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GrandpaBW: its friday funnies

Discussion in 'Safety valve' started by andmerr, Oct 8, 2004.

  1. omegaman7

    omegaman7 Senior member

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  2. YOTA

    YOTA Member

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    damn that was funny!!!
     
  3. omegaman7

    omegaman7 Senior member

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    Yah, that guys nothing short of genius! I believe he may be using Sony Vegas. VERY awesome program. Though im sure he has an arsenal of programs at his disposal :D

    I realize its not friday, but I thought this was funny.

    Biology Lessons

    The 10th grade teacher asks Jessica: "What part of the human body increases to 10 times it's normal size when excited?"

    Jessica responds: "That's disgusting! I don't have to answer that question!"

    So the teacher asks little Johnny, who responds: "That's easy...the pupil of the eye." "That's correct, Johnny. Very good!"

    And turning to Jessica, she says: "I've three things to say to you, young lady... first, you didn't do your homework; second, you have a dirty mind; and third, you're in for a big disappointment!"
     
  4. varnull

    varnull Guest

    An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I`ll turn into a beautiful muffin".

    He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

    The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful muffin, I will stay with you for one week."

    The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

    The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a muffin, I`ll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."

    Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

    Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I`ve told you I`m a beautiful muffin, that I`ll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won`t you kiss me?"

    The engineer said, "Look I`m an engineer. I don`t have time to eat a muffin, but a talking frog, now that`s cool."
     
  5. omegaman7

    omegaman7 Senior member

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    LOL! Thanks for that :)
     
  6. varnull

    varnull Guest

    After their boat sinks, two aussies are left floating around in their lifeboat in the middle of the ocean. All of a sudden one of them spots a funny looking bottle bobbing in the water and pulls it out. He sees something written on the bottle but can't quite read it so he gives it a bit of a rub.
    SHAZAM.....out pops a genie!
    "For releasing me from the bottle I will grant you one wish."
    The guy glances at his mate, smiles and without further hesitation says, "I wish the whole ocean was beer!"
    The genie claps his hands together and BOOM, there's a blinding light and the genie is gone. The guy quickly leans over the side of the boat and takes a big swig of "water".
    "You're not gonna believe this mate, but it's really beer!"
    His mate screws up his face and says "That's just bloody brilliant mate! Now we’re going to have to piss in the boat"
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 20, 2009
  7. omegaman7

    omegaman7 Senior member

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    Redneck pick up lines

    1) Did you fart? Cuz you just blew me away
    2) Are yer parents retarded? Cuz ya sure are special
    3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea, I can't hold it in
    4) Do you have a library card? Cuz I'd like to check you out
    5) Is there a mirror in yer pants? Cuz I can see myself in em
    6) If you was a tree and I were a Squirrel, I'd store my nuts in yer hole
    7) You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty's only a light switch away
    8) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bedrock
    9) I can't find my puppy can you help me find him? I Think he went into this cheap motel room
    10) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner
    11) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin', we kin sleep Til afternoon And the best for last
    12)Your face reminds me of a wrench, lookin at you makes my nuts tighten up.
     
  8. scorpNZ

    scorpNZ Active member

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    A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train set in the living room.

    She heard the train stop and her son saying, 'All of You b*****ds who want off, get off now, 'cos we're in a hurry! And all of you b*****ds who are getting on, get on now, 'cos we're going down the tracks'.

    The horrified mother went in and told her son, 'We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS.
    When you come out,you may play with your train,but I want you to use nice language.'

    Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say,'All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you.
    We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a
    pleasant one..'

    She hears the little boy continue,

    'For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand Luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train.
    We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.'

    As the mother began to smile, the child added............

    'For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat controller in the kitchen.
     
  9. scorpNZ

    scorpNZ Active member

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    ONE
    Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets.
    I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
    'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the teenager at the counter.
    'You don't?' I replied.
    'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply.
    'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?'
    'That's right.'
    So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets
    (Unbelievable but sadly true...)

    TWO
    I was checking out at the local Woolworths with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt

    close to mine. I picked up one of those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things

    so they wouldn't get mixed.After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the 'divider', looking it all over for

    the bar code so she could scan it.
    Not finding the bar code, she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?'
    I said to her 'I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today.'
    She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left.
    She had no clue to what had just happened.

    THREE
    A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly.
    When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking

    for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM 'thingy.'
    (keep shuddering!!)

    FOUR
    I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. 'Do you need some help?' I asked.
    She replied, 'I knew I! should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car.

    Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?'
    'Hmmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked.
    'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually

    unlocked the door, I replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk....'
    PLEASE just lay down before you hurt yourself !!!

    FIVE
    Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary

    and said, 'I'm almost out of typin g paper. What do I do?' 'Just use paper from the photocopier', the secretary told her.

    With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and

    proceeded to make five 'blank' copies.
    Brunette, by the way!!

    SIX
    A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room,

    the kid had eaten ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine,

    the mother says, 'I just gave him some ant killer......'
    Dispatcher: 'Rush him in to emergency!'


    Life is tough. It's even tougher if you're stupid!!!!

     
  10. cyprusrom

    cyprusrom Active member

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    Husband: Do you know the meaning of WIFE?

    It means, Without Information, Fighting Every-time!

    Wife: No darling, it means, With Idiot For Ever


    ************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *********

    Wife: I wish I was a newspaper,

    So I'd be in your hands all day.

    Husband: I too wish that you were a newspaper,

    So I could have a new one everyday.


    ************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *********

    Doctor: Your husband needs rest and peace. Here are some sleeping pills..

    Wife: When must I give them to him?

    Doctor: They are for you


    ************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *********

    Wife: I had to marry you to find out how stupid you are.

    Husband: You should have known it the minute

    I asked you to marry me.


    ************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *********

    Husband: Today is Sunday & I have to enjoy it.

    So I bought 3 movie tickets.

    Wife: Why Three?

    Husband: For you and your parents


    ************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *********

    Wife: What will you give me if I climb the great Mount Everest ?

    Husband: A lovely Push...!!!


    ************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *********

    Q: What is the most effective way to remember your wife's birthday?

    A: Just forget it once and you will never forget it again


    ************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *********

    After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband,

    You know, I was a fool when I married you.

    The husband replied, "Yes dear, but I was in love, and I didn't notice
     
  11. cyprusrom

    cyprusrom Active member

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    A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store.



    As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, "Son, can you tell me where the Post Office is?"

    The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a coupla blocks and turn to your right."

    The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town. I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday.

    I'll show you how to get to Heaven."

    The little boy replied with a chuckle. "Awww, come on... You don't even know the way to the Post Office."
     
  12. garmoon

    garmoon Regular member

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    Boudreaux enters Thibodeaux's barbershop for a shave.

    While Thibodeaux is foaming him up, Boudreaux mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

    Thibodeaux said, "Mais, I'm got just the ting", taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place dis between your cheek and gum."

    Boudreaux places the ball in his mouth, and Thibodeaux proceeds with the closest shave Boudreaux has ever experienced.

    After a few strokes, Boudreaux asks, "Thib, what if I swallow this ball?"

    "No problem," says Thibodeaux.
    "Jus do like everyone else..............bring it back tomorrow!"
     
  13. GrandpaBW

    GrandpaBW Active member

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    MY LAST TRIP TO COSTCO


    Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog
    chow for my loyal pet, Charlie, the Wonder Dog, and was in the check- out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

    What did she think, I had an elephant? So since I'm retired and
    have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog,
    I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably
    shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd
    lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes
    coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

    I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way
    that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and
    simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is
    nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it
    again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was
    now enthralled with my story.)

    Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the
    dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a
    poodle's a-ss and a car hit me.

    I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he
    was laughing so hard.

    Costco won't let me shop there anymore.

    Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in
    the world to think of crazy things to say.
     
  14. ddp

    ddp Moderator Staff Member

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    bloody hell that was good.
     
  15. omegaman7

    omegaman7 Senior member

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    LOL! I've heard that one before. How about this one?

    -Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber..

    He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Bob....'

    Bob was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'

    St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'

    Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.... The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.

    A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'

    'Not bad,' replied Bob the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'

    'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster.
    'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before? '

    'Never,' said Bob.

    'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'

    Bob did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!

    Bob was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.

    As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell.....

    "BOB, wake up. You $h!t the bed!"
     
  16. omegaman7

    omegaman7 Senior member

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    NOT for the faint of heart, or children!
    A woman is having sex with her lover in an apartment 20 stories high......Suddenly her husband returns from a long trip, and she hears him approaching in the apartment. So she tells the lover: "Do not move at all....I will resolve this situation!" In comes the husband: "who is this?" asked the husband
    Wife: "Oh sweetie...this is just a robot i bought to have sex with when u not around, so that I d...on't have to cheat with your friends or with the neighbours....I did it because you spend all the time traveling and u know that I...uh hm...have needs!!!" Husband: "Oh honey I understand perfectly well.....I believe you....ok let's do a quickie now, I came home as fast as I can and I'm extremely horny now!!"
    Wife:"OH NO DARLING....yesterday I got my period....u better take a bath, I'll prepare u something to eat..."
    The lover is left with the husband in the room alone, while the wife walked out......
    Husband " DAmn I'm so F@#$ing horny....I am going to f@#$ this robot instead" He tries entering the robot from behind.....With a metallic and robotic voice the lover proclaims: "SYSTEM ERROR! WRONG HOLE!!........SYSTEM ERROR! WRONG HOLE!" The husband says: "forget this crappy robot....I'm going to throw it out of the god-damn window!!!!"
    The lover realizes that he is 20 stories high in the apartment and exclaims:
    "SOFTWARE UPDATE!!!!! SOFTWARE UPDATE!!!!! YOU MAY TRY D HOLE AGAIN......I REPEAT....TRY AGAIN!!!!!
     
  17. GrandpaBW

    GrandpaBW Active member

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    LOLLOL!
     
  18. ps355528

    ps355528 Active member

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    oh yes.. some real crackers.. I love the dog food :)
     
    Last edited: Nov 6, 2011
  19. GrandpaBW

    GrandpaBW Active member

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    CHURCH FART


    This says it all about getting older & the whole aging thing.

    Paddy and Mary were recently attending church services.

    About halfway through, Mary took a pen and paper out of her purse, and wrote a
    note and handed it to Paddy.

    The note said: "I just let out a silent fart, what do you think I should do?"

    He scribbled back, " Put a new battery in your hearing aid."
     
  20. GrandpaBW

    GrandpaBW Active member

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    WALKING IS GOOD FOR YOU!

    The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.

    The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."

    "Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together, it wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."

    The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information. After a
    few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.

    "Yes?" said the instructor.

    "I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?
     

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