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GrandpaBW: its friday funnies

Discussion in 'Safety valve' started by andmerr, Oct 8, 2004.

  1. ZoSoIV

    ZoSoIV Regular member

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    My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels.

    She asked, 'What's on TV?'

    I said, 'Dust.'

    And then the fight started ...




    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

    She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.'

    I bought her a scale.

    And then the fight started ...




    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her some place expensive ...



    So, I took her to a gas station ...

    And then the fight started ...


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion and I kept staring

    at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

    My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'



    'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend ... I understand she took to drinking

    right after we split up those many years ago and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'



    'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

    And then the fight started ...




    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road

    and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how

    sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?



    Yeah, well I couldn't believe it ... he was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car,

    looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'



    So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

    And then the fight started ...




    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to

    me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something

    else to take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf.

    Always something more important to me.



    Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

    When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass,

    busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.



    I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.

    I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.

    I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.'

    And then the fight started ...

     
  2. iluvendo

    iluvendo Active member

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    Hell Explained by a Chemistry
    Student



    The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term.

    The answer by one student
    was so "profound" that the professor shared it
    with colleagues, via the
    Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the
    pleasure of enjoying it as
    well :

    Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat)
    or
    endothermic (absorbs heat)?

    Most of the students wrote proofs of their
    beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it
    expands and heats when it is
    compressed) or some variant.

    One student, however, wrote the
    following:

    First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is
    changing in
    time. So we need to know the rate at which souls
    are moving into Hell and the
    rate at which they are leaving. I think that we
    can safely assume that once a
    soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore,
    no souls are leaving. As for
    how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at
    the different religions that
    exist in the world today. Most of these religions
    state that if you are not a
    member of their religion, you will go to Hell.
    Since there is more than one of
    these religions and since people do not belong to
    more than one religion, we
    can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth
    and death rates as they are,
    we can expect the number of souls in Hell to
    increase exponentially. Now, we
    look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell
    because Boyle's Law states
    that in order for the temperature and pressure in
    Hell to stay the same, the
    volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as
    souls are added.

    This
    gives two possibilities:

    1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than
    the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the
    temperature and pressure in Hell
    will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

    2. If Hell is expanding at a
    rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell,
    then the temperature and
    pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

    So which is it?

    If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa
    during my Freshman
    year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I
    sleep with you," and take
    into account the fact that I slept with her last
    night, then number two must
    be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is
    exothermic and has already frozen
    over. The corollary of this theory is that since
    Hell has frozen over, it
    follows that it is not accepting any more souls
    and is therefore,
    extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving
    the existence of a divine
    being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept
    shouting "Oh my
    God."

    THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A".
     
  3. engage16

    engage16 Regular member

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    Gynecologist's Assistant

    > > >>>

    > A young man goes into the Job
    Center in Downtown
    Los Angeles, and sees

    > a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant.

    > > >>>

    > Interested, he goes to learn more; 'Can you give me some more

    > details?' he asks the clerk.

    > > >>>

    > The clerk pulls up the file and says, 'The job entails getting the

    > ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help them out of
    their

    > underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions,

    > then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in

    > soothing oils so that they're ready for the gynecologist's

    > examination.

    > > >>>

    > There's an annual salary of $65,000, but you're going to have to go
    to

    > Albuquerque New Mexico . That's about 620

    > > miles from here.'

    > > >>>

    > 'Good grief, is that where the job is?'

    > > >>>

    > 'No sir --- that's where the end of the line is right now…….
     
  4. Icanbe

    Icanbe Guest



    Bill worked in a pickle factory..
    He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day
    to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion..
    He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
    His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

    One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.

    'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.

    'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my p@#$s into the pickle slicer?'

    'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed.

    'Yes, I did..' he replied.

    'My God, Bill, what happened?'

    'I got fired.'

    'No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'

    'Oh...she got fired too.'

     
  5. Icanbe

    Icanbe Guest

    A Christmas Story for people having a bad day:

    When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

    Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

    When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

    Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

    Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

    Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
    The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'


    And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree . . . .
     
  6. Icanbe

    Icanbe Guest

    > SMART A_S ANSWER #5 --
    >
    > It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline.
    > 'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked
    > John, seated in front.
    > 'What are my choices?' John asked.
    > 'Yes or no,' she replied.
    >
    > SMART A_S ANSWER #4 --
    >
    > A flight attendant was stationed at the Departure
    > gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended
    > her hand for the
    > ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
    > Without missing a
    > beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not
    > your stub.'
    >
    > SMART A_S ANSWER #3 --
    >
    > A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the
    > grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for
    > her family. She
    > asked a stock boy, 'Do these turkeys get any
    > bigger?' The stock boy
    > replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.'
    >
    > SMART A_S ANSWER #2 --
    >
    > The cop got out of his car and the kid who was
    > stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 'I've
    > been waiting for you all
    > day,' the cop said. The kid replied, 'Yeah, well I
    > got here as fast as I
    > could.' When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent
    > the kid on his way
    > without a ticket.
    >
    > SMART A_S ANSWER #1 --
    >
    > A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A
    > sign comes up that reads, ' Low Bridge overhead.'
    > Before he knows it, the
    > bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the
    > bridge. Cars are
    > backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The
    > cop gets out of
    > his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on
    > his hips and says,
    > 'Got stuck, huh?' The truck driver says, 'No, I
    > was delivering this bridge
    > and ran out of gas.'
    >
    > Two bonus extras:
    >
    > A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her
    > Christmas cards. She says to the clerk, 'May I have 50
    > Christmas stamps?'
    > The clerk says, 'What denomination?'
    > The blonde says, 'God help us. Has it come to this?
    > Give me 6 Catholic, 12
    > Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists.'
    >
    > A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She
    > is not happy
    > with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel
    > horrible; I look old,
    > fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a
    > compliment.' The husband
    > replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect..'
     
  7. ps3lvanub

    ps3lvanub Regular member

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    A 7 year old's mother was dying of cancer. On her deathbed, the mother said to the child, "When I die, you can have anything you want." 7 days later she dies. A week later, the 7 year old says to her father, whom she is living alone with, "Can I take a shower with you?" The father replies back, surprised, "No!" The little girl counters this by saying, "Mum said I can have anything I want when she dies." He gives in. In the shower, the little girl is staring at her father's penis, puzzled, and asks "Daddy, whats that?" He replies "Thats just my Barbie doll, dear, don't worry about that."

    Later on they are watching T.V. together and the little girl asks, "Can I come in bed with you tonight, daddy?" "No!" he replies again. She once again explains that her mum said she can have anything she wants when she died and again he feels forced to give in. So they go to sleep together in her father's bed. Suddenly, Dad wakes with a shattering pain in his penis, and looks down to find that the helmet of his penis is gone, looks up at his daughter and screams, "WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED!!!???" Quite calmly she explains, "Well I was playing with your Barbie doll but then it was very rude and spat at me so I bit it's head off."
     
    Last edited: Dec 15, 2008
  8. geestar20

    geestar20 Active member

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    > Subject: Welfare recipient
    >
    >
    > A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched
    > straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare.
    > I'd really rather have a job."
    >
    >
    > The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just
    > got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and
    > bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his
    > Mercedes, and he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals
    > will be provided. You'll be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas
    > holiday trips and you will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided
    > a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The salary is $200,000 a year."
    >
    >
    > The guy, wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"
    >
    >
    > The social worker said, "Yeah, well . . . You started it."
     
  9. cyprusrom

    cyprusrom Active member

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    Blonde time:

    Q: Why did the blonde get fired from the M&M factory?
    A: For throwing out the W's.

    Q: What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning?
    A: Introduce herself.

    Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?
    A: Because on the box it said: From 2-4 years.

    Q: Did you hear about the blonde who tried to blow up her husband's car?
    A: She burned her lips on the exhaust pipe.

    Q: Why don’t blondes read Shakespeare?
    A: They don’t know who wrote it.

    Q: What is the definition of gross ignorance?
    A: 144 blondes.

    Q: What's the difference between a blonde having her period and a terrorist?
    A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.

    Q: What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet?
    A: Last year's hide and seek champion.

    Q: What did the blonde's right leg say to the left leg?
    A: Nothing. They've never met.

    Q: What do you say to a blonde that won't give in?
    A: "Have another beer."


    There were three women, a brunette, a red head, and a blonde. They all worked together at an office. Every day they noticed that their boss left work a little early. So one day they met together and decided that today when the boss left, they would all leave early too. The boss left and so did they. The brunette went home and straight to bed so could get an early start the next morning. The red head went home to get in a quick workout before her dinner date. The blonde went home and walked into the bedroom. She opened the door slowly and saw her husband in bed with her boss, so she shut the door and left. The next day, the brunette and the red head are talking about going home early again. They ask the blonde if she wants to leave early again. "No," she says, "yesterday I nearly got caught."
     
  10. Evastar

    Evastar Regular member

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    Three mischievous Grandmas were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home


    when a Grandpa walked by.

    And one of the Grandmas yelled out saying, 'We bet we can tell exactly how old you are.'

    The old man said, 'There is no way you can guess it, you old fools.'

    One of the Grandmas said, 'Sure we can. Just drop your pants and under shorts and we can tell your exact age.'

    Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they
    couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers.

    The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of
    times and to jump up and down several times.

    Then they all piped up and said, 'You're 87 years old!'

    Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old
    gent asked, 'How in the world did you guess?'

    Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, the three old
    ladies happily yelled in unison - -



    " We were at your birthday party yesterday " ...
     
  11. Icanbe

    Icanbe Guest

    Good News, Bad News (only in Canada)

    The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, a Canadian man answered his door to find two grim-faced Mounties. "We're sorry sir, but we have some information about your wife," said one Mountie. "Tell me! Did you find her?" the anguished husband sobbed.

    The Mounties looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

    Fearing the worst, the ashen husband said, "Give me the bad news first."

    The Mountie said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the bay."

    "Oh my God!" exclaimed the husband. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"

    The Mountie continued, "When we pulled her up, she had twelve 25-pound snow crabs and six good-size lobsters clinging to her."

    Stunned, the husband demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"

    The Mountie said, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow!"
     
  12. Icanbe

    Icanbe Guest

    Park

    I pulled into a crowded parking lot and rolled down the car windows to make sure my golden retriever had fresh air.

    She was stretched out on the back seat, and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there.

    I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay..... Do you hear me?... Stay!.. Stay!"

    The driver of a nearby car, perhaps noting that I am a blonde, gave me a strange look and said:

    "Why don't you just put it in park?"
     
  13. ps3lvanub

    ps3lvanub Regular member

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    A quickie before I forget:

    Q-What did Jade Goody look like in her wedding dress?


    A-A shuttle cock.
     
  14. crowy

    crowy Guest



    Beer contains female hormones
    Last month, Wits University and RAU scientists released the results of a
    recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.
    Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.
    The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women .
    To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period.


    It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects :
    1) Argued over nothing.
    2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
    3) Gained weight.
    4) Talked excessively without making sense.
    5) Became overly emotional
    6) Couldn't drive.
    7) Failed to think rationally.
    8) Had to sit down while urinating.
    No further testing was considered necessary.


     
  15. omegaman7

    omegaman7 Senior member

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    One day a man went on a buissness trip to Florida.

    He had saw this hooker and he asked "How much for a hand job?"

    The hooker replied "100 Bucks"

    The man said "100 Bucks, That's a lot of money"

    So the hooker pulled him to the side and said "See that Mercedes, I paid for that by giving hand jobs."

    So he gave her the money and received the best hand he had ever had.

    The next day he sees her and asks "How much for a head job?"

    She said "200 dollars"

    "200 dollars that's a lot of money"

    She pulled him to the side and said "You see that yahat by the pier, I paid for that yahat by giving head jobs."

    So he gives her the money, and got the best head job of his life

    On hist last day in Florida he returns to the hooker and says "The hand job was good, the head job was great how much for the whole package."

    "1000 dollars'

    "1000 dollars that's a lot of money"

    So she pulled him to side and said "You see that island, I could afford that if i had a pu**y.(Female Genitalia)"
     
    Last edited: Mar 22, 2009
  16. crowy

    crowy Guest

    Donald Duck on a dirty weekend calls reception
    and asks for condoms.Receptionist: "shall i put
    them on your bill? ". Don,t be thucking thtupid i,d
    thuffocate"
     
  17. omegaman7

    omegaman7 Senior member

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  18. aldan

    aldan Active member

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    so,in sweden they conducted a study to determine the purpose of the knob on the end of a mans penis.they concluded after much study and 20k dollars that it was there to give the woman more pleasure.not to be outdone the americans also did a study.after much study and 40k dollars it was determined that it was to give the man more pleasure.well the newfies also did a study.after much study and 75 dollars in laundry bills the determined that the purpose of the knob on the end of a mans penis was to keep his hand from flyin' off and hitten him on ta head.
     
  19. omegaman7

    omegaman7 Senior member

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    Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end and put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

    Lady 1: What's that?
    Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
    Lady 1: Where did you get it?
    Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.

    The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

    The pharmacist asks her very delicately what brand she prefers.

    Lady 1: Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.

    The pharmacist fainted.
     
  20. omegaman7

    omegaman7 Senior member

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    Redneck Hunters

    Two Redneck hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north for elk hunting. They were quite successful in their venture, and bagged six big bulls. The pilot came back as arranged to pick them up.

    They started loading their gear into the plane, including the six elk. But the pilot objected he said, "The plane can take out only four of your elk. You will have to leave two behind."

    One of the hunters pushed forward, "Hey, last year our pilot let us take out six elk. It was the same model plane, same weather conditions, and everything. What's with this? We want you to allow us to fly out just like last year.

    Reluctantly the pilot finally permitted them to put all six elk aboard and the men all climbed in with their gear. But when they attempted to take off and fly out of the valley, the little plane could not make it. They crashed in the wilderness.

    Climbing out of the wreckage, one Redneck said to the other, "Do you know where we are?"

    "I think so," replied the other Redneck. "Yep! I think this is about 100 yards further along than where we crashed last year!"
     

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