Ireland's And All Members Jokes And Picture Thread For All Days Of The Week

A preacher dies, and when he gets to Heaven, he sees a New York cab driver who has more crowns. He says to an angel, "I don't get it. I devoted my whole life to my congregation."

The angel says, "We reward results. Did your congregation always pay attention when you gave a sermon?"

The preacher says, "Once in a while someone fell asleep."

The angel says, "Right. And when people rode in this guy's taxi, they not only stayed awake, but they usually prayed!"

 

General Motors doesn't have a help line for people who don't know how to drive. Imagine if they did...

HelpLine: General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?
Customer: I got in my car and closed the door and nothing happened!
HelpLine: Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?
Customer: What's an ignition?
HelpLine: It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine.
Customer: Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all these technical terms just to use my car?

HelpLine: General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?
Customer: My car ran fine for a week and now it won't go anywhere!
HelpLine: Is the gas tank empty?
Customer: Huh? How do I know?
HelpLine: There's a little gauge on the front panel with a needle and markings from 'E' to 'F'. Where is the needle pointing?
Customer: It's pointing to 'E'. What does that mean?
HelpLine: It means you have to visit a gasoline vendor and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself or pay the vendor to install it for you.
Customer: What? I paid $12,000 for this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in!

HelpLine: General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?
Customer: Your cars suck!
HelpLine: What's wrong?
Customer: It crashed, that's what wrong!
HelpLine: What were you doing?
Customer: I wanted to run faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while and then it crashed and it won't start now!
HelpLine: It's your responsibility if you misuse the product. What do you expect us to do about it?
Customer: I want you to send me one of the latest version that doesn't crash any more!

HelpLine: General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?
Customer: Hi, I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes, and power door locks.
HelpLine: Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?
Customer: How do I work it?
HelpLine: Do you know how to drive?
Customer: Do I know how to what?
HelpLine: Do you know how to drive?
Customer: I'm not a technical person. I just want to go places in my car!

 

Computers are Like Men...

*
In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
*
They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.
*
They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
*
As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer you could have had a better model.
*
They hear what you say, but not what you mean.

Computers are Like Women...

*
No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
*
The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
*
Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
*
As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
*
You do the same thing for years, and suddenly it's wrong.

The 8 Types of Supporters

 

Computer Problem Questionnaire

1. Describe your problem.
2. Now, describe the problem accurately.
3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem.
4. Is your computer plugged in?
5. Is it turned on?
6. Have you tried to fix it yourself?
7. Have you made it worse?
8. Have you read the manual?
9. Are you sure you've read the manual?
10. Are you absolutely certain you've read the manual?
11. Do you think you understood it?
12. If 'Yes' then why can't you fix the problem yourself?
13. What were you doing with your computer at the time the problem occurred?
14. If 'nothing' then explain why you were logged in.
15. Are you sure you aren't imagining the problem?
16. Do you have any independent witnesses of the problem?
17. Can't you do something else, instead of bothering me?


Top Explanations by Programmers

Strange...
I've never heard about that.
It did work yesterday.
How is this possible?
The machine seems to have a malfunction.
Has the operating system been updated?
The user has made an error again.
There is something wrong in your data.
I have not touched that module!
You must have the wrong executable.
Oh, it's just a feature.
Of course, I just have to do these small fixes.
It will be done in no time at all.
It's just some unlucky coincidense.
I can't test everything!
THIS can't do THAT.
Didn't I fix it already?
It's already there, but it has not been tested.
Somebody must have changed my code.
There must be a virus in the application software.
This time it will surely run.
I just found the last bug.
Bug? That's not a bug, that's a feature.
According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist.

 

This burger is selling for £85 in some London restaurant ... and I thought New Yorkers were looney

The ingredients are Wagyu beef, fresh lobe foie gras, black truffle mayonnaise, brie de meaux, rocket, red pepper and mustard confit, and English plum tomatoes, all packed into 24-hour fermented sour dough bread



{edited to add ingredients}

 

diet rules


Here are some new diet rules you can actually live by!
Start losing all the weight you ever dreamed of losing!

* Cookie pieces contain no fat - the process of breaking causes fat leakage. Exception: Cookies sold by Texas D" Lites distributors. Great "Meal Replacement" with little or no fat content, low in calories, lots of fiber, protein, and other nutritional ingredients.
* Foods that are frozen have no calories because calories are units of heat. Examples are Ice Cream, Frozen pies and popsicles.
* Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories, e.g. spinach and pistachio ice cream; mush- rooms and white chocolate. Note: Chocolate is a universal color and maybe substituted for any other food color without increasing caloric content.
* If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda.
* If you fatten everyone else around you, then you look thinner.... So encourage others to eat more... and more often...
* In food used for medicinal purposes the calories NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast, and Sara Lee Cheesecake.
* Movie related foods (Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots, Tootsie Rolls, etc.) do not have additional calories because they are not part of one's personal fuel... merely entertainment.
* Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. Examples are peanut butter on a knife when making a sandwich, ice cream on a spoon when making a sundae.
* When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you don't eat more than they do. (see above, encouraging others)

 

The Guys' Rules
We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days..

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one .

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes! , I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

 

Here below are the official rules of stealing other people's lighters. Although stealing lighters is despicable and morally wrong, it is always going to happen whether it be an accident or you're going all out to steal it.So I have written the OFFICIAL rules of stealing lighters so we all have a code of conduct to follow and you can then officially punch someone in the mouth if they steal your lighter without following these guidelines.


The Background

Stealing lighters has been a hobby of mine, and many other peoples around the world, for a long time. There's no better feeling than seeing a friend going mad shouting 'Who the fusk has nicked my lighter?!'. But then there's the flipside. You will be walking home after a good smoke at a friend's house and you decide you want a cigarette.Then search all your pockets and realise, this time, you're the victim. Sometimes you can boast about the quality of lighter you stole last night or sometimes your screaming because a lighter that cost 2.00 in Spar has gone 'walkies'. The 'game' of lighter stealing is good when you're winning, but can still provoke murder when you're losing.



Common types of Lighter

1. 'The Disposable'
The most common and most accidently stolen lighter. These lighters dont cost much to buy and dont give much stealing satisfaction but many times you will find you accidently put this in your pocket rather than the victims.


2. 'The Clipper'
The Clipper is good steal for any good lighter thief, especially when they are brand new and still have the white barcode sticker on the back.


3. 'The Clipper Elite'
The Clipper Elite is the rarest of standard Clippers so it will be a big target. Theres absolutley no difference between the Clipper and the Clipper Elite except for the word 'Elite'. Obviously this makes a world of difference.


4. 'The Novelty Disposal'
The Novelty Disposable lighter is a bonus theft. They are very rare, so when they appear, everyone is out to steal it.


5. 'The Novelty Clipper'
Stealing this lighter can give you a lighter thief reputation. If your found out, the person you stole it from will probably never forgive you. This is the lighter stealing equivilent of the Clipper Elite x 10.


6. 'The Jet Lighter'
These lighters come in all kinds of shapes and sizes, cost about 3.00 and run out of gas at an extraordinary rate. This makes them all the more rare and all the more appealing. The victim will be very pissed off if this leaves his possesion.


7. 'The Zippo'
Under no circumstances should a Zippo lighter be stolen, it is strictly forbidden in the lighter thief circle. These lighters can cost 20 or over so stealing this is like stealing an eigth. If you steal these, I hope somebody beats you to death with one. Bastard.




The Rules

1. 'The 24 Hour Rule'
The most important of all rules and must be adhered to at all times. This rule is designed to give the victim a right to get his/her lighter back. This means that if the victim discovers his/her stolen lighter in the thieves' possession within 24 hours of stealing it, the lighter must be returned immediately. If the thief has had the lighter for more than 24 hours it is then owned by him and can be legally used in anyway he wants. This includes enticing the victim by waving in front of them while singing 'I nicked your lighter'.
The exact time is never usually taken down but it is up to the thief to keep the lighter undiscovered well over the 24 hours as all discrepancies are given in favour of the victim.

2. 'Hiding'
Once a lighter is stolen it must be kept on the thief's person and must not, in any circumstances, be hidden anywhere else i.e. under a bed, down the side of a sofa etc. The thief still has many places to hide a lighter on themselves such as in the sock, in the sleeve or even, if possible to remain undetected, in the mouth. It is forbidden to hide a lighter in any kind of underwear or around the crotch area, as this affects the 'Searching an Accused' rule, below.

3. 'Passing Rule'
When a lighter has been stolen it can be passed around the room secretly between 2 or more people to fool the victim, until the victim accuses someone, and then the passing must cease. The victim is then allowed to search the accused as he sees fit (See 'Searching an accused') and the thief who is in possession at that time must keep the lighter.

4. 'Searching an Accused'
Another rule created in favour of the victim. After having a lighter stolen the victim will accuse somebody of that theft and he then has right to search that person using the police/bouncer search method or 'pat down' as it is commonly known as. The victim can search that one person only and if the lighter is not found the victim must get used to the fact his lighter has gone unless the victim has a good reason to search somebody else.These reasons can include overhearing who has the lighter, an informer grassing a thief up or catching sight of the lighter again.
The crotch area is not allowed to be searched as it is against the rules for the thief to hide the lighter there.

5. 'Swearing on your Mother's Life'
This rule can be used against thieves to find out who has got the lighter. If your accused of having the stolen lighter and you are too stoned to get up and be searched, you can swear on your mother's life you haven't got it. If you're lying and you have got it, the consequences speak for themselves. This cannot be used to force people to grass on each other.


Stealing Techniques

These skills can take practice to master but when used properly and efficiently, lighters can be stolen and the victim wont even know its gone.

1. 'Borrowing'
By far and away the most common tactic used by the lighter thief. You ask a friend for a light, take ages to use it until the friend has forgotten about it, then place in the pocket. Simple, yet highly effective method. The problem with this trick is you always have to hope that they forget who they lent it to or accuse someone else. If they search someone else and no-one grasses on you, you're home and dry.

2. 'The Distraction Method'
The oldest trick in the book and not just used in the art of lighter stealing. This is usually only performed when somebody has left a lighter on a table. You cunningly avert the victims attention by pointing at something. A picture of Rachel Stevens works wonders as the victim will stare for that fraction longer, leaving you more time to swipe the lighter and hide in an appropriate place.

3. 'Pickpocketing'
Pickpocketing is very risky and if someone catches you with your hand in their pocket you would be looking at serious Nipple Twist at the very least. This is more of an opportuinist technique and is best used when the lighter is hanging out of the pocket.

4. 'The Magician'
A crafty skill that takes practice, good lying skills and a big sleeve. You borrow the lighter and light your cigarette/spliff. As the victim takes his/her eyes off the lighter for a second, drop it down the sleeve. When the victim asks where the lighter went you have to blame the person next to you, say you dropped it or, if your really good at lying, tell the victim a squirrel ran past, grabbed it and ran off.


Defending your Lighter

More often than not you will go out at night with only one lighter with you so your going to need to stop theives taking it. These prevention tactics are a good start to keeping your lighter throughout the night.

1. Keep Your Eye On It
If you lend someone a lighter, keep your eye on it. Dont let someone move your attention away from it no matter how stoned you are or how clever the distraction is.

2. Be Careful Who you Lend It Too
Theres always some motherfucker who spends the entire time trying to steal everyone in the rooms lighters. This person is beyond a joke so the solution to this problem is: Dont lend them your lighter under any circumstances. If they can't light a spliff then keep the lighter in your hand and light it for them, reminding them that your wouldn't have to do that if he/she wasnt such a thieving shit.

3. Let the Bastard Steal a Joke Lighter
Go to the joke shop. Purchase one joke electric shock or exploding lighter. Go to mates house. Leave joke lighter out for thief to steal. If you have ever been tricked by one of these lighters you will realise why this is a good idea. When I bought an electric shock one I decided to test it to see if it really was that bad. I nearly pissed myself. Try one yourself...

Conclusion
If you dont want your lighter to be stolen, dont bring one out with you. Innocent people who do not know the rules can also become victims of lighter theft so be warned. The enitire point of this is stealing the lighter and then boasting about the quality of lighter you stole. More often than not it will be a disposable lighter but even though its funny to picture a person's face when they are in need of a nicotine intake and they realise their 50p lighter has been stolen, its all the more pleasing to picture their face when they realise their Clipper Elite or Jet Lighter is in your pocket rather than theirs.It's just a bit of fun and most lighters dont cost much more than 2.00 so killing someone because they stole your lighter in the shape of breasts isnt advised. Take this page as warning and hone your skills and soon you will be stoned and laughing at the thought of a friend having to ask a granny for a light. And then stealing the grannies lighter as payback.

PLEASE FOLLOW THE RULES AND REMEMBER ITS ONLY A LIGHTER!

 

A middle-aged couple is watching TV when an evangelist comes on and
promises to heal the sick. He says, "Pray with me, placing your right
hand in the air and your left hand on the afflicted area." So the man
places his right hand in the air and his left hand on his crotch and his
wife says, "Honey, he said heal the sick, not raise the dead."

 

Four Catholic Ladies were having coffee. The first Catholic woman tells
her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone
calls him 'Father.'" The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a
bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him 'Your Grace.'"
The third Catholic crone says, "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks
into a room, people say 'Your Eminence.'" Since the fourth Catholic
woman sips her coffee in silence, the first three women give her this
subtle "Well....?" So she replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'2"
hard-bodied stripper. When he walks into a room, people say, 'Oh my
God!'"

 

A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he
said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into
the river." With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the
wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." And then
finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take
it and throw it into the river." He sat down. The song leader then
stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song,
let us sing Hymn # 365: "Shall We Gather at the River."

 

The staff at a local United Way office realized that it had never
received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person
in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute and
said, "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least
$500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give
back to the community in some way?" The lawyer mulled this over for a
moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother
is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several
times her annual income?" Embarrassed, the United Way representative
mumbled, "Um... No." "Or," the lawyer continued, "that my brother, a
disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The stricken
United Way representative began to stammer out an apology but was
interrupted when the lawyer added, "Or that my sister's husband died in
a traffic accident?" the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "Leaving
her penniless with three children?" The humiliated United Way
representative, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..." On a
roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money
to them, why should I give any to you?"

 

Here is a neat question for you to Ponder. You only have 1 answer and
the fate of the world is in your hands. It is time to elect a world
leader. It all comes down to your vote. Here's the scoop on the three
leading candidates:
Candidate A: Associates with ward heelers and consults with
astrologists. He had two mistresses. He chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10
martini's a day.
Candidate B: He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon. Used
opium in college and drinks a quart of brandy every evening.
Candidate C: He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't
smoke, drinks an occasional beer, and hasn't had any illicit affairs.
Ok....... Which of these candidates is your choice? A, B, or C?
Scroll Down for the Answer...








Candidate A was Franklin D. Roosevelt.
Candidate B was Winston Churchill.
Candidate C was Adolph Hitler.
Kind of scary, huh?....

 

A young boy who had just gotten his driving permit asked his father, who was a minister,
if they could discuss his use of the family car.

His father said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your Grades up, study your
Bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it.

"A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his
use of the car. His father said, "Son, I'm real proud of you. You have brought your
grades up, you've studied your Bible diligently, but you didn't get hair cut."

The young man hesitated for a moment and replied, "You know dad, I've been thinking
about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair,
and even Jesus had long hair."

His father replied, "Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!"

 

One Sunday morning, Chelsea burst into the living
quarters at the White House and said, "Dad! Mom!
I have some great news for you! I am getting married
to the greatest hunk in Washington. He lives in
Georgetown and his name is Matt." After dinner,
the President took Chelsea aside. "Honey, I have
to talk with you. Your Mother and I have been
married a long time. She's a wonderful wife but
she's never offered much excitement in the bedroom,
so I have fooled around with other women a lot. Matt
is actually your half-brother, and I'm afraid you
can't marry him." Chelsea was heartbroken, but
after eight months she eventually started dating again.
A year later she came home and very proudly
announced, "Robert asked me to marry him! We're
getting married in June." Again her father insisted
on another private conversation and broke the sad news.
"Robert is your half-brother too, Honey. I'm awfully
sorry about this." Chelsea was furious! She finally
decided to go to her Mother and tell her. "Dad has
done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married,"
she complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells
me the guy is my half-brother." Hillary just shook her
head. Don't pay any attention to what he says dear.
He's not really your father."

 

Here's what some of us have to look forward to...
RE: Fun in Hell
One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is
wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with a demon...
Demon: Why so glum?
Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell!
Demon: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down
here...you a drinking man?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink.
Demon: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays that's all we do is drink.
Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet tab and
fresca...we drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!
Guy: Gee that sounds great.
Demon: You a smoker?
Guy: You better believe it!
Demon: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays.
We get the finest cigars from all over the world and
smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie-you're already dead,remember?
Guy: Wow...that's...awesome!
Demon: I bet you like to gamble.
Guy: Why yes, as a matter of fact I do.
Demon: Cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want.
Craps, Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots,
whatever... If you go Bankrupt...well, you're dead anyhow.
Demon: You into drugs?
Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...
Demon: That's right! Thursday is drug day.
Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or
smack. Smoke adoobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the
drugs youwant - you're dead who cares! O.D.!!
Guy: WOW !! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!!
Demon: You gay?
Guy: No....
Demon: "Ooooh,You're gonna hate Fridays."

 

A tall man and a short man meet in a bar. The short man eyes the other guy enviously and asks, "Tall man, how did you get so tall"? The tall man responds, "Well, it's quite easy really; I rub grease on my chest every night before bedtime".

Eager to become taller, the short man does the same and rubs grease on chest each and every night before bedtime. He does this religiously for weeks ... the weeks turn into months but without effect; the short man isn't even a fraction of an inch taller.

Some months later, the short man runs into the tall man again at the same bar. Voicing his disappointment the short man says, "Tall man, I've done exactly as you said. I've been rubbing grease on my chest every night before bedtime but it hasn't worked; I'm not even the least bit taller". The tall man thinks for a bit and asks, "What kind of grease do you use"? and the short man replies "Crisco". Impatiently, the tall man replies, "Well no wonder....that's shortening"!

 

A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf courselined
with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said,
"Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball - don't knock out any
windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix."
The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest
house on the course.
The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses!
Alright, let's go up there, apologize and see how much this is going to cost .
" They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say,
"Come on in." They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a
broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer.
A man on the couch said, "Are you the people that broke my window?"
"Uh, yeah. Sorry about that", the husband replied.
"No, actually I want to thank you - I'm a genie that was trapped for
a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to
grant three wishes - I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself."
"OK, great!", the husband said. "I want a million dollars a year,tax free, for the rest of my life."
"No problem - it's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?"
the genie said, looking at the wife.
"I want a house in every country of the world," she said.
"Consider it done", the genie replied.
"And what's your wish, Genie?", the husband said.
"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years.
My wish is to sleep with your wife."
The husband looks at the wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot ofmoney
and all those houses, honey. I guess I don't care."
The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours.
After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife and said,
"How old is your husband, anyway?""35", she replied.
"And he still believes in genies - that's amazing."

 

The Moral of the Story

Miss Johnson gave her fifth grade class an assignment: get their
parents tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next
day the students came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Katie Jo said, "My daddy's a farmer and we got us a mess of egg-laying
hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on thefront
seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all them eggs went
a-flying and broke and made a mess."
"And what's the moral of the story?" asked Miss J.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
"Very good, Katie, Jo" said Miss Johnson. "Now, Lucy?"
"Well, our family are farmers, too. But we raise chickens for the
meat market. We had us a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we
only got ten live chicks. And the moral to this story is, "Don't count
your chickens until they're hatched."
"That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny do you have a story to share?"
Wide eyed, Johnny replied, "Why, yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this
story about my Uncle Bob. Uncle Bob, he, was a pilot in Vi-etnam and his
plane got hit. He had to bail out over enemy territory and all he had was
a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete... He drank the whole
bottle whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then he landed
right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.
He killed seventy of 'em with the machine gun until he run out of
bullets, then he killed twenty more with the machete till the blade
broke and then he killed the last ten with his bare hands."
"My goodness, gracious!" exclaimed the horrified Miss J., "And just
what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that awful story?"
"Don't mess with Uncle Bob when he's been drinking."
--------------------

 

Where the old tradition of putting an angel on top of a Christmas tree came from:


Santa was having a bad day. Mrs Claus was nagging and
PMS. The dwarves were working slowly due to rotating
strikes and picket lines. There were serious assembly
problems. Claus's daughter required expensive dental
care after biting down on her tongue ring. Rudolf was
getting old and stodgy, and was having elimination
problems. And Claus himself put his back out working
out at the local Fitness World.
In the midst of all this a shimmering angel arrived one
evening with a lovely tree. As Claus answered the door,
frowning and muttering, the angel smiled and said
"Merry Christmas, Santa! Here's your tree. Where do you
want me to stick it?