Ireland's And All Members Jokes And Picture Thread For All Days Of The Week

CHOIR PROFICIENCY TEST



In order to measure your level of proficiency as a choir member, the following test has been carefully developed by experts. Read and reflect on each situation and then select the option that will enhance the quality of the performance.

1. You are entering the choir loft on Sunday morning and suddenly trip and fall down. You should:

a. Assume a kneeling position and break into fervent prayer.
b. Pretend that you've had a heart attack.
c. Crawl into the nearest chair.
d. Begin speaking in tongues.

2. You are a soprano and count incorrectly. As a result you boom out a high "C" one measure too soon. You should:

a. Slide into an inspired "O For a Thousand Tongues to Sing."
b. Look triumphant and hold on to the note.
c. Stop abruptly in mid squawk but keep your lips moving.
d. Sink to the floor in shame.

3. After all those long hard choir rehearsals, you show up twenty minutes late for the Christmas musical. You should:

a. Climb into the back row of the choir from the baptistery.
b. Enter pretending to be a soundman checking cables and then suddenly slip yourself into the choir.
c. Turn the lights out in the church and slip into the choir during the blackout.
d. Read M. Stephen's pamphlet "Techniques for Tardy Appearances."

4. While singing, you discover you have only one page of a two page hymn. You should:

a. Hum for your life.
b. Sing "watermelon, watermelon, watermelon."
c. Try to get another hymnal out of the choir rack with your feet.
d. Sing the first page over again.

5. Inevitably that dreaded big sneeze occurs toward the end of the choir special. You should:

a. As you sneeze, come down hard on your neighbor's foot to create a diversion.
b. Try to make it harmonize.
c. Sneeze into the hair of the choir member in front of you to muffle the noise.
d. Sink to the floor in shame.

Count the number of A's, B's, C's, and D's you checked and find your proficiency rating below:

4 or more A's...there is nothing more you need to know to be a first rate choir member.
4 or more B's...your church choir reflexes are fully developed and you should do well in choir.
4 or more C's...your church choral experience is spotty but your team spirit is on target. You will be an asset to most any choir.
4 or more D's...it is recommended you take soccer or group therapy counseling.

 

DIFFERENT ROOMS



A man arrives at the gates of heaven. St. Peter asks, "Religion?"

The man says, "Methodist."

St. Peter looks down his list, and says, "Go to room 24, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."

Another man arrives at the gates of heaven. "Religion?"

"Baptist."

"Go to room 18, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."

A third man arrives at the gates. "Religion?"

"Jewish." "Go to room 11, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."

The man says, "I can understand there being different rooms for different religions, but why must I be quiet when I pass room 8?"

St. Peter tells him, "Well the Catholics are in room 8, and they think they're the only ones here."

 

THE LOCK



The temporary Sunday School teacher was struggling to open a combination lock on the supply cabinet. She had been told the combination, but couldn't quite remember it. Finally she went to the pastor's study and asked for help.

The pastor came into the room and began to turn the dial. After the first two numbers he paused and stared blankly for a moment. Finally he look serenely heavenward and his lips moved silently. Then he looked back at the lock, and quickly turned to the final number, and opened the lock.

The teacher was amazed. "I'm in awe at your faith, pastor," she said.

"It's really nothing," he answered. "The number is on a piece of tape on the ceiling."



TAKING IT WITH YOU



There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.

An angel hears his plea and appears to him. "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you."

The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules. The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.

Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter.

St. Peter seeing the suitcase says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!"

But, the man explains to St. Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord.

Sure enough, St. Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through."

St. Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, "You brought pavement?!"



PREACHER AND THE COWBOY



One Sunday a cowboy went to church. When he entered, he saw that he and the preacher were the only ones present.

The preacher asked the cowboy if he wanted him to go ahead and preach.

The cowboy said, "I'm not too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I'd feed him."

So the minister began his sermon. One hour passed, then two hours, then two-and-a-half hours. The preacher finally finished and came down to ask the cowboy how he liked the sermon.

The cowboy answered slowly, "Well, I'm not very smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I sure wouldn't feed him all the hay..."


THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR IN CHURCH



- "Hey! It's my turn to sit in the front pew."

- "I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went 25 minutes over time."

- "Personally, I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf."

- "I've decided to give our church the $500 a month I used to send to TV evangelists."

- "I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class."

- "Forget the denominational minimum salary, let's pay our pastor so he can live like we do."

- "I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard before!"

- "Since we're all here, let's start the service early."

- "Pastor, we'd like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas."

- "Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like our annual stewardship campaign!"




THE PASTOR'S PLIGHT



The pastor of a church is in a precarious position; he can't please everyone! It has been said:

* If he is young, he lacks experience; if his hair is grey, he's too old for the young people.

* If he has several children, he has too many; if he has no children, he's setting a bad example.

* If he preaches from his notes, he has canned sermons and is too dry; if he doesn't use notes, he has not studied and is not deep.

* If he is attentive to the poor people in the church, they claim he is playing to the grandstand; if he pays attention to the wealthy, he is trying to be an aristocrat.

* If he suggests changes for improvement of the church, he is a dictator; if he makes no suggestions, he is a figurehead.

* If he uses too many illustrations, he neglects the Bible; if he doesn't use enough illustrations, he isn't clear.

* If he condemns wrong, he is cranky; if he doesn't preach against sin, he's a compromiser.

* If he fails to please somebody, he's hurting the church and ought to leave; if he tries to please everyone, he is a fool.

* If he preaches about money, he's a money grabber; if he doesn't preach spiritual giving, he is failing to develop the people.

* If he drives an old car, he shames his congregation; if he drives a new car, he is setting his affection on earthly things.

* If he preaches all the time, the people get tired of hearing one man; if he invites guest speakers, he is shirking his responsibility.

* If he receives a large salary, he's mercenary; if he receives only a small salary, it proves he isn't worth much anyway.


BLESSINGS



Charlie was a regular visitor at the racetrack. One afternoon he noticed an unusual sight. Right before the first race, a Catholic priest visited one of the horses in the stable area and gave it a blessing. Charlie watched the horse race very carefully, and sure enough the blessed horse came in first!

Charlie followed the priest before the next race, and again the priest went to the stables and performed a similar procedure.

Charlie played a hunch and put a couple of dollars on the blessed horse. Sure enough, the blessed horse came in by two lengths and Charlie won close to fifty bucks! The priest continued the same procedure through the next few races and Charlie won each time. He was now ahead $1000 so between races Charlie left the track and went to the bank and withdraw his life's savings, $20,000.

The biggest race of the day was the last one. Charlie followed the priest and watched carefully which horse he blessed. He then went to the betting window and put his whole $21000 bundle of cash on that horse to win. Then Charlie went out to watch the horses' race. Down the stretch they came and as they crossed the finish line, the horse Charlie's fortune was bet on fell over and died on the race track.

Charlie was crushed. He located the priest and told him that he had been watching him bless the horses all day and they all became winners except the last horse on which he had bet his life savings.

Charlie then asked, "What happened to the last horse which you blessed? Why didn't it win like the others?"

"That's the trouble with you Protestants," sighed the priest, "you never can tell the difference between a blessing and the Last Rites."

 

YOU MIGHT BE A PREACHER IF...



* Everybody stops talking when you enter the room.

* You've ever "fudged" the truth at a funeral.

* You always read the obituaries.

* You've ever suffered anxiety attack while playing Bible Trivia Pursuit.

* You wonder why people who have some time to kill want to spend it with you.

* You get your second wind when you say "And in conclusion·"

* The ideas you bounce off board members really do.

* Your car tires are balding faster than your head.

* You wish someone would steal some of your sheep.

* You've seen more religion at a pool hall than you've seen at a Church cricket match.

* Your Bible has more side notes than printed text.

* "Annual Church Meeting" and "Armageddon" are one and the same to you.

* You jiggle all the toilet handles before you leave the church building.

 

MODERN DAY PRAYERS



* Lord help me to relax about insignificant details beginning tomorrow at 7:41:23 am PST.

* God help me to consider people's feelings, even if most of them ARE hypersensitive.

* God help me to take responsibility for my own actions, even though they're usually NOT my fault.

* God, help me to not try to RUN everything. But, if You need some help, please feel free to ASK me!

* Lord, help me to be more laid back, and help me to do it EXACTLY right.

* God help me to take things more seriously, especially laughter, parties, and dancing.

* God give me patience, and I mean right NOW!

* Lord help me not be a perfectionist. (Did I spell that correctly?)

* God, help me to finish everything I sta

* God, help me to keep my mind on one th -- Look, a bird -- ing at a time.

* God help me to do only what I can, and trust you for the rest. And would you mind putting that in writing?

* Lord keep me open to others' ideas, WRONG though they may be.

* Lord help me be less independent, but let me do it my way.

* Lord help me follow established procedures today. On second thought, I'll settle for a few minutes.

* Lord, help me slow down andnotrushthroughwhatIdo.

Amen.

 

GOD'S BILLBOARDS



"God's Billboards" are getting everyone's attention in Dallas. Here's a list of all variations of the "God Speaks" billboards. The billboards are a simple black background with white text. No fine print or sponsoring organization is included.

* Let's meet at my house Sunday before the game. -God

* C'mon over and bring the kids. -God

* What part of "Thou Shalt Not..." didn't you understand? -God

* We need to talk. -God

* Keep using my name in vain, I'll make rush hour longer. -God

* Loved the wedding, invite me to the marriage. -God

* That "Love Thy Neighbor" thing... I meant it. -God

* I love you and you and you and you and... -God

* Will the road you're on get you to my place? -God

* Follow me. -God

* Big bang theory, you've got to be kidding. -God

* My way is the highway. -God

* Need directions? -God

* You think it's hot here? -God

* Have you read my #1 best seller? There will be a test. -God

* Do you have any idea where you're going? -God

* Don't make me come down there. -God

 

NOAH'S ARK



The Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In six months I am going to make it rain until the whole world is covered with water and all the evil things are destroyed. But, I want to save a few good people and two of every living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build an ark." And, in a flash of lightning, he delivered the specifications for the ark.

"OK," Noah said, trembling with fear and fumbling with the blueprints, "I'm your man."

Six months passed, the sky began to cloud up, and the rain began to fall in torrents. The Lord looked down and saw Noah sitting in his yard, weeping, and there was no ark.

"Noah!" shouted the Lord, "Where is My ark?" A lightning bolt crashed into the ground right beside Noah.

"Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best, but there were some big problems. First, I had to get a building permit for the ark's construction, but Your plans did not meet their code. So, I had to hire an engineer to redo the plans, only to get into a long argument with him about whether to include a sprinkler system. My neighbors objected, claiming that I was violating zoning ordinances by building the ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning board. Then, I had a big problem getting enough wood for the ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists and the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service that I needed the wood to save the owls, but they wouldn't let me catch them, so no owls. Next, I started gathering up the animals but got sued by an animal rights group that objected to me taking along only two of each kind. Just when the suit got dismissed, the EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the ark without filling out an environmental impact statement on Your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the Supreme Being. Then, the Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed flood plan. I sent them a globe! Right now, I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission over how many minorities I'm supposed to hire. The IRS has seized all my assets claiming that I am trying to leave the country, and I just got a notice from the state that I owe some kind of use tax. Really, I don't think I can finish the ark in less than five years."

With that, the sky cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you are not going to destroy the world?" he asked hopefully.

"No," said the Lord. "The government already has."

 

RELIGIOUS BRAS



A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's, one of the largest department store chains. He shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."

"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.

"Type?" inquires the man, "There is more than one type?"

"Look Around," said the saleslady, as she showed him a sea of bras in every shape, size color and material. Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras," replied the salesclerk.

Confused, the man asked what were the types.

The saleslady replied, "The Catholic type, the Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?"

Still confused the man asked, "What is the difference between them?"

The lady responded, "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills."

 

LMAO....Lord how I love religion jokes!

 

gerry1
i have a couple 100 of RELIGIOUS JOKES
to meny to post..
i picked some of the good ones to post for ye,
enjoy



MY SON



These four catholic crones were having coffee. The first catholic woman tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third catholic crone says, "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, he's called 'Your Eminence'."

Since the fourth catholic woman sips her coffee in silence, the first three give her this subtle "Well...?" look.

So she says, "My son is 6'2"; he has broad, square shoulders, he's terribly handsome and dresses very well. Whenever he walks into a room, women say, 'Oh, my God!'"

 

good jokes although im not a fan of religion jokes (because i dont find them that funny :'( ) good going anyway ireland.

 

THE GOOD DEED GONE BAD



A guy is at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted, while St. Peter is leafing through the "Big Book" to see if the guy is worthy of entering.

Saint Peter goes through the book several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you did anything really good in your life, but you never did anything bad, either. If you can convince me of one REALLY good thing you think you did in your life, you're in."

The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Yeah, there was this one time I was driving down the road and saw this group of really scary guys torturing a poor girl. I slowed down, stopped, got out of my car, grabbed a tire iron out from my trunk, and walked straight up to the leader of the gang--a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his ear to his nose. As I approached him, the gang formed a circle around me. So, I ripped the chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor, innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!' "

St. Peter was impressed and says, "Really? And when did this happen?"

"Oh, about ten minutes ago."

 

good one ireland
o and by the way i have an annowncment:

i made afterdawn bleed :'(

muhahahahahahahah

 

he,he ye mis-spelled color,yours [/colour]

mine=color

 

cool its not my fault i was orn without the capabuilitys to spell :'(

o and maby you should get afterdawn a plaster because its bleading :0

hey ireland is the site running slow for you its taking me ages to load a page

 

pages are loading good for me and i am on comcast..around 6000kbps

check ye speed here if in the states

http://www.speakeasy.net/speedtest/

 

Farting Guide

The art of farting is practiced by many, perfected by few. Perfecting the art of farting is a somewhat long, difficult but rewarding road to travel down. It is the symphony of foods and body function that causes this reaction we all long to occur. This guide teaches you the methods and mind set used by some of the worlds leading fartology organizations.

1. Your mood will play a major role in farting. Having an "I can't do it!" frame of mind will not accomplish anything. When it comes down to those final moments when its release or hold time, you just have to repeat again and again, "Just let it happen... its ok..."

2. Diet is another heavy influencer. If you're a grazer (or vegetarian as they preferred to be called) you're partly on your way. If you're older and are using shit assistance substances such as prune juice, you too have a good start. The real winners are your average North American men. Statistically Sunday is prime time nation wide for fart releases. Not only fart releases, but the cream of the crop, wake up the neighbours farts. Why is this? Have a look at the diet of a typical American male aged between 20 and 30 watching football on TV... Peanuts, chips, beer, can someone say, fart city? Its about evaluating your diet, removing the foods that don't assist farting, and focusing on the ones that do.

3. Important, yet largely unexplored scientifically is the fart event position and location. These two variables can make or break a fart taking it from a stellar world class event, down to an unmentionable discouragement. Try telling a world class pianist that they must perform standing, or telling a tuba player he must lay down during their performance. Farting is no different, it requires positioning that best maximizes the bodies ability to expel gas. Location of the fart event sets the scene and adds emotions such as amusement (elevator farts), excitement (bus farts) and challenge (church farts). Lets travel forth and delve into the world of position and location...


Leg Lift "Elevator" Position
Standing upright with a slight curve to the back, lift either leg (almost like doing the jig, except with your leg off to the side - never to the front) and allow the fart event to occur. This one is by far the most popular. Ranked best position for elevator farts for its ability to expel farts quickly and accurately between floors. The signature of a leg lifter in an elevator is the smile of glee on their face as they exit, as you unknowingly enter.

Pros: Amusement of only being able to guess how many floors the unknowing new occupants must endure. High buildings that you will most likely not visit again are a bonus.

Cons: After a successful execution of the fart, you leave the elevator and the unknowing others enter, which is fine. However, you realize you are on the wrong floor and must re-enter the same elevator. Truly a bad call.


"Imperial" Throne Position
Just a reminder that your mind associates this position with a lack of bodily control. This one involves sitting, squatting or bending down into a huddled position. Some of the worlds most fermented and catastrophic farts were achieved using this very position. Think of it as a game of leap frog, but without the leaping (or at least voluntarily).

Pros: Incredible leverage, captures the true potential of the fart.

Cons: Similar to when taking a shit, which could confuse mind and cause "dyer" consequences. This one in the car in a new suit on route to a job interview is not recommended.


Wal-Mart Fart Position
There have been so many reports of this position and its success of creating "brown air" that have won it accolades world wide. Shop as you normally would at Wal-Mart. Locate a desired purchase (at least the weight of say, a clothes detergent box) at the bottom shelf in an unoccupied isle. As you are lifting the heavy load in a squatting position, let the magic happen. You will be pleasantly surprised. At first you may point out the similarities to the throne position, but you will be in awe by what the additional weight load achieves. Weight lifters doing squats after a heavy meal know how well weight can affect fartage potency and volume.

Pros: Due to the narrow, almost encapsulating design of the isles, farts can remain lingering for hours after initial production. Many more people can enjoy their shopping due to your efforts versus the leg lift position.

Cons: Eager and usually frantic discount shoppers change isles with a furor only matched by 9am shoppers at a department store boxing day blow out sale. This can result in a by standard surprise attack and the very terrible mission abort consequence.


Power Arching
Lean your hands onto a counter top or table (or if available, hang onto your towel rack) while arching your back. If this is difficult for you to visualize, think back to your last visit to the car repair shop. Similar to the "ass pounding" position you take when getting the quote to have your car's transmission replaced. Power arching is excellent for "customer service" counters at department stores; local Radio Shack stores when reaching over and examining an expensive and ridiculous keychain that has a flashlight, time telling in 12 languages, compass and calculator all in one; a supermarket you do not usually visit.

Pros: The arching of the back allows your power conduit to be fully utilized. Less conspicuous than the Throne Position.

Cons: A warning to people with small houses or apartments: power arching in the small confines of a room in your house has been known to cause carpet, wall and even ceiling damage. Even more so, lasting damage to newly blossoming relationships with girlfriends and not so blossoming marriages.


All positions and locations have their pros and cons, it is the duty of an aspiring fart master to leverage the situations and environments available to him or her. With a bit of thoughtful planning you can start off the day with some power arching in the library; do a bit of leg lifting at the food court for lunch; and wind up the day with an all out assault on your senses with a satisfying throne position fart in the car on the way home. Remember, its all about position, location and a "can-do" attitude!



THIS is my worst fear...now ye all get to share this pix...

 

Farting People

The Vain Person
One who loves the smell of his own farts.

The Amiable Person
One who loves the smell of other people's farts.

The Proud Person
One who thinks his farts are exceptionable fine.

The Shy Person
One who releases silent farts then blushes.

The Imprudent Person
One who boldly farts out loud, and then laughs.

The Unfortunate Person
One who tries hard to fart, but shits instead.

The Scientific Person
One who farts frequently, but is truly concerned for the environment.

The Nervous Person
One who stops in the middle of a fart.

The Honest Person
One who admitted he farted, but offers a good medical reason.

The Dishonest Person
One who farts but blames the dog.

The Foolish Person
One who suppresses a fart for hours and hours.

The Thrifty Person
One who always has several farts in reserve.

The Anti-Social Person
One who excuses himself and farts in complete privacy.

The Strategic Person
One who conceals his farts with loud coughing.

The Sadistic Person
One who farts in bed and then fluffs the covers over his bedmate.

The Intelligent Person
One who can determine from the smell of his neighbor's fart, precisely the latest food items consumed.

 

Employee Handbook

UPDATED EMPLOYEE HANDBOOK

DRESS CODE
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers, and carrying a $600 Gucci Bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

SICK DAYS
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

PERSONAL DAYS
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

RESTROOM USE
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.

LUNCH BREAK
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation, and input should be directed elsewhere.

Have a nice week!

THE MANAGEMENT

 

LMAO!!!!