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Ireland's And All Members Jokes And Picture Thread For All Days Of The Week

Discussion in 'Safety valve' started by ireland, Dec 25, 2005.

  1. ireland

    ireland Active member

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    WHY THE 80's WERE COOLER FOR BEING A TEENAGER THAN THE 90's



    - MTV actually played videos in the 80's.

    - There was only one kind of Nike tennis shoes (white with a red swoosh), and they didn't cost $125.

    - A comb in your back pocket is more practical and less painful than a ring through your nose.

    - In the 80's, playing video games actually meant going out to DO something.

    - In the 80's, when you were out partying, you didn't have to worry about your Mom calling you on your cell phone.

    - In the 80s, we didn't have to worry about getting our heads blown off at school - unless you put a whole pack of Pop Rocks in your mouth and drank a coke.

    - Debbie Gibson vs. Britney Spears. New Kids on the Block vs. N'Sync. New Edition vs. Hanson. Ok, that one's a draw.

    - In the early 80's, there were kids in your high school who could buy alcohol LEGALLY.

    - Feathered hair was easier to care for than dreadlocks.

    - In the 80's, you didn't have to worry about your pants falling down all the time. They were so tight we couldn't get them off!
     
  2. ireland

    ireland Active member

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    DEFINITIONS



    It may help to say the word out loud... Perhaps slowly.



    Arbitrator \ar'-bi-tray-ter\: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's.

    Avoidable \uh-avoy'-duh-buhl\: What a bullfighter tries to do.

    Burglarize \bur'-gler-ize\: What a crook sees with.

    Counterfeiters \kown-ter-fit-ers\: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.

    Eclipse \i-klips'\: What an English barber does for a living.

    Eyedropper \i'-drop-ur\: A clumsy ophthalmologist.

    Heroes \hee'-rhos\: What a guy in a boat does.

    Left Bank \left' bangk'\: What the robber did after his bag was full of loot.

    Misty \miss'-tee\: How golfers create divots.

    Paradox \par'-of-docks\: Two physicians.

    Parasites \par'-uh-sites\: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.

    Pharmacist \farm'-uh-sist\: A helper on the farm.

    Polarize \po'-lur-ize\: What penguins see with.

    Primate \pri'-mate\: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV.

    Relief \ree-leaf'\: What trees do in the spring.

    Rubberneck \rub'-er-nek\: What you do to relax your wife.

    Seamstress \seem'-stress\: Describes 250 pounds in a size six.

    Selfish \sel'-fish\: What the owner of a seafood store does.

    Subdued \some-dood'\: Like, a guy, like, who works on one of those, like, submarines, man.

    Sudafed \soo'-da-fed\: Bringing litigation against a government official.
     
  3. ireland

    ireland Active member

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    FAMOUS LAST WORDS



    "I'll get a world record for this."

    "It's fireproof."

    "He's probably just hibernating."

    "What does this button do?"

    "I'm making a citizen's arrest."

    "So, you're a cannibal..."

    "It's probably just a rash."

    "Are you sure the power is off?"

    "Yeah, I made the deciding vote on the jury, so what of it?"

    "The odds of that happening have to be a million to one!"

    "Pull the pin and count to what?"

    "Which wire was I supposed to cut?"

    "I wonder where the mother bear is?"

    "I've seen this done on TV."

    "These are the good kind of mushrooms."

    "I'll hold it and you light the fuse."

    "Let it down slowly."

    "Rat poison only kills rats."

    "Just take whatever you want, this is a ghost town."

    "It's strong enough for both of us."

    "This doesn't taste right."

    "I can make this light before it changes."

    "Nice doggie."

    "I can do that with my eyes closed."

    "I've done this before."

    "Well, we've made it this far."

    "That's odd."

    "You wouldn't hit a guy with glasses on, would you?"

    "Don't be so superstitious."

    "Now watch this..."

    "What duck?"
     
  4. ireland

    ireland Active member

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    100 REASONS TO PARTY



    1. Because it's Friday.

    2. Because your dentist canceled your appointment.

    3. Because you can't think of anything boring to do.

    4. Because it's daytime.

    5. Because it's nighttime.

    6. Because it's exactly one week later than it was this time last week.

    7. Because you like to make ice.

    8. Because you want to annoy your neighbors.

    9. Because you're dying to wear your new light shade.

    10. Because you're tired of playing 'Charades' with yourself.

    11. Because you're carrying a party gene.

    12. Because you found the perfect shoes.

    13. Because you're afraid your lifestyle is too healthy.

    14. Because you never know...

    15. Because your place could use a good mess.

    16. Because your mother needs something to be upset about.

    17. Because you have a sudden urge to limbo.

    18. Because your inhibitions are out of town.

    19. Because the bank made an error in your favor.

    20. Because it's there.

    21. Because you need more bean dip in your diet.

    22. Because the fun content of your blood is too low.

    23. Because you look good doing it.

    24. Because you're considering it as a career.

    25. Because your yo-yo stock went up a point.

    26. Because someone's got to do it.

    27. Because you have a bad reputation to uphold.

    28. Because your plants want to meet new people.

    29. Because fun is a terrible thing to waste.

    30. Because you want to try out your new jokes.

    31. Because it's your patriotic duty.

    32. Because you're going for the party record.

    33. Because your roommate got rid of his scorpion farm.

    34. Because you need the practice.

    35. Because you're not getting any younger.

    36. Because the vet says your hamster will pull through.

    37. Because you've got it coming to you.

    38. Because your life is starting to grow moss.

    39. Because your brain needs a night off.

    40. Because you never met a party you didn't like.

    41. Because the fate of the free world depends on it.

    42. Because the universe is expanding.

    43. Because your dog is finally housebroken.

    44. Because it's the only exercise you get.

    45. Because maturity is overrated.

    46. Because a party demon has possessed your body.

    47. Because it hurts too much when you stop.

    48. Because these are your "party years!"

    49. Because you're too polite to turn down an invitation.

    50. Because you can't boogie to a book.

    51. Because you have an overactive party gland.

    52. Because the moon is in a party phase.

    53. Because otherwise the police would have nothing to do.

    54. Because curfew has been lifted.

    55. Because the phone company lost your Internet bill.

    56. Because you won the lottery and feel reckless.

    57. Because life seems so dull without it.

    58. Because that's how the dinosaurs would have wanted to go.

    59. Because you haven't eaten a million corn chips yet.

    60. Because you're suffering from popcorn deficiency.

    61. Because you're supposed to be the irresponsible one.

    62. Because how else are you going to learn to juggle chainsaws?

    63. Because your bank manager finally lifted that death threat.

    64. Because you need to get to know more riot police.

    65. Because your budgie ate your concert tickets and you need to let the party feeling out somehow.

    66. Because the voices tell you to.

    67. Because if not you, who else?

    68. Because it's time.

    69. Because the local committee like you too much.

    70. Because you need to cultivate a bad impression.

    71. Because if you don't you'll explode.

    72. Because you got your coursework in on time.

    73. Because your lecturer forgot to set work for the weekend.

    74. Because you suspect you're too uptight.

    75. Because you need to get ready for New Year's.

    76. Because THEY don't want you to.

    77. Because it's a long way till midnight, and you've got ten crates to get through.

    78. Because you want to finish all the food in your house before dawn.

    79. Because someone bet you to.

    80. Because the dice tell you to. (see Luke Rhinehart)

    81. Because you haven't heard a police megaphone for a whole week.

    82. Because you want to meet new alcohol.

    83. Because that's the last thing they'll expect.

    84. Because it's down to you.

    85. Because you spend too much time on the Net and you don't want to develop keyboard withdrawal.

    87. Because how else are you going to rebel?

    88. Because you just want to, alright, ALRIGHT?!

    89. Because you're too tense.

    90. Because everyone you know needs convincing you're insane.

    91. Because your parrot accused you of being boring.

    92. Because you know at least "30 things to do before you're 30" that you haven't done.

    93. Because you need good reference material.

    94. Because you want to create a false identity.

    95. Because you want to prove you can.

    96. Because you feel like everyone's ignoring you.

    97. Because you want to improve your crime sheet.

    98. Because you have a very evil punch recipe.

    99. Because because because because... because of the wonderful things it does! (see Wizard of Oz)

    100. Because you need to work on your purity test score.

     
  5. catfreak

    catfreak Active member

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  6. catfreak

    catfreak Active member

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  7. ireland

    ireland Active member

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    Men are stupid, more
    What should you give a man who has everything?
    A woman to show him how to work it.

    How can you tell when a man is well hung?
    When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

    Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
    Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.

    Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
    Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

    Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
    Because if they all went, it would be Hell.

    Why does it take 100 million sperms to fertilize one egg?
    Because not one will stop and ask for directions.

    What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant?
    Any place without a drive-up window.

    What do you call a handcuffed man?
    Trustworthy.

    What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
    You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

    What do you call a man with half a brain?
    Gifted.

    What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women?
    Exchange him.

    What makes a man think about a candlelight dinner?
    A power failure.

    Men are stupid
    How are husbands like lawn mowers?
    They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.

    How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
    We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.

    How do men exercise on the beach?
    By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

    How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
    Make him wear shoes.

    How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
    Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."

    How does a man show he's planning for the future?
    He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

    How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?
    All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.

    How many men does it take to open a beer?
    None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.

    How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    One-He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.

    How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    Three. One to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.

    How many men does it take to tile a bathroom?
    Two. If you slice them very thinly.

    What did God say after creating man?
    I can do so much better.


    Three choices
    A guy is dating three women and can't decide which one to marry. He gives each $1,000 to see how well they can manage money. The first one spends $800 and puts $200 in the bank. The second one spends $200 and puts $800 in the bank. The third one puts the whole $1,000 in the bank.

    Which one does he end up marrying?

    The one with the biggest boobs, of course.
     
  8. ireland

    ireland Active member

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    Marylou the Horse

    A guy is sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan.

    'What was that for?' he says.

    'That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it,' she replies.

    'Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on,' he explains.

    She looks satisfied and apologises.

    Three days later he's again sitting in his chair reading when she nails him
    with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him out cold. When he comes to his senses, he says, 'What was that for?'

    'Your horse phoned.'


    Morning Song

    I Woke Early One Morning, The Earth Lay Cool And Still
    When Suddenly A Tiny Bird Perched On My Window Sill,
    He Sang A Song So Lovely So Carefree And So Gay,
    And Slowly All My Troubles Began To Slip Away.

    He Sang Of Far Off Places Of Laughter And Of Fun,
    It Seemed His Very Trilling, Brought Up The Morning Sun.
    I Stirred Beneath The Covers Crept Slowly Out Of Bed,
    Then Gently Shut The Window And Crushed His bitching Head.
    I'm Not A Morning Person.
     
    Last edited: Dec 19, 2006
  9. ireland

    ireland Active member

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    A Girl's Prayer

    A Girls Prayer

    Lord

    Before I lay me down to sleep,
    I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
    One who's handsome, smart and strong, One who's willy's thick and long.
    One who thinks before he speaks,
    When promises to call, he won't wait weeks.
    I pray that he is gainfully employed,
    And when I spend his cash, wont be annoyed.
    Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
    Massages my back and begs to do more.

    Oh! send me a man who will make love to my mind,
    Knows just what to say, when I ask 'How big's my behind?'
    One who'll make love till my body's a twitchin,
    In the hall, the loo, the garden and kitchen!
    I pray that this man will love me no end,
    And never attempts to shag my best friend.
    And as I kneel and pray by my bed,
    I look at the wanker you sent me instead.

    Amen.



    Say a prayer.

    A lady approaches a priest at a restaurant and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.'
    'What do they say?' the priest inquired.
    'They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some
    fun?'
    'That's terrible!' the priest exclaimed, 'but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to the rectory and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship.'
    'Oh Thank you!' the woman responded.
    The next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'
    One male parrot looks over at the other male and exclaims, 'Put the beads away, Our prayers have been answered!!!'
     
  10. ireland

    ireland Active member

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    BALANCE OF LIFE

    God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God. "Where have you been?"

    God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction, and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."

    Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"

    "It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."

    "Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

    God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over there I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things," God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

    The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"

    "Ah," said God "That's Washington State, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, plains, and coulees. The people from Washington State are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats, and carriers of peace."

    Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance."

    God smiled,

    "There is another Washington...wait until you see the idiots I put there."


     
  11. ireland

    ireland Active member

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    Dentist

    A guy and a gal meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.

    A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.

    He then takes off his trousers and washes his hands again.

    The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist."

    The guy, surprised, says "Yes....how did you figure that out?"

    "Easy," she replied. "You keep washing your hands."

    One thing led to another and they make love. After they are done, the girl says, "You must be a really good dentist."

    The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Well yes, I'm a good dentist. How did you figure that out?"

    "I didn't feel a thing!"
     
  12. ireland

    ireland Active member

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    Password

    A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates.

    She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her "Hello, How are you ! We've been waiting for you ! Good to see you."

    When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place ! How do I get in ?" "You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.

    "Which word?" the woman asked.

    "Love."

    The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.

    About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.

    While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived. "I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been ?" "Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion. And, my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer. How do I get in ?" "You have to spell a word," the woman told him. "Which word ?" her husband asked. "Czechoslovakia." Moral of the story: Never make a woman angry ... there'll be Hell to pay later.
     
  13. catfreak

    catfreak Active member

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  14. ireland

    ireland Active member

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    A HORNY SADDLE



    A blonde girl is driving through the West. Her car runs out of gas and an Indian comes along on a horse and gives her a ride to a gas station.

    Every few minutes he lets out a wild whoop that would curdle milk.

    Finally, he drops her off with a final "Yaaaaa-Hooo!," and gallops off.

    "My god!" says the gas station guy, "What the hell were you doing to that Injun to make him holler like that?"

    "Why, nothing," says the blonde, "I just sat behind him with my arms around him, holding onto his saddle horn."

    "Lady," says the guy, "Indians don't use saddles."
     
  15. GrandpaBW

    GrandpaBW Active member

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    Oops
     
    Last edited: Aug 13, 2007
  16. ireland

    ireland Active member

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    An Irishman walking through a field sees a man drinking water from a pool with his hand.

    The Irishman shouts "Na ol an t-uisce, ta sé lan de chac bo" (Don't drink the water, it's full of cowshit!)

    The man shouts back "I'm English, speak English, I don't understand you".
    The Irishman shouts back, "Use both hands, you'll get more in."
     
  17. catfreak

    catfreak Active member

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    A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."

    The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves.

    Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman.

    The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back.

    The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

    The Irishman replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    My god! What happened to you?" the bartender asked Ireland as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.

    "I got in a tiff with Riley."

    "Riley? He's just a wee fellow," the barkeep said with surprise . . . "He must have had something in his hand."

    "That he did," Ireland said. "A shovel it was."

    "Dear Lord. Didn't you have anything in your hand?"

    "Aye, that I did--Mrs. Riley's left breast." Ireland said. "And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight!"
     
  18. NicHt

    NicHt Regular member

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