Ireland's And All Members Jokes And Picture Thread For All Days Of The Week

Message for ireland
___________________

Regarding your: HUGE PHOTOSHOP RESOURCE DOWNLOAD LIST
( your post on page 16 of this thread__10. September 2006 @18:32 )
I'd like to know why you didn't provide the link to the
FREE download for PHOTOSHOP 3 ??
Just call me Mr. Curious !!

_______________________________________________________
Signed: Robert Singletary__Saturday October 14, 2006__1:32 A.M.
(eastern standard time) USA

 

Lmao @ The Farting Guide, ireland.

 

ZCONCEPT AND ALL
ZCONCEPT YOUR ANSWER


Adobe Trial Downloads of photoshop fireworks and a ton more.

Register and download
Adobe membership is free and registration only takes a minute. As a member, you will have access to trial downloads, hundreds of free product extensions, and special community areas. Your membership also allows you to view and manage your activity in the Adobe Worldwide Store.

If you are a returning customer, please sign in. If you do not have a password, you can create one now. You can now log-in with either your Macromedia or Adobe ID and password.

CLICK HERE
http://www.macromedia.com/cfusion/tdrc/index.cfm?product=fireworks

WHEN THERE,THERE WEB SITE LINK IS PHOOEY RIGHT CLICK MY ABOVE LINK
TO GET THE PROPER LINK..

HERES THERE PHOOEY LINK,
https://www.adobe.com/cfusion/tdrc/index.cfm?product=fireworks

 

Message for ireland
___________________

Thanks for your detailed response and hope you placed this
exact bit of info on your original post. Why ?? Well, I feel
your original long list of PHOTOSHOP links will be seen by
more people than those viewing this later post. You are doing
a great job with all the information provided on this long thread.
Keep it up and you'll continue on the road to glory !!

________________________________________________________
Signed: Robert Singletary__Saturday October 14, 2006__6:44 P.M.
(eastern standard time) USA

 

How To Create: (1) Bureaucracy; (2) Policy; (3) Procedure

1. Start with a cage containing five apes. In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put stairs under it. Before long, an ape will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the Banana.

2. As soon as the ape touches the stairs, spray all of the apes with cold water. After a while, another ape makes an attempt with the same result-all the apes are sprayed with cold water.

3. Turn off the cold water. If, later, another ape tries to climb the stairs, the other apes will try to prevent it even though no water sprays them.

4. Now, remove one ape from the cage and replace it with a new one. The New ape sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his horror, all of the other apes attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.

5. Next, remove another of the original five apes and replace it with a New one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous Newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm.

6. Again, replace a third original ape with a new one. The new one makes it to the stairs and is attacked as well. Two of the four apes that beat him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs, or why they are participating in the beating of the newest ape.

7. After replacing the fourth and fifth original apes, all the apes which have been sprayed with cold water have been replaced. Nevertheless, no ape ever again approaches the stairs. Why not? "BECAUSE that's the way it's always been done around here."

 

You know you're experiencing stress when...

- You can achieve a "runners high" by sitting up.

- The sun is too loud.

- You are missing several days from this week.

- Trees begin to chase you.

- You can see individual air molecules vibrating.

- You wonder if brewing is *really* a necessary step for the consumption of coffee.

- You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you've said it before.

- You can hear mimes.

- Things become "very clear." Everything is "very clear, indeed."

- You ask the drive-thru attendant if you can get your order to go.

- Your heart beats in 7/8 time.

- You and reality file for divorce.

- You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you've said it before.

- It appears that people are speaking to you in binary code.

- You can travel without moving.

- Antacid tablets become your sole source of nutrition.

- You discover the aesthetic beauty of office supplies.

- You begin to talk to yourself, then disagree about the subject, get into a nasty tiff over it, lose, and refuse to speak to yourself for a week.

 

Training Courses Now Available for Men

1. Introduction to Common Household Objects I: The Mop

2. Introduction to Common Household Objects II: The Sponge

3. Dressing Up: Beyond the Funeral and the Wedding

4. Refrigerator Forensics: Identifying and Removing the Dead

5. Design Pattern or Splatter Stain on the Linoleum?: You CAN Tell the Difference!

6. If It's Empty, You Can Throw It Away: Accepting Loss I

7. If the Milk Expired Three Weeks Ago, Keeping It In the Refrigerator won't Bring It Back: Accepting Loss II

8. Going to the Supermarket: It's Not Just for Women Anymore!

9. Recycling Skills I: Boxes that the Electronics Came In

10. Recycling Skills II: Styrofoam that Came in the Boxes that the electronics Came In

11. Bathroom Etiquette I: How to Remove Beard Clippings from the Sink

12. Bathroom Etiquette II: Let's Wash Those Towels!

13. Bathroom Etiquette III: Five Easy Ways to Tell When You're About to run Out of Toilet Paper!

14. Giving Back to the Community: How to Donate 15-Year-Old Levis to the Goodwill

15. Retro? Or Just Hideous?: Re-examining Your 1970s Polyester Shirts

16. No, The Dishes Won't Wash Themselves: Knowing the Limitations of Your Kitchenware

17. Romance: More Than a Cable Channel!

18. Strange But True!: She Really May NOT Care What "Fourth Down and Ten" Means

19. Going Out to Dinner: Beyond the Pizza Hut

20. Expand Your Entertainment Options: Renting Movies That Don't Fall under the "Action/Adventure" Category

21. Yours, Mine, and Ours: Sharing the Remote

22. "I Could Have Played a Better Game Than That!": Why Women Laugh

23. Adventures in Housekeeping I: Let's Clean the Closet

24. Adventures in Housekeeping II: Let's Clean Under the Bed

25. "I Don't Know": Be the First Man to Say It!

26. The Gas Gauge in Your Car: Sometimes Empty MEANS Empty

27. Directions: It's Okay to Ask for Them

28. Listening: It's Not Just Something You Do During Halftime

29. Accepting Your Limitations: Just Because You Have Power Tools Doesn't Mean You Can Fix It

 

The Blonde Kidnapper

A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.

She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."

She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde."

The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"

 

Top Ten Signs You've Eaten Too Much

10.Hundreds of volunteers have started to stack sandbags around you.

9.Doctor tells you your weight would be perfect for a man 17 feet tall.

8.You are responsible for a slight but measurable shift in the earth's axis.

7.Right this minute you're laughing up pie on the carpet.

6.You decide to take a little nap and wake up in mid-July.

5.World's fattest man sends you a telegram, warning you to "back off!"

4. CBS tells you to lose weight or else.

3.Getting off your couch requires help from the fire department.

2.Every escalator you step on immediately grinds to a halt.

1.You're sweatin' gravy

 

YO MAMA'S SO FAT...

When she hauls ass she has to make two trips.

When she dances she makes the band skip.

When she was diagnosed with flesh eating disease, the doctor gave her 13 years to live.

She puts mayonnaise on aspirin.

Her ass has its own congressman.

Her cereal bowl came with a lifeguard.

When she goes to the zoo the elephants throw her peanuts.

Her high school graduation picture was an aerial photograph.

Her driver's license says "Picture continued on other side."

The back of her neck looks like a pack of hot dogs.

"Place Your Ad Here" is printed on each of her butt cheeks.

All the restaurants in town have signs that say: "Maximum Occupancy:240 Patrons OR Yo Mama"

When she ran away, they had to use all four sides of the milk carton.

When she gets in an elevator, it HAS to go down.

She was born with a silver shovel in her mouth.

She's got smaller fat women orbiting around her.

When I yell "Kool-Aid," she comes crashing through the wall.

She could sell shade.

When she crosses the street, cars look out for her.

People jog around her for exercise.

I ran around her twice and got lost.

She gets runs in her jeans.

Her blood type is Ragu.

When she goes to a restaurant, she doesn't get a menu, she gets an estimate.

If she got her shoes shined, she'd have to take his word for it!

She has to put her belt on with a boomerang.

When she turns around, people throw her a welcome back party.

She can't even jump to a conclusion.

She went to the movies and sat next to everyone.

Her belly button doesn't have lint, it has sweaters.

I had to take 2 trains, a bus, and a cab just to get on her good side.

Robert Biggs

 

How To Catch An Elephant

As the title suggests, this is how to successfully catch an elephant:

First, you need to dig a hole in the ground that is capable of holding an elephant.

Fill the hole with ashes.

Line the hole with peas.

And when your elephant comes to take a pea, you kick him in the ash hole.




There were once three boys in a classroom called Zip, Dick and Pee. Their teacher went out of the classroom so they decided to get up to some mischeif. Zip got on top of the cupboard, Dick got inside and Pee jumped around outside. The teacher came back in and said, ''Zip down, Dick out and Pee in the corner!''




One day a man came home from work and told his wife, "Hon, I had the urge to put my thing in the pickle slicer."

"Oh, my God, you should get some help!" his wife said. The next day he came home.

"Hon, I had that urge again!"

"That's it! After work tomorrow, I'm taking you to a doctor!"

The third day he came home all depressed and said, "Hon, I finally did it."

"WHAT HAPPENED?"

"They fired me - and the pickle slicer too."




One day Pinocchio came to Gepetto with a problem.

"Every time I have sex with my girlfriend, she gets splinters. What can I do about this?"

"Have you tried sandpaper?" Pinocchio hadn't, so he went to try it.

"Pinnochio," said Gepetto a few weeks later. "How is the problem work out with your

"Girlfriend?" said Pinnochio. "Who needs a girlfriend when you have sandpaper?"

 

for those that think they have every thing



http://joe-ks.com/archives_mar2003/Leak.jpg

 

^^

LMAO!

 

Practice Safe Fax

Q. Do I have to be married to have safe fax?
A. Although married people fax often, there are many single people who fax complete strangers every day.

Q. How do I go about faxing a complete stranger?
A. Just ask them if they want to fax. If they do, they will give you their phone number.

Q. My parents say they never had fax when they were young, and were only allowed to write memo's to each other until they were 21. How old do you think someone should be before they can fax?
A. Faxing can be performed at any age once you learn the correct procedure.

Q. If I fax something to myself will I go blind?
A. Certainly not. As far as we can see.

Q. There is a place on our street where you can go and pay to fax. Is this legal?
A. Yes, many people have no other outlet for their fax drives and must pay a "professional" when their needs become too great.

Q. Should a cover always be used for faxing?
A. Unless you are really sure of the one you are faxing, a cover should always be used.

Q. What happens if I do the procedure incorrectly and fax prematurely?
A. Don't panic. Many people fax prematurely when they haven't faxed in a long time. Just start over, most people won't mind if you try again.

Q. I have a personal and a business fax. Can transmissions become mixed up?
A. Being bi-faxual can be confusing, but so long as you use a cover with each one you won't transmit anything you're not supposed to.

Q. Is getting faxed by one person the same as with another?
A. No. Even though many people (especially lawyers) would like you to believe that the longer they are faxing you the better you will like it. In reality the best fax is short, of high quality, and very graphic.

Q. There is a man I'd very much like to fax (I've tried several times) but he can't seem to keep his equipment up long enough. Is there any thing I can do to help him?
A. You could suggest that he contact a good fax therapist, such as Canon or Mitsubishi. If he refuses to take the suggestion, it would be best if you just wrote him off.

 

Professionals Test

This quiz consists of four questions that tells you whether or not you are qualified to be a professional. SCROLL DOWN FOR THE ANSWERS. There is no need to cheat. The questions are not that difficult. You just need to think like a professional.

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

















The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door. This question tests whether or not you are doing simple things in a complicated way.



2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

















Incorrect answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the door.
Correct answer: Open the refrigerator, take out of the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This question tests your foresight.



3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?

















Correct answer: The elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator! This tests if you are capable of comprehensive thinking. OK, if you did not answer the last three questions correctly, this one may be your last chance to test your qualifications to be a professional.



4. There is a river that is known to have many crocodiles in it. How do you cross it?

















Correct Answer: Simply swim across it. All the crocodiles are attending the animal meeting!



That completes the test!

This question tests your reasoning ability. So...

*

If you answered four out of four questions correctly, you're a true professional. Wealth awaits you.
*

If you answered three out of four, you have some catching up to do but there's hope for you.
*

If you answered two out of four, consider a career as a hamburger flipper in a fast food joint.
*

If you answered one out of four, try selling your organs. It's the only way you will ever make any money.
*

If you answered none correctly, consider a career that does not require any higher mental functions at all, such as management, politics, law or medicine.

 

Really Bored

Things you can do with absolutely nothing...

Push your eyes for interesting light show:
(Amusement Potential: 1-5 minutes) See a variety of blobs, stars and flashes. Try to make out things - is your subconscious trying to send you a message? Can you control what you see by pressing different areas with different forces? Would it be possible to somehow see the same effects on TV? Or for that matter, watch TV with your eyes shut doing this?

See how long you can hold your breath:
(Amusement Potential: 4-20 minutes) Not that much fun, but it sure passes the time. Play with a friend, or try to beat your own personal best. Some tips: hyperventilate before hand, and stay as still as possible.

Try to not think about polar bears:
(Amusement Potential: 1-5 minutes) This is especially hard, because by trying too much, you remember what you were trying to avoid thinking of. If you try too little, you end up thinking about polar bears anyway.

Scratch yourself:
(Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes) Go ahead, scratch yourself now. Even if nothing itches, go ahead. Doesn't that feel pretty good?

Hurt yourself:
(Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes) What is pain? Why is it unpleasant? There's nothing physical about it - it's all in your mind. Plus, after pinching yourself for awhile, boredom will seem nice next to being in pain.

Try to swallow your tongue:
(Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes) There's not much to say about this one. It is possible.

Look at something for awhile, shut eyes, study after image:
(Amusement Potential: 2-5 minutes) Another great time waster. It takes about 30 seconds of staring to create an after image, and the image is then viewable for about the same length of time. Fun to combine this one with pushing on your eyes.

Get yourself as nauseated as possible:
(Amusement Potential: 5-10 minutes) Best achieved by looking straight up and spinning around. Try to be so dizzy you can't even stand up. This is also entertaining due to the "makes boredom seem a lot better" effect (see "Hurt Yourself").



Things you can do with very little:

See what's in your neighbour's trash:
(Amusement Potential: 20-30 minutes) You can learn a lot about people by what they throw out. You might uncover some dark secret about them. Plus, they might be throwing out something with value that still works, like a VCR.

Watch TV, repeat everything said in Italian accent:
(Amusement Potential: 5-10 minutes) Sort of entertaining. Fun to pretend the people on the screen are actually talking that way.

Call up people who write editorials you disagree with:
(Amusement Potential: 15-60 minutes) I'm surprised no one has thought of this before. Unleash your fury on the person who had the nerve to write a letter like that! I'm pretty sure it doesn't qualify as a prank phone call, too.

Make prank phone calls:
(Amusement Potential: 20-60 minutes) Very entertaining, but requires discipline. Remember - vulgarities don't make a call funny, but getting the other person to believe a ridiculous story will. Even more fun if you get a bunch of people on the line using a Wonderphone and take turns making the calls. One to get you started off: Call McDonald's, try to make reservations.

Pretend all humans will die except for people in the room with you:
(Amusement Potential: 10-20 minutes) What would you do if this really happened? Would the group stay together, or would there be factions? Who would join what group? Remember, there would only be power for a few days before the plants ran out of fuel or broke. To travel, you would always have to be near cars to siphon gas out of. Best to do with people you know.

Step off a curb with eyes shut, imagine it's a cliff:
(Amusement Potential: 2-5 minutes) To get any benefit out of this one, you have to have a good imagination. Don't step off immediately, build up to the jump. Study the ravine below. Feel the winds at that altitude. Step off and... AHHHHHH!!!!!

Burn things with a magnifying glass:
(Amusement Potential: 5-30 minutes) Ants are always fun to use for this, but burning the face of someone you don't like, under some circumstances, can be just as entertaining.



Things you can do with another person:

Have a water drinking contest:
(Amusement Potential: 5-10 minutes) While the competition is fun, you probably won't feel too good afterward. To give your event an old western theme, slam the cups upside down on the tables after you have emptied them.

Stare at the back of someone's head until they turn around:
(Amusement Potential: 2-5 minutes) This works on the "I have the feeling I'm being watched" principle. Conduct an experiment--does this really work?

Have a "Who is less competitive" competition:
(Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes) Trying to win at this will make you lose. Trying to lose makes you win which makes you lose. Not trying at all makes you lose which makes you win which makes you lose.

Pick up a dog so it can see things from your point of view:
(Amusement Potential: 3-5 minutes) Think about it: your dog has only seen the house from a viewpoint from 6" to 2' high (15 to 60 cm for all you metric fans). It's never seen the tops of counters, what you keep on your desk, the tops of shelves, etc. Try looking at things from its point of view, too.

Pull out a hair, stick in someone's ear:
(Amusement Potential: 1-5 minutes) Best done to sleeping people. Added challenge in having no one else around, because then you can't blame it on anyone else. Try to beat your record number of times before the person catches on.

Pour water in hand, make sneeze noise, throw water on back of person's neck:
(Amusement Potential: 5-15 minutes) Always a good gag. For an even bigger reaction out of the person, act like you're not sorry at all for what they think you did. Comment instead on how big that sneeze was or about how there was a lot of mucus in that one.

 

ireland i am back yay
i havent being on afterdawn in ages due to my rubbish ninternet and my computer which hates me and decides it never ever wants to work for me .

the animal joke iv heard that before its good one though.

 

Stumble Upon
(Amusement 10-60 mins)

I always click on the Stumble Upon (Stumble!) button for a while. Its very amusing, Try and tally how many anti-Bush websites it comes up with, and tally how many are not.

 

i better put a joke in here

Small Towns

The US is full of small towns. For those never having traveled to or lived in one, the following will illustrate pretty much what life's like there.

My hometown was so small...

...the clinic was called Joe's Hospital and Grill

...long distance calls are delayed when the area code is busy

...the town Lady of the Evening stands under a flashlight

...in order to paint traffic lines, the road had to be widened

...instead of hoses, the Fire Department uses water pistols

...you had to make a reservation to use the parking meter

...during snowstorms, salt was spread using a salad shooter

...the local Motel 6 sleeps six

...during a boxing match, both men have to sit in the same corner

...the class valedictorian had both the highest & lowest averages

...the Mayor was also the Sheriff, Town Council & street sweeper

...we had no porn movie house; once a week someone left the shades up

...the municipal water system's pump was supplied by Water Pik

...before you visited, you could look out a window & see who was home

...there was no town idiot -- everybody had to take turns

 

Skiing Exercises

The ski season is finally here. This list of exercises will help you get ready...

- Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in freezer for half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up.

- Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after every use.

- Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head before you go to bed each night.

- If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared on the lenses.

- Throw away a hundred dollar bill - RIGHT NOW!

- Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car. Sporadically
drop things.

- Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them with crushed ice, and then tighten a C-clamp around your toes.

- Buy a new pair of gloves and IMMEDIATELY THROW ONE AWAY!

- Secure one of your ankles to a bedpost and ask a friend to run into you at high speed.

- Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $8.50 for a hamburger. Be sure you are in the longest line.

- Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket, get on a motorcycle and ride fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.

- Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a snowstorm and you're following an 18-wheeler.

- Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. Leave the ice on your face until it melts. Let it drip onto your clothes.

- Slam your thumb in a car door and don't bother to go see a doctor.

* Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday until you're ready for the real thing!