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"Quotable Quips" (humorous anecdotes for dodo's that don't know what a quip is)

Discussion in 'Safety valve' started by regor, Nov 11, 2004.

  1. regor

    regor Regular member

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    As good as you are
    and as bad as I am
    and as bad as I am
    and as good as you are
    I'm as good as you are
    just as bad as I am



    Okay, I started the quotable quip thread... any takers? They say a little levity goes a long way so do try to make it fun! or genuinely entertaining!

    R
     
    Last edited: Nov 11, 2004
  2. regor

    regor Regular member

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    The Seven P's

    Proper
    Prior
    Planning
    Prevents
    Piss
    Poor
    Performance
     
  3. regor

    regor Regular member

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    ICDEDBDI's
     
  4. regor

    regor Regular member

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    "Little and brown and low to the ground"
     
  5. regor

    regor Regular member

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    "they're going to laugh at you"
     
  6. regor

    regor Regular member

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    "I am not a number, I am a free man"
     
  7. regor

    regor Regular member

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    serenity now!
     
  8. regor

    regor Regular member

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    If I was any happier I'd be a twin.
     
  9. regor

    regor Regular member

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    The day you take complete responsibility for yourself, the day you stop making any excuses, that's the day you start at the top.

    Who said that?

    ans: O J Simpson
     
  10. regor

    regor Regular member

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    How many of these do you recognize? the last one is my all-time favorite... any clue?

    - Well, King, this case is closed.

    - This is another fine mess you've gotten me into.

    - Avengers assemble!

    - Solid.

    - Say goodnight Dick.

    - I'm gonna get you, Wabbit!

    - Godfrey Daniel!

    - Good morning, Mr. Briggs.

    - Hey Big, I dig.

    - Open Channel D.

    - A little travelling music, Sam.....

    - Confound it, where's my crown?

    - It's clobberin' time!

    - This is the city.....

    - That's the way it is......

    - Wait for me, Wild Bill!

    - Flame On!!

    - Goodnight, and may God Bless.

    - Whoa, Nelly Belle!

    - Don't Call me Chief!

    - Exit Stage Right.

    - Dog, my cat!

    - Keep your feet on the ground and keep reaching for the stars.

    - I hate meeces to pieces!

    - Wahoo!

    - Spend a little dime with me.

    - I see nothing..... NOTHING!

    - 21-50 to Headquarters.

    - I thought I saw a puddy-cat. I did, I DID!

    - A day without orange juice is like a day without sunshine.

    - Al, I'm not asking you to spy, I'm asking you to steal.

    - Bless your pea-pickin' heart.

    - Thufferin' thuccotash!

    - You rang? (And we don't mean Maynard.)

    - I'm gonna kill that kid, I'm gonna kill him!

    - We lost our fix on Doug and Tony.

    - It's not what you say that counts, it's what you don't say.

    - Nothing is better for thee than me.

    - Imperius Rex!

    - I'll gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today.

    - Trizzle, trazzle, trozzle, trome....... time for this one to come home.
     
  11. regor

    regor Regular member

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    The following are actual answers given on history tests and in Sunday school quizzes by children between 5th and 6th grade, in Ohio. They were collected over a period of three years by two teachers. Read carefully for grammar, misplaced modifiers, and of course, spelling! Kids should rule the world, as it would be a laugh a minute for us adults and therefore no time for war.....

    *************************************************************

    Ancient Egypt was old. It was inhabited by gypsies and mummies who all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

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    Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandos. He died before he ever reached Canada but his commandos made it.

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    Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines. He was an
    actual hysterical figure as well as being in the bible. It sounds like he was sort of busy too.

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    The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a young female moth.

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    Socrates was a famous old Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. He later died from an overdose of wedlock which is apparently poisonous. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.

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    In the first Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java. The games were messier then than they show on TV now.

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    Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out "Same to you, Brutus."

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    Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw for
    reasons I don't really understand. The English and French still have problems.

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    Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen". As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah!" and that was the end of the fighting for a long while.

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    It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented
    removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the
    circulation of blood.

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    Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking.

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    Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper which was very dangerous to all his men.

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    The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter.

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    Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Since then no one ever found it.

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    Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and also declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." He was a naturalist for sure. Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

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    Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's Mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands... Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation.

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    On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.

    -------------------------------------------------------------------
    Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.

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    Bethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf that he wrote loud music and became the father of rock and roll. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

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    The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up.

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    Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men.

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    Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits but I don't know why.

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    Charles Darwin was a naturalist. He wrote the Organ of the Species. It was very long and people got upset about it and had trials to see if it was really true. He sort of said God's days were not just 24 hours but without watches who knew anyhow? I don't get it.

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    Madman Curie discovered radio. She was the first woman to do what she did. Other women have become scientists since her but they didn't get to find radios because they were already taken.

    -------------------------------------------------------------------
    Karl Marx was one of the Marx Brothers. The other three were in the movies. Karl made speeches and started revolutions. Someone in the family had to have a job, I guess.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------
     
  12. pulsar

    pulsar Active member

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    LOL, Regor you have far too much free time!
     
  13. regor

    regor Regular member

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    "Give a man a fish and you'll feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you'll find him on your favorite spot next time you go fishing."
     
  14. regor

    regor Regular member

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    If at first you don't succeed...
    keep on suck'n til you do succeed!
     

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