Ireland's And All Members Jokes And Picture Thread For All Days Of The Week

Old Mother Hubbard
Went to the cupboard
To get her poor daughter
A Dress.

When she got there,
The cupboard was bare.
And so was her daughter...
I guess.

 

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WHAT___________________WHAT__________________WHAT

 

....................^^^^^^^^^
the boat on the left has white in the black shadow on both sides of the black shadow...

 

@Irealdn...LMAO! Everyone is noticing my shadow issues that I missed LOL! It isn't the first time I draw something with shadows going in four different directions LOL! Would you believe I was on another planet with three suns? ...I screwed up the rear seat of the middle boat. I thought it just slapped someone in the face but must be because I know its there LOL!

By the way, you're also right with the musician jokes ... so many years of fomal study of the keyboards and I'm a social worker! Maybe you can come up with some jokes of artists being the night shift manager?? Screwed on every front LOL!

EDIT: I also spoke with IHoe about possibly starting a thread somewhere for people's artwork, he's quite a good photographer and sent me samples of his work. Any Ideas, Irelans, about the best way to go about such a thing and where...what forum?

 

hello gerry1,ye boats left earth.......or spaced out..

 

LOCOENG that joke about steeve aint nice the guy died and you decide to take the p!ss wasnt very nice

@ireland with all the jokes here you could make a joke book lol,
at first i thorght you made a thread that only you could reply to :O and then i saw other people replying

anyways continue your joke session

 

Damn, Ireland, that it awesome!! May I use it please? I really need to learn how to do that sort of thing! ...I've got this nice fancy Wacom Pallet and pen I seldom use except in in just the basic stuff in Photoshop elements. A friend who taught photoshop at Moore College of Art always said that if he could draw on top of his photoshop and Corel pain/draw skills, he'd be head and shoulders about the others. It seemed like fun and I wanted to learn but he moved out of town. There has got to be some good learning tools on disc instead of a book.

 

gerry1 its ye drawing not mine.. only added stuff to make ye pix stand out.. to see if ye liked it that way......its yours..

 

Thanks Ireland!

Edit: [bold]Damn, that is so cool! Thanks again, Ireland![/bold]

 

ireland your quite good at all this picture editing stuff have you got any tutorials threads?

 

sorry i have no guides,i been doing this stuff since win 95 days..
and most of what i learned was trial and error..

and its locked up in me head...and i am not very good at writing guides..and another reason i use different programs then most..
two example's,microsoft picture it version 1999 or 2000 and 2001
and microsoft digital image version 7,10 and 2006

i have all the good ones photoshop,gimp Corel Paint Shop Pro X and CorelDRAW® Graphics Suite 12 and a lot more..

 

hey your just like me i dont use one program to make a picture i us about 3-6 programs using copy and payste :0 and dont underjudge mspaint.exe it can be quite useful to do easy stuff quick

 

HUGE PHOTOSHOP RESOURCE DOWNLOAD LIST

i think the links still work i can not post them all,its a start

also here
http://good-tutorials.com


HUGE PHOTOSHOP RESOURCE DOWNLOAD LIST
Download 1000's Free CD/DVD Cover's - no fuss HERE
http://www.atncentral.com/Zip_Actions/Kents_Grundge.ZIP

Great Tutorials for the Beginner
http://www.photoshophow.com

3-D Painter
Mike Warren's new action gives a 3D painted look to an image.
http://www.atncentral.com/Zip_Actions/mike_w_3d_painter_atn.zip

Airbrushing Action set
This will keep you busy for awhile. Ronald Clercx explains: Because I am a graphic designer, not an illustrator, I've marveled at people who could do airbrush effects, which are very hard to achieve manually. So I developed at action set that should make it easier.

The actions are not one-click run-stop actions. They guide an iterative process. Along with the actions, download Ronald's notes and tips.
http://www.atncentral.com/Zip_Actions/Airbrushing_by_Ronald_Clercx.zip
http://www.atncentral.com/PDF/About_AirbrushActions.pdf

Alabaster Portrait
Feivel's exciting new action is designed for portraits. The rollover provides a dramatic before and after demonstration. If high tone portraits cause you high anxiety, stay away. But if a distinctive, romantic portrait look is what you're after, you'll find it here.
http://www.atncentral.com/Zip_Actions/AlabasterPortrait.zip

AutoColor
On some images, Photoshop's auto color adjustment does a great job, but on others, it doesn't come close. Shane's action takes a different approach, by separating light, dark, and mid-range tones and applying individual color correction. It doesn't work on all images, but try it on under saturated natures and scenics. The last step in the action allows you to adjust opacity.
http://www.atncentral.com/Zip_Actions/auto-color.zip

Cartoon Action
Maureen stumbled across this technique for turning a photo into a cartoon or comic. Sharon was kind enough to offer to put it into an atn format for her, so it could be submitted here.
http://www.atncentral.com/Zip_Actions/Maredas_Cartoon.zip

Comix Actions
Two actions—monochrome and color— that turn photos into comic book images with an outline, shadow and a blank layer to paint in solid colors (or hide to show the photos true colors). The size of the image effects the detail level, larger images will have more details.
http://www.atncentral.com/Zip_Actions/Comix_Actions.zip

Custom Vignette 2.0
Galen Evans originally designed this subtle effect designed for Canon RAW images of 2052x3076, but this revision allows you to adjust the action for an image of any size. After inviting you to select an area of interest, it darkens the remaining area, throws it slightly out of focus, and adds contrast to the subject. Here's a technique I saw at Wisconsin Public Television recently: On a portrait, select the eyes and, at the end of the action, reduce opacity to diminish the effect.
http://www.atncentral.com/Zip_Actions/Custom_Vignette_v2.0.zip

Dave Beaman's Ethereal Glow
This small action has been getting a lot of action on dpreview recently. The rollover shows what it does with a color photo, but try it with a black and white as well. Thanks to Feivel for sending Dave to this site.
http://www.atncentral.com/Zip_Actions/Ethereal_Glow.zip

Dave's IR Actions
Dave Jaseck recreates infrared looks in digital imaging with this set of actions. There's plenty of opportunity for you to tweak the image to get far out ... or way in.
http://www.atncentral.com/Zip_Actions/Dave's_IR.zip

Dave's Simplifier v.2
From Dave Jaseck, an updated version one of my favorite actions. Simplifier provides a painted effect by eliminating unimportant color detail. Don't confuse this with posterization. The histogram shows a lot of detail, rather than a staircase effect.
http://www.atncentral.com/Zip_Actions/Daves_Simplifier_v2.zip

Dodging and Burning
A straightforward approach to dodging and burning that creates two adjustment layers, one for each effect. You paint on the layer masks in black or white (white adds the effect, while black erases it) ... then adjust the opacity for the degree of dodging or burning you wish. In the example, the burn layer is at 100%, while the dodge layer is 22%.
http://www.atncentral.com/Zip_Actions/Dodging_Burning.zip

Dragan Action
Mike Warren created an action to show what can be done using various layers of the original (in Soft Light, Hard Light and Color Burn Mode along with a Curve Adjustment layer) layered over a Tritone conversion. The Tritone creates a grayscale image and adds a colorcast. You can adjust the curve in the Black to control contrast and shadow details-experiment with this on different images. The other two colors affect the overall tone; adjust these colors to taste. Load the Action, open the file named Original Run Action, and use the Burn tool to emphasize wrinkles
http://www.atncentral.com/Zip_Actions/MW_Dragan_Action.zip

Dragan Monochrome
Mike found that many of you were using his Dragan action for monochrome images. To retain the full dynamic range, he's developed this action that draganizes color images and converts them to mono in one step.
http://www.atncentral.com/Zip_Actions/MW_BW.zip

Draganizer
Sharon has developed an action version of the Dragan effect that has been the subject of much discussion on dpreview.com. Experiment with this approach and with Kent Christiansen's “Grundge Effect” on this site and use the one that gets the closest to the effect you're trying to achieve. Other examples are available at this link.
http://www.atncentral.com/Zip_Actions/Draganizer.zip

Edgarian Blur
Howard Owen has produced an attractive blur action for portraits and named it for the man who described the technique, Albert Edgar, PhD., in the January, 2001 issue of PEI . "This effect uses mathematically related Gaussian blurs and fades to produce a misty, dreamlike blur," Howard writes. I concur. Instructions in the action.
http://www.atncentral.com/Zip_Actions/Edgarian_Blur_2.0.zip

Emboss Glow
Mike Warren's action does what it claims, embossing the detail and embellishing it with a wonderful glow. Use it as-is or apply it to a background copy on which you reduce opacity. If you do that, you can also play with blending modes to achieve a different effect.
http://www.atncentral.com/Zip_Actions/MikeW_emboss_glow.zip

Glamor Blur
Glamor Blur does what its name suggests. After flattening the image, it blurs skin tone but, by finding edges, keeps details such as hair in place. As a variation with a complex background to which you don't want the blur applied, select the face with a slight feather, select inverse, cut, rename this as a new document, run the action on it, then copy it into the original document as a new layer, and apply darken mode.
http://www.atncentral.com/Zip_Actions/glamblur.zip

Gothic Glow
Gothic Glow gives a glowing and feathering effect to an image. It can be applied to either the entire image or to just a selection, depending on which version of the action you select.
http://www.atncentral.com/Zip_Actions/gothicglow.zip

Grundge Effect Action
Kent reports that this action is more of a "tutorial" of a way to achieve a grundge type effect on people shots rather than a 'shortcut' to a Dragan style. He suggests that users control click through the action checking out each step. Begin with a well exposed image in which none of the channels are blown out. The action allows for several user-chosen modes, yet the defaults should work well on good images.
http://www.atncentral.com/Zip_Actions/Kents_Grundge.ZIP




LensBlur
This action mimics the effect of the popular “LensBaby,” which Kent urges you to try because no Photoshop effect can duplicate it entirely. The action has 3 main aspects: A motion and radial blur; a noise and chromatic aberration routine; and a vignette. You can use the first action alone or in any combination. The noise and CA part is written for both CS or earlier versions of PS. It has built in flexibility and is not a 'one click' action, although running just the first action is quick and gets good results. Kent suggests trying the default settings at first, then experimenting. He thanks Danny R for help in crafting the action and Pam R for her insights on the actual effect and the vignette idea.
http://www.atncentral.com/Zip_Actions/Kent_slensblur-djr-pr.zip

Midnight Action Collection
Dave Jaseck has pulled his four popular "midnight" actions together into one set--Midnight Blue, Gold, Sepia--and the new Midnight Black. These at last equal and may surpass some commercial filters designed to achieve the same effects. The color tone can be adjusted by putting an action stop at the color balance step.
Also included is an Elements2 version for use with Ling's snapAction interface. The .atn files go into Elements's "Presets/Photoshop Actions" folder. The .xml file goes into Elements's "HTMLPalettes/Recipes/LUI/add" folder. Then run snapActions and you should see "Menu: Dave Jasecks's Midnight actions" on the Left. Move it to the Right and hit Generate.
http://www.atncentral.com/Zip_Actions/Midnight_Action_Collection.zip

Midnight Sepia, v.2
I am convinced that Dave Jaseck never sleeps. Lucky thing for us. Dave has updated his favorite action, Midnight Sepia, to overcome issues reported to him in version 1 with certain types of images.
http://www.atncentral.com/Zip_Actions/MidnightSepiav2.zip

Paint with Light
Chip's action creates two layers, Use both layers to bring out this dynamic effect. Grab a white brush (10-15% opacity) to paint Light on the Color Dodge layer. Grab a black brush (10-15% opacity) to add shadows and bring out the drama with the Color Burn Shadow layer. You may need to use higher opacity brushes on some pictures. If using a Wacom tablet, you may also want to adjust flow control.
http://www.atncentral.com/Zip_Actions/Paint_with_Light.zip

Paint with Light II
Chip's Paint with Light II will bring out details in shadows and highlights. It is similar to his other PWL action, but does not use the burn modes, leaving a more natural, but equally dramatic look—especially effective for black and white. Run the action, pick a soft black or white brush, and start painting. You can also use it as a gray layer for adding filters such as texturizing. Play with different layer modes to alter effects.
http://www.atncentral.com/Zip_Actions/Paint_W_Light_II.zip

Portrait Effect
This action desaturates a portrait and gives you control over degree of saturation, contrast, background blur and soft focus.
http://www.atncentral.com/Zip_Actions/portrait_effect.zip

Sepiatone
Another action from Andy Purviance, this uses a duotone approach to create a sepiatone effect.
http://www.atncentral.com/Zip_Actions/Sepiatone.zip

 

woah did you type that all because if you did you type faster then me :0 my m8s think i type well fast but you type really really fast :0

thanks a lot for all them programs i might download a few when i can get my hardrive working (if ever) i love animation and stuff so i susgest you use a program called 3d studio max (its what movie companies use to make cgi animations) it costs about 2000 pounds so i dont know anyone in there right mind who would pay for it.

 

glitchzoo

thats a copy and paste from my web site..

heres the link to 3d studio max

http://usa.autodesk.com/adsk/servlet/index?id=5659302&siteID=123112

 

whats your website then?

and i thorght it was anyway because to type all that in that time would be impossibal. by the way ireland where do you live? do you acually live in ireland?

 

born in ireland and now live in Pennsylvania.

i just put in a call for 3d studio max so i can check it out..

 

heres a trial of CorelDRAW Graphics Suite X3

download

http://www.corel.com/akdlm/6763/downloads/trials/GraphicsSuiteX3/EN/CorelDRAWGraphicsSuiteX3.exe

going to take a ireland power nap..
later

 

yeah i sort of went sleep aswell :S

anyways i got school now but try tthe 3ds max program you can do some amaysing 3d animations in there.

export to whatever reserlution you want.

 

gerry1,ye asked for it..

DRIVE-THRU CONFESSIONAL



The local parish had a fairly new priest. He had wonderful, innovative ideas that were, for the most part accepted by the congregation. His mentor, a "higher ranking" priest, came for a visit to see how he was doing.

After looking the parish over, the senior priest said, "Father John, your idea of a drive through confessional is wonderful. That makes it so convenient for your church members. And, Father John, it was a really good idea to have the confessional open 24 hours a day, for those who work "shift" work. However, Father John....that flashing neon sign that says 'TOOT and TELL or GO to HELL'....well, it has got to go!!"


NO EXCUSE SUNDAY



To make it possible for everyone to attend church on Sunday, we are proposing to have a special 'No Excuse Sunday.'

1. Cots will be placed in the foyer for those who say, "Sunday is my only day to sleep in."

2. They will have steel helmets for those who say, "The roof will cave in if I ever came to church."

3. Blankets will be furnished for those who say it is too cold and fans for those who say it is too hot.

4. There will be hearing aids for those who say, "The pastor speaks too softly," and cotton for those who say, "He preaches too loudly."

5 Scorecards will be available for those who wish to list the hypocrites present.

6. Some relatives will be in attendance for those who like to go visiting on Sunday.

7. There will be TV dinners for those who can't go to church and cook dinner too.

8. Golf clubs will be available for practice swings for those who like to golf on Sunday.




10 SIGNS YOU'RE IN FOR A LONG SUNDAY SERMON



10. There's a case of bottled water beside the pulpit in a cooler.

9. The pews have camper hookups.

8. You overhear the pastor telling the sound man to have a few (dozen!) extra tapes on hand to record today's sermon.

7. The preacher has brought a snack to the pulpit.

6. The preacher breaks for an intermission.

5. The bulletins have pizza delivery menus.

4. When the preacher asks the deacon to bring in his notes, he rolls in a filing cabinet.

3. The choir loft is furnished with La-Z-Boys.

2. Instead of taking off his watch and laying it on the pulpit, the preacher turns up a four-foot hour-glass.

1. The minister says, "You'll be out in time to watch the Super Bowl" but it's only July!



THINGS TO DO WHEN JEHOVAH WITNESSES VISIT YOU



1. Answer the door naked and carrying weaponry.

2. Pretend to be the slowest talking person in the world and see how long their spirit of Christian charity lasts.

3. Answer every one of their questions with "What do you mean by that?" This might take a while, but you and your loved ones can have fun placing bets on how long it takes for them to get flustered and leave.

4. Ask them to explain the story of Elisha and the Forty two children. You may have to resort to another method to actually get rid of them, but this will definitely make them sweat.

5. Excuse yourself from the front door and DO NOT come back.

6. Make a series of increasingly reprehensible fake phone calls - your bookie, order for pornography, drug deal, obscene call, and if they are STILL there, a tearful confession to the police for the murder of the last Witnesses who visited you.

7. Pick an often repeated word in their vocabulary (God, Jesus, heaven, it, the etc.) and giggle whenever they utter it. If they ask you what's going on, say "nothing, why?" in very even tones, and giggle again.

8. Same as above, except say "beep" instead of giggling.

9. Guys - part way through, begin putting on make-up, hosiery, a dress, the whole works. Make encouraging noises (uh huh, I see...) throughout and if they ask you what you're doing, pull a #7. If they're still there when you are done, ask them if they would please kindly leave as you have a hot date in ten minutes.

10. Look smug and tell them that your God can beat up their God.