OK which one of you guys decided to hijack my thread by these off topic comments.This thread was meant to be lite hearted and give us some enjoyment after a long and boring week.Even through the strawberry smile was amusing you guys seem to be getting off track. [bold]I'M FLABBERGASTED[/bold] That aside: A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following; "Emma come first. Denna I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a more." "You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!" "Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Imma justa tellun my friend howa to spella Mississippi." [bold]and what about this one[/bold] Two old men sat on a bench outside a nursing home having a chat. "How are you, Richard?" asked George. "I'm not feeling too good today, I'm utterly exhausted," replied Richard. "I've pulled a muscle and it's killing me." "I'm surprised that a pulled muscle makes you feel so tired," said George. Richard yawned and said: "Well it does if you pull it a hundred times in one night"! [bold]and finally[/bold] What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman? Sexual harassment. What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man? $4.99 a minute.
rick5446 Can you not feel one leg getting a little longer than the other ???? ie ; I am pulling your leg........or ; I am not the sharpest knife in the knife drawer or the brightest [ bulb] person , a shot at my intellectually challenged President. Who has a Norm Crosby way with words. Who would a thunk I would have to explain a joke in a joke thread... Are you joking ??? Hmmmmmmmm..... Norm Crosby used malaprops.... No a malaPROP is not found on a pre-jet airplane, and NO I am not taking a SHOT at the Prez [ Thats for the Secret Service boys ] that is a figurative shot not a literal shot....I thought this was a JOKE thread.... [bold]WORD HISTORY:[/bold] “She's as headstrong as an allegory on the banks of the Nile” and “He is the very pineapple of politeness” are two of the absurd pronouncements from Mrs. Malaprop that explain why her name became synonymous with ludicrous misuse of language. A character in Richard Brinsley Sheridan's play The Rivals (1775), Mrs. Malaprop consistently uses language malapropos, that is, inappropriately. The word malapropos comes from the French phrase mal à propos, made up of mal, “badly,” à, “to,” and propos, “purpose, subject,” and means “inappropriate.” The Rivals was a popular play, and Mrs. Malaprop became enshrined in a common noun, first in the form malaprop and later in malapropism, which is first recorded in 1849. Perhaps that is what Mrs. Malaprop feared when she said, “If I reprehend any thing in this world, it is the use of my oracular tongue, and a nice derangement of epitaphs!”
This is nonsense. Sorry, but name a thread, even in a techy forum, that didn't waver from topic. I personnaly find this irritating. Who bloody cares if someone doesn't understand a joke, or like a joke, or that it ran into an off colored subject matter? Pretty soon forum rules will include: if tech forum, do not joke if unix forum do not windows if windows forum do not linux if handheld forum do not cell phone [added commentary] edited so I could update my signature geeeeez people!
for christ sake regor , lighten up you are just to serious.Me being flabbergasted was a sarcastic remark , another form of humor which obviously you didnt appreciate otherwise you wouldnt of posted
A teacher asks her class, "If there are five birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny. "None, they all fly away with the first gunshot." The teacher replies, "The correct answer is four, but I like your thinking." Then little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?" The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone." "The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on... but I like your thinking." -------------------- Sure glad we're back on jokes
hmmm...i woulda thought the married one to be the one that bit off the top of the cone...oh well, still funny!
@ andmerr.... just now got to your post.... no worries I must have been on the crimson tide. hahahahahahahaha get it??? crimson tide?
crimsom tide very good> heres something to giggle at more smutty jokes: A young couple was out carousing one evening. While driving down the highway the guy asked the girl, "If I go 100 miles an hour, will you take off your clothes?" She agreed to and he began to speed up. When the speedometer hit 100, she started to strip. When she got all her clothes off, he was so busy staring at her that he drove off the road and flipped the car. The girl was thrown clear without a scratch, but her clothes and her boyfriend were still trapped in the car. "Go get help," he pleaded. She replied, "I can't, I'm naked." He pointed to his shoe that was thrown clear and said, "Cover your crotch with that shoe and go get help." She grabbed the shoe, covered herself, and ran to the gas station down the road. When she arrived, she was frantic and yelled to the attendant, "HELP! HELP! My boyfriend's stuck!" The attendant looked down at the shoe covering her crotch and replied, "I'm sorry, Miss. He's too far in for me to help." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Late one night a woman was walking home when a man grabbed her and dragged her into the bushes. "Help me! Help me!" she screamed. "I'm being robbed!" "You ain't being robbed!" her attacker interrupted. "You're being screwed!" The woman looked down at her attacker as he unzipped his jeans. "If you're screwing me with that," she fumed, "I am being robbed!"
Larry and Scott wanted to go out drinking, but they only had $2.00 between them. Larry said, "Hang on, I have an idea." He went next door to the butcher's shop and spent the $2.00 on one large sausage. Scott said, Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all. "Larry replied, Don't worry - just follow me." They went into the pub where Larry immediately ordered two double shots of Jack Daniels. Scott said, "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money to pay for this!" Larry replied, with a smile, "Don't worry, I have a plan. Cheers!" They downed their drinks. Larry said "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you get on your knees and put it in your mouth." Said and done, the barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out. They continued this, bar after bar, getting more and more drunk, all for free. At the tenth bar, Scott said, "Larry - I don't think I can do this anymore. My mouth is sore and my knees are killing me!" Larry said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage at the third bar!"
Two women just arrived to the pearly gates, and are comparing stories on how they had died. First woman - "I froze to death." Second woman - "You froze to death - how horrible!" First woman - "Well, it wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?" Second woman - "I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den, watching TV." First woman - "So what happened?" Second woman - "I was so sure there was another woman there some where,that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched and down to the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under every bed. I kept this up until I had looked Every where, and finally became so exhausted that I just kneeled over with a heart attack and died." First woman - "Too bad you didn't look in the freezer - we'd both still be alive."
A husband's best friend A woman is in bed with her lover who happens to be her husband's best friend. They make love for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings. Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation ... She is speaking in a cheery voice "Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye." She hangs up the telephone, and her lover asks, "Who was that? Oh, she replies, that was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having with you on his fishing trip."
This is a true story from the WordPerfect helpline. Needless to say the helpdesk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for "Termination without Cause". Actual dialogue of a former Wordperfect Customer Support employee: "Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?" "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect." "What sort of trouble?" "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away" "Went away?" "They disappeared." "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?" "Nothing." "Nothing?" "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type." "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?" "How do I tell?" "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?" "What's a sea-prompt?" "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?" "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type." "Does your monitor have a power indicator?" "What's a monitor?" "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?" "I don't know." "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?" "Yes, I think so." "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall." ".......Yes, it is." "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?" "No." "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable." "....... Okay, here it is." "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer." "I can't reach." "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?" "No." "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?" "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark." "Dark?" "Yes -the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window." "Well, turn on the office light then." "I can't." "No? Why not?" "Because there's a power outage." "A power... A power outage? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?" "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet." "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from." "Really? Is it that bad?" "Yes, I'm afraid it is." "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?" "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."
wow...almost the exact same thing happened to me! Except the situation was nothing like that...on second thought, no, nothing like that ever happened to me. on a lesser note, i would have shot myself. still funny!
