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GrandpaBW: its friday funnies

Discussion in 'Safety valve' started by andmerr, Oct 8, 2004.

  1. epepper9

    epepper9 Regular member

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    heres one I found awhile back, enjoy
    ------------------------------------------------------------
    Missing A Silver Gravy Ladle
    Author: Unknown
    Submitted by OXanimalOX on 10-04-2001
    Genre: Shortie, Rating: 1.56, Suitability: PG-13





    Jeff invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his
    mother couldn't help noticing how handsome Jeff's roommate was.
    She had long been suspicious of Jeff's sexuality and this only
    made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while
    watching the two men interact, she started to wonder if there was
    more between Jeff and the roommate than met the eye.

    Reading his mom's thought's Jeff volunteered, "I know what you
    must be thinking, but I assure you, Mike and I are just
    roommates."

    About a week later, Mike came to Jeff and said, "Ever since your
    mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver gravy
    ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

    Well, I doubt it," Jeff replied, "but I'll write her a letter
    just to be sure."

    So he sat down and wrote:

    "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you did take a silver gravy ladle
    from my house and I'm not saying you did not take a silver gravy
    ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since
    you were here for dinner."

    Several days later, Jeff received a letter from his mother which
    read:

    "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you do sleep with Mike and I'm not
    saying that you do not sleep with Mike. But the fact remains that
    if he were sleeping in his own bed, he would have found the
    silver gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"

    ------------------------------------------------------------
    lol, hey today is actually friday in Australia
     
  2. zippyd

    zippyd Active member

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    It's still friday for me so I thought I'd share some more humor....


    why parents drink..........

    The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about
    an Urgent problem with one of the main computers, dialed the
    employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.

    "Hello."

    "Is your daddy home?" he asked.

    "Yes," whispered the small voice.

    "May I talk with him?"

    The child whispered, "No."

    Surprised, and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is

    your Mommy there?"

    "Yes."

    "May I talk with her?"

    Again the small voice whispered, "No."

    Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the
    boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"

    "Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."

    Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss
    asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

    "No, he's busy", whispered the child.

    "Busy doing what?"

    "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered
    answer.

    Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a
    Helicopter through the earpiece on the phone the boss asked, "What
    is that >noise?"

    "A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice.

    "What is going on there?" asked the boss, now truly alarmed.

    In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team
    just landed the hello-copper."
    Alarmed, concerned, and even more then just a little frustrated the
    boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

    Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled
    giggle: ME."
     
  3. ddp

    ddp Moderator Staff Member

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    good one & done that somewhat
     
  4. andmerr

    andmerr Guest

    thats very goog zip
     
  5. epepper9

    epepper9 Regular member

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    nice one zippyd
     
  6. ddp

    ddp Moderator Staff Member

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    andmerr, have you been drinking grog???
     
  7. bklyn1028

    bklyn1028 Regular member

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    guys dies goes to heaven.....st pete meets him......says...
    "let me give you the guided tour"
    guy sees golden streets.....new buildings...ppl walkingaround smiling
    st pete looks at him...."do you like to eat"?
    guys says...."absolutely"
    "you'll love mondays....we put out one heck of a spread, gourmet, anything you like...never gain a pound"
    "do you like to drink"?
    "absolutely"
    "you'll love tuesdays.....any drink in the would you want is there....and you never get a hangover"
    guys says .."fantastic"
    "do you like to smoke"
    "absolutely, i love it"
    "Wednesday is your day then, cuban cigars, no medical effects....., nothing"
    "how about movies"
    guy says..."i love em"
    "great, thursday is your day then, any movie ever made is yours to watch, anytime you want"
    St Pete stops, looks at the guy, asks...."you gay"
    guys says........."no way"
    st pete says..."your not gonna be too fond of Fridays"
     
  8. andmerr

    andmerr Guest

    you must be psychic ddp or something.Been a hard night ,tried some bundy and dry,cruisers and some mudshakes
     
  9. andmerr

    andmerr Guest

    got a cure for a massive hang over, oh sorry that might be the name of the next thread " Proven Hangover cures 101"
     
  10. ddp

    ddp Moderator Staff Member

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    been known to read minds on occassion
     
  11. rick5446

    rick5446 Guest

    Gamblers Revenge

    A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round-trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabby. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail.

    The cabby said, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

    One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.

    The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give me some oral on the way?" "What?! Get the hell out of my cab."

    The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabby replied "fifteen bucks." The businessman said "ok" and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.
     
  12. zippyd

    zippyd Active member

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    better late than never........


    When Jane initially met Tarzan of the Jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex. "Tarzan not know sex," he replied.
    Jane explained to him what sex was.

    Tarzan said, "Oh, Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree."

    Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."

    She took off her clothes and lay down on the ground. "Here," she said. "You must put it in here."

    Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer with his huge erection, and then gave her an almighty kick right in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed, "What did you do that for?"

    "First check for bees."
    _______________________________________________________

    The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists, two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

    'We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!'

    The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job.'

    The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.'

    The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'

    Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. Then the agents heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, 'This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair.'
     
  13. rick5446

    rick5446 Guest

    A Radio station was running a competition-words that weren't in the Dictionary yet,that could still be used in a sentence,that would make logical sense
    The prize was a trip to Bali!!

    D.J.- "96 FM here,what's your name?"

    Caller-"Hi my names Dave"

    D.J.-"Dave,what's your word?"

    Caller-"Goan...spelt G-O-A-N,pronounced'Go-An'"

    D.J.-"You are correct,Dave 'goan'is not in the Dictionary.Now for a trip
    to Bali:What sentence can you use the word in that would make sense?

    Caller-"Goan fusk yourself"
    The D.J.cut's the caller off & takes other calls,all unsuccessful.Until::

    D.J."96FM,whats your name?"

    caller-"Hi my name's Jeff."

    D.J.-"Jeff what's your word?'

    Caller-"Smee...spelt S-M-E-E,pronounced 'smee'.

    D.J....You are correct,Jeff,"smee"is not in the Dictionary.Now,for a trip to Bali:What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?"

    Caller-"Smee again!Goan fusk yourself
     
  14. epepper9

    epepper9 Regular member

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    lol, smee, he he lol
     
  15. epepper9

    epepper9 Regular member

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    ...
     
    Last edited: Feb 12, 2005
  16. andmerr

    andmerr Guest

    passengers on a small commuter plane are waiting for the flight to leave.They are getting a little impatient, but the airport staff assure them that the pilots will be there shortly,and they will be leaving immediately after that.The entrance opens and 2 men dressed in pilots uniforms wearing dark glasses, one is using a seeing eye dog , the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a cane

    Nervous laughter enters the plane but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes and the engines roar into life.The passengers glance around looking to see if this is a practical joke.None is forthcoming.The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and people at the windows realise that they are heading for the water and certain death.As it begins to dawn on the passengers that the plane is not going to take off but plow into the drink, panic screams fill the cabin but the plane suddenly lifts off the ground.

    The passengers relax look a bit sheepishly at one another and go back to reading there magazines secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.


    Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says
    " you know bob one of these days they're going to scream to late and we are all going to die"
     
  17. epepper9

    epepper9 Regular member

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    good one, lol
     
  18. zippyd

    zippyd Active member

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    A man is walking down the street and sees a little boy riding a toy fire engine that’s being pulled by a Dalmatian. Unfortunately, the rope is tied around the dog’s balls, and as a consequence, the toy truck is going very slowly.

    The man says to the boy, "You know, son, that truck would go a lot faster if the rope was tied around your dog’s neck."

    "I guess so," says the kid, "but then I wouldn’t have a siren."

    _________________________________________________________

    A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to the gynecologist. The doctor takes one look at the woman and all of his professionalism goes out the window. He immediately asks her to undress. After she has disrobed, the doctor begins stroking her thigh.

    "Do you know what I’m doing?" he asks.

    "Yes," she replies. "You’re checking for any abrasions or abnormalities."

    "That’s right," says the doctor. Emboldened, he then begins to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I’m doing now?"

    "You’re checking for any lumps or breast cancer," she replies.

    "Correct," says the doctor. Deciding to go for broke, he mounts her and begins having sex with her. "Do you know what I’m doing now?"

    "Yes," she says. "You’re getting herpes—which is what I came here about in the first place."
    ________________________________________________________

    A woman goes shoe-shopping one day. As the salesman is helping her try on shoes he notices she is not wearing panties. He looks at the woman and says, “Man, I’d love to fill that with ice cream and eat it!”

    The woman slaps the man and runs home to tell her husband. The husband acts disinterested and his wife gets angry and asks, “Aren’t you going to do anything!?”

    The husband replies, “First of all, you have too many shoes as it is. Second, you shouldn’t be out shopping without panties. And third of all, I’m not going to mess with anybody who can eat that much ice cream!”
     
  19. epepper9

    epepper9 Regular member

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    ewww and lol
     
  20. andmerr

    andmerr Guest

    good one zip, have a look at my other thread " congrats to prince charles etc... what are your thoughts, reckon he rides her like a horse'
     

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