Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out...."Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!" Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse." Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it." So......Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse! " Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!" Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!" Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix." So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!" Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!" Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!" To which Ma replies, "Hurt's, don't it
Subject: Diary of a six day cruise DEAR DIARY ... DAY ONE I am all packed and ready to get on the cruise ship. I've packed all my pretty dresses and make-up. I'm really excited. DEAR DIARY .. DAY TWO We spent the entire day at sea. It was beautiful and we saw some whales and dolphins. What a wonderful vacation this has started to be. I met the Captain today and he seems like a very nice man. DEAR DIARY ... DAY THREE I spent some time in the pool today. I also did some shuffle boarding and hit some golf balls off the deck. The Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. I felt honored and we had a wonderful time. He is a very attractive and attentive gentleman. DEAR DIARY ... DAY FOUR Went to the ship's casino ... did OK .. won about $80. The Captain invited me to have dinner with him in his state room. We had a luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night but I declined. I told him there was no way I could be unfaithful to my husband. DEAR DIARY ... DAY FIVE Went back to the pool today and got a little sunburned. I decided to go to the piano bar and spend the rest of the day inside. The Captain saw me and bought me a couple of drinks. He really is a charming gentleman. He again asked me to visit him for the night and again I declined. He told me that if I didn't let him have his way with me he would sink the ship. I was appalled. DEAR DIARY ... DAY SIX I saved 1600 lives today .... twice !!!!
A blonde girl comes back from school one evening. She runs to her mum and says: "Mummy today at school we learnt how to count. Well, all the other girls only counted to 5, but listen to me: 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10! It's good, innit?" "Yes, darling, very good." Answers the mom. "Is that because I'm blonde?" she asks. "Yes, darling, it's because you're blonde." The mom says. Next day, the little girl comes back from school and says: "Mummy, today at school we learnt the alphabet. All the other girls only went as far as D, but listen to me: A,B,C,D,E,F,G,H,I,J,K! It's good, innit?" "Yes, darling, very good." Answers the mom. "Is that because I'm blonde, mummy?" she asks. "Yes, darling it's because you're blonde." The mom says. Next Day, she returns from school and cries: "Mummy, today we went swimming. Well, all the other girls have no breasts, but look at me!" She proceeds to flash her impressive 36D at her mummy. "Is that because I'm blonde, mummy?" "No darling, it's because you're 25." ---------------------------------------------------- A plane is on its way to Detroit when a blonde woman in economy class gets up and moves into an open seat in the first class section. The flight attendant watches her do this, and politely informs the woman that she must sit in economy class because that's the type of ticket she paid for. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Detroit and I'm staying right here." After repeated attempts and no success at convincing the woman to move, the flight attendant goes into the cockpit and informs the pilot and co-piolet that there's a blonde bimbo sitting in first class who refuses to go back to her proper seat. The co-pilot goes back to the woman and explains why she needs to move, but once again the woman replies by saying, "I'm blonde, I'm beatiful, I'm going to Detroit and I'm staying right here." The co-pilot returns to the cockpit and suggests that perhaps they should have the arrival gate call the police and have the woman arrested when they land. The pilot says, "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde." He goes back to the woman and whispers quietly in her ear, and she says, "Oh, I'm sorry," then quickly moves back to her seat in economy class. The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask him what he said to get her to move back to economy without causing any fuss. "I told her first class isn't going to Detroit." ---------------------------------------------------- A blPanting and perspiring, two blondes on a tandem bicycle at last got to the top of a steep hill. "That was a steep climb," said the first blonde. "It certainly was," replied the second. "It's a good thing we kept the brake on so we wouldn't have slid backwards." ------------------------------------------------------------ A blonde and brunette are walking along and the brunette turns to the blonde and said 'my husband had really bad dandruff, so I gave him "Head & Shoulders".' The blonde says 'how do you give shoulders?!
Bob and Hank are out fishing and sipping beer while discussing football and golf. All of a sudden Hank says, "I think I'm gonna divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 6 months." Bob sips his beer and says, "you better think it over - women like that are hard to find.
New Tax Laws The only thing that the IRS has not taxed yet is the male p@nis. This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 30% of the time it is hard up, 20% of the time it is pissed off and 10% of the time it is in the hole. On top of that, it has two dependents and they are both nuts. Effective January 1st, 2002, the p@nis will be taxed according to size. The brackets are as follows: 10 - 12" Luxury Tax $30.00 Which one would be your tax bracket? 8 - 10" Pole Tax $25.00 5 - 8" Privilege Tax $15.00 4 - 5" Nuisance Tax $3.00 Males exceeding 12" must file under capital gains. Anyone under 4 inches is eligible for a refund. PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION!!!
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years before. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their flights. So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel, and unlike years ago, there was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without noticing his error, sent the email. Meanwhile...somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory after suffering a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room and found his mother on the floor. He glanced up and saw the computer screen which read: To: My Loving Wife Date: Tuesday, June 6, 2006 Subject: I have Arrived! Dearest Love: I know you are surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I just arrived and have already checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. I look forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was. PS: Sure is freaking hot down here!!
This equation should be taught in all math classes From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this: What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life? Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions: If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26. Then: H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98% ! and K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96% But, A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100% And, B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T 2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103% AND, look how far ass-kissing will take you. A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G 1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118% So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that: While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.
nice regor , where do you get this stuff and then what happened....................... pity this andmerr guy got banned, he was very funny.Think that was his biggest joke......
Colon Comments Comments from patients made while undergoing colonoscopies... 1. "Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before." 2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?" 3. "Can you hear me NOW?" 4. "Oh boy, that was sphincterrific!" 5. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?" 6. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married." 7. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?" 8. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do the Hokey Pokey..." 9. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!" 10."If your hand doesn't fit, you must acquit!" 11. "Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity." 12. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?" 13. "Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?"
yea, crazy guy... out of the clear blue he'd plop out a simple anecdote "then what happened?" and get everybody all riled up. oh that Andmerr. wildwood weed that's what it was, we never knew what it was called.
ok it's true then... you can fool some people all of the time but you can't fool MOTHER NATURE... or something like that, I'm almost certain hehe
Ten Reasons Golf is Better Than Sex... #10 A below par performance is considered darn good. #9 You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers. #8 It's much easier to find the sweet spot. #7 Foursomes are encouraged. #6 You can still make money doing it as a senior. #5 Three times a day is possible. #4 Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you do it with someone else. #3 If you live in Florida you can do it almost every day. #2 You don't have to cuddle with your partner when you're finished. And the #1 reason why Golf is better than sex... "If your equipment gets old and rusty, you can replace it."
Holy crapola, ireland . . . I don't like anything that fat except wallets and purses Some peeps claim that the bigger the cushion . . well, you know the rest of that one I'm a believer that the closer to the bone, the sweeter the meat
