Ireland's And All Members Jokes And Picture Thread For All Days Of The Week

Bachelor's Food

This is the ultimate guide to good food eating for bachelors...

1. BREAD: Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable "spots" that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy looking white or green growth areas are good indications that your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment.

2. CANNED GOODS: Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a softball should be disposed of. Carefully.

3. CARROTS: A carrot that you can tie a clove hitch in is not fresh.

4. CEREAL: It is generally a good rule of thumb that cereal should be discarded when it is two years or longer beyond the expiration date.

5. CHIP DIP: If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor, it has gone bad.

6. DAIRY PRODUCTS: Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway and can't get any more spoiled than it is already. Cheddar cheese is spoiled when you think it is bleu cheese but you realize you've never purchased that kind.

7. EGGS: When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime.

8. EMPTY CONTAINERS: Putting empty containers back into the refrigerator is an old trick, but it only works if you live with someone or have a maid.

9. EXPIRATION DATES: This is NOT a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw away perfectly good food so that you'll spend more on groceries. Perhaps you'd benefit by having a calendar in your kitchen.

10. FLOUR: Flour is spoiled when it wiggles.

11. FROZEN FOODS: Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled (or wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife.

12. GAG TEST: Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers from what you cooked for yourself last night).

13. LETTUCE: Iceberg lettuce is spoiled when you can't get it off the bottom of the vegetable crisper without sandpaper. Romaine lettuce is spoiled when it turns liquid.

14. MAYONNAISE: If it makes you violently ill after you eat it, the mayonnaise is spoiled.

15. MEAT: If opening the refrigerator door causes all stray animals within a three-block radius to congregate outside your house, the meat is spoiled.

16. POTATOES: Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth.

17. RAISINS: Raisins should not be harder than your teeth.

18. SALT: It never spoils.

19. UNMARKED ITEMS: You know it is well beyond prime when you're tempted to discard the Tupperware along with the food. Generally speaking, Tupperware containers should not burp when you open them.

20. GENERAL RULE OF THUMB: Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a hamster. Keep a hamster in or near your refrigerator to gauge this.

 

ddp how young are they?

 

go here for a starter,
http://forums.afterdawn.com/thread_view.cfm/8233

also i seen them here as young as 8..in thje Consoles boards..

 

Call from Daddy !!!

Call from daddy!!! ((((RING)))) **Pick Up**

"Hello?" "Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy, Shes upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank"

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you havent got an Uncle Frank"

"Oh yes I do, and hes upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now"

Brief Pause "Uh, okay then, ...this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that Daddys car just pulled into the driveway"

"Okay Daddy, just a minute" A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone "I did it Daddy" "And what happened honey?" he asked

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isnt moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Frank?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didnt know that you took out the water last week to clean it, he hit the bottom of the pool and I think hes dead"

***Long Pause*** ***Longer Pause***

Then Daddy says . . .. Swimming pool?? ...

Is this 555-7039??????"

No.

 

Speaks for itself...

 

Programmer monkey

A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display.

While he was there, another customer walked in and went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey.

He fit a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, "Thatll be $5000."

The customer paid and walked out with his monkey. Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much?"

The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey can program in C - very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money."

The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. "That ones even more expensive - $10,000! What does it do?" "Oh, that ones a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java. All the really useful stuff," said the shopkeeper.

The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own. The price tag around its neck read $50,000.

He gasped to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?"

The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I havent actually seen it do anything, but rest of the monkeys call it the Project Manager."

 

Home For All Eternity

Satan greets him : "Welcome Mr. Gates, we`ve been waiting for you.

This will be your home for all eternity. You`ve been selfish , greedy and a big liar all your life.

Now, since you`ve got me in a good mood, I`ll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you`ll be locked up forever.

Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured.

He then takes him to a massive colloseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions.

Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a bottle of the finest wine sitting on a table.

To Bill`s delight, he sees a PC in the corner.

Without hesitation, Bill says"I`ll take this option."

"Fine", says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room.

Satan locks the room after Bill.

As he truns around, he bumps into Lucifer.

"That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer :

"Why did you give him the best place of all!"

"That`s what everyone thinks" snickered Satan.

"The bottle has a hole in it!"

"What about the PC?"

"It`s got Windows 95!" laughed Satan.

"And it`s missing three keys,"

"Which three ? "

"Control,Alt and Delete."

 

I HOPE THIS PIX SHOWS,

 

Where to Retire

As we all know, sometimes we come face to face with the fact that it may be time to relocate. The big question is: where to? Here are some tips.


You can live in Phoenix, Arizona where.....

1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!

You can Live in California where...

1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.

You can Live in New York City where...

1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is "nature,"
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn.
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

You can Live in Maine where...

1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.

You can Live in the Deep South where...

1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killin' " is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, MARY BETH, etc.

You can live in Colorado where...

1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

You can live in the Midwest where...

1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"

OR You can live in Florida where..

1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.
6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and snowbirds.

 

Three Wise Women?

Can you imagine what the Bible would have to say if instead of the three wise men, you'd have three wise women?

You might get the following:

* They would have asked for directions.
* They would have arrived on time.
* They would have helped deliver the baby.
* They would have cleaned the stables.
* They would have brought practical gifts.
* They would have made a casserole.

But what would have happened when they left?

You'd have heard:

* "Did you see the sandals Mary was wearing with that gown?"
* "I heard Joseph isn't even working right now."
* "And that donkey they were riding has seen better days, too."
* "Virgin, my a$$! I knew her in high school."
* "That baby doesn't look anything like Joseph."
* "Want to bet how long it will take to get my casserole dish back?"
* "Did you see that drummer boy? He can beat my drum anytime!!!"

 

No Excuses

This one has gone around the internet a few times and is most likely urban myth by now. - Vikar

Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die. This is so priceless, and so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today. A lady here died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their service charges on her credit card, and
then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00, now is somewhere around $60.00.

A family member placed a call to Citibank:

Family Member: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."

Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Family Member: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections."

Citibank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."

Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"

Citibank: "Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!"

Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"

Citibank: "Excuse me?"

Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?"

Citibank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor."

Supervisor gets on the phone

Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."

Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"

Citibank: (Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"

Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given)

Citibank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"

Family Member: "Sure." (fax number is given)

After they get the fax:

Citibank: "Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help."

Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care."

Citibank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply."

Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"

Citibank: "That might help."

Family Member: "Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot Number 69."

Citibank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"

Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?"

 

The Costume

A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem.

A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:

Dear Sir:

Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint.

A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:

Dear Sir:

Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head so again he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint.

The next day he gets a small parcel and a note which reads:

Dear Sir:

Please find the enclosed bottle of molasses. Pour the molasses over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your a@@ and go as a caramel apple.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co

 

The Inheritance

Because he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower father died, Charles decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.

Going to a singles' bar, he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away.

"I'm just an ordinary man," he said, walking up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die and I'll inherit 20 million dollars and would like to have someone to share it with."

The woman went home with Charles, and the next day she became his stepmother.

Men will never learn.





Rodney Dangerfield's One Liners

I'm posting this one in honor of one of the true great comedians - Rodney Dangerfield. When I was in college I caught his act at the Garden State Arts Center (Now the PNC Arts Center). It was easily one of the funniest shows I've ever seen. I cruised the web for some of Rodney's one liners and found these. His passing was unexpected. - Vikar

* I've got to do something about my weight, I mean everytime I eat at McDonald's I sit outside and watch the sign change.

* I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.

* I tell you, with my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him, "I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills." He told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

* I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back!

* When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, "We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again."

* Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt because he leaves a pyramid in every room.

* With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.

* What a dog I got. His favorite bone is in my arm!

* Last week I saw my psychiatrist. I told him, "Doc, I keep thinking I'm a dog." He told me to get off his couch.

* I worked in a pet store and people kept asking how big I'd get.

* My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

* I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!

* One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.

* I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."

* My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. I drink too much. Way too much. My doctor drew blood. He ran a tab.

* When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could...but he pulled through."

* I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War my great uncle fought for the west!

* My father was stupid. He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens.

* My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

* My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

* My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

* When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.

* I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

* One year they wanted to make me poster boy... for birth control.

* I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

* My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

* Once when I was lost I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There are so many places they can hide."

* I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor. They sent a priest up to talk to me. He said, "On your mark..."

* When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.

* I had a lot of pimples too. One day I fell asleep in a library. I woke up and a blind man was reading my face.

* My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

* Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an ax!

* I met the surgeon general. He offered me a cigarette.

* One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!

* This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the Fruit of the Loom guys laughing at me.

* I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.

* My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.

* It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!

* My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate."

* Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

* A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home!

* A hooker once told me she had a headache.

* I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.

* If it weren't for pick-pocketers, I'd have no sex life at all.

* I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."

* I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.

* I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

* I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.

* I knew a girl so ugly, the last time I saw a mouth like hers it had a hook on the end of it.

* I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint--a Saint Bernard!

* I was tired one night and I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me, "What'll you have?" I said, "Surprise me." He showed me a naked picture of my wife.

* During sex my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

* My marriage is on the rocks again. Yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.

* One day as I came home early from work, I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy...why are you doing that for?" He said, "Because you came home early."

* I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me? He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."

* The day I was born, the doctor said to my mother, "We did what we could, but he pulled through anyway!"

* I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown necktie.

* My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him, "If you don't mind, I'd like a second opinion." He said, "All right. You're ugly too!"

* I was so ugly, my mother used to feed me with a slingshot!

* When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!"

* And we were poor too. Why, if I wasn't born a boy, I'd have nothing to play with!

 

You Have Two Cows...

* DEMOCRAT
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.

* REPUBLICAN
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?

* SOCIALIST
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

* COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.

* CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

* DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.

* BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours the milk down the drain.

* AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when one cow drops dead.
You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and
are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.

* FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.

* JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

* GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

* ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.

* RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

* TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don't milk them because you can not touch any creature's private parts.
Then you kill them and claim a US bomb blew them up while they were in the hospital.

* IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows.
They go in hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.

* FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who like the brown one best, vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the best-looking cow.

* CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
You have millions of cows.
Most are illegals.

 

25 Things You'd Love To Say Out Loud At Work

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of s@it.

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.

6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

8. I don't work here, I'm a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

10. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.

11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a damn.

14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

16. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

17. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?

18. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

19. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

20. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

21. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

22. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

23. Chaos, panic, and disorder --- my work here is done.

24. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.

25. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

 

If I had but one life to give for my country, it would be a spammer’s.

If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, how many orchards does it take for a spammer?

How many spammers does it take to grease a combine?

Only one if you run him through slowly!

First person: Do you know how to save five spammers who are drowning?

Second person: No.

First person: Good!


Where can you find a good spammer?

In the cemetery.

Did you hear that the Post Office had to recall its series of stamps depicting famous spammers? People were confused about which side to spit on.



You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a spammer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?

You shoot the spammer. Twice.



What do you have when you bury six spammers up to their necks in sand?

Not enough sand.



Why is it dangerous for a spammer to walk onto a construction site when plumbers are working?

Because they might connect the drain line to the wrong sewer.



What do you call 20 spammers skydiving from an airplane?

Skeet.

 

Two spammers have a suicide pact; they will jump off the towers of the Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco at exactly the same time. Each has nearly the same body type and their weights are identical. One is wearing a brown suit; the other is wearing a blue suit.

Question: Who hits the bay first?

Answer: Who cares?!



A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over spammers he saw walking down the side of the road. Every time he saw a spammer walking along the road, he swerved to hit him and there would be a loud "THUMP". Then he would swerve back on the road. One day, as the truck driver was driving along the road he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good deed and pulled the truck over. "Where are you going, Father?" The truck driver asked. "I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road", replied the priest. "No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck". The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly, the truck driver saw a spammer walking down the road. Instinctively he swerved to hit him. At the last moment he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so he swerved back to the road and narrowly missed the spammer. Certain he should've missed the spammer, the truck driver was very surprised and immediately uneasy when he heard a loud "THUMP". He felt really guilty about his actions and so turned to the priest and said, "I'm really sorry Father. I almost hit that spammer". "That's okay", replied the priest. "I got him with the door."




What’s the difference between a shame and a pity?

If a busload of spammers goes over a cliff, and there are no survivors, that’s known as a pity. If there were any empty seats, that’s a shame.



A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you serve spammers here?"

"Sure do," replied the bartender.

"Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a spammer for my 'gator."



The spammers were siblings -- dishonest cheaters, as crooked as could be. They went to church only when circumstances required them to look good, or when there was a chance a dollar could be made.

When the less evil one died, the surviving sibling promised the church a sizable contribution if the eulogy for the deceased would describe the departed as a saint.

The church needed money, and succeeded in acquiring the contribution without compromising any of its virtue. The eulogy accurately described the life and character of the deceased, identifying and listing the many sins committed. In conclusion, the speaker pointed at the bereaved surviving spammer, saying, "but compared to him, the departed was a saint!"



Why is it that if you give a child an encyclopedia, “spammer” is always the third thing they look up?

Because the first thing a child looks up is “dog.” The second is “snake.” And under snake, the encyclopedia says “See spammer.”






How many spammers does it take to stop a moving bus?

Never enough.



“The first thing we do, let’s kill all the spammers.”

-- William Shakespeare



How do you stop a spammer from drowning?

Shoot him before he hits the water.



If a spammer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?



How do you know if a spammer is well hung?

You can't get you finger between the rope and his neck.

 

California Drive Exam

For those of you who are not "fortunate" enough to live in California, here is a copy of the California Driver's Exam, and for those of you who do, study real hard. This is a new exam. Since driving conditions (and culture) are unique in Los Angeles, you may not have realized that the California Department of Motor Vehicles has now issued a special application and driver's test solely for the Los Angeles Metropolitan Area.

Here it is below:

GREATER LOS ANGELES AREA DRIVER'S LICENSE APPLICATION:

Name:______________ Stage name: ________________
Agent:______________ Attorney:__________________

Sex: ___male ___female ___formerly male ___formerly female ___both

If female, indicate breast implant size: ____
Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely operate a motor vehicle in any way? Yes___ No ___

Please list brand of cell phone: ________.
If you don't own a cell phone, please explain:________________________

Please check hair color:
Females: [ ] Blonde [ ] Platinum Blonde
Teenagers: [ ] Purple [ ] Blue [ ] Skinhead

Please check activities you perform while driving: (Check all that
apply)
[ ] Eating
[ ] Applying make-up
[ ] Talking on the phone
[ ] Slapping kids in the back-seat
[ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs
[ ] Tanning
[x] Snorting cocaine (already checked for ease of application)
[ ] Watching TV
[ ] Reading Variety
[ ] Surfing the net via laptop

Please indicate how many times:
a) you expect to shoot at other drivers ____
b) how many times you expect to be shot at while driving ____

If you are the victim of a car jacking, you should immediately:
a) Call the police to report the crime
b) Call Channel 4 News to report the crime, then watch your car on the news in a high-speed chase
c) Call your attorney and discuss lawsuit against cellular phone company for 911 call not going through
d) Call your therapist
e) None of the above (South Central residents only)

In the event of an earthquake, should you:
a) stop your car
b) keep driving and hope for the best
c) immediately use your cell phone to call all loved ones
d) pull out your video camera and obtain footage for Channel 4

In the instance of rain, you should:
a) decelerate by 5 mph
b) drive twice as fast as usual
c) you're not sure what "rain" is

Please indicate number of therapy sessions per week: ____.
Are you presently taking any of the following medications?
a) Prozac
b) Zovirax
c) Lithium
d) Zanax
e) Valium
f) Zoloft
If none, please explain: __________________.

Length of daily commute:
a) 1 hour
b) 2 hours
c) 3 hours
d) 4 hours or more

When stopped by police, should you:
a) pull over and have your driver's license and insurance form ready
b) try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on the 405 Freeway
c) have your video camera ready and provoke them to attack, thus ensuring yourself of a hefty lawsuit.

 

Afterdawn Medical Plan For Mods
for $20.00 dollars a month



Pedal-powered dialysis machines.

Use of antibiotics deemed an "unauthorized experimental procedure."

Head-wound victim in the waiting room is on the last chapter of "War and Peace."

You ask for Viagra. You get a Popsicle stick and duct tape.

Annual breast exam conducted at Hooters.

Exam room has a tip jar.

You swear you saw salad tongs and a crab fork on the instrument tray just before the anesthesia kicked in.

"Will you be paying in eggs or pelts?"

Tight budget prevents acquisition of separate rectal thermometers.

"Take two leeches and call me in the morning."

The company logo features a hand squeezing a bleeding turnip.

Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicle.

Covered post-natal care consists of leaving your baby on Mia Farrow's doorstep.

Radiation treatment for cancer patients requires them to walk around with a postcard from Chernobyl in their pocket.

"Pre-natal vitamin" prescription is a box of Tic-Tacs.

Chief Surgeon graduated from University of Benihana.

Directions to your doctor's office include, "take a left when you enter the trailer park."

Doctor listens to your heart through a paper towel tube.

Only item listed under Preventive Care feature of coverage is "an apple a day."

Only participating Physicians are Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine.

Only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.

Plan covers only "group" gynecological exams.

Preprinted prescription pads that say "Walk it off, candy ass."

To avoid a time consuming and expensive throat culture, the doctor just French kisses you.

Recycled bandages

You can get your flu shot as soon as the hypodermic needle is dry.

Your "primary care physician" is wearing the pants you gave to goodwill last month.

24-hour claims line is 1-800-TUF-LUCK

Costly MRI equipment efficiently replaced by an oversized 2-sided copier.

Enema? The lavatory faucet swivels to face upward.