Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Seamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard. "Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "It's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87." "That's nothing", says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Toole, it says here that he was 95 when he died." Just then, Seamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that got to be 145!" "What was his name?" asks Paddy. Seamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Dublin.
Thank god for the safety valve. I've worked as a safety officer. It's like trying to outsmart idiots. _X_X_X_X_X_[small]Stretch the cash. Bargain hunting. System is not static.[/small]
"Poor Little" Osama After his death, Osama bin Laden went to heaven. There he was greeted by George Washington, who proceeded to slap him across the face and yell at him, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive!" Patrick Henry approached and punched Osama in the nose and shouted, "You wanted to end our liberties but you failed." James Madison entered, kicked Osama and said, "This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!" Thomas Jefferson came in and proceeded to beat Osama many times with a long cane and said, "It was evil men like you that provided me the inspiration to pen the Declaration of Independence!" These beatings and thrashings continued as John Rudolph, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans came in and unleashed their anger on the Muslim terrorist leader. As Osama lay bleeding and writhing! in unbearable pain an Angel appeared. ! Bin Laden wept in pain and said to the Angel, "This is not what you promised me." The Angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you up here. What did you think I said?"
1. The Post Office just recalled their latest stamps. They had pictures of lawyers on them, and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on. 2. How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer? She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney. 3. How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, and then he lies on the other. 4. How many lawyer jokes are there? Only One. The rest are true stories. 5. How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? How many can you afford? 6. How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to climb the ladder, one to shake it, and one to sue the ladder company. 7. If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could save only one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper? 8. What did the lawyer name his daughter? Sue. 9. What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers? Skeet. 10. What do you call a lawyer gone bad? Senator. 11. What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50? Your honor. 12. What do you throw to a drowning lawyer? His partners. 13. What does a lawyer use for birth control? His personality. 14. What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer? Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do. 15. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture? The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles. 16. What's another difference between a lawyer and a vulture? Removable wing tips. 17. Why does California have the most lawyers in the country while New Jersey has the most toxic waste sites? New Jersey got first choice.
Sophocles you stole that from Robin Williams!!!! it's still funny of course. These are from the "Darwin Awards", true stories about people who are too "stoopid" to live. -Some men will got to extraordinary lengths to prove how macho they are. Frenchman Pierre Pumpille recently shunted a stationary car two feet by headbutting it. "Women thought I was a god," he explained from his hospital bed. Deity or not, however, Pumpille is a veritable girl's blouse compared to Polish farmer Krystof Azninski, who staked a strong claim to being Europe's most macho man by cutting off his own head in 1995. Azninski, 30, had been drinking with friends when it was suggested they strip naked and play some "men's games". Initially they hit each other over the head with frozen turnips, but then one man upped the ante by seizing a chainsaw and cutting off the end of his foot. Not to be outdone, Azninski grabbed the saw and, shouting "Watch this then," je swung at his own head and chopped it off. "It's funny," said one companion, "when he was young he put on his sister's underwear. But he died like a man." And this one's for roeod4 A man tried to commit a robbery in Renton, WA. This was probably his first attempt, as suggested by the fact that he had no previous record of violent crime, and by his terminally stupid choices as listed below: 1. The target was H&J Leather & Firearms, a gun shop. 2. The shop was full of customers, in a state where a substantial portion of the adult population is licensed to carry concealed handguns in public places. 3. To enter the shop, he had to step around a marked Police patrol car parked at the front door. 4. An officer in uniform was standing next to the counter, having coffee before reporting to duty. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a holdup and fired a few wild shots. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, removing him from the gene pool. Several other customers also drew their guns, but didn't fire. No one else was hurt And this last one's because i love Conan O'Brien "The Chinese government launched China's first 24-hour news channel. And since the channel will only report stories that are favorable to the ruling party, they've decided to call it Fox News." —Conan O'Brien _X_X_X_X_X_[small]"Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is to tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger." -Herm[/small]
Actually I have no idea where it came from it was emailed to me by my wife from work. But being a big Robin Williams fan I'll look for it on some media somewhere. I thought all the jokes that were being posted here were taken from someplace. _ _X_X_X_X_X_[small] "Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth." Sherlock Holmes (by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, 1859-1930)[/small]
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some more actual label instructions on consumer goods. On Sears hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping." (Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair.) On a bag of Fritos: "You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside." (The shoplifter special.) On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (And that would be how . . .?) On some Swann frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (But it's *just* a suggestion.) On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box): "Do not turn upside down." (Too late!) On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (As night follows the day . . . ) On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (But wouldn't this save some time?) On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.) On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (One would hope.) On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (As opposed to what?) On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (I gotta admit, I'm curious.) On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (Talk about a newsflash.) On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: Fly Delta.) On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame parents for this one.) On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (Was there a spate of this happening somewhere?)
BEWARE OF THIS SOFTWARE Last year a friend of mine upgraded from GirlFriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog, leaving very little system resources available for other applications. He is now noticing that Wife 1.0 is also spawning Child Processes which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of these particular phenomena was included in the product brochure or the documentation, though other users have informed him that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application. Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself such that it is always launched at system initialization, where it can monitor all other system activity. He's finding that some applications such as PokerNight 10.3, BeerBash 2.5, and PubNight 7.0 are no longer able to run in the system at all, crashing the system when selected (even though they always worked fine before.) During installation, Wife 1.0 provides no option as to the installation of undesired Plug-Ins such as Mother-In-Law 55.8 and Brother-In-Law Beta release. Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day. Some features he'd like to see in the upcoming Wife 2.0: - - - A "Don't remind me again" button. - - - Minimize button. - - - An install shield feature that allows Wife 2.0 be installed with the option to uninstall at anytime without the loss of cache and other system resources. I myself decided to avoid the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with Girlfriend 2.0. Even here, however, I found many problems. Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 2.0 on top of Girlfriend 1.0. You must uninstall Girlfriend 1.0 first. Other users say this is a long-standing bug that I should have known about. Apparently the versions of Girlfriend have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port. You'd think they would have fixed such a stupid bug by now. To make matters worse, the uninstall program for Girlfriend 1.0 doesn't work very well, leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system. Another thing -- all versions of Girlfriend continually pop up little annoying messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0. ***** BUG WARNING ******** Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.0 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources. ***** BUG WORK-AROUNDS *************** To avoid this bug, try installing Mistress 1.0 on a different system and never run any file transfer applications such as Laplink 6.0. Also, beware of similar shareware applications that have been known to carry viruses that may affect Wife 1.0. Another solution would be to run Mistress 1.0 via a UseNet provider under an anonymous name. Here again, beware of the viruses which can accidently be downloaded from the UseNet. As a co-worker of mine said, "This is a good argument for installing Monk v. 1.5."
Dear friends ive been working hard at work all day and have recieved several phone calls from my wife at work.She says she has been trying to back up a dvd all day and still can not get it to fit on the perfectly good cdrs i left her.I told her the disc could be damaged but she says she has give it a iron.Iam lost for words as i told her she needs to educate herself more on the pc.I have left her a perfectly good cdrom and a batch of good cdrs so what is she doing wrong.She recomended to me over the phone that we might be better off purchasing a good dvd writer.Ive told her that she is being stupid becuase hienstein holds nothing on me.Do you all think the same as me yet another load of dodgy cdrs.I know i have been advising her to do the right things as i have been AD all day at work passing my advise on with no complaints John179 _X_X_X_X_X_[small]Anything dodgy and your off down the station John179 Asus A7V8X-X XP2800+,2x120gb,1Gig Ram Ati 128mb Graphics 2 x dvd Lite-on 411S NEC 2510A os windows x[/small]
Good effort my friend you have a good sense of humour but please roses are red violets are blue Please stop reading those valentines cards i know its a first but you never know you may get one again next year. John179
