VIRUS ALERT!!! Woody Allen Virus Bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter card. Tonya Harding Virus Turns your BAT files into lethal weapons. Paul Revere Virus Warns of an impending virus infection: 1 if by LAN, 2 if by C:\. Hillary Rodham Clinton Virus Instantly turns 1 K of disk space into 1 Meg. Ollie North Virus Plays a patriotic WAV while it shreds your files. Joey Buttafuoco Virus Only attacks minor files. Lorena Bobbit Virus Your hard disc turns into a 3.5 floppy. Ronald Reagan Virus Saves your data, but forgets where it's stored. Jane Fonda Virus Attacks your hard drive's FAT. Oprah Winfrey Virus Your 200 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80 MB, and then slowly expands to 300 MB. AT&T Virus Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting. MCI Virus Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T Virus. Politically Correct Virus Never calls itself a "virus," instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism." Ross Perot Virus Activates every component in your system, just before the whole darn thing quits. Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back. Government Economist Virus Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine. Federal Bureaucrat Virus Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer. Adam and Eve Virus Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple computer. Congressional Virus #1 The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem. Congressional Virus #2 Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything. Airline Virus You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore. Freudian Virus Your computer becomes obsessed with its own motherboard. Or becomes very jealous of the size of your friend's hard drive. PBS Virus Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for money. Jimmy Hoffa Virus Your programs can never be found again. LAPD Virus It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in "self-defense."