hey i'm not that much older than you wolf36, think i'm better looking though and no weasel the better looking isnt the joke.........
gee i hardly noticed: First Thing to do after Jail -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Bad Bernie was in prison for seven years. The day he got out, his wife and son were there to pick him up. He came through the gates and got into the car. The only thing he said was, "F.F." His wife turned to him and answered, "E.F." Out on the highway, he said, "F.F." She responded simply, "E.F." He repeated, "F.F." She again replied, "E.F." "Mom! Dad!" their son yelled. "What's going on?" Bad Bernie answered, "Your mother wants to eat first!"
A couple went to mass and took confession. The husband went into the confessional and said "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned." The father asked him the nature of this - to which he replied "While my wife was bending over the freezer I had lustful thoughts and had my way with her." The Priest tried explaining that having sex with your own wife was not a sin and forgiveness was not needed. Still, the man insisted that he felt guilty. The priest told him to say three Hail Mary's and be on his way. Next, the wife went into the confessional and said that while she was leaning over the freezer her husband had had his way with her. The priest asked her how long she had been married. She replied it was three years now. The priest tried to explain to her that it was quite proper for married people to have sex and that there was nothing to be guilty about. Still, the woman insisted that she felt guilty so the priest told her to say three Hail Mary's and think no more about it. As she turned to leave, the woman asked the priest if her and her husband would be banned from the church. "Banned from the church?! Whatever gave you that idea?' the priest queried. "Well," she said, "they banned us from the supermarket!"
Eight Words with two Meanings 1. THINGY (thing-ee) n. Female...... Any part under a car's hood. Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra. 2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj. Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another. Male.... Playing football without a cup. 3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n. Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner. Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys. 4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n. Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family. Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one. 5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n. Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book. Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer. 6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n. Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion. Male...... ! A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding. 7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n. Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve. Male... Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it. 8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n. Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another. Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
Sign language -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Two deaf people got married. During the first week of marriage, they found they were unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn the lights off because they can't see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time." The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, now if you want to have sex with me, reach over and pull on penis one time." "If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis....fifty times." Two nuns -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- There were two nuns... One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent. SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants. SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us. SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most? What can we do? SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster. SM: It's not working. SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too. SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute. SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both. So the man decided to follow Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical. Then Sister Logical arrives. SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened! SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me. SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then? SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could. SM: And? SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me. SM: Oh, dear! What did you do? SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up. SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do? SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants. SM: Oh, no! What happened then? SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down. And for those of you who thought it would be dirty, say two Hail Marys!
the only logical thing happened....... of course btw Andmerr the sign language one made me laugh out loud
for such a compliment regor heres an early one , til friday see ya. Genie grants wishes to golfers wife -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf..... Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course. The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us." So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in." When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window. A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?" "Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied. "Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself." "Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life. And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked. "I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said. "Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!" "And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?" "Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife." The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think? " She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?" "You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. "I'd do the same for you!" So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?" "Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly. "NO SHIT. Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"
