Ireland's And All Members Jokes And Picture Thread For All Days Of The Week

And My Wife Thinks I'm Bad
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster which he would sell. The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've got this great rooster named Roy. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem."

Well, Roy the rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Roy. The farmer takes Roy home and sets him down in the barnyard. He gave the rooster a pep talk, "Roy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. I'll need you to do a good job.. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said, with a chuckle.

Roy seemed to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house, and Roy took off like a shot. - WHAM! - Roy nails every hen in the hen house -- three or four times-- and the farmer is really shocked.

After that the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen. Sure enough, Roy is in there. Later, the farmer sees Roy after a flock of geese. Once again, - WHAM! - He gets all the geese. By sunset he sees Roy out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants. The farmer is distraught -- worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours.

Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day, to find Roy dead as a doorknob -- stone cold in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh Roy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."

Roy opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, "Shhhh, they're getting closer...

 

Golfing Injury
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning.

The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in obvious agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him earnestly.

"Ummph, oooh, noooo... I'll be fine in a few minutes", he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and put her hands inside. She began to massage his privates.

She then asked him, "How does that feel?"

He replied still in agony, "It feels great, but it doesn't do a thing for my thumb. It still hurts like hell!"

 

The Wealthy Ambassador
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A secretary for a foreign embassy was entertaining a wealthy foreign ambassador during lunch at a very expensive restaurant in uptown New York.

The ambassador was so enthralled by the beauty and presence of this secretary that he asked her to marry him. The secretary was startled, but remembered that her boss told her never to insult foreign dignitaries, so she decided to let him down easy.

"I'll only marry you under three conditions."

"Anything, anything," said the ambassador.

"First, you must buy me a 14-karat gold wedding band with a 72 carat diamond, along with a 28 inch studded matching necklace for our engagement."

Without hesitation, the ambassador picked up his cellular phone, called his personal accountant, told him the instructions, and said, "Yes, yes, I buy, I buy!"

The secretary thought that her first request was too easy, so she thought of a more difficult situation.

"Second, I want you to build me a 58-acre mansion in the richest part of the Poconos along with a 40 acre summer home in the sweetest vineyards of France."

The ambassador picked up his phone, called his personal broker in New York, then called another broker in France, and after his quick conversation, he said, "Yes, yes, I build, I build!"

The secretary was very startled, and knew she must think of a final request that would be impossible to live up to.

"Finally," she said. "I'll only marry you if you have a 10 inch penis."

A sad face befell the ambassador, and he cupped his face in his hands. After weeping in his native language for a few minutes, the ambassador slowly lifted his head and said, "Ok, ok, I cut, I cut!"

 

Temptation
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
True story, I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!

There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived.

She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned.

I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car.

My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.

The moral of this story is...

"Always keep your condoms in your car."

 

Suits... $5.00

Bubba and Billy Bob are walking down the street, and they see a sign on a store which reads, "Suits $5.00 each, shirts $2.00 each, trousers $2.50 per pair."

Bubba says to his pal, "Billy Bob, Look here! We could buy a whole gob of these, take 'em back to Sand Mountain, sell 'em to our friends, and make a fortune. Now when we go in there you be quiet, okay? Just let me do the talkin' 'cause if they hear your accent, they might think we're ignorant, and not wanna sell that stuff to us.

Now, I'll talk in a slow drawl so's they don't know."

They go in and Bubba says with his best fake drawl, "I'll take 50 of them suits at $5.00 each, 100 of them there shirts at $2.00 each, and 50 pairs of them there trousers at $2.50 each. I'll back up my pickup and .."

The owner of the shop interrupts, "Ya'll are from the hills, ain't you?"

"Well...yeah," says a surprised Bubba...."How come you know that?!"

"Because this is a dry-cleaners."

 

WAS THIS A LOVE LETTER TO THE MODS??????

THE ULTIMATE FLAME LETTER



You swine. You vulgar little maggot. Don't you know that you are pathetic? You worthless bag of filth. As we say in Texas, I'll bet you couldn't pour piss out of a boot with instructions on the heel. You are a canker. A sore that won't go away. I would rather kiss a lawyer than be seen with you.

You are a fiend and a coward, and you have bad breath. You are degenerate, noxious and depraved. I feel debased just for knowing you exist. I despise everything about you. You are a bloody nardless newbie twit protohominid chromosomally aberrant caricature of a coprophagic cloacal parasitic pond scum and I wish you would go away.

You're a putrescence mass, a walking vomit. You are a spineless little worm deserving nothing but the profoundest contempt. You are a jerk, a cad, a weasel. Your life is a monument to stupidity. You are a stench, a revulsion, a big suck on a sour lemon.

You are a bleating fool, a curdled staggering mutant dwarf smeared richly with the effluvia and offal accompanying your alleged birth into this world. An insensate, blinking calf, meaningful to nobody, abandoned by the puke-drooling, giggling beasts who sired you and then killed themselves in recognition of what they had done.

I will never get over the embarrassment of belonging to the same species as you. You are a monster, an ogre, a malformity. I barf at the very thought of you. You have all the appeal of a paper cut. Lepers avoid you. You are vile, worthless, less than nothing. You are a weed, a fungus, the dregs of this earth. And did I mention you smell?

If you aren't an idiot, you made a world-class effort at simulating one. Try to edit your writing of unnecessary material before attempting to impress us with your insight. The evidence that you are a nincompoop will still be available to readers, but they will be able to access it more rapidly.

You snail-skulled little rabbit. Would that a hawk pick you up, drive its beak into your brain, and upon finding it rancid set you loose to fly briefly before spattering the ocean rocks with the frothy pink shame of your ignoble blood. May you choke on the queasy, convulsing nausea of your own trite, foolish beliefs.

You are weary, stale, flat and unprofitable. You are grimy, squalid, nasty and profane. You are foul and disgusting. You're a fool, an ignoramus. Monkeys look down on you. Even sheep won't have sex with you. You are unreservedly pathetic, starved for attention, and lost in a land that reality forgot.

And what meaning do you expect your delusionally self-important statements of unknowing, inexperienced opinion to have with us? What fantasy do you hold that you would believe that your tiny-fisted tantrums would have more weight than that of a leprous desert rat, spinning rabidly in a circle, waiting for the bite of the snake?

You are a waste of flesh. You have no rhythm. You are ridiculous and obnoxious. You are the moral equivalent of a leech. You are a living emptiness, a meaningless void. You are sour and senile. You are a disease, you puerile one-handed slack-jawed drooling meatslapper.

On a good day you're a half-wit. You remind me of drool. You are deficient in all that lends character. You have the personality of wallpaper. You are dank and filthy. You are asinine and benighted. You are the source of all unpleasantness. You spread misery and sorrow wherever you go.

I cannot believe how incredibly stupid you are. I mean rock-hard stupid. Dehydrated-rock-hard stupid. Stupid so stupid that it goes way beyond the stupid we know into a whole different dimension of stupid. You are trans-stupid stupid. Meta-stupid. Stupid collapsed on itself so far that even the neutrons have collapsed. Stupid gotten so dense that no intellect can escape. Singularity stupid. Blazing hot mid-day sun on Mercury stupid. You emit more stupid in one second than our entire galaxy emits in a year. Quasar stupid. Your writing has to be a troll. Nothing in our universe can really be this stupid. Perhaps this is some primordial fragment from the original big bang of stupid. Some pure essence of a stupid so uncontaminated by anything else as to be beyond the laws of physics that we know. I'm sorry. I can't go on. This is an epiphany of stupid for me. After this, you may not hear from me again for a while. I don't have enough strength left to deride your ignorant questions and half baked comments about unimportant trivia, or any of the rest of this drivel. Duh.

The only thing worse than your logic is your manners. I have snipped away most of what you wrote, because, well... it didn't really say anything. Your attempt at constructing a creative flame was pitiful. I mean, really, stringing together a bunch of insults among a load of babbling was hardly effective... Maybe later in life, after you have learned to read, write, spell, and count, you will have more success. True, these are rudimentary skills that many of us "normal" people take for granted that everyone has an easy time of mastering. But we sometimes forget that there are "challenged" persons in this world who find these things more difficult. If I had known, that this was your case then I would have never read your post. It just wouldn't have been "right". Sort of like parking in a handicap space. I wish you the best of luck in the emotional, and social struggles that seem to be placing such a demand on you.

P.S.: You are hypocritical, greedy, violent, malevolent, vengeful, cowardly, deadly, mendacious, meretricious, loathsome, despicable, belligerent, opportunistic, barratrous, contemptible, criminal, fascistic, bigoted, racist, sexist, avaricious, tasteless, idiotic, brain-damaged, imbecilic, insane, arrogant, deceitful, demented, lame, self-righteous, byzantine, conspiratorial, satanic, fraudulent, libelous, bilious, splenetic, spastic, ignorant, clueless, illegitimate, harmful, destructive, dumb, evasive, double-talking, devious, revisionist, narrow, manipulative, paternalistic, fundamentalist, dogmatic, idolatrous, unethical, cultic, diseased, suppressive, controlling, restrictive, malignant, deceptive, dim, crazy, weird, dystopic, stifling, uncaring, plantigrade, grim, unsympathetic, jargon-spouting, censorious, secretive, aggressive, mind-numbing, arassive, poisonous, flagrant, self-destructive, abusive, socially-retarded, puerile, clueless, and generally Not Good.

I Hope This Helps...

 

I'm hoping you wrote that. If not my beast guess would have to be that Doggy_Bot wrote that.

 

SIGNS NEWBIES BOUGHT A BAD COMPUTER



* Lower corner of screen has the words "Etch-a-sketch" on it.

* It's celebrity spokesman is that "Hey Vern!" guy.

* In order to start it you need some jumper cables and a friend's car.

* It's slogan is "Pentium: redefining mathematics".

* The "quick reference" manual is 120 pages long.

* Whenever you turn it on, all the dogs in your neighborhood start howling.

* The screen often displays the message, "Ain't it break time yet?"

* The manual contains only one sentence: "Good Luck!"

* The only chip inside is a Dorito.

* You've decided that your computer is an excellent addition to your fabulous paperweight collection.

 

THE 10 RULES FOR CYBERSEX



1. Before becoming involved in any kind of cybersex, please make sure your spouse, boyfriend, kids, etc. are out of the room at the time, (preferably out of the house and not during a major holiday when your in-laws are also present or at a time when all your relatives are in attendance). It really gets difficult to explain the moaning and groaning, while the buzz of various "toys" can be heard.

2. For men, before you begin, please check that your modem protector is on, along with the splash guard for your keyboard. It will stop the future embarrassment of telling the computer technician that your keys are "stuck" and you have no idea why.

3. For women, no matter what you are truly wearing, such as: sweatpants, sweat shirt, torn bathrobe, slippers, t-shirt with stains on the front, bloomer underwear that could cover a car or be used for a parachute, always tell your potential cyber partner you are wearing a thong, garter belt with black stockings, and your best Wonderbra (the one that has everything pulled up so high your belly button is under your chin), and a pair of high heels. We don't want to destroy that myth that all women dress that way when we sit down at the computer (although I truly wear these things each and every time I sit in front of my computer, it does seem to cause a bit of a commotion at the office, - but I have certainly worked my way up the ranks in the company because of it). As for what the man should be wearing, we all know that they are all naked and wearing just a smile.

4. If the cyber begins to get very hot please refrain from straddling your monitor. There are many emergency room stories to be told if you get overly excited, not to mention the many years of therapy to get you to let go and not continue this sordid affair with your 15" screen.

5. If the cyber is not going well, please let the other person know in the best way you can. It is not very polite to tell them that you are doing your nails, have just made up your grocery list for the next month, shingled the house, pulled out one of your wisdom teeth because you were bored, would rather read the instructions on how to set the time on your VCR, checked your fridge to make sure the light still works when you open the door, and last but not least, stuck your tongue to an ice cube tray to stop the monotony.

6. When it really starts getting hot and heavy, please check your spelling before you send that embarrassing typo, i.e., oh baby, let me suck on those beautiful beasts of yours. I just love your hot, wet posse (although it does kinda put a western slant on Things - hmmmm, things could get interesting with boots and spurs though). Oh baby, you have such a big coke, (hope you got the supersized fries and burger with that). That's it baby, show me that beautiful clint, (go ahead, make my day), and the proverbial oh fork me hard!

7. Pay attention to what is going on. Please refrain from putting your "coke" in one place, when your cyberpartner had just typed that it was someplace else. If you have no clue as to where the cyber is going, ask to buy a vowel. If you are really lost and can't keep up, or you had a case of premature cybering, and really do not feel like typing for 3 days to satisfy your female counterpart, just pretend you got bumped off-line. That always works and at least she won't take it so personal. Please refrain from the excuse, "I have to let my dog out."

8. Once both cyberpartners have been satisfied, or faked satisfaction, (oh great, we now have the added pressure of faking cyber-orgasms too), at least say thank you. (Thank you can mean, thank God its over, or THANK YOU because you truly had a wonderful time.)

9. If it was a truly bad experience, do not feel pressured into ever having cybersex with this person again. When they ask for your email address, just give them the wrong one. If they begin to pester you, it's proper etiquette to just bump yourself off-line, or just say HUH? I never got your message. Nobody needs to suffer a really bad cyber twice.

10. Last but not least, remember that cybersex will not make you go blind, unless you keep all the lights out in the house while having it, watching the screen in the dark does make your eyes burn. Realize that you may be addicted if your real life partner walks by naked and you'd rather be typing with one hand and still trying to keep a steady rhythm going. Sex can be just as nice with a partner you know. And just for variety, when your right hand gets tired, try dating your left hand for something different.

COMPUTER LOVE



Thine eyes shine like CDs in the morning sun,
I long to have thy software in my hands.
And when you send a GIF for me to run,
I feel a sudden twitch within my glands.

How sweet our cybersex in private rooms,
You type of lust and send it over the Net.
How sad it seems when my love's signoff looms,
I leave my mousepad miserable and wet.

And yet I wonder on my lover's face
I only know thee through thine online chat,
And although I do not care about thy race,
Perhaps thou has the features of a rat.

But in the end your beauty matters not,
for it's your email that gets me so hot.

 

After numerous rounds of "We don't know if Osama is still
alive", Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own
handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.

Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single line
of coded message:

370HSSV-0773H

Bush was baffled, so he emailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and
her aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.
No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to
the NSA. With no clue as to its meaning they eventually asked Britain's
MI-6 for help. Within a minute MI-6 cabled the White House with this reply:

"Tell the President he's holding the message upside down."

 

heres one for the admins

 

2 deer hunters

Two hunters went deer hunting every winter without success. Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic female deer costume and learned the mating call of a female deer.

The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the buck, then come out of the costume and shoot the buck. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume and began to give the deer love call.

Before long, their call was answered as a huge buck came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing.

When the buck was close enough, the guy in front said, "Okay, let's get out and get him." After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do!?"

The guy in the front says, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you'd better brace yourself."

 

4 deer hunters

Four friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an ten-point buck.

"Where's Billy Bob?"

"Billy Bob had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail."

"You left Billy Bob laying out there and carried the deer back?"

"A tough call," nodded the hunter "but I figured no one, in their right mind, is going to steal Billy Bob."

 

They shot 6 deer

Two hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north for deer hunting. They were quite successful in their venture and bagged six big bucks. The pilot came back, as arranged, to pick them up.

They started loading their gear into the plane, including the six deer. But the pilot objected and he said, "The plane can only take four of your deer, you will have to leave two behind." They argued with him; the year before they had shot six and the pilot had allowed them to put all aboard. The plane was the same model and capacity. Reluctantly, the pilot finally permitted them to put all six aboard. But when the attempted to take off and leave the valley, the little plane could not make it and they crashed into the wilderness.

Climbing out of the wreckage, one hunter said to the other, "Do you know where we are?" "I think so," replied the other hunter. I think this is about the same place where we crashed last year!"

 

Elderly farmer and young wife

The marriage between the elderly farmer and his young wife was not working out too well, so the farmer consulted his doctor for advice.

"The next time you're down in the field plowing and feel a yearning for your wife." said the doctor, "don't wait until lunch time or the end of the day, but quit what you're doing and go to the house." "I tried that," said the farmer, "but by the time I get to the house, I am so tuckered out, it's no use."

The doctor thought for a minute, "Take your rifle with you when you leave the house in the morning and if you feel the urge, shoot the rifle and she will come down there where you are."

A few weeks later the two men met on the street.

"How did it work out?" asked the doctor.

"Fine, the first three days," said the farmer, "then deer hunting season opened and I haven't seen her since."

 

Deer hunting in bear country

A first time deer hunter booked a hunt with an experienced outfitter. He would be hunting a productive area, but it was filled with grizzly bears. When he got to camp, he insisted that his guide be 60 years old or older. The outfitter thought this was very odd, seeing that the hunter himself was in his early thirties.

The novice hunter downed a nice buck, but skinning and butchering the deer attracted some big grizzlies in the area. The hunter returned to base camp with his clothes shredded, telling the story of being attacked by a bear.

The outfitter wanted to know where his guide was. The hunter said he was still laying in the woods. The outfitter asked him how his clothes got torn, and the hunter said that while they were working on the deer carcass, a grizzly bear had ambushed them and he was attacked.

He said, "I hit the bear with my gun and took off running. As I was running away the guide yelled at me to play dead, that you can't outrun a bear. I yelled back, I don't have to outrun the bear, I just have to outrun you."

 

Bruce and Bubba go deer hunting

Bruce and Bubba went deer hunting, and Bubba shot a deer. They started to take it back to their truck. They were pulling it by the hind feet. That made the fur snag on the ground, making it hard to pull.

Another hunter, seeing their dilemma, told them it would be easier to pull the deer by the rack. That way the fur wouldn't snag on the ground. The guys thanked the man, and he went on.

After a little discussion, they decided to drag it by the rack. Bruce turned to Bubba and said,"Ya know, this is a lot easier to drag now." Bubba said,"Yeah, but we sure are getting a long way away from the truck."

-------------------------------------------------------------------

The old buck and young buck

Their was this old buck and a young buck standing on top of a ridge overlooking a lush meadow. Grazing in the meadow below were about 20 unsuspecting doe.

The young buck said to the old buck "Why don't we run down to the meadow and mate with one of those doe".

The old buck turns to the young buck and replied "Why don't we walk down to the meadow and mate with them all".

Moral of the story "With age comes wisdom".

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Man and wife at the big horn show

A man takes his wife to the Big Horn show. As they strolled through the show enjoying sites they noticed a seminar on the life cycle of the deer. They thought that this sounded interesting so they went in and joined the seminar already in progress.

About that time the speaker stated that "A dominant buck may mate 100 or more times in a single season."

His wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! 100 times in a season, that's more than once a day! You could really learn from these deer."

The man turns to his wife and says, "Raise your hand and inquire if it was 100 times with the same doe."


--------------------------------------------------------------------

Three bucks

Three bucks are in a mountain meadow complaining. They've heard a rumor that a huge buck has entered their area, and they aren't happy about sharing any of their does.

The Alpha buck says, "You know, since we settled our differences and split up the does, I've been pretty happy with MY 30 does. I am not about to share any of MY does with this new buck."

The second toughest buck says, "Yeah, well I ended up with only 20 does, so I can't afford to share any of MY does."

The youngest buck says, "I may only be half as big as you guys, but I'm not going to give up any of My 10 does."

Suddenly the biggest, baddest buck they had ever seen appeared at the edge of the meadow. He must have weighed close to 375 pounds and with huge sweeping antlers. As the huge buck trotted towards the three other bucks the ground seemed to shake.

Suddenly the former Alpha buck is a bit more flexible, "Well, maybe I could spare a FEW does."

The second toughest buck says, "Maybe if I hide in the bushes, he'll leave me alone."

But the small, young buck is snorting, raking the brush and shaking his fledgling antlers in an extremely confrontational way.

Worried about the reckless youngster, the two older bucks trot over to the young buck and say, "Listen, son. It's not worth dying for. Just give the new buck your 10 does."

"He can HAVE my 10 does," replies the young buck, raking the brush and shaking his fledgling antlers again. "I'm just making sure he knows I'm a BUCK!"


=====================================================================

Two men go hunting

Two men from the states were very excited about a 3 day hunting trip. They were going to Canada to hunt some big game animals, since they were just used to hunting small deer, rabbit, and squirrel in the states. The first day the game warden wished them luck cause it hadn't been a good season and no one had killed anything in two weeks.

The two men left to go hunting and when they came back that night the warden greeted them by saying, "Have any luck?" The men pulled up a huge buck that they had killed which had a bullet hole right between the eyes. The warden congratulated them and said, "That was one heck of a shot."

The next day the warden greeted the two men again before they left and again wished them luck. This night the men came back with an even bigger buck and the buck also had a bullet hole right between the eyes. The warden was amazed at their success and also the good aim the hunters had.

The last day went about the same as the first two and on the last night the two hunters came back with a huge grizzly bear. The bear also had a bullet hole right between the eyes but it also had a hole in each paw. The warden noticed this and questioned the two men how that happened. One of the hunters replied with, "That's where he tried to cover his eyes from the spot light."

A man was recently stopped by a game warden in northern Missouri. The fellow

=====================================================================

A man was recently stopped by a game warden in northern Missouri. The fellow carrying two buckets of fish, was leaving a lake well known for its fishing. The game warden asks the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish? If you don't, I'm going too have to impound them and arrest you." The man replied to the game warden, "No sir. These are my pet fish." "Pet fish?" the warden replied. "Yes sir. Every night I bring these fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. Then I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and we go home." "That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!" The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, "Here, I'll show you it really works." "OK I've got to see this" (he was really curious now) The man poured the fish into the lake and stood there waiting. "When are you going to call them back?" the warden prompted. "Call who back?" the man asked. "The fish" the warden said. "What fish?" the man asked

(note for me,end of page one..on hunting..}

 

Beat Up Car




You might have a beat car if the police are constantly pulling you over to check for dead bodies because the car stinks so bad.

You might have a beat car if your own mother would rather walk ten miles to your house, then ride in the car.

You might have a beat car if your own wife divorices you because she is so ashamed of it.

You might have a beat car if everyone in your town stops and stares and says what the hell?

You might have a beat car if your own mechanic hung himself to avoid working on your car.

You might have a beat car if everytime you pull into your local Pepboys and everyone asks you if you won the demo derby?

You might have a beat car if the entire thing is held together by duct tape and clothes hangers.

You might have a beat car if everytime you drive it people think it's on fire and call 911 because it smokes so bad.

You might have a beat car if you try to put it in a junkyard and the owners tell you were not taking that piece of crap.


____________________________________________________________________

35 Fun Things To Do While Driving



1. Have a friend ride in the back seat. Gagged.

2. Roll down your windows and blast talk radio. Headbang.

3. Wear snorkel gear and hang fish around from the ceiling.

4. Two words: Chicken suit.

5. Write the words "Help me" on your back window in red paint. The more it looks like blood, the better.

6. Pay the toll for the car behind you. Watch in rearview mirror as toll collector tries to explain to next driver.

7. Laugh. Laugh a lot. A whooooole lot.

8. Stop at the green lights.

9. Go at the red ones.

10. Occasionally wave a stuffed animal/troll doll/Barbie out your window or sunroof. Feel free to make it dance.

11. Eat food that requires silverware.

12. Put your arms down the legs of an extra pair of trousers, put sneakers on your hands, and lean the seat back as you drive.

13. At stop lights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously. With a look of fear, suddenly lock your doors.

14. Honk frequently without motivation.

15. Wave at people often. If they wave back, offer an offended and angry look as if they gave you an obscene gesture.

16. At stop lights, ask people if they have any Grey Poupon.

17. Let pedestrians know who's boss.

18. Look behind you frequently, with a very paranoid look.

19. Restart your car at every stop light.

20. Hang numerous car-fresheners in the rear-view mirror. Talk to them, stroking them lovingly.

21. Lob burning things in the windows of smokers who throw their butts out the window.

22. Keep at least five cats in the car.

23. Squeegee your windshield at every stop.

24. If an firetruck comes up behind you, pull over, get on the roof of your car, and do a cheer for them as they pass!

25. Compliment other drivers on their skill and finesse.

26. Have conversations, looking periodically at the passenger seat, when driving alone.

27. Stop and collect roadkill.

28. Stop and pray for roadkill.

29. Stop and cook roadkill. (If in Tennessee.)

30. Throw Spam. Tape signs on windows protesting email abuse.

31. Get in the fast lane and gradually... slow... down... to... a stop. Then get out and watch the cars.

32. Vary your vehicle's speed inversely with the speed limit.

33. Drive off an exit ramp, ask for directions to the town you're in. When they tell you you're there, look confused, glance at your map, laugh, and exclaim, "Oh! Wrong state!"

34. Sing without having the radio on.

35. At stop lights, run out of your car, place pylons around you, then gather them back up as the light changes and drive off...
___________________________________________________________________

Car Owners Hate Book



From MAD Magazine Issue 154, October 1972

Don't You Hate...

... being the only one caught speeding when you were just going as fast as everyone else.

... getting into the "Exact Change Only" lane and ending up behind a guy who finds he hasn't got the exact change.

... when something happens the day after you let your comprehensive insurance expire.

... the nauseating smell of gasoline that wafts forward to tell you that they've over-filled your tank again.

... "One Way" and "No Turn" signs that take you miles out of your way. ... bumpers that are higher than yours.

... repair shops that always have to order the part you desperately need. ... finally getting into that moving lane only to find that it abruptly stops ... and your old one moves from then on.

... a convertible top that invariably fails to operate whenever there's a sudden cloudburst.

... lending your car to someone ... and after it's returned, the engine makes a strange sound you've never heard before.

... car radios that fade out at critical moments.

... finding a vacant space where you parked your car.

... strange noises that always disappear the minute you take your new car back to the dealer ... and re-appear again right after you leave.

... having to go to the bathroom on one of those new treeless, bushless, exitless super-highways.

... hearing the unmistakable sound of a failing engine when you're right smack in the middle of the worst section of town.

... people who carelessly track whatever they stepped into right into your brand new car.

... know-it-all mechanics who insist that it's perfectly okay to do exactly the opposite - or use other parts - than what the manufacturer of your car specifically recommends.

... people who let kids eat in your new car.

... two cars that take up three parking spaces.

... glimpsing your car keys in the ignition just as you're slamming the locked car door.

... getting a flat tire in the middle of nowhere when you're dressed to the hilt.

... lending someone your car with a full tank of gas - and having it returned with exactly two drops left.

... your new car's air conditioner that conks out during the first heat wave.

... reminding you of how the heater conked out during the first cold wave.

... being trapped between two huge trucks ... and having to go miles beyond your turn-off.

... forgetting where you parked your car in a 10,000 car parking lot. ... finding a strange new puddle in your garage.

... gas station attendants who act like they're doing you the biggest favor in the world when they finally get to you.

... returning to your car the next morning just as the last faint glimmer of light fades from your headlights.

 

you Know You Have Too Much Horsepower When


1. The emissions test guy starts laughing as soon as you pull onto the rollers.

2. You can't drive your car in the rain.

3. Your 'significant other' is afraid to drive your car.

4. You are afraid to drive your car.

5. You spend more on tires than on food.

6. You spend more on car insurance than on house payments.

7. You look in a state police car and see a picture of your car taped to the dash.

8. You throw your underwear in the garbage rather than the hamper.

9. You have to go to the track to buy gas.

10. Your mechanic names the new wing of his shop after you.

11. Jacques Villeneuve and Michael Schumacher wave you by.

12. You can make the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs.

13. You're tempted to wear your fire suit just to drive to the office.

14. Red signal lights shift to green as you're approaching then shift back to red as you're receding.

15. You arrive somewhere before you left.

16. You get pulled over for doing 155 in a 35 but the cops will let you go if "they can look under the hood."

17. You remove the $2000 stereo system to save 6 lb. of weight.

18. You are not allowed to run in the Silver State Challenge.

19. You get an anonymous phone call asking if you are interested in being in the Cannonball Run.

20. Your face looks like you are riding a NASA centrifuge when you drive the car.

22. You need parachute braking.

23. 'significant other' won't even ride in the car.

24 There is no possible way to "sneak out" of your neighborhood at 6 am.

25. Your pets scramble for their hiding spots as soon as the garage door is opened. (Pets, and all the neighbors...)

26. Family photos throughout the house are replaced with ife-sized posters of your car.

27. Fuel is delivered to your home: in 55 gallon drums!

28. You carry earplugs in your car.(doesn't everybody???)

29. The only spot on the car which receives any regular cleaning is the windshield. (what else is there to clean???)

30. You find out that side mirrors don't hold up at speeds exceeding 145 mph.

 

Car Names Explained


AUDI- Always Unsafe Designs Implemented.
BMW-Big Money Works.
* Brutal Money Waster.
* Bimbette Motor Weapon.
* Break My Window.
BUICK-Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer.
CHEVROLET- Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips.
* Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time.
* Cheap Heap, Every Valve Rattles, Oil Leaks Every Time.
*Condition Hopeless, Entire Vehicle Relies On Leftover Engine Technology.
DODGE-Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere.
*Dem Old Dudes Go Everywhere.
*Dead or Dying Gas Eater.
*Dear Old Dad's Geriatric Express.
FIAT- Failure in Italian Automotive Technology.
*Fix It All the Time.
*Fix it again, Tony!
FORD - First On Recall Day.
*Fixed Or Repaired Daily.
*First On Rust and Deterioration.
*Fix Or Repair Daily.
*Found On Road, Dead.
*Fast Only Rolling Downhill.
*Features O.J. and Ron's DNA.
*Found On Russian Dump.
GM- General Maintenance.
* Great Mistake.
* GMC- Garage Man's Companion.
* Got A Mechanic Coming?.
HONDA - Had One Never Did Again.
HYUNDAI-Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable And Inexpensive...
MAZDA- Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along.
OLDSMOBILE-Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind *Infuriatingly Late Everywhere.
Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick's Irregular Leftover Equipment.
PINTO - Put in new transmission often.
PONTIAC - Poor old Neanderthal thinks its a Cadillac.
SAAB-Send Another Automobile Back.
*Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown.
*Sorry Arsed Auto Builders.
TOYOTA-Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto.
VOLVO- Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object.
*Vehicles Of Low Velocity Owners.
VW-Virtually Worthless.