heres a sample maybe an addict of your standing would rate this post ddp.If its to much post me and i'll delete it andmerr The Statements Car Owners are Really Making Acura Integra - I have always wanted to own the Buick of sports cars Acura Legend - I'm too bland for German cars Acura NSX - I am impotent Audi 90 - I enjoy putting out engine fires Buick Park Avenue - I am older than 34 of the 50 states Cadillac Eldorado - I am a very good Mary Kay salesman Cadillac Seville - I am a pimp Chevrolet Camaro- I enjoy beating the hell out of people Chevrolet Chevette-I like seeing people's reactions when I tell them I have a 'Vette Chevrolet Corvette- I'm in a mid-life crisis Chevrolet El Camino- I am leading a militia to overthrow the government Chrysler Cordoba- I dig the rich Corinthian leather Datsun 280Z - I have a kilo of cocaine in my wheel well Dodge Dart - I teach third grade special education and I voted for Eisenhower Dodge Daytona - I delivered pizza for four years to get this car Ferrari Testarossa - I am known to prematurely ejaculate Ford Fairmont - (See Dodge Dart) Ford Mustang - I slow down to 85 in school zones Ford Crown Victoria - I enjoy having people slow to 55mph and change lanes when I pull up behind them Geo Storm - I will start the 11th grade in the fall. Geo Tracker - I will start the 12th grade in the fall. Honda del Sol - I have always said, half a convertible better than no convertible at all Honda Civic - I have just graduated and have no credit Honda Accord - I lack any originality and am basically a lemming. Infiniti Q45 - I am a physician with 17 malpractice suits pending. Isuzu Impulse - I do not give a damn about J.D. Power or his reports. Jaguar XJ6-I am so rich I will pay 60K for a car that is in the shop 280 days per year. Kia Sephia - I learned nothing from the failure of Daihatsu Corp. Lamborghini Countach - I only have one testicle Lincoln Town Car - I live for bingo and covered dish suppers Mercury Grand Marquis - (See above) Mercedes 500SL- I will beat you up if you ask me for an autograph Mercedes 560SEL - I have a daughter named Bitsy and a son named Cole Mazda Miata - I do not fear being decapitated by an eighteen-wheeler MGB - I am dating a mechanic Mitsubishi Diamante - I don't know what it means either Nissan 300ZX - I have yet to complete my divorce proceedings. Oldsmobile Cutlass - I just stole this car and I'm going to make a fortune off the parts Peugeot 505 Diesel - I am on the EPA's Ten Most Wanted List Plymouth Neon - I sincerely enjoy doing the Macarena Pontiac Trans AM - I have a switchblade in my sock Porsche 911 Turbo - I have a three inch thingie Porsche 944 - I am dating big haired women that otherwise would be inaccessible to me Rolls Royce Silver Shadow - I think Pat Buchanon is a tad bit too liberal Saturn SC2 - (See Honda Civic) Subaru Legacy - I have always wanted a Japanese car even more inferior than Isuzu Toyota Camry - I am still in the closet Volkswagon Beetle - I still watch Partridge Family reruns Volkswagon Cabriolet - I am out of the closet Volkswagon Microbus - I am tripping right now Volvo 740 Wagon - I am frightened of my wife -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Top 15 Reasons for Being Fired from Toys 'R Us 15. A little too much joie de vivre while demonstrating the erector set, if you know what I mean. 14. Every time you're passed over for a promotion, you stick your head in an Easy Bake Oven and threaten to "end it all." 13. You got caught adding a garage to your house using embezzled Lego bricks. 12. Numerous parental complaints about your "Tickle Me Carl The Stockboy" display. 11. You went overboard with your GI Joe Militia display by adding the Tonka truck full of fertilizer. 10. Cross-dressing the Ken and Barbie dolls and telling kids they're the new "Jerry Springer" edition. 9. The "My Little Taxidermy Kit" (with starter squirrel) is not selling. 8. Impromptu demonstrations of why Malibu Ken is not anatomically correct. 7. Got caught doing your Dolly Parton impression with basketballs again. 6. Source of reefer smoke finally traced to "nostrils" of Geoffrey the Giraffe. 5. Jaws of life needed to pull your knees out of your chest after you jackknifed a Big Wheel. 4. Caught hocking phlegm into tykes' hands and telling them it was "homemade Gack." 3. Your sales display, "Barbie's Struggle for Survival in Post-Nuclear Holocaust Malibu" was not exactly an overwhelming success. 2. Too many reports from people who swear they saw Geoffrey the Giraffe in a leather bar. 1. Regardless of the question, you answer, "Bite me, kid -- I'm on break."
A WOMAN'S RANDOM THOUGHTS 1) Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring. 2) Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them. 3) One of life's mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can make a woman gain 5 LBS. 4) My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely. 5) The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes. 6) The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you're doing, someone else does. 7) The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends. 8) Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today. 9) Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness. 10) I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire. 11) Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes! 12) Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, "You know sometimes I just forget to eat," Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat. 13) A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care. 14) They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "Listen witch ... do it and die." 15) The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing (and then they marry him.) 16) I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day. 17) I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff. 18) If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?
The Dildo Shop There was this lady who just received a job in a dildo shop and the manager says to the lady " I'm stepping out for a little while so be sure to look after the store and help out the customers" An hour went by and no one has come in. Until one red headed women does and she walks up to to the other women and asks " Excuse me miss but do you sell any dildo's here? " Why yes we do just over here on my left hand side. So the red head looks and all the dildo's they offer and says " how much for that white dildo? " and the lady says about $20.00 how much for that black dildo about $40.00 how much for that Silver dildo and the women says sorry madam but that is not for sale. OK the red head said I'll take the black one so the read head give's the cashier $40.00 and she puts the black dildo in a plastic bag and the red head walks out the door. A black headed woman walks in and asks " Excuse me but do you sell any dildo's here yes on my left hand side. how much for the white one oh that about $20.00 how much for the black one oh that's about $40.00 how much for the Silver one oh sorry madam that's not for sale. Ok the woman says I'll take the black dildo so the Black headed woman gives $40.00 and the cashier puts the black dildo in a plastic bag and sends her on her way. A blonde walks in and asks the cashier excuse me miss but do you sell any dildos here, why yes we do it's on my left hand side. how much for the white one oh that's about $20.00 how much for the black one oh that's about $40.00 how much for that Silver one and the cashier says well for you miss that will be $100.00 great I'll take the silver one. So the cashier takes $100.00 from the blonde and she takes the silver one and puts it in a plastic bag and she sends the blonde on her way. A coulpe of hours go by and her boss walks into the store so tell me how's your first day on the job going? the cashier turns to her boss and say " Oh wonderful boss I just sold two black dildo's and my thermos "
Is There An Elephant In Your Pants? After a complete examination the doctor tells Jack, "Generally your in good health but there is one area of concern, the problem is that the muscles around the base of your penis are damaged. If you're willing to try an experimental treatment we may be able to help you." "What is this treatment?" asks Jack "Well," the doctor explains, what we would do is take the muscles from the trunk of a baby elephant and implant them in your penis." Jack thinks about it and says, "Well the thought of going through life without ever having sex again is terrible, let's go for it." A few weeks after the operation Jack was given the green light to use his improved equipment. He planned a romantic evening for his date and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city. In the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being painful. To release the pressure Jack unzipped his fly. His penis immediately sprung from his pants,went to the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and then returned to his pants. His date was stunned at first but then said with a sly smile,"That was incredible! Can you do it again?" Jack, with his eyes watering said, "Well, I guess so, but I don't think I can fit another roll in my ass.".
YOU KNOW YOUR LIFE SUCKS WHEN..... -- A black cat crosses your path and drops dead. -- You take an assertiveness training course and you're afraid to tell your wife. -- The candles on your cake set off your smoke alarm. -- Your chauffeur is on parole for car theft. -- You have to take out a loan just to get money for the down payment. -- Your children's school calls to surrender. -- The bride's family throws rocks instead of rice. -- Your wife wraps your lunch in a road map. -- Your plants do better when you _don't_ talk to them. -- All your modeling jobs are for cartoonists. -- Your engagement ring is, upon closer inspection, plastic.
How to Shower Like a Woman 1. Take off fourteen layers of clothing you put on this morning. 2. Walk to bathroom wearing robe and towel on head. If you happen to see boyfriend/ husband along the way, ignore juvenile "turban-head" jokes and run to bathroom. 3. Look at womanly physique in the mirror and stick out stomach so as to complain about how fat you're getting. 4. Turn on hot water only. 5. Get in the shower -- once you've found it through all the steam. 6. Look for facecloth, armcloth, legcloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone. 7. Wash hair once with Cucumber and Lemon shampoo with 83 added vitamins. 8. Rinse hair. 9. Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lemon conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes. 10. Wash face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red and raw. 11. Try to wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Java Cake bodywash. 12. Complain bitterly when you realize that your boyfriend/husband has once again been EATING your Ginger Nut and Java Cake body wash. 13. Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes as you must make sure that all the conditioner has come off). 14. Debate shaving armpits and legs and decide that you can't be bothered. 15. Scream loudly when your boyfriend/husband flushes the toilet and you get a rush of cold water. 16. Turn hot water on full and rinse off. 17. Dry with a towel the size of a small African country. How to Shower Like a Man 1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile on the floor. 2. Walk to bathroom wearing a towel. If you see your girlfriend/wife along the way, flash her. 3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs. (No.) 4. Turn on the water. 5. Check for pecs again. (Still No.) 6. Get in the shower. 7. Don't bother to look for a washcloth. (You don't use one.) 8. Wash your face. 9. Wash your armpits. 10. Wash your penis and surrounding area. 11. Wash your ass. 12. Shampoo your hair, do not use conditioner. 13. Make a shampoo mohawk. 14. Open the door and look at yourself in the mirror. 15. Pee. 16. Rinse off and get out of the shower. 17. Return to the bedroom wearing a towel, if you pass your girlfriend/wife, flash her.
"Birth Control" Three women were just visiting, and the subject of birth control came up. The first women said "because of my religion I can't use birth control". The second women said, "my husband and I use the rhythm method". The third women said, "my husband and I use the bucket-and-saucer method". She was asked how did that work? She said, I'm 5'11 and my husband is 5'2. When we have sex, he stands on the bucket. When his eyes get as big as saucers, I kick the bucket out from under him.
Women's Compact Instruction Book: 1. Never do housework. No man ever made love to a woman because the house was spotless. 2. Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany. 3. Don't imagine you can change a man unless he's in diapers. 4. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door. 5. So many men..... so many reasons not to sleep with any of them. 6. If they put a man on the moon, they should be able to put them all there. 7. Tell him you're not his type....you have a pulse. 8. Never let your man's mind wander. It's too little to be let out alone. 9. The only reason men are on this planet is that vibrators can't dance or buy drinks. 10. Never sleep with a man who's named his penis. 11. Go for younger men. You might as well, most of them never mature anyway. 12. A man who can dress himself without looking like Forrest Gump is unquestionably gay. 13. Men are all the same. They just have different faces so you can tell them apart. 14. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable. 15. Women don't make fools of men. Most of them are the do-it-yourself types. 16. The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest they are too old for it. 17. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener. 18. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital. 19. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions. 20. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks. 21. A man's idea of serious commitment is usually "oh all right, I'll stay the night." 22. Women sleep with men, who if they were women, they wouldn't even bother to have lunch with. 23. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means you laugh at his. 24. If he asks you if you're faking it tell him no, you're just practicing. 25. Sadly, all men are created equal. 26. When he asks you if he's your first, tell him "you may be, you look familiar."
If Women Ruled the World > ....Women with cold hands would give men prostate exams. > ....PMS would be a legitimate defense in court. > ....Men would get reputations for sleeping around. > ....Singles bars would have metal detectors to weed out men hiding > wedding rings in their pockets. > ....Fewer women would be dieting because their ideal weight standard would increase by 40 pounds. > ....Shopping would be considered an aerobic activity. > ...."Ms." Magazine would have an annual swimsuit issue featuring > scantily clad male models. > ....Men would not be allowed to eat gas-producing foods within five hours of bedtime. > ....Men would be secretaries for female bosses, working twice as > hard for none of the credit. > ....Little girls would read "Snow White and the Seven Hunks" > ....Men would earn 70 cents for every dollar women made. > ....Men would bring drinks, chips and dip to women watching soap > operas. > ....Men would HAVE to get Playboy for the articles, because there > would be no pictures. > ....Men would learn phrases like: "I'm sorry", "I love > "you","You're beautiful", "Of course you don't look fat in that outfit." > ....Men would be judged entirely by their looks, women by their > accomplishments. > ....Men would sit around and wonder what WE are thinking. > ....Men would pay as much attention to their woman as to their car. > ....All toilet seats would be nailed down. > ....Men would work on relationships as much as they work on their > careers. > ....TV news segments on sports would never run longer than 1 minute. > ....All men would be forced to spend one month in a PMS simulator > ....During mid-life crisis, men would get hot-flashes and women > would date 19 year olds. > ....For basic training, soldiers would have to take care of a > two-year old for six weeks.
LAWS OF WORK -If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights. -A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt. -Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. -It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do. -After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before. -The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get. -You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard. -Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day. -When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves. -If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it. -There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office. -Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back. -Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous." -Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour. -To err is human, to forgive is not our policy. -Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing. -Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail. -If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it. -You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk. -People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't. -If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done. -At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying. -When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried. -Following the rules will not get the job done. -Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules. -When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?" -No matter how much you do, you never do enough. -The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Top Ten Signs You Smoke Too Much 10. In the middle of smoking a cigarette, you pause for a "cigarette break" 9. Your birthday is a state holiday in North Carolina 8. Your title for the Surgeon General: "Captain Bringdown" 7. Cracking your knuckles leaves you winded 6. Morning scedule: Wake up, cough for three hours, take nap 5. In your neighborhood, they give directions by saying "Go down to the big pile of cigarette butts..." 4. You get matress fires more often than haircuts 3. You smoke during sex. 2. You refer to nonsmokers as "pink-lunged sissy boys" 1. You explain to the nurse that you didn't realize you were in a "nonsmoking" iron lung. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- OXYMORONS Act naturally Found missing Resident alien Advanced BASIC Genuine imitation Safe sex Airline food Good grief Same difference Almost exactly Government organization Sanitary landfill Alone together Legally drunk Silent scream British fashion Living dead Small crowd Business ethics Soft Rock Butt head Military intelligence Software documentation New classic "Now, then ..." Synthetic natural gas Passive aggression Taped live Clearly misunderstood Peace force Temporary tax increase Computer jock Plastic glasses Terribly pleased Computer security Political science Tight slacks Definite maybe Pretty ugly Twelve-ounce pound cake Diet ice cream Working vacation Exact estimate Religious tolerance One man crew **Microsoft Works** (my favorite!) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- NUMBERS OF THE BEAST 660 -- Approximate number of The Beast DCLXVI -- Roman numeral of The Beast 666.000000 -- Number of the High Precision Beast 0.666 -- Number of the Millibeast /666 -- Beast Common Denominator 0.005015 -- Reciprocal of the Beast. 666i -- Imaginary number of The Beast 1010011010 -- Binary number of The Beast 443556 -- Square of the Beast 2.8235 -- Log of the beast 6.5913 -- Ln Beast 1.738E289 -- Anti-log of the beast 6.66E2 --Scientific number of the Beast 29A -- Hexadecimal number of the Beast 666! -- Factorial of the Beast 665.99999973 -- Intel Pentium number of the Beast 6, uh... what was that number again? -- Number of the Blonde Beast 1-666 -- Area code of The Beast 00666 -- Zip code of The Beast 666@hell.org -- E-mail address of the beast http://www.666.org/ -- Web-page of the Beast 1-900-666-0666 -- Live Beasts! One-on-one pacts! Call Now! Only $6.66/minute. Over 18 only please. $665.95 -- Retail price of The Beast $55.50 -- Monthly cost of the Beast in twelve easy equal monthly installments $699.25 -- Price of The Beast plus 5% state sales tax $769.95 -- Price of The Beast with all accessories and replacement soul $656.66 -- WalMart price of The Beast $646.66 -- Next week's WalMart price of The Beast Phillips 666 -- Gasoline of The Beast Route 666 -- Way of The Beast (Highway to Hell) 666 Minutes -- Weekly news program about the Beast 666 F -- Oven temperature for roast Beast 664 & 668 -- Neighbours of the Beast 666k -- Retirement plan of The Beast 666 mg -- Recommended Minimum Daily Requirement of Beast 6.66 % -- 5 year CD interest rate at First Beast of Hell National Bank, $666 minimum deposit. Lotus 6-6-6 -- Spreadsheet of The Beast Word 6.66 -- Word Processor of The Beast i66686 -- CPU of The Beast 666-i -- BMW of The Beast 666SLK -- Mercedes of The Beast 666 Sunset Strip -- Old T. V. series about the Beast soon on Nick-At-Nite DSM-666 (revised) -- Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of The Beast Windows 666 -- Bill Gates' personal Beast -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Famous Last Words (Part 1) I'll get a world record for this. Let me reach in and get your watch out of the printing press. Hey there's no handles inside these car doors! Gee, that's a cute tattoo. Here's my Kent State student ID. It's fireproof. He's probably just hibernating. What does this button do? I'm making a citizen's arrest. Can we get a vision plan? So, you're a cannibal. It's probably just a rash. Why am I standing on a plastic sheet? Are you sure the power is off? Yeah, I made the deciding vote on the jury, so what of it? No, my shoes aren't untied. The odds of that happening have to be a million to one! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- YOU KNOW YOU'RE GETTING OLDER WHEN... Everything that works hurts, and what doesn't hurt doesn't work. You feel like the morning after, and you haven't been anywhere. Your little black book only contains names ending in M.D. Your children are beginning to look middle-aged. Your mind makes contracts your body can't keep. You look forward to a dull evening. Your knees buckle and your belt won't. Your back goes out more than you do. You sink your teeth into a steak, and they stay there. You know all the answers, but nobody asks the questions. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Top Ten Things that Sound Dirty in GOLF but aren't: 10. Nuts...my shaft is bent 9. After 18 holes I can barely walk 8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker 7. Look at the size of his putter 6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more 5. Mind if I join your threesome? 4. Stand with your back turned and drop it 3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip 2. Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired 1. Hold up...I need to wash my balls first -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- High Tech Good Ol' Boys How to tell if you might be a High Tech Good Ol' Boy ... If your e-mail address ends in ".over.yonder.com" If you connect to the World Wide Web via a "Down Home Page" If the bumper sticker on your truck says "My other computer is a laptop" If your laptop has a sticker that says "Protected by Smith and Wesson" If you've ever doubled the value of your truck by installing a cellular phone. If your baseball cap read "DEC" instead of "CAT" If your computer is worth more than all your cars combined If your wife said "either she or the computer had to go", and you still don't miss her If you've ever used a CD-ROM as a coaster to set your beer on If you ever refer to your computer as "Ole Bessy" If your screen saver is a bitmap image of your favorite truck, tractor, or farm animal If you start all your e-mails with the words "Howdy yall" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Laws Compiled O'Reilly's law of the kitchen: Cleanliness is next to impossible. Lieberman's law: Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens. Denniston's law: Virtue is its own punishment. Gold's law: If the shoe fits, its ugly. Conway's law: In any organization, there will always be one person who knows what is going on. This person should be fired. Finster's law: A closed mouth gathers no feet. Lynch's law: When the going gets tough, everyone leaves. Muir's law: When we try to separate anything out by itself, we find it hitched to everything else in the universe. Glyme's formula for success: The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you've got it made. Mason's first law of synergism: The one day you'd sell your birthright for something, birthrights are a glut. Hanlon's razor: Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity. Handy guide to modern science: If it's green or wriggles, it's biology. If it stinks, it's chemistry. If it doesn't work, it's physics. Green's law of debate: Anything is possible if you don't know what you're talking about. Stewart's law of retroaction: It is easier to get forgiveness than permission. First rule of history: History doesn't repeat itself, historians merely repeat each other. Oliver's law of location: No matter where you go, there you are. Harrison's postulate: For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 10 Giveaway Signs Your Nextdoor Neighbour Is A Serial Killer 1. More visitors go in than come out again. 2. You accidentally kick a football over their fence and they kick a human head back. 3. They're always borrowing bin-liners. 4. Dyno-rod come round in teams. 5. You once went round there for a game of cards and when your neighbour threw his hand in, it wasn't his hand. 6. In hot weather the house smells like Smithfield Market. 7. Their back patio is a good three feet higher than when they moved in. 8. They're known locally as quiet people who keep themselves to themselves but would always lend you a bloodied spanner or length of flex. 9. They have a pet vulture. 10. During investigations after the mysterious disappearance of a local student, your neighbours were interviewed by the police at length and no charges were brought against them. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Hallmark Cards Rejects 1. Happy Vasectomy! Hope you feel zippy! 'Cause when I had mine I got real snippy. 2. My tire was thumping I thought it was flat When I looked at the tire I noticed your cat...Sorry. 3. You had your bladder removed And you're on the mends Here's a bouquet of flowers And a box of Depends. 4. You've announced that you're gay Won't that be a laugh When they find out you're one Of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. 5. So your daughter's a hooker And it spoiled your day Look at the bright side She's a really good lay. 6. Heard your wife left you How upset you must be But don't fret about it She moved in with me. 7. Your computer is dead It was once so alive Don't you regret installing Windows '95? 8. You crashed your car And can't remember why Could it have been That case of Bud Dry? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- How to tell when food is spoiled THE GAG TEST Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers from what you cooked for yourself last night). EGGS When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime. DAIRY PRODUCTS Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway and can't get any more spoiled than it is already. MAYONNAISE If it makes you violently ill after you eat it, if the mayonnaise is spoiled. FROZEN FOODS Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled - (or wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife. MEAT If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three-block radius to congregate outside your house, the meat is spoiled. LETTUCE Bibb lettuce is spoiled when you can't get it off the bottom of the vegetable crisper without Comet cleanser. CANNED GOODS Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a basketball should be disposed of. Carefully. CARROTS A carrot that you can tie a clove hitch in is not fresh. WINE It should not taste like salad dressing. POTATOES Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth. CHIP DIP If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor, it has gone bad. GENERAL RULE OF THUMB: Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a hamster. Keep a hamster in your refrigerator to gauge this. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 6 OF THE WORLD'S SHORTEST BOOKS: -+- Easy UNIX -+- Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance -+- Everything Men Know About Women -+- Bill Clinton's Guide to Ethics -+- How to Sustain a Musical Career by Art Garfunkel -+- Guide to Dating Etiquette by Mike Tyson -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Life's Lessons Money doesn't bring you happiness, but it enables you to look for it in more places. Your conscience may not keep you from doing wrong, but it sure keeps you from enjoying it. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places. Misers aren't much fun to live with, but they make great ancestors. Be careful what rut you choose. You may be in it the rest of your life. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket. When you see the handwriting on the wall, you can bet you're in a public restroom. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming. The real reason you can't take it with you is that it goes before you do. A person who can smile when things go wrong has found someone to blame it on. A modern pioneer is a person who can get through a rainy Saturday when the television's on the blink. The world is full of willing people: some willing to work and some willing to let them. Money isn't everything.... there's credit cards, money orders, and travelers checks. Some people are like blisters. They don't show up until the work is done. A true friend is one that lets his grass grow as tall as his neighbor's. A baby-sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers. If you don't know where you're going, you're never lost. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again. (thanks, Falcon ) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Top 12 Articles in "Girl Scout Cosmopolitan" (Part I) 12> The New "Tripp" Badge: Tips on Taping Your Friends' Phone Calls 11> Den Mothers Who Spank -- and the Scouts Who Like It! 10> The 5 Warning Signs of Cooties 9> Love Across The Lake: Am I Just Another Badge On His Sash? 8> Good Girls Get Badges, Bad Girls Get Mink 7> Oxy-*50*? It's closer than you think! 6> The Cookie Makeover: Thinner Mints in 7 Days 5> Real-Life Adventures: "I Slipped the Tongue to a Really Cute Guy While Giving Him CPR" 4> How To Tell If Your Scoutmaster Watches "Ellen" 3> Give Him S'More: Make-out Tips That'd Make Your Troop Leader Blush! 2> I Was a 78-lb Tub of Lard 1> Locating Your "Gee, I'll Sell Cookies Here" Spot -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Did you hear about the... Paper company that folded? Brake company on the skids? Black Rock group - now defunked? Bra manufacturers that went bust? Brick company that went to the wall? Industrial Cleaners that are washed out? Balloon company - a victim of inflation? Contractor for Bridges which collapsed? Surgeon who was forced to take a cut in his salary? Cigarette company that went up in smoke? Baker who was short of dough? Refrigerator manufacturer that had it's assets frozen? Radio manufacturers that had to appoint a Receiver? Corset firm that felt the squeeze? Upholsterers that couldn't cover their costs? Adhesive tape company that got into a sticky situation? Pool equipment suppliers that took a dive? Bowling pin manufacturer hit by strikes? Tennis ball manufacturer that ended up in court? Downfall of the bungee suppliers? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer and alcohol bottles...such as: 13. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not. 12. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot. 11. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN. 10. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish. 9. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning. 8. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants. 7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember). 6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead. 5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck. 4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible. 3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you. 2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to "literally disappear". 1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE you to fusk someone that you normally wouldn't let take out your trash. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
GEOGRAPHY OF WOMEN Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa: half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile soil. Between 23 and 30, a woman is like America: well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash. Between 31 and 35, a woman is like India: very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty. Between 36 and 40, a woman is like France: gently aging but still warm and a desirable place to visit. Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain: with a glorious and all conquering past. Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Yugoslavia: lost the war and haunted by past mistakes. Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Russia: very wide and borders are now unpatrolled. After 70, a woman is like Tibet: wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages....only those with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge visit here. GEOGRAPHY OF MEN Between 1 and 70, a man is like America: ruled by a d!ck.
Not funny really but I just had to add the link, I have found my new home.............. http://users3.ev1.net/~staysea/SheepDance.html
Yep, the after 70 is right up my street, lots of miles and plenty to hang on to............not forgetting the feeling when the dentures have been removed..............nothing even comes close to that........
Joe was having headaches for 20 years and The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles." Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see...size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve and 16-1/2 neck." Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see...9-1/2 E." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see...size 36." Joe laughed "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache." ALWAYS get a second opinion...
heres my usual dose of jokes for this lovely friday night. To days topic is computer jokes.Enjoy one and all andmerr YK2 It seems that computer programs are full of "bugs," so named because that's what many software engineers look like. And, the worst bug is the Y2K, which, if left unaddressed, could result in the following calamities: Bill Clinton might be constitutionally eligible to run for a third term. Chevy might bring back the Vega. Airlines might accidentally install seats large enough for people to sit in. Due to a crash in their phone systems, you could call a bank and wind up talking to a person instead of a recording. The White House might start charging drug dealers the wrong rate for a night in the Lincoln Bedroom. As the ball drops on New Year's Eve in Times Square in New York, it might get stuck, meaning Dick Clark would be on television forever. Your VCR would stop blinking MIDNIGHT MIDNIGHT MIDNIGHT and start blinking NOON NOON NOON. Tony Orlando might decide the time is right for a comeback. ******************************************************************* Hello. Yes, you. You, looking at this screen for hours on end, online. You, bleary-eyed. You, an addict. Have you looked in the mirror lately? Been outside? Know what day of the week it is? Your name was given to us by a spouse or family member who is concerned about your internet addiction. At Internetaholics Anonymous, we can help. We're a non-profit society of recovering addicts like yourself that provides support and counseling through weekly meetings designed to help you cope with your problem. We feature a twelve-step recovery program and in extreme cases, interventions. Although it is our firm belief that you are never "cured", you most certainly can recover. We have designed a brief checklist to determine if you are an addict. Do you: 1) Have twitches of the hand when you walk by your terminal? 2) Check e-mail more than five times a day? 3) Spend more time chatting than eating or sleeping? 4) Surf aimlessly with no direction, if only to be online? 5) Leave your name and information at countless sites if only to hope you'll receive a reply one day from a company you'll never do business with anyway? 6) Log on before important personal habits, such as meal preparation, hygiene or bodily functions? 7) Have red, swollen eyes that hang halfway out of your head? 8) Spend hours online on a holiday from work, where you'd usually be griping about your carpal tunnel syndrome? 9) See smoke arising from your computer or WebTV box? 10) All of the above? If you answered yes to four or more questions (or chose #10), you have a problem. Please call us at Internetaholics Anonymous at: 1-800-LOGOFFNOWFORSWEETJESUSSAKES. We're here, we're free, and we're confidential. The first step to recovery is admission that you have a problem. Call us today. If you can power off to free up your phone line, that is. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Ways to Prepare for the Millennium Bug Sell stock in Microsoft and AOL, invest everything in shotguns and bottled water. Move computer's clock ahead now to test for co^^^NO CARRIER Start writing an exquisitely obscene job-resignation letter. Stockpile semen to repopulate Earth in case post-Apocalypse chicks still won't have sex with you. Open checking accounts in dozens of different banks with no more than $20 in each, and wait for a windfall. Convert to Judaism, then begin worrying about the Y10K bug. Party like its 1899 Discard toasters made before 1995 because nobody likes bread toasted for 2 minutes and 100 years. Send Schwarzenegger back in time to bitch slap those lazy COBOL engineers. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- (poem based on The Raven, by Edgar Allen Poe.) Abort, Retry, Ignore? By Anonymous Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary, System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor, Longing for the warmth of bed sheets, still I sat there doing spreadsheets. Having reached the bottom line I took a floppy from the drawer I then invoked the SAVE command and waited for the disk to store, Only this and nothing more. Deep into the monitor peering, long I sat there wond'ring, fearing. Doubting, while the disk kept churning, turning yet to churn some more. But the silence was unbroken, and the stillness gave no token. "Save!" I said, "You cursed mother! Save my data from before!" One thing did the phosphors answer, only this and nothing more, Just, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?" Was this some occult illusion, some maniacal intrusion? These were choices undesired, ones I'd never faced before. Carefully I weighed the choices as the disk made impish noises. The cursor flashed, insistent, waiting, baiting me to type some more. Clearly I must press a key, choosing one and nothing more, From "Abort, Retry, Ignore?" With fingers pale and trembling, slowly toward the keyboard bending, Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored, Praying for some guarantee, timidly, I pressed a key. But on the screen there still persisted words appearing as before. Ghastly grim they blinked and taunted, haunted, as my patience wore, Saying "Abort, Retry, Ignore?" I tried to catch the chips off guard, and pressed again, but twice as hard. I pleaded with the cursed machine: I begged and cried and then I swore. Now in mighty desperation, trying random combinations, Still there came the incantation, just as senseless as before. Cursor blinking, angrily winking, blinking nonsense as before. Reading, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?" There I sat, distraught, exhausted, by my own machine accosted. Getting up I turned away and paced across the office floor. And then I saw a dreadful sight: a lightning bolt cut through the night. A gasp of horror overtook me, shook me to my very core. The lightning zapped my previous data, lost and gone forevermore. Not even, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?" To this day I do not know the place to which lost data go. What demonic nether world is wrought where lost data will be stored, Beyond the reach of mortal souls, beyond the ether, into black holes? But sure as there's C, Pascal, Lotus, Ashton-Tate and more, You will one day be left to wander, lost on some Plutonian shore, Pleading, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Jargon Jungle - Alpha: Software undergoes alpha testing as a first step in getting user feedback. Alpha is Latin for "doesn't work." - Beta: Software undergoes beta testing shortly before it's released. Beta is Latin for "still doesn't work." - Computer: Instrument of torture. The first computer was invented by Roger "Duffy" Billingsly, a British scientist. In a plot to overthrow Adolf Hitler, Duffy disguised himself as a German ally and offered his invention as a gift to the surly dictator. The plot worked. On April 8, 1945, Adolf became so enraged at the "Incompatible File Format" error message that he shot himself. The war ended soon after Hitler's death, and Duffy began working for IBM. - CPU: Central propulsion unit. The CPU is the computer's engine. It consists of a hard drive, an interface card and a tiny spinning wheel that's powered by a running rodent - a gerbil if the machine is a 286, a ferret if it's a 386 and a ferret on speed if it's a 486. - Default Directory: Black hole. Default directory is where all files that you need disappear to. - Error message: Terse, baffling remark used by programmers to place blame on users for the program's shortcomings. - File: A document that has been saved with an unidentifiable name. It helps to think of a file as something stored in a file cabinet - except when you try to remove the file, the cabinet gives you an electric shock and tells you the file format is unknown. - Hardware: Collective term for any computer-related object that can be kicked or battered. - Help: The feature that assists in generating more questions. When the help feature is used correctly, users are able to navigate through a series of Help screens and end up where they started from without learning anything. - Input/Output: Information is input from the keyboard as intelligible data and output to the printer as unrecognizable junk. - Interim Release: A programmer's feeble attempt at repentance. - Memory: Of computer components, the most generous in terms of variety, and the skimpiest in terms of quantity. - Printer: A joke in poor taste. A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light. - Programmers: Computer avengers. Once members of that group of high school nerds who wore tape on their glasses, played Dungeons and Dragons, and memorized Star Trek episodes; now millionaires who create "user-friendly" software to get revenge on whoever gave them noogies. - Reference Manual: Object that raises the monitor to eye level. Also used to compensate for that short table leg. - Scheduled Release Date: A carefully calculated date determined by estimating the actual shipping date and subtracting six months from it. - User-Friendly: Of or pertaining to any feature, device or concept that makes perfect sense to a programmer. - Users: Collective term for those who stare vacantly at a monitor. Users are divided into three types: novice, intermediate and expert. - Novice Users: People who are afraid that simply pressing a key might break their computer. - Intermediate Users: People who don't know how to fix their computer after they've just pressed a key that broke it. - Expert Users: People who break other people's computers. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Sign-Offs for E-mail Messages C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit. Stack Error: Lost on a cluttered desk... Life would be much easier if I had the source code. ASCII to ASCII, DOS to DOS. How do I set my laser printer on stun? Today's subliminal thought is: It said, "Insert disk #3," but only two will fit! RAM DISK is not an installation procedure! (Thanks Falcon!) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I saw a lady at work today putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. I inquired as to what she was doing and she said she was shopping on the Internet, and they asked for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy".
A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call for me?" The man replies, "No, what do you mean?" She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me." Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her. Later, the man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts. Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him, "Did you call for ! me?" says the hairy man. "No, what do you mean?"says the newcomer. "You must be new," says the hairy man, "it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spins him around, over a bench and has his way with him. The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, "May I help you?" she says. The man yells, "Here's my membership card. You ! can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee." "But, Sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities." The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 15 times a day. I'm outta here."
A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune. "Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give blowjobs!" "Blowjobs!" the woman replied. "It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month," he said. The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true...no more blowjobs for her!!! She bought the frog. When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off. The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again. In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks. "What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked. The husband replied, "If I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is gone."
At a bookstore the other day, I saw a book entitled "Sex for Dummies". Why would someone want to teach dumb people how to reproduce? Aren't there enough of them on the roads now?
