[bold]Voted Best Joke of the Year in Scotland:[/bold] Angus walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says: "Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache." His wife is lying in bed and replies: "I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot." The man says: "I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."
Rodney's One-Liners 1. I was so poor growing up .. if I wasn't a boy... I'd have had nothing to play with. 2. A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over; nobody's home." I went over. Nobody was home. 3. During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel. 4. One day I came home early from work ... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you jogging like that?" He said "Because you came home early." 5. It's been a rough day. I got up this morning. I put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom. 6. I was such an ugly kid...When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up. 7. I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio. 8. I was such an ugly baby...My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend. 9. I'm so ugly...My father carried around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet. 10. When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through." 11. I'm so ugly...My mother had morning sickness...AFTER I was born. 12. I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof. 13. Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said,"I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide." 14. My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday. 15. I'm so ugly...I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get. 16. I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror...I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me?" He said..."I don't know, but your eye sight is perfect." 17. I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest. 18. With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff. 19. Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a pyramid. Last night he went on the paper four times - three times I was reading it. 20. One year they wanted to make me poster boy for birth control. 21. My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair. 22. I'm so ugly, when I was born the doctor slapped my mother!
Some guys really know how to treat a woman. The Englishman's wife steps up to the first tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear. "Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded. "Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any," she replied. The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, " For the sake of decency, here's 50 Pounds . Go and buy yourself some underwear." Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she is wearing no undies. "Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?" She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me." He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's 20 Pounds . Go and buy yourself some underwear!" Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it. "Sweet mudder of Jasus, Maggie! Where the fook are yer drawers?" She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any." The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the love 'o Jasus, 'n the sake of decency, here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit."
"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night." Rodney Dangerfield "There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL." Lynn Lavner "Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." Camille Paglia "Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight are unimportant." George Burns "Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship."Sharon Stone "My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." Jack Nicholson "Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor) "Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." Robin Williams "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." Billy Crystal "According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful." Robert De Niro "There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?" Dustin Hoffman "There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked'." Jerry Seinfeld "See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." Robin Williams " It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom." Joan Rivers " Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy." Steve Martin " You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman Stuff you pay good money for in later life." Elmo Phillips " Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same." Oscar Wilde " It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married." George Burns
I have a little laugh for you guys. Open Google search ( http://www.google.com ) Then type in [bold]"French Military Victories"[/bold], and click I'm Feeling Lucky :-D
i just did a fast edit,thats what happens to ye when ye are up all night building another puter.. i can loose days when i start building..
Oh, that feels so much better:~)! I thought I'd passed out a whole damn day! Geez, ye know how to scare people Irland:~)! I need another beer to get my senses back(can't remember if I had any, but is worth a try..)
Subject: The body First-year students at Med ical School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor began the lecture by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to possess two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you must not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." To illustrate, he pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the anus of the corpse, withdrew it, and stuck it in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns ,sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it. When everyone finished, the professor looked at them and said "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention".
Political Science for Dummies DEMOCRAT You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. Barbara Streisand sings for you. REPUBLICAN You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So? SOCIALIST You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow. COMMUNIST You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour. CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows. BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE You have two cows. Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain. AMERICAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up. FRENCH CORPORATION You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch and drink wine. Life is good. JAPANESE CORPORATION You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school. GERMAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year. ITALIAN CORPORATION You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good. RUSSIAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You have some vodka. You count them and learn you have five cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have. TALIBAN CORPORATION You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two. You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts. You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons. IRAQI CORPORATION You have two cows. They go into hiding. They send radio tapes of their mooing. POLISH CORPORATION You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them. BELGIAN CORPORATION You have one cow. The cow is schizophrenic. Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish. The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow. The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk. The cow asks permission to be cut in half. The cow dies happy. FLORIDA CORPORATION You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best looking one. Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow. CALIFORNIA CORPORATION You have millions of cows. They make real California cheese. Only five speak English. Most are illegals. Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.
