Three Rednecks were working on the BellSouth tower - Steve, Bruce and Jed. Steve falls off and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife." Jed says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it." Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser. Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Jed?" "Steve's wife gave it to me," Jed replies. "That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?" Well, not exactly", Jed says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow'." She said, "No, I'm not a widow." And I said, "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are".
colw, you've brought tears to my eyes. my sides hurt so bad right now....that was the best laugh i've had all week, lol.
One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he notices that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles. "Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night." the mailman comments. Bob, in obvious pain, replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I?" The mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?" "Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "privates" showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is." The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that. "Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up seven times...."
Three guys -- a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden, and an American engineer -- are working together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes total," says the Genie. The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada." Pooooof! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming. Osama bin Ladin was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Jews or Americans can come into our precious state." Pooooof! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries. The American engineer says, "I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 5000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out -- it's virtually impenetrable." The American engineer says, "Fill it with water."
There were these three farmers that wanted to win the state fair contest for having the largest hog. They decide that they should stick a cork in the pigs a@@ and feed him for a month before the fair. The only problem was that none of them wanted to be the one to stick the cork in. So they bought a monkey and trained him to stick corks in bottles. After a week or two of this, they stick the monkey in the pen with the pig and a cork, and after a minute, the monkey did what he was supposed to do. The farmers fed the pig for a month and sure enough, they won first prize. Once they got home, they realized they still had to take the cork out. So they trained this same monkey to take corks out of bottles. They stuck the monkey in the pen with the pig, and the farmers woke up three days later in the hospital with a reporter sitting next to them. The reporter asked the first farmer, "What is the last thing you remember?" "Sh@t flying everywhere," the farmer replied. The reporter asked the second farmer the same question and got the same response. When she got to the third farmer and asked him what he could remember, he started crying. The reporter asked, "What's the matter?" The farmer replied, "The last thing I remember is the look on the poor monkey's face as he tried to stick the cork back in."
One Night After Watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire... A man and his wife went to bed and the man was getting very frisky. He asked his wife if she was in the mood. His wife answered, "Not tonight dear, I have a headache." The man replied, "Is that your final answer?" She said "Yes." "OK, then I'd like to phone a friend." he replied.
An ugly woman walks into a shop with her two kids. The shopkeeper asks "Are they twins"? The woman says "No, he's 9 and she's 7. Why? Do you think they look alike?" "No", he replies "I just can't believe you got laid twice"!
A woman walks into her sex therapist's office and tells her that her husband is not a very good lover, and they never have sex anymore, and asks what to do about it. The therapist tells her that she has a new drug called Viagra that might do the trick. She tells the woman to give her husband one pill that night and come back in the morning and tell her what happened. The next day, the woman comes in ecstatic telling the therapist that the Viagra worked and she and her husband had the best sex ever. She asks her therapist what would happen if she gave her husband two pills. The therapist says she doesn't know, but to go ahead and try it. The next day, the same thing happens, the woman comes in telling the therapist that the sex was even better than the night before and what would happen if she gave him five pills. The therapist says she doesn't know, but to go ahead and try it. The next day, the woman comes in limp but happy, and tells the therapist that the sex just keeps getting better and what would happen if she gave her husband the rest of the bottle. The therapist says she doesn't know; it's a new drug and she doesn't know what a full bottle could do to a person. Anyway, the woman leaves the therapist's office and puts the rest of the bottle of pills in the husband's morning coffee. A week later, a boy walks into the therapist's office and says: "Are you the moron who gave my mother a bottle of Viagra?" "Why, yes, young man, I did. Why?" "Well, mom's dead, my sister's pregnant, my a@@ hurts, and dad's sitting' in the corner going "Here, kitty, kitty, kitty..."
MAN'S SEX LIFE Seems that when the Lord was creating the world, He called man over and bestowed upon him twenty years of normal sex life. Man was absolutely horrified... "Only twenty years of normal sex life?" Yet, the Lord was adamant and insisted that Man could have no more than twenty years of normal sex life. Then, the Lord called the monkey and gave him twenty years. "But, I don't need twenty years," protested the monkey. "Ten years is plenty for me." Man spoke up eagerly, "Can I have the other ten years?" The monkey graciously agreed. Then, the Lord called the lion and gave him twenty years. The lion, like the monkey, only wanted ten years. Again, man spoke up, "Can I have the other ten years?" The lion graciously agreed. Then, along came a donkey and he too was given twenty years. But, like the others, ten years was more than sufficient. Once again, man pleaded, "Can I have the other ten years?" And so, it all makes perfect sense now... Man has twenty years of normal sex life, ten years of monkeying around, ten years of lion about it and ten years of making an ass of himself.
HE'S SURE A DUMB GUY A beautiful blonde goes into a bar and sits down next to a guy that's so homely looking, he hasn't had a date in over a year, also, he's sooooo dumb that one night he slept with a ruler next to his head to see how long he slept. So he figures that he has absolutely no chance in the world to score a date with this ravishing buxom blonde. Then suddenly she strikes up a conversation with him and soon they become rather chummy. It starts to get late and the bartender calls out last drink for alcohol, then the blonde leans over to the guy and says, "Let's have this last drink at my apartment." Taken back by her request, and trembling, the guy finally utters the word, "OK." They get up from the bar stool arm and arm headed for the door, when the blonde stops him and says, "Before we go back to my apartment there's one thing I have to tell you, I'm on my menstrual cycle." He says, "That's ok, I'll follow you in my Honda."
so do me pics or don't me pics? they show up for me so I'm having a tremendous time trouble-shooting... ???
Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so, of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man standing there. "Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come. About 5:00." "Great", says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you." As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you......be some drinkin'." "Not a problem" says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em." Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too." "Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there, Thanks again." "More'n likely be some wild sex, too," "Now that's really not a problem" says Tom, warming to the idea "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?" "Don't much matter ..... Just gonna be the two of us."
here's a joke... a guy is sitting at his computer at work, and he says to the next guy, "my elbow hurts, i think i need to go to the doctor". he responds, "dont do that, they cost to much. go to this really cool machine they have at the drug store, you pee in a cup and put ten dollars into the machine, along with your pee, and it tells what is wrong with you" "oh thats really cool, i might go try that". so, he goes to the drug store with pee and $10 in hand, and puts it in the machine. the machine tells him that he has tennis elbow, and that he should soak it in warm water twice a day for two weeks and it will get better. so on his way home the guy is wondering if he can fool this machine. so he gets home, puts some tap water in a cup, his dog', his daughter's and his wife's pee into the cup, and for good measure he figures he'll masturbate into the cup too. so he goes back the the store puts it into the machine, and the machine tells him this, okay listen up you moron, first of all your tap water is hard, get a softener, you dog has rabies, take him to the vet, your daughter is addicted to heroin she needs rehab, your wife is pregnant with twins, not yours get a lawyer, and if you dont stop jacking off your never gonna get your tennis elbow to heal.
Top Ten Reasons It's Time For A New Convertible Top" (with apologies to Dave Letterman): #10. Calling your convertible a "ragtop" is more reality than slang. #9. You're cruising down the highway with the wind in your hair and the warm sun on your shoulders-- with THE TOP UP! #8. You couldn't see or hear the police cruiser--you know, the one with flashing lights that's been behind you for the last 3 miles. #7. The weather forecast inside your car is at least as bad as that for the outside world. #6. Your spouse is getting suspicious because you keep a half dozen towels in your car. #5. Your insurance company refuses to insure you against pneumonia. #4. You would order a new top, but you can't tell what color the old one was. #3. When it's raining, you avoid hitting the brakes because the puddle under the seat soaks your pant legs. #2. Neighborhood cats won't walk on your top for fear of falling through. And the #1 reason it's time for a new top: You're running out of duct tape! -unknown
