Ireland's And All Members Jokes And Picture Thread For All Days Of The Week

A surgeon went to check on his blonde patient after
an operation. She was awake, so he examined her.

"You'll be fine," he said. She asked, "How long will it
be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"

The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl

"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"

He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one
has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."

 

Hung
One Saturday afternoon, a man was sitting in his lawn chair drinking beer and watching his wife mow the lawn.

A neighbor lady was so outraged at this, she came over and shouted at the man, "You should be hung!"

To which he calmly replied, "I am. That's why she cuts the grass!"

 

Show Off
In a train compartment, there are 3 men and a ravishing young girl. The four passengers join in conversation, which very soon turns to the erotic.

Then, the young girl proposes, "If each of you will give me $1.00, I will show you my legs." The men, charmed by this young girl, all pull a buck out of their wallet.

And then the girl pulls us her dress a bit to show her legs.

Then she says, "If each of you gentlemen will give me $10.00, I'll show you my thighs," and men being what they are, they all pull out a ten dollar bill. The girl pulls up her dress all the way to her legs in full.

Conversation continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their coats.

Then the young girl says, "If you will give me $100, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis."

All three fork over the money. The girl then turned to the window and points outside at a building they're passing. "See there in the distance. That's the hospital where I had it done!"

 

NOT A JOKE BUT FUN TO READ...

The Top The Top 10 Craziest Science Stuff you didn't know
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You can Hypnotize Chickens

A chicken can be hypnotized, or put into a trance by holding its head down against the ground, and continuously drawing a line along the ground with a stick or a finger, starting at its beak and extending straight outward in front of the chicken.

If the chicken is hypnotized in this manner, it will remain immobile for somewhere between 15 seconds to 30 minutes, continuing to stare at the line.

You can have an erection once dead

A death erection (sometimes referred to as "angel lust") is a post-mortem erection which occurs when a male individual dies vertically or face-down – the cadaver remaining in this position. During life, the pumping of blood by the heart ensures a relatively even distribution around the blood vessels of the human body. Once this mechanism has ended, only the force of gravity acts upon the blood. As with any mass, the blood settles at the lowest point of the body and causes edema or swelling to occur; the discoloration caused by this is called lividity. Sorry, no photo for this one!

Your hand can have a life of it's own

Alien hand syndrome (or Dr. Strangelove syndrome) is an unusual neurological disorder in which one of the sufferer's hands seems to take on a life of its own.

AHS is best documented in cases where a person has had the two hemispheres of their brain surgically separated, a procedure sometimes used to relieve the symptoms of extreme cases of epilepsy. It also occurs in some cases after other brain surgery, strokes, or infections. The HAND is after you!

Don't laugh too much, it can kill you

Fatal hilarity is death as a result of laughter. In the third century B.C. the Greek philosopher Chrysippus died of laughter after seeing a donkey eating figs (hey, it wasn't THAT funny).

On 24 March 1975 Alex Mitchell, a 50-year-old bricklayer from King's Lynn, England, literally died laughing while watching an episode of The Goodies. According to his wife, who was a witness, Mitchell was unable to stop laughing whilst watching a sketch in the episode "Kung Fu Kapers" in which Tim Brooke-Taylor, dressed as a kilted Scotsman, used a set of bagpipes to defend himself from a psychopathic black pudding in a demonstration of the Scottish martial art of "Hoots-Toot-ochaye". After twenty-five minutes of continuous laughter Mitchell finally slumped on the sofa and expired from heart failure. His widow later sent the Goodies a letter thanking them for making Mitchell's final moments so pleasant.

A weapon could make you Gay

Gay bomb is an informal name for a potential non-lethal chemical weapon, which a U.S. Air Force research laboratory speculated about producing.

In one sentence of the document it was suggested that a strong aphrodisiac could be dropped on enemy troops, ideally one which would also cause "homosexual behaviour". So that's how they got Saddam!

It's true, Men can breastfeed

The phenomenon of male lactation in humans has become more common in recent years due to the use of medications that stimulate a human male's mammary glands.

Male lactation is most commonly caused by hormonal treatments given to men suffering from prostate cancer. It is also possible for males (and females) to induce lactation through constant massage and simulated 'sucking' of the nipple over a long period of time (months).

Bart Simpson's Tomacco (half tomato, half tobacco) was possible

A tomacco is originally a fictional hybrid fruit that is half tomato and half tobacco, from the 1999 episode "E-I-E-I-(Annoyed Grunt)" of The Simpsons; the method used to create the tomacco in the episode is fictional.

The tomacco became real when it was allegedly produced in 2003. Inspired by The Simpsons, Rob Baur of Lake Oswego, Oregon successfully grafted a tomato plant onto the roots of a tobacco plant, which was possible because both plants come from the same family.

It's OK to have a third nipple

A supernumerary nipple (also known as a third nipple) is an additional nipple occurring in mammals including humans. Often mistaken for moles, supernumerary nipples are diagnosed at a rate of 2% in females, less in males. The nipples appear along the two vertical "milk lines" which start in the armpit on each side, run down through the typical nipples and end at the groin. They are classified into eight levels of completeness from a simple patch of hair to a milk-bearing breast in miniature.

You can die on the Toilet

There are many toilet-related injuries and some toilet-related deaths throughout history and in urban legends.

In young boys, one of the most common causes of genital injury is when the toilet seat falls down while using the toilet.

George II of Great Britain died on the toilet on 25 October 1760 from an aortic dissection. According to Horace Walpole's memoirs, King George "rose as usual at six, and drank his chocolate; for all his actions were invariably methodic. A quarter after seven he went into a little closet. His German valet de chambre in waiting heard a noise, and running in, found the King dead on the floor."

Picking one's nose and eating it might be healthy

Mucophagy (literally mucus-eating, also referred as picking one's nose and eating it) is the consumption of the nasal mucus, boogers, and other detritus obtained from nose-picking.

Some research suggests that mucophagy may be a natural and even healthy activity, which exposes the digestive system to bacteria accumulated in the mucus, thereby helping to strengthen the immune system.
Some of this stuff is really out there.

You can Hypnotize Chickens

A chicken can be hypnotized, or put into a trance by holding its head down against the ground, and continuously drawing a line along the ground with a stick or a finger, starting at its beak and extending straight outward in front of the chicken.

If the chicken is hypnotized in this manner, it will remain immobile for somewhere between 15 seconds to 30 minutes, continuing to stare at the line.

- 2spare.com


The Top 10 Craziest Science Stuff you didn't know
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You can Hypnotize Chickens

A chicken can be hypnotized, or put into a trance by holding its head down against the ground, and continuously drawing a line along the ground with a stick or a finger, starting at its beak and extending straight outward in front of the chicken.

If the chicken is hypnotized in this manner, it will remain immobile for somewhere between 15 seconds to 30 minutes, continuing to stare at the line.

You can have an erection once dead

A death erection (sometimes referred to as "angel lust") is a post-mortem erection which occurs when a male individual dies vertically or face-down – the cadaver remaining in this position. During life, the pumping of blood by the heart ensures a relatively even distribution around the blood vessels of the human body. Once this mechanism has ended, only the force of gravity acts upon the blood. As with any mass, the blood settles at the lowest point of the body and causes edema or swelling to occur; the discoloration caused by this is called lividity. Sorry, no photo for this one!

Your hand can have a life of it's own

Alien hand syndrome (or Dr. Strangelove syndrome) is an unusual neurological disorder in which one of the sufferer's hands seems to take on a life of its own.

AHS is best documented in cases where a person has had the two hemispheres of their brain surgically separated, a procedure sometimes used to relieve the symptoms of extreme cases of epilepsy. It also occurs in some cases after other brain surgery, strokes, or infections. The HAND is after you!

Don't laugh too much, it can kill you

Fatal hilarity is death as a result of laughter. In the third century B.C. the Greek philosopher Chrysippus died of laughter after seeing a donkey eating figs (hey, it wasn't THAT funny).

On 24 March 1975 Alex Mitchell, a 50-year-old bricklayer from King's Lynn, England, literally died laughing while watching an episode of The Goodies. According to his wife, who was a witness, Mitchell was unable to stop laughing whilst watching a sketch in the episode "Kung Fu Kapers" in which Tim Brooke-Taylor, dressed as a kilted Scotsman, used a set of bagpipes to defend himself from a psychopathic black pudding in a demonstration of the Scottish martial art of "Hoots-Toot-ochaye". After twenty-five minutes of continuous laughter Mitchell finally slumped on the sofa and expired from heart failure. His widow later sent the Goodies a letter thanking them for making Mitchell's final moments so pleasant.

A weapon could make you Gay

Gay bomb is an informal name for a potential non-lethal chemical weapon, which a U.S. Air Force research laboratory speculated about producing.

In one sentence of the document it was suggested that a strong aphrodisiac could be dropped on enemy troops, ideally one which would also cause "homosexual behaviour". So that's how they got Saddam!

It's true, Men can breastfeed

The phenomenon of male lactation in humans has become more common in recent years due to the use of medications that stimulate a human male's mammary glands.

Male lactation is most commonly caused by hormonal treatments given to men suffering from prostate cancer. It is also possible for males (and females) to induce lactation through constant massage and simulated 'sucking' of the nipple over a long period of time (months).

Bart Simpson's Tomacco (half tomato, half tobacco) was possible

A tomacco is originally a fictional hybrid fruit that is half tomato and half tobacco, from the 1999 episode "E-I-E-I-(Annoyed Grunt)" of The Simpsons; the method used to create the tomacco in the episode is fictional.

The tomacco became real when it was allegedly produced in 2003. Inspired by The Simpsons, Rob Baur of Lake Oswego, Oregon successfully grafted a tomato plant onto the roots of a tobacco plant, which was possible because both plants come from the same family.

It's OK to have a third nipple

A supernumerary nipple (also known as a third nipple) is an additional nipple occurring in mammals including humans. Often mistaken for moles, supernumerary nipples are diagnosed at a rate of 2% in females, less in males. The nipples appear along the two vertical "milk lines" which start in the armpit on each side, run down through the typical nipples and end at the groin. They are classified into eight levels of completeness from a simple patch of hair to a milk-bearing breast in miniature.

You can die on the Toilet

There are many toilet-related injuries and some toilet-related deaths throughout history and in urban legends.

In young boys, one of the most common causes of genital injury is when the toilet seat falls down while using the toilet.

George II of Great Britain died on the toilet on 25 October 1760 from an aortic dissection. According to Horace Walpole's memoirs, King George "rose as usual at six, and drank his chocolate; for all his actions were invariably methodic. A quarter after seven he went into a little closet. His German valet de chambre in waiting heard a noise, and running in, found the King dead on the floor."

Picking one's nose and eating it might be healthy

Mucophagy (literally mucus-eating, also referred as picking one's nose and eating it) is the consumption of the nasal mucus, boogers, and other detritus obtained from nose-picking.

Some research suggests that mucophagy may be a natural and even healthy activity, which exposes the digestive system to bacteria accumulated in the mucus, thereby helping to strengthen the immune system.

 

here's an oldie:
In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young blonde wearing a tight mini skirt was waiting for a bus. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step.

Once again, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."

 

How To Get Out Of A Speeding Ticket (Andrew's going to love this one)

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the lady who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

Driver: Sure. Here it is.

It was valid.

Captain: Who's car is this?

Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.

The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

Driver: Gun? What gun ?? ...There's no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.

Driver: I said what ?

Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Yeah, And I'll bet the lying son-of-a-bitch told you I was speeding too!

 

Hi Tech At It's Best

A Hi-Tech Guy A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts dialing numbers... like a telephone... on his hand, then talking into his hand. The bartender walks over and tells him this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn't need any trouble here. The guy says, "You don't understand. I'm very hi-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular." The bartender says "Prove it." The guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a conversation. "That's incredible," says the bartender, "I would never have believed it!" "Yeah", said the guy, "I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it. By the way, where is the men's room?" The bartender directs him to the men's room. The guy goes in and 5, 10, 20 minutes go by and he doesn't return. Fearing the worst given the neighborhood, the bartender goes into the men's room. There is the guy spread-eagle on the wall. His pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper up his butt. "Oh my god!" said the bartender. "Did they rob you? Are you hurt?" The guy turns to him and says, "No, I'm ok... I'm just waiting for a fax."

 

Things to do at a department store while the spouse/partner is taking his/her sweet time:

1. Get boxes of condoms & randomly put them in peoples carts when they aren't looking.
2. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at 10 minute intervals.
3. Make a trail of orange juice on the floor to the rest rooms.
4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, "I think we have a code 3 in house wares," and see what happens.
5. Put M&M's on lay away.
6. Move "CAUTION WET FLOOR" signs to carpet areas.
7. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them if they bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. When someone asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask "Why won't you people leave me alone?"
9. Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
10. While handling guns in the hunting department ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.
11. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission Impossible".
12. In the auto department practice your Madonna look using different size funnels.
13. Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through say "PICK ME! PICK ME!!!!!!"
14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker assume the fetal position an scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again".
15. Go into the fitting room and yell real loud ...."Hey we're out of toilet paper in here!".

 

An Irish daughter had not been to the house for over 5 years.

Upon her return, her father cussed her; " Where have you been all this time, you ingrate!
Why didn't you write us, not even a line to let us know how you were doing?
Why didn't you call? You little tramp!
Don't you know what you put your Mum through??!!"
The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff... Dad... I became a
prostitute..."

"WHAT!!? Out of here, you shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family.
I don't ever want to see you again!"

"OK, Dad - as you wish. I just came back to give Mom this luxury fur coat, title deeds to a ten bed-roomed mansion, plus a savings account certificate for £5 million. For my little brother, this gold Rolex, and for you Daddy the spanking new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a lifetime
membership to the Country Club...(takes a breath)...an invitation for you all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and...."


"Now what was it you said you had become?"

Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff... A prostitute Dad! ... Sniff, sniff"

"Oh! Be Jesus! - you scared me half to death, girl! I thought you said a Protestant".

Come here and give your old man a hug!"

 

Fastest Thing In The World
There were 4 guys sitting in a bar. One of them decided to play a little game about what each of them thought was the fastest thing in the world.

Well the first guy says, "I think a Concord Jet is the fastest thing in the world, because it can go faster than the speed of sound."

Well the second guy says, "Well I think I got you beat on that one! I think lightning is the fastest thing in the world, because it can go faster than the speed of light and sound."

Well the third guy says, "Well I believe i have both of you beat. The brain is the fastest thing in the world, because whenever you need something, it is right there for you."

Well the fourth guys clearly states, "Well I have got you all beat! I think the anal sphincter muscle is the fastest thing in the world."

The other three guys say really? Why's that?

And the fourth guys says, "Well I was on a Concord Jet, it got struck by lightning, and I didn't know what to do ... so I s@@t my pants!"

 

"Brrr!"
This guy walks into a pub with a gremlin sitting on his shoulder. He sits at the bar and orders a pint and a half of lager.

The gremlin downs his half-pint, runs long the bar, dips his head in a blokes beer and goes, "Brrr!".

The guy orders another pint and a half. The gremlin repeats the performance. The bloke grabs the gremlin by the neck, shakes him up a bit, and says, "Listen, if you ever do that again I'll cut yer balls off!"

The gremlin says, "Ain't got none!" "Well, I'll cut off yer d@@k!" "Ain't got one of them, neither." says the gremlin.

"Well, how do ya pee?"

The gremlin smiled and said, "Brrr!"

 

A guy walks into a bar and orders 21 shots of tequila. The bartender, thinking he misheard, asks again. The guy repeats his original order. Curious, the bartender asks him if he's celebrating something. The guy says he is and the bartender, still pouring shots smiles and wishes him a happy birthday. The guy says "No, it's not my birthday, I'm celebrating my first b/*%job!". The bartender more intrigued than ever asks the significance of the number 21. The guy answers: "That's about how many shots I figure it will take to get this taste out of my mouth!"

 

HOW WOMEN GET WHAT THEY WANT



Women are under the illusion they don't have to ask men for anything - that if the man really loved her, he would automatically and instinctively know what she needed. Right! As if the dysfunctional drone even knew you were in the room, let alone knew what you were feeling. A woman has a better chance of finding a bathing suit off the rack that fits than finding a man who knows what she is going through.

Ironically, however, men like to feel needed - like they're her knight in shining armor. Unfortunately, most turn out to be needy, like her nightmare from The Shining. Therefore, it is important that a woman ask a man directly for what she wants, not indirectly. He is not a mind reader. He doesn't even read a map, how's he going to read a mind?



HOW TO ASK A MAN TO DO SOMETHING

Always remember these five important rules when asking a man to do something:

1. Make sure the man is conscious.

2. Crash the hard drive on his computer and line the bird cage with the sports section.

3. Be brief! Limit your nagging harangue to two, three hours, max.

4. Reward him for cooperative behavior. Offer to cook him something that doesn't have a peel-back cover.

5. Punish him when he refuses to cooperate. Microwave his remote on high power for 55 minutes. Rotate 1/4 turn, and microwave again for another 35 minutes.

6. Use "would you" or "will you" instead of "you'd better" or "do as I say and no one will get hurt".



The Right And Wrong Way to Ask A Man

How you ask a man to do something makes all the difference. Women think that a subtle nuance or slight turn of phrase will have no effect whatsoever on the resolve of their mucho-macho muscular moron. It does! Which is why you should always use "would you" and "will you" instead of "could you" and "can you".

For example:

Do say: would you please take out the garbage?
Do not say: could you get off your big butt and do something around here? What am I, the maid?

Do say: would you like to go out to a nice dinner Saturday night?
Do not say: could you please take me to any restaurant that doesn't have the words "burger", "king" or "happy meal" in their advertising??

Do say: would you mind watching the kids while I take a night off with my girlfriends?
Do not say: could you, just for one night, watch the kids you helped spawn-that I never get a break from-ever! I haven't seen my friends in so long we wear name tags to identify ourselves.

Do say: would you take me to a movie this week?
Do not say: could you prove to me you're not Velcroed to the couch and actually have the motor skills to take me to a motion picture? Something without Pamela Anderson in it.

Do say: would you like me to listen to you talk about your day some more?
Do not say: could you step up the filibuster, Sparky? Jeopardy is on in ten minutes.

Do say: would you consider getting a vasectomy?
Do not say: could you even imagine what it feels like taking birth control pills that make you feel like Attila the Hun one minute and Attila the Hun's evil twin the next minute? Do it or I'll do it FOR you!!

Do say: would you like to take a vacation?
Do not say: could you move out?

Do say: would you get out of my life?
Do not say: could you get out of my life?
Notice how different these two statements are. A man is much more likely to get out of your life if you say "would".

 

Moderator Sanity Test




During a visit to the mental asylum, a Moderator asked the director, "What is the criterion that defines a patient to be institutionalized?"

"Well..." said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, and we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask him to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the Moderator. "A normal person would choose the bucket as it is larger than the spoon or the teacup."

"Noooooooo!" answered the director. "A normal person would pull the plug."

(You are not required to tell anyone how you would have done on this test.)

 

A Boob Poem




For years and years they told me,
Be careful of your breasts.
Don't ever squeeze or bruise them.
And give them monthly tests.

So I heeded all their warnings,
And protected them by law.
Guarded them very carefully,
And I always wore my bra.

After 30 years of astute care,
My gyno, Dr. Pruitt,
Said I should get a Mammogram.
"O.K," I said, "let's do it."

"Stand up here real close" she said,
(She got my boob in line),
"And tell me when it hurts," she said,
"Ah yes! Right there, that's fine."

She stepped upon a pedal,
I could not believe my eyes!
A plastic plate came slamming down,
My hooter's in a vise!

My skin was stretched and mangled,
From underneath my chin.
My poor boob was being squashed,
To Swedish Pancake thin.

Excruciating pain I felt,
Within it's vise-like grip.
A prisoner in this vicious thing,
My poor defenseless tit!

"Take a deep breath" she said to me,
Who does she think she's kidding?!?
My chest is mashed in her machine,
And woozy I am getting.

"There, that's good," I heard her say,
(The room was slowly swaying.)
Now, let's have a go at the other one."
Have mercy, I was praying.

It squeezed me from both up and down,
It squeezed me from both sides.
I'll bet SHE'S never had this done,
To HER tender little hide.

Next time that they make me do this,
I will request a blindfold.
I have no wish to see again,
My knockers getting steam rolled.

If I had no problem when I came in,
I surely have one now.
If there had been a cyst in there,
It would have gone "ker-pow!"

This machine was created by a man,
Of this, I have no doubt.
I'd like to stick his balls in there,
And see how THEY come out.

 

50 Useful Insults




1. Shouldn't a guy with your IQ have a low voice too?
2. After meeting you, I've decided I am in favor of abortion in cases of incest.
3. Any similarity between you and a human is purely coincidental.
4. Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you worse advice.
5. You are as useless as rubber lips on a woodpecker.
6. You've got diarrhea of the mouth; constipation of the ideas.
7. I wonder whether you'd still be an idiot if you'd had enough oxygen at birth?
8. Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.
9. Your job must be to spread ignorance.
10. Don't let your mind wander -- it's too little to be left out alone.
11. Don't you love nature, despite what it did to you?
12. You should need a license to be that ugly.
13. Ever since I saw you in your family tree I've wanted to cut it down.
14. Every boy has the right to be ugly, but you abused the privilege.
15. Grasp your ears firmly and remove your head from your ass.
16. You have the IQ of lint.
17. You are depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
18. You are living proof that man can live without a brain.
19. People would follow you anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
20. I don't mind that you are talking so long as you don't mind that I'm not listening.
21. I don't consider you a vulture. I consider you something a vulture would eat.
22. I feel sorry for you because you are so homely but I feel even sorrier for other people because they have to look at you.
23. I know you're a self-made man. It's nice of you to take the blame.
24. I know you're not as stupid as you look. Nobody could be.
25. I used to think that you were a big pain in the neck. Now I have a much lower opinion of you.
26. I'd like to see things from your point of view but I can't seem to get my head that far up my ass.
27. If I had a face like yours, I'd sue my parents.
28. If I want your stupid opinion, I'll beat it out of you.
29. If I wanted to hear from an ass, I'd fart.
30. If you don't like my opinion of you - improve yourself.
31. I'll never forget the first time we met - although I'll keep trying.
32. I'm glad to see you're not letting your education get in the way of your ignorance.
33. It is mind over matter. I don't mind, because you don't matter.
34. I've come across decomposing bodies that are less offensive than you are.
35. I've seen people like you, but I had to pay admission.
36. Look, don't go to a mind reader; go to a palmist; I know you've got a palm.
37. Ordinarily people live and learn. You just live.
38. People can't say that you have absolutely nothing. After all, you have inferiority!
39. Perhaps your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
40. Someone said you are not fit to sleep with pigs. I stuck up for the pigs.
41. The inbreeding is certainly obvious in your family.
42. We all spring from apes but you didn't spring far enough.
43. We'll get along fine as soon as you realize I'm God.
44. When you fell out of the ugly tree, you hit every branch on the way down.
45. When you were a child your mother wanted to hire someone to take care of you but the Mafia wanted too much.
46. When you were born, God admitted that even He could make a mistake!
47. You are about as useful as a windshield wiper on a goat's ass.
48. You are living proof that manure can grow legs and walk.
49. You have an inferiority complex - and it's fully justified.
50. Aren't you the poster child for birth control?

 

could i tell yo mama jokes?

 

i_suck,sure why not..



A Tight Skirt and Friendship




One Day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt.

When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach to step.

Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little.

She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more.

Still, she couldn't reach the step.

So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way.

Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step.

So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. T

The girl turned around furiously and said, "How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!"

Shocked, the man says, "Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends."

 

yo mama so fat, when she sits on a ps2 it turns into a psp.
yo mama so fat, when she went to the movie theather, she has to [pay 5 tickets.
yo mama so fat, when she fills up the bath tub, she fills up the bath tubs
yo mama so fat that she sits next to budha.
yo mama so fat, when she went into a buffet, the owner cries.
yo mama so fat, king kong was her allies.
yo mama so fat, when she went into the zoo, she got lock up with the elephant.

 

@I suck....... YOU DO!!!!!!

kjkjkjkjkjkjkjkjkjkjkjkjk