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Ireland's And All Members Jokes And Picture Thread For All Days Of The Week

Discussion in 'Safety valve' started by ireland, Dec 25, 2005.

  1. ireland

    ireland Active member

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    You might be a fisherman if...

    * You have a power worm dangling from your rear view mirror because you think it makes a good air freshener.
    * Your wedding party had to tie tin cans to the back of your bass boat.
    * You call your boat "sweetheart" and your wife "skeeter".
    * Your local tackle shop has your credit card number on file.
    * You keep a flippin stick by your favorite chair to change the TV channels with.
    * You name your black lab "Mercury" and your cat "Evinrude".
    * Bass Pro Shop has a private line just for you.
    * You have your name painted on a parking space at the launch ramp.
    * You have a photo of your 10 lb. bass on your desk at work instead of your family.
    * You consider viennies and crackers a complete meal.
    * You think MEGABYTES means a great day fishing.
    * You send your kid off to the first day of school with his shoes tied in a palomar knot.
    * You think there are four seasons--Pre-spawn, Spawn, Post Spawn and Hunting.
    * Your $30,000 bass boat's trailer needs new tires so you just "borrow" the ones off your house.
    * You trade your wife's van for a smaller vehicle so your bass boat will fit in the garage.
    * Your kids know it's Saturday---Because the boats gone,

     
  2. ireland

    ireland Active member

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    Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who ended up sinking it. He spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could from the sunken vessel and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening. Unbeknownst to him, his brother John's wife had died suddenly in his absence.
    When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery. A kind old woman there mistook him for John and said, "I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible."
    Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said, "Hell no! Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too.
    Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy."
    "I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good and that she smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The damn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle."
    The old woman fainted.

    ~~~~~

    A keen Texas lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. The store was the biggest in the world and sold everything under the sun. "Have you ever been a salesman before?" the boss asked during his interview.
    "Yes, I was a salesman in Texas," the lad answered.
    The boss took an immediate liking to him and told him he could start the next day. "I'll come and see how you made out after we close up," the boss said.
    The day was long and hard for the young man, but finally it was 5 o'clock. The boss closed up the store and found the lad sitting, slumped and exhausted, in a chair.
    "How many sales did you make today?" the boss asked.
    "One," said the lad.
    "One?" said the boss, obviously displeased. "Most of the sales people on my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?"
    "Exactly $101,334.53," said the young man.
    "How did you manage that?" asked the boss, flabbergasted.
    "Well," said the lad, "this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one, and huge one. I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said he was going down the coast. I said he'd probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that fancy 22-foot Chris Craft with twin engines. Then he said his Honda Civic probably wouldn't be able to handle the load, so I took him to the vehicle department and sold him a new GMC 1-ton pickup truck."
    "You sold all that to guy who came in for a fish hook?" the boss asked in astonishment.
    "He didn't come in to buy a fish hook," the Texas boy explained. "He came in to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I said to him, 'Your weekend's shot. You might as well go fishing.' "

    ~~~~~

    A man was stopped by a game warden in Northern Minnesota recently with two buckets of fish leaving a lake well known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"
    The man replied to the game warden, "No, sir. These are my pet fish."
    "Pet fish?!" the warden replied.
    "Yes, sir. Every night I take these fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take em home."
    "That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"
    The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, "Here, I'll show you. It really works."
    "O.K. I've GOT to see this!" the game warden replied.
    The man poured the fish in to the water and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said, "Well?"
    "Well, what?" the man asked.
    "When are you going to call them back?" the game warden prompted.
    "Call who back?" the man asked.
    "The FISH."
    "What fish?" the man asked.

    ~~~~~~`~~~~

    A hunter was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
    The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful Princess, I will stay with you for one week."
    The hunter took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a Princess, I'll stay with you and do anything you want."
    Again the hunter took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
    Finally the frog asked, "What is it? I've told you I'm a beautiful Princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
    The hunter said, "Look, I'm a avid hunter and when I'm not hunting, I'm fishing, so I don't have time for girlfriends, but a talking frog is really cool!"

    ~~~~~

    Doreen's husband Matt died suddenly one day. Doreen was taking care of the funeral arrangements with the undertaker when she was asked how she wanted Matt's obituary to read.
    Doreen asked the undertaker, "How much does an obituary cost?"
    The undertaker replied, "One dollar per word."
    Doreen then said, "I want the obituary to read - MATT IS DEAD."
    The undertaker was an old fishing buddy of Matt's and he was a little disturbed by such a curt obituary, so he offered, "I'll make you a special deal since I knew Matt so well. I'll pay for half of the obituary out of my own pocket."
    Doreen's face lit up and she replied, "Great. I want it to read - MATT IS DEAD, BOAT FOR SALE."

    ~~~~~

    If they are dumb enough to eat off a hook, how can fish be considered "brain food?"
     
  3. ireland

    ireland Active member

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    Abort, Retry, Ignore

    Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary,
    System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor,
    Longing for the warmth of bedsheets,
    Still I sat there, doing spreadsheets:
    Having reached the bottom line,
    I took a floppy from the drawer.
    Typing with a steady hand, I then invoked the SAVE command
    But got instead a reprimand: It read "Abort, Retry, Ignore".
    Was this some occult illusion? Some maniacal intrusion?
    These were choices Solomon himself had never faced before.
    Carefully, I weighed my options.
    These three seemed to be the top ones.
    Clearly, I must now adopt one....
    Choose: "Abort, Retry, Ignore".
    With my fingers pale and trembling,
    Slowly toward the keyboard bending,
    Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored,
    Praying for some guarantee
    Finally I pressed a key....
    But on the screen what did I see?
    Again: "Abort, Retry, Ignore".
    I tried to catch the chips off-guard....
    I pressed again, but twice as hard.
    Luck was just not in the cards,
    I saw what I had seen before.
    Now I typed in desperation,
    Trying random combinations.
    Still there came the incantation....
    Choose: "Abort, Retry, Ignore".
    There I sat, distraught, exhausted, by my own machine accosted;
    Getting up, I turned away and paced across the office floor.
    And then I saw an awful sight,
    A bold and blinding flash of light,
    A lightning bolt that cut the night and shook me to my very core.
    The PC screen collapsed an died,
    "Oh no....my database", I cried.
    I thought I heard a voice reply,
    "You'll see your data....Nevermore!"
    To this day I do not know
    The place to which our data goes.
    Perhaps it goes to Heaven where the angels have it stored.
    But as for productivity....well,
    I fear it has gone straight to Hell.
    And that's the tale I have to tell....
    Your choice: "Abort, Retry, Ignore".
     
  4. ireland

    ireland Active member

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    Christmas Story

    'Twas the night before Christmas--Old Santa was pissed.
    He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.
    Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks.
    I have a good mind to scrap the whole works!

    I've busted my ass for damn near a year,
    Instead of "Thanks Santa"--what do I hear?
    The old lady bitches cause I work late at night.
    The elves want more money--The reindeer all fight.

    Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.
    Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.
    And just when I thought that things would get better
    Those assholes from the IRS sent me a letter,
    They say I owe taxes--if that ain't damn funny
    Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?

    And the kids these days--they all are the pits
    They want the impossible--Those mean little shits
    I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
    Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads
    I made a ton of yo yo's--No request for them,
    They want computers and robots...they think - I'm IBM!

    Flying through the air...dodging the trees
    Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
    I'm quitting this job there's just no enjoyment
    I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment.

    There's no Christmas this year now you know the reason,
    I found me a blonde. I'm going SOUTH for the season!

    Author Unknown

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    I THINK SANTA CLAUS IS A WOMAN

    I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!
    For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in some kind of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they -- with amazing calm -- call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping spree.
    Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. (You might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my husband tells me it's an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th hour decision-making burden.) On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.
    Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist.
    Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions. Add to this the fact that there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the flue. He would also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle.

    Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:

    * Men can't pack a bag.
    * Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
    * Men would feel their masculinity is threatened...having to be seen with all those elves.
    * Men don't answer their mail.
    * Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."
    * Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.
    * Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.
    * Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.

    I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men...

    *

    Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definite guy.
    *

    Cupid flies around carrying weapons.
    *

    Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers.

    Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test. But not St. Nick. Not a chance. As long as we have each other, good will, peace on earth, faith and Nat King Cole's version of "The Christmas Song," it probably makes little difference what gender Santa is.

    I just wish she'd quit dressing like a guy!!!

    Author Unknown
     
  5. ireland

    ireland Active member

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    Lovable Louise, The Inflatable Love Doll
    A Hilarious Christmas story.

    As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true, because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids stockings were overflowed, his poor panty hose hung sadly empty.
    One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. Of course, they don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there almost three hours saying things like, "What does this do?", "You're kidding me!", "Who owns that?"
    Finally I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a
    standard, uncomplicated doll suitable for a night of romance that could also sub as a passenger in my car so I could use the car pool lane. Finding what I wanted was difficult as love dolls come in many models. I figured the "vibro-motion" was a feature my brother could live without so I settled for Lovable Louise. She also was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination.
    On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and left the front door unlocked. In the wee hours of the morning long after Santa had come and gone I snuck into the house and filled the dangling panty hose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. Then I let myself out, went home, and giggled for hours.
    The next morning Jay called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that made him VERY happy but the dog was confused. The dog would bark and bark. I suggested he purchase an inflatable Lassie. We also agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came for the traditional dinner. It seemed like a great idea, except we forgot Grandma and Grandpa would be there.
    My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the hell is that?" she asked.
    "It's a doll." replied my brother.
    "Who would play with something like that?" she replied "And where are her clothes?"
    "Boy that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, trying to steer her into the dinning room. But Granny was relentless.
    My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, "Hey who's the naked gal by the fire place?" I told him she was Jay's friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.
    Dinner went well. We made the usual small talk when suddenly Louise made a noise that sounded a lot like my father in the morning. She then lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed, I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth to mouth. My brother wet his pants and Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car. It was indeed a Christmas to treasure.
    Later we discovered the cause of Louise's collapse as she had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her thigh. Thanks to duct tape we restored her to perfect health. Louise went on to star in several bachelor party movies. I think Grandpa still calls her whenever he can get out of the house...

    Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!
     
  6. ireland

    ireland Active member

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    To Whom it May Concern:

    I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve the southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind. However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us. Differences such as:

    1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."
    2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC Cola and a moon pie [or pork rinds] on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.
    3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flying coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
    4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen," when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."
    5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I heard dat!"
    6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back off." The last I heard, it also had other decorations on the sleigh back as well. One is Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) peeing on the Tooth Fairy.
    7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.
    8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.
    9. And, finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me, such as "Rudolph, The Red-Nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town." This year, however, songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in the South-songs such as Mark Chestnut's: "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox" and "Grandma Got Run'd Over by a Reindeer."

    Merrily Yours,
    Santa Claus
    Member, North American Fairies and Elves Local 209
     
  7. aabbccdd

    aabbccdd Guest



    This is a good joke, I had to share....

    "Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?"

    "Yes. What can I do for you?"

    "I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith .... He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there."

    "Thank you very much for the call, sir."

    The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.

    Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.

    "Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd .... Did the Sheriff come?"

    "Yeah!"

    "Did they chop your firewood?"

    "Yep!"

    "Happy Birthday, buddy!"
     
  8. ireland

    ireland Active member

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    The Dump List

    A little boy runs across this man who has a truck load of cow manure and the boy asks him what he is going to do with all of that cow poop.

    The man tells the little boy, "I'm taking it home to put on my strawberries."

    The little boy looks up at the man and says, "I don't know where you come from, but where I come from we put cream and sugar on our strawberries."




    The Outhose

    A woman living in a rural area wanted to have an outhouse that wouldn't stink. She advertised it in the local papers for a contractor that could build such a structure.

    After some time, a contractor applied for the job and guaranteed that the outhouse would not have any odor. He got the job.

    Sometime after completing the construction, the man got a frantic call from the woman, "You'd better get here fast! That outhouse has a terrible smell!"

    He rushed over, went to the outhouse, poked his head through the door and exclaimed,

    "No wonder it stinks! You pooped in it!"




    The Two Statues

    In a city park stood two statues, one female and the other male. These two statues faced each other for many years.

    Early one morning an angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I hereby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire." And with that command, the statues came to life.

    The two statues smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes. The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling and twigs snapping.

    After 15 minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling. Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, "You still have 15 minutes. Would you like to continue?"

    The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?"

    Smiling, the female statue said, "Sure. But this time YOU hold the pigeon down and I'LL poop on it's head!"



    The Avon Lady

    An Avon lady was alone in an elevator when suddenly she had to fart. She promptly reached into her bag and sprayed the air with some an Avon Pine-Scented deodorizer. Two floors later, a gentleman got on the elevator. He began to sniff, and the Avon lady asked, "Do you smell something?"

    "Well, yes I do," he replied.

    "What does it smell like?"

    The bemused gentleman answered, "I'm not sure, but it kinda smells like someone pooped in a pine tree."




    Perfume

    An old Italian woman is riding the elevator in a very lavish New York City Office Building.

    A young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator and smelling like expensive perfume turns to the old Italian woman and says arrogantly, "Giorgio Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!"

    The next young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator and also very arrogantly turns to the old Italian woman and says, "Chanel No. 5, $150 an ounce!"

    About three floors later, the old Italian woman has reached her destiny and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, she bends over, and farts....... "Broccoli - 49 cents a pound!!!"



    Fart Poem

    A fart can be quiet,
    A fart can be loud,
    Some leave a powerful,
    Poisonous cloud.

    A fart can be short,
    Or a fart can be long,
    Some farts have been known,
    To sound just like a song.

    Some farts do not smell,
    While others are vile,
    A fart may pass quickly,
    Or linger awhile.

    A fart can create
    A most-curious medley,
    A fart can be harmless,
    Or silent, but deadly.

    A fart can occur
    In a number of places,
    And leave everyone
    With strange looks on their faces.

    From wide-open prairies,
    To small elevators,
    A fart will find all of us
    Sooner or later.

    So be not afraid
    Of the invisible gas,
    For always remember,
    That farts, too, shall pass.
     
  9. ireland

    ireland Active member

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    In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

    Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.

    The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.

    There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time. Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.

    In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.

    In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.
    In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.

    In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."
     
  10. ireland

    ireland Active member

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    Inanimate Gender

    Have you ever stopped to think whether the inanimate things around us also have genders? Believe it or not, they do! Check out these things we use in our daily lives, who would have though!?!

    Ziploc bags are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

    Copiers are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons Are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

    A tire is male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.

    A hot air balloon is male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.

    Sponges are female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.

    A web page is female, because it's always getting hit on.

    A subway is male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

    An hourglass is female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

    A hammer is male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

    A remote control is female. Ha! You thought it'd be male, didn't you? But consider this - it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps! trying!
     
  11. ireland

    ireland Active member

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    Murphy's Sex Laws

    1. The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.

    2. Nothing improves with age.

    3. No matter how many times you’ve had it, if it’s offered take it, because it’ll never be quite the same again.

    4. Sex has no calories.

    5. Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.

    6. There is no remedy for sex but more sex.

    7. Sex appeal is 50% what you’ve got and 50% what people think you’ve got.

    8. No sex with anyone in the same office.

    9. Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.

    10. A man in the house is worth two in the street.

    11. If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.

    12. Virginity can be cured.

    13. When a man’s wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.

    14. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.

    15. The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can’t stand years later.

    16. Sex is dirty only if it’s done right.

    17. It is always the wrong time of month.

    18. The best way to hold a man is in your arms.

    19. When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.

    20. Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won’t either.

    21. Sow your wild oats on Saturday night — Then on Sunday pray for crop failure.

    22. The younger the better.

    23. The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.

    24. It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden.

    25. Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.

    27. Before you find your handsome prince, you’ve got to kiss a lot of frogs.

    28. There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it.

    29. Love your neighbor, but don’t get caught.

    30. Love is a hole in the heart.

    31. If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon.

    32. Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.

    33. Do it only with the best.

    34. Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning.

    35. One good turn gets most of the blankets.

    36. You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women.

    37. Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

    38. It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

    39. Thou shalt not commit adultery…..unless in the mood.

    40. Never lie down with a woman who’s got more troubles than you.

    41. Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.

    42. Never argue with a women when she’s tired — or rested.

    43. A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn’t.

    44. What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.

    45. It is better to be looked over than overlooked.

    46. Never say no.

    47. A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn’t love her.

    48. Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps.

    49. Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.

    50. Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog.

    51. A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.

    52. Love comes in spurts.

    53. The world does not revolve on an axis.

    54. Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant.

    55. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.

    56. Don’t do it if you can’t keep it up.

    57. There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love.

    58. Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.

    59. Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.

    60. “This won’t hurt, I promise,”
     
  12. larrylje

    larrylje Active member

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    I never notcied this thread before. I have already posted this picture in another thread but I figured I would put it here to since it should have been here in the first place. President Bushes new motion picture film he is in...

    [​IMG]
     
  13. larrylje

    larrylje Active member

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    Update President Bush new movie won best Motion Picture of the Year. Him and the cast receiving the award...

    [​IMG]
     
  14. gerry1

    gerry1 Guest

    LOL! I get a chuckle every time I see your geeky sig!
     
  15. larrylje

    larrylje Active member

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    Yeah im kinda fond of it also. It is 1 of my better pictures.
     
  16. catfreak

    catfreak Active member

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                   [​IMG]
     
  17. ireland

    ireland Active member

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    LAUNDRY STAIN REMOVAL GUIDE



    Here's a handy guide to getting out those pesky fabric stains:

    Blood - Spill more blood around area of stain so it won't stand out as much.

    Ink - Fall to knees and plead, "Why, God, why? Why dost thou test me so?"

    Grass - Write the name of your liquid detergent on stain. Wash. Hold up to camera, and show off the unbelievable results.

    Mud - Place large iron-on NASCAR patch over stain. Apply heat for 60 seconds.

    Tomato Sauce - Take out the mook responsible for your tomato-sauce stain by executing him gangland-style in the back of the head. Capeche?

    Coffee - Rub cream and sugar into stain. Apply oral suction. Enjoy rich, robust coffee-stain flavor.

    Wine - Apply mixture of 1/2 rum and 1/2 Coke to self until you no longer care about some little freaking stain.

    Chewing Gum - Using permanent marker, draw dotted line around stain. Cut carefully on dotted line.

    Nail Polish - Nail-polish stains are actually quite lovely. Why not leave them in for a pleasing "homecrafted" look?
     
  18. ireland

    ireland Active member

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    A DIET QUIZ



    If you answer "yes" to eight or more of these questions, you may want to consider restricting your future calorie intake:

    * Has your neighborhood grocery store ever offered to send for you with a limo?

    * After ordering lunch at a fast-food drive-through window, has it ever been delivered to your car on a hand truck?

    * Within the last month, have you burned out more than two refrigerator bulbs?

    * Do people often decide to follow you up on the next elevator?

    * Has your fork ever suddenly come up missing?

    * Have you ever broken out in a cold sweat when you realized you were more than a mile from the nearest Taco Bell?

    * Is there a restraining order against you from the Association of All-You-Can-Eat Restaurants?

    * On a recent Caribbean cruise, did the captain order you to stay in the center of the ship?

    * Do your picnics in the country involve renting a U-Haul?

    * Does the left side of your car seem to bottom out a lot?

    * Does your street always seem to have more potholes than other streets?
     
  19. ireland

    ireland Active member

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    EARTHQUAKE SAFETY TIPS



    Earthquakes can strike without warning, and being prepared for such a disaster can mean the difference between life and death. Here are some tips to help you and your loved ones make it through a quake:

    - Those living in areas not prone to earthquakes can respond quickly to the plight of disaster victims in quake zones by complacently smirking and saying, "I told you so."

    - To minimize loss and damage in a quake, try not to own things.

    - Experiencing an earthquake is terrifying, but a majority of people caught in one do survive. During the tremors, try to resist the temptation to have sex with pets or houseplants.

    - Practice your burrowing-out-from-under-40-tons-of-rubble skills ahead of time.

    - Look out your window often. If you see a large, zig-zag-shaped crevasse moving rapidly from the horizon toward your home, step either to the right or the left.

    - Do you have a treasured childhood toy? Perhaps a stuffed animal, such as a teddy bear? Well, let's see Mr. Bear help you now.

    - For those who fear earthquakes, it may comfort you to know that a majority of the damage during the 1906 San Francisco earthquake did not come from the tremors themselves. Instead, it was from the raging, out-of-control fires that consumed most of the city.

    - A doorway is the safest place to be during a quake. Eat, sleep and work in doorways.

    - Be sure to mail your house insurance payments a full five business days before a major earthquake strikes.

    - In the event of a quake, get under something heavy, such as a desk, a table or your uncle.

    - If you are caught in a major earthquake in Southern California and are part of the entertainment industry, take a moment or two to reflect on how grossly you've wasted your life.

     
  20. ireland

    ireland Active member

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    SIGNS THAT RONALD MCDONALD HAS GROWN UP



    - No longer signs paychecks in crayon.

    - That new "Mr. Happy Meal."

    - Distinctive odor of bourbon and stale cigars at personal appearances.

    - Two words: sagging buns.

    - Replacing floppy red shoes with floppy black wingtips.

    - Now offering "Happy Hour" Meals.

    - No longer asks women if they want to see his McNuggets.

    - Instead of size 46 shoe, now takes a size 62.

    - Gin has replaced make-up as his nose-reddener.

    - That telltale bottle of Clairol Fire Engine Red #4 in his shower.

    - Seen with Jack-in-the-Box at strip clubs stuffing fries down g-strings.

    - Three kids injured in unfortunate stubble incident.

    - Has a McBeergut.
     

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