuse me – can I have a burger and large fries, please?’ she demands. Tutting, the librarian looks back at her. ‘Miss,’ he says, ‘this is a library.’ The blonde leans over the counter. ‘I’m sorry,’ she whispers. ‘Can I have a burger and large fries, please?’
     
  10. Kamran

    Kamran Regular member

    Joined:
    Mar 25, 2004
    Messages:
    164
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    26
    A brave knight has to go off to fight in the Crusades and leaves his sexy wife at home. As he can’t trust his wife to be left on her own, he fits her with a very special chastity belt made out of razor blades. On his victorious return, he lines up all his male staff, and makes them drop their trousers. He is greeted by a whole line of shredded todgers, apart from one.
    He goes up to that man and said, ‘I trusted you and, unlike all the others, you have not betrayed my trust. In return I shall give you half my land.’ To which the man replies, ‘Ugg ou gery muk.’
     
  11. Oriphus

    Oriphus Senior member

    Joined:
    May 31, 2003
    Messages:
    6,011
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    116
    Why do English Woman love the national soccer team?

    They're on top for 90 minutes and still come second....


    Ohh....and i loved the indian fire wood one LMAO
     
  12. Buik

    Buik Regular member

    Joined:
    Nov 15, 2003
    Messages:
    260
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    26
    How do you spell "weatherman"?


    L I A R
     
  13. kcc76

    kcc76 Regular member

    Joined:
    May 2, 2004
    Messages:
    304
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    26
    A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there
    anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look
    at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his
    teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What?
    Because he's cross-eyed? " "No, because he's really heavy"
     
  14. kcc76

    kcc76 Regular member

    Joined:
    May 2, 2004
    Messages:
    304
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    26
    Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5
    people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or
    my
    dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I
    think it's Colin.
     
  15. Oriphus

    Oriphus Senior member

    Joined:
    May 31, 2003
    Messages:
    6,011
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    116
    lol very true

    A husband said to his wife, "I will take a photo of your breasts and frame it ."

    The wife said to her husband, "I will take a photo of your penis and enlarge it."

    -------------------------------------------

    Q: Why did the blonde keep taking off and putting the Pepsi bottle cap back on?

    A: Because it said, 'Sorry, try again.'
     
  16. kcc76

    kcc76 Regular member

    Joined:
    May 2, 2004
    Messages:
    304
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    26
    An Asian man walked into the currency exchange in New York City with
    2000 yen and walked out with $72. The following week, he walked in with
    2000 yen, and was handed $66. He asked the teller why he got less money
    that week than the previous week.

    The teller said, "Fluctuations."

    The Asian man stormed out, and just before slamming the door, turned
    around and shouted, "Fluc you Amelicans, too!"
     
  17. roeod4

    roeod4 Regular member

    Joined:
    Jun 11, 2013
    Messages:
    117
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    26
    kcc76,

    That Chinese one was funny! LMAO
     
  18. Buik

    Buik Regular member

    Joined:
    Nov 15, 2003
    Messages:
    260
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    26
    Redneck Vasectomy
    After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was
    enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to
    his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have
    any more children.
    The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that
    could fix the problem but that it was expensive. "A less costly
    alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb,"
    (fireworks are legal in Alabama) "light it, put it in a beer can, then
    hold the can up to your ear and count to 10."
    The redneck said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in the
    shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my
    ear is going to help me. "Trust me," said the doctor.
    So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He
    held the can up to his ear and began to count: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5...
    At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and
    resumed counting on his other hand.
    This procedure also works in
    Kentucky, Arkansas, Mississippi, and WestVirginia.

     
  19. kcc76

    kcc76 Regular member

    Joined:
    May 2, 2004
    Messages:
    304
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    26
    nice 1's oriphus

    Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run
    over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is
    cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.

    What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

    "Jamie O'Connor and me had a fight," says Paddy. "That little sod,
    O'Connor," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had
    something in his hand."

    "That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible
    lickin' he gave me with it."

    "Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have
    something in your hand?"

    "That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Connor's breast, and a thing of
    beauty
    it was, but useless in a fight."
     
  20. kcc76

    kcc76 Regular member

    Joined:
    May 2, 2004
    Messages:
    304
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    26
    good 1 buik

    just thinking of some more iv got plenty
    _X_X_X_X_X_[small]pentium 4 3,2ghz 1gig ddr 2700
    120gig sata hdd
    gforce fx 5600 8x agp
    6.1 sound
    all times 3[/small]
     
    Last edited: Jun 19, 2004

Share This Page