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GrandpaBW: its friday funnies

Discussion in 'Safety valve' started by andmerr, Oct 8, 2004.

  1. anto1969

    anto1969 Regular member

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    9 WORDS WOMEN USE

    (1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

    (2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

    (3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

    (4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

    (5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

    (6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

    (7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' ... that will bring on a 'whatever').

    (8) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying F*cK YOU!

    (9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

    * Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can
    avoid if they remember the terminology.
    * Send this to all the women you know to give them a good laugh, cause they know it's true.

     
  2. rtm27

    rtm27 Regular member

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    Top 10 Reasons Why Handguns Are Better Than Women

    10.) You can trade an old .44 for two new .22's.

    9.) You can take one handgun on the road and keep another one at home.

    8.) If you admire another man's gun and tell him so, he'll let you try it out a few times.

    7.) Your primary gun doesn't mind if you have a back-up.

    6.) Your handgun will stay with you even if you're out of ammo.

    5.) A handgun doesn't take up alot of closet space.

    4.) Handguns function normally every day of the month.

    3.) A handgun doesn't ask..."Do these new grips make me look fat?"

    2.) A handgun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after using it.

    1.) You can buy a silencer for a handgun!
     
  3. anto1969

    anto1969 Regular member

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    The pencil...

    The value of a Catholic education and a pencil (this is too cute)!....You don't even have to be Catholic to appreciate this one.

    Little Margaret Mary was not the best student in Catholic School . Usually she slept through the class.

    One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. 'Tell me Margaret Mary, who created the universe?'

    When Margaret Mary didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

    'God Almighty!' shouted Margaret Mary.

    The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class.

    A little later the Nun asked Margaret Mary, 'Who is our Lord and Savior?'

    But Margaret Mary didn't stir from her slumber Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Margaret Mary in the butt with the pencil.

    'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Margaret Mary and the Nun once again said,'Very good,' and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.

    The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'

    Again, Johnny came to the rescue.

    This time Margaret Mary jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that f***#@^ thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'

    The nun fainted


     
  4. Evastar

    Evastar Regular member

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    This is one of Brian1956's jokes:


    Your Parrot is Dead

    The telephone rings, 'Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house.'

    'Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?'

    'Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead'

    'My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?'

    'Si, Senor, that's the one.'

    'Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?'

    'From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod.'

    'Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?'

    'Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse.'

    'Dead horse? What dead horse?'

    'The thoroughbred, Senor Rod.'

    'My prize thoroughbred is dead?'

    'Yes Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart.'

    'Are you insane? What water cart?'

    'The one we used to put out the fire, Senor.'

    'Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?'

    'The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire.'

    'What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?'

    'Yes, Senor Rod.'

    'But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?'

    'For the funeral, Senor Rod.'

    'WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?'

    'Your wife's, Senor Rod',

    she showed up very late one night with her boyfriend and I thought she was a thief,

    so I hit her with your new Callaway Super Quad 460 golf club.'

    SILENCE... LONG SILENCE...

    'Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit!'
     
  5. anto1969

    anto1969 Regular member

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    Blonde paint job

    A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

    "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
    The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
    The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

    A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
    "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
     
    Last edited: Sep 23, 2008
  6. engage16

    engage16 Regular member

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    The Vibrator

    As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom
    door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from
    within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter
    with a vibrator.

    Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you
    doing?'

    The daughter replied: 'mom, I'm thirty-five years
    old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as
    I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and
    leave me alone.'

    The next day, the gir l's father heard the same buzz
    coming from the other side of the closed bedroom
    door. Upon entering the room, he observed his
    daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.

    To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter
    said: 'dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this
    thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a
    husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'

    A couple days later, the wife came home from a
    shopping trip,
    placed the groceries on the kitchen
    counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from,
    of all places, the living room. She entered that
    area and observed her husband sitting on the couch,
    downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.

    The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing
    like crazy.

    The wife asked: 'What the f@!* are you doing?'

    The husband replied: 'I'm watching football with my son-in-law.
     
  7. Evastar

    Evastar Regular member

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    A picture paints a thousand words! LOL!

    [​IMG]
     
  8. engage16

    engage16 Regular member

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    I've seen that one... I laughed my a$$ off when i saw it =)


    Ole and Lena

    Lena is pregnant with Ole's child. Late one night, Lena vakes Ole and says, I tink it's time!'
    So Ole fired up the Yohn Deere tractor and took her to the hospital to have their first baby.


    She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Ole and said, 'A son! Ain't dat great!'


    Well, Ole got excited by dis, but yust den the doctor spoke up and said, 'Hold on! We ain't finished vet!' The doctor den held up a little girl. He said, 'Hey, Ole! You got you a daughter!' She's a pretty little ting, too.'


    Ole got kind of puzzled by this, an then the doctor said, 'Holey Moley, Ole we still ain't done vet!' The doctor then delivered another boy and said, Ole, you yust had yourself another boy!'


    Ole was flabbergasted by this news!


    A couple days later, Ole brought Lena and their three children home in the self-propelled combine.


    He was real serious and he asked Lena , 'How come we got tree on the first try?'


    Lena said, 'You remember dat night we ran out of Vaseline and you vent out in the barn and got dat dere 3-in-1 Oil?'


    Ole said, 'Yeah, I do. Uffda! It's a dam good ting I didn't get the WD-40 !!!!!!.
     
  9. engage16

    engage16 Regular member

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    Wrong email address!


    A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address!

    A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.


    Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.


    The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

    To: My Loving Wife
    Subject: I've Arrived
    Date: October 20, 2007

    I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved
    ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.


    Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.



    P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!
     
  10. Evastar

    Evastar Regular member

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    A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her
    girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy
    middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not
    take her eyes off him. The young-at-heart man noticed her overly
    attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As all men will.)

    Before she could offer her apologies for so rudely staring, he leaned
    over and whispered to her,

    "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no
    matter how kinky, for $20.00...... on one condition."

    Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied,


    "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

    The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly
    removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's
    hand
    along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly
    and meaningfully said....
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .

    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    "Clean my house."
     
  11. Icanbe

    Icanbe Guest

    A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

    Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father.

    He asked if they were willing to try it out. Both said they were very much in favor of it.

    The doctor set the pain transfer to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.

    But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.

    The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer.

    The husband was still feeling fine.

    The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.

    At this point they decided to try for 50 percent.

    The husband continued to feel quite well.

    Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

    The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain, and the husband had experienced none. She and her husband were ecstatic.

    When they got home, the mailman was found dead on the porch.
     
  12. cdavfrew

    cdavfrew Regular member

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    Three good men walk through the forest. They meet a fairy, who says to them, "Since you are all good men, I'll let you each have what you want."

    The fairy leads them to a pool of water, and tells them, "Before you jump into this pool, say what you want, and then the pool will be full of it."

    So, the first man runs, shouts "Gold!", and jumps into the pool. Lo and behold, the pool becomes a pool of gold bars, which the first man takes home happily.

    The second man runs, shouts "Diamond!", and jumps into the pool. The pool then becomes a pool of diamonds, which the second man takes home happily.

    The third man is astonished, and being impatient, runs too fast, thus does not notice a banana skin on the side of the pool. He slips on the banana skin, and mutters under his breath, "Shit!", then proceeds to fall into the pool.



     
  13. cdavfrew

    cdavfrew Regular member

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    Most of you probably heard this joke some way or another, but I doubt that it was the full version. Here is the full version: Try to cover the answers as you go along...

    1. How do you put a giraffe in the fridge in three steps?

    Ans: Open the door, put the giraffe in, close the door.

    2. How do you put an elephant in the fridge in four steps?

    Ans: Open the door, take the giraffe out, put the elephant in, close the door.

    3. All the animals had a meeting. Which animal didn't come?

    Ans: The elephant, because it's still in the fridge.

    4. A prince wants to cross a river known to be full of man-eating crocodiles. How does he get across?

    Ans: He swims across. The man-eating crocodiles are at the animal meeting.

    5. You are in a crashing plane, and you want to slow the plane's descent. What do you throw out of the window: a fridge, or a car?

    Ans: The fridge, because it's heavier. Remember, it has the elephant in it.

    6. The prince is running across the desert to save the princess. All of a sudden, he fell dead. Why?

    Ans: Because the fridge fell on him.

    7. The princess is trapped in a tower. However, the tower collapses and she manages to escape. Why does the tower collapse?

    Ans: Because the plane crashed into it.

    8. Now the princess wants to cross the river, and the man-eating crocodiles are back. How does she cross the river?

    Ans: She swims across. These are man-eating crocodiles, not woman-eating crocodiles.

    Best Regards :D
     
  14. Icanbe

    Icanbe Guest

    MARIJUANA FILLED FIREWOOD'
    'Hello, is this the Police Office?'

    'Yes. What can I do for you?'

    'I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Jack Murphy...He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there..'

    'Thank you very much for the call, sir.'

    The next day, twelve Police Officers descend on Jack's house.
    They search the shed where the firewood is kept.

    Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.

    They sneer at Jack and leave.


    Shortly, the phone rings at Jack's house.
    'Hey, Jack! This here's Floyd....Did the Police come?'

    'Yeah!'

    'Did they chop your firewood?'

    'Yep!'

    'Happy Birthday, buddy!'




     
  15. ZoSoIV

    ZoSoIV Regular member

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    Baptist Cowboy:

    A cowboy, who is visiting Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, 'You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time.' The cowboy replies, 'Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself.' The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.



    One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, 'I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.' The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. 'Oh, no, everybody's just fine,' he explains, 'It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking.' 'Hasn't affected my brothers though.'
     
  16. Icanbe

    Icanbe Guest

    A man in California calls his son in Tennessee the day before Christmas and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.

    "Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

    We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."

    Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this,"

    She calls California immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

    The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Christmas and paying their own way."
     
  17. iluvendo

    iluvendo Active member

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    An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.
    She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

    He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, baleing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, So I guess I am a cowboy.'

    She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women.'

    The two sat sipping in silence. She got up and left without saying anything else.

    A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

    He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian.
     
  18. scorpNZ

    scorpNZ Active member

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    The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.


    'Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!' a heavily accented voice said. 'This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare , <ST1:COUNTRY-REGIoN Ireland >.. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you! We voted to reject the Lisbon treaty!'
    'Well, Paddy,' Sarkozy replied, 'This is indeed important news! How big is your army?'
    'Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, 'there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eleven!'
    Sarkozy paused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.'
    'Begoora!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to ring you back.'
    Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!'
    'And what equipment would that be Paddy?' Sarkozy asks.
    'Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor.'
    Sarkozy sighs amused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.'
    'Saints preserve us!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to get back to you.'
    Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!'
    Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!'
    'Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!' says Paddy, 'I will have to ring you back.'
    Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. 'Top o' the mornin', Mr. Sarkozy! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.'
    'Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says Sarkozy. 'Why the sudden change of heart?'
    'Well,' says Paddy, 'we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and packets of crisps, and we decided there is no fookin' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners .'









     
  19. cyprusrom

    cyprusrom Active member

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    An elderly woman, in her late 60's, has a dream. In her dream, God speaks to her and tells her she will live at least another 35 years.
    In the morning, the woman wakes up full of energy, takes the "funeral fund" and checks herself into a plastic surgery clinic.
    She gets full treatment- botox, collagen and silicone implants, liposuction,lifting, dyes her hair blond...everything.

    By the time she checks out of the hospital, she looks like a vibrant Pamela Anderson. As she was crossing the street, getting out of the clinic, gets hit by a bus and dies.
    When she gets her turn for her interview with God at the heaven's gate, she asks him:
    -"God, you are the quintessence of truth! You told me I would live at least 35 more prosperous years, and yet, here I am a week later. Why did you kill me!?!"
    -"Sorry, my bad, I didn't recognize you!"
     
  20. ZoSoIV

    ZoSoIV Regular member

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    For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His

    father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is

    $280,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford

    it." The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door

    with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son , where are you going?" Little Joseph

    told him; "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom

    you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was

    coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000

    mortgage and no bike!
     

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