Ireland's And All Members Jokes And Picture Thread For All Days Of The Week

Hilarious ireland (and i know i butchered hilarious

 

50/50



A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap.

The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs.

The old gentleman said, "Oh no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50."

The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, "It's his turn with the teeth."

 

Out With The Boys

A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But it was payday, so instead of
going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and
spending his entire pay check. When he finally appeared at home on Sunday
night, he was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two
hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, "How would you like
it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" He replied, "That would
be fine with me."


Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and
went with the same results. But on Thursday, the swelling went down just
enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

 

Title: The Joys of Customer Service


After experiencing difficulties with his computer, a poor, incognizant user called the system maker's technical support line for assistance:

Technician: "Hello. How can I help you today?"

Customer: "There's smoke coming from the power supply on my computer."

Tech: "Sounds like you need a new power supply."

Cust: "No, I don't! I just need to change the startup files."

Tech: "Sir, what you described is a faulty power supply. You need to replace it."

Cust: "No way! Someone told me that I just had to change the system startup files to fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the right command."

For the next ten minutes, in spite of the technician's efforts to explain the problem and its solution, the customer adamantly insisted he was right. So, in frustration, the technician responded...

Tech: "I'm sorry. We don't normally tell our customers this, but there's an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem."

Cust: "I knew it!"

Tech: "Just add the line "LOAD NOSMOKE.COM at the end of the CONFIG.SYS file and everything should work fine. Let me know how it goes."

About ten minutes later, the technician received a call back from the customer...

Cust: "It didn't work. The power supply is still smoking!"

Tech: "Well, what version of DOS are you using?"

Cust: "MS-DOS 6.22."

Tech: "Well, that's your problem. That version of DOS doesn't include NOSMOKE. You'll need to contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch. Let me know how it all works out."

When nearly an hour had passed, the phone rang again...

Cust: "I need a new power supply."

Tech: "Really? How did you come to that conclusion?"

Cust: "Well, I called Microsoft and told the technician what you had said, and he started asking me questions about the make of the power supply."

Tech: "What did he tell you?"

Cust: "He said my power supply isn't compatible with NOSMOKE."

 

You know you're having a bad day when -



Your horn sticks on the freeway behind 32 Hell's Angels.

You've been at work 3 hours before you notice that your fly is open.

Your twin sister forgets your birthday.

Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.

You call suicide prevention and they put you on hold.

You have to sit down to brush your teeth in the morning.

Everyone avoids you the morning after the company office party.

Your income tax refund check bounces.

It costs more to fill up your car than it did to buy it.

The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.

You wake up and your braces are stuck together.

Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife.

You put both contacts in the same eye.

Your mother approves of the girl you are dating.

Your doctor tells you that you're allergic to chocolate.

You have to borrow from your Visa card to pay your MasterCard.

Nothing you own is actually paid for.

Everyone loves your driver's license picture.

The health inspector condemns your office coffee maker.

You invite the peeping Tom in . . . and he says no.

The Gypsy fortune teller offers to refund your money.

People think that you're 40 and you're only 35.

You call your husband and tell him that you'd like to eat out tonight and

when you get home, there's a sandwich on the front porch.

You start to put on the clothes that you wore home from the party last night...and there aren't any.

 

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, told him that he would now need to enter a password. Something he will use to log on.

The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention.

So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in

P...
*...
N...
*...
S

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:


***PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH***

 

One of the major differences between men and women is quite apparent when you
enter the apartment of the average bachelor; interior decorating. To a young
man, an entertainment center is a stereo, dvd player, and television displayed on
concrete blocks and pine planks. Nothing except the stain on the furniture
match, and the rug has enough dirt to start a vivable corn field. The
bathroom can best best described as "early nuclear disaster", and the
bedroom, except for the tastefully placed mirrors, is best left unmentioned.
Upon marriage, men discover the true meaning of "living space", where every
room has to have a "theme", all the pieces match, and articles he has never
heard of before take on an important part of his waking hours. Example from
my marriage: until we were married, I was blissfully unaware of pillow shams.
For some unfathomable reason, my bride had to have pillow shams. "What, pray
tell are pillow shams?" I asked.
She looked at me as if I had drool dripping down my chin, and said in an icey
voice, "Pillow shams are those frilly, decorative pillows that match the
bed-spread and cover the other pillows." I said with a leer, "I'm all for
more pillows! Let's get those babies right now!:" We did, but she neglected
to tell me one important feature about pillow shams. As the name implies, you
don't use them as pillows. They are for display only. This means that every
night you have to take the pillow shams off the bed, stack them neatly near
the bed, and in the morning, replace them on the bed, adding at least two
minutes to the bed-making process. In order to make my bride happy, I spent
$150.00 on something to decorate the one room of the house no one else ever
sees. Pillow shams are difficult to fit into a conversation. "Say, Fred,
would you like to see a really nice set of pillow shams, they match our
bedspread, you know." I don't even want to talk about the bathroom and the
"seat covers", which I believe were invented by some sadistic woman who's
husband left the seat up once too often.

 

> SNAPPY ANSWER NUMBER 1
> A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.As
> a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his
> trench coat and flashed her.
> Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not
> your stub."
>
>
> SNAPPY ANSWER NUMBER 2
> A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but
> couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do
> these turkeys get any bigger?"
> The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
>
> SNAPPY ANSWER NUMBER 3
> The policeman got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding
> rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
> The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
>
> SNAPPY ANSWER NUMBER 4
> A truck driver was driving along on the notorway. A sign comes up that
> reads "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of
> him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.
> Finally, a police car comes up. The policeman gets out of his car and
> walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says,"Got
> stuck, huh?"
> The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out
> of gas."
>
> SNAPPY ANSWER NUMBER 5
>
> A crowded United Airlines flight was cancelled. A single agent was
> rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry
> passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the
> counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be "FIRST
> CLASS."
> The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you,
> but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work
> something out."
> The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers
> behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"
> Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address
> microphone. "May I have your attention please," she began, her voice heard
> clearly throughout the terminal."We have a passenger here at Gate 14 who
> does not know who he is".
> "If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14".With
> the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the
> United agent, gritted his teeth and swore, "F*** you!"
> Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll
> have to get in line for that, too."
>
>
> And the VERY BEST snappy answer ....
>
> SNAPPY ANSWER NUMBER 6
>
> THE TEACHER Snappy Answer OF THE YEAR
>
> A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class,
> I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might
> consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness,or a
> death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses
> whatsoever!"
> A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, "What
> would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter
> sexual exhaustion?"
> The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.
> When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the
> student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have
> to write the exam with your other hand."
>

 

For those lacking the basics of etiquette:


http://www.howdydoodytime.com/doos.htm

 

Rules of the South (redneck Jokes)

Save all manner of bacon grease. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating.

Just because one can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can't stay home the two days of the year it snows.

If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four-wheel-drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way: This is what they live for.

Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and fishing bait in the same store.

Remember: "Y'all" is singular.

"All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.


There is nothing sillier than a northerner imitating a Southern accent, unless it is a Southerner imitating a Boston accent.

People walk slower here.

Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.

The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "Big ol'", as in "big ol' truck" or "big ol' boy". Eighty-five percent begin their new southern influenced dialect with this expression. One hundred percent are in denial about it.

The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.

"He needed killin'" is a valid defense here.

If attending a funeral in the South: remember, we stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down.

If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.

Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.

Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car's windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.

The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until November.

If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the tiniest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store, it is just something you're supposed to do.

Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one it is to be positioned directly in front of your trailer. This is logical bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed.

Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer.

Florida is not considered a Southern state (except Gainesville). There are far more Yankees than Southerners living there.

As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for the vehicle.

You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to find it yourself.

 

Joke Name : Rules of the Southern Lifestyle (redneck Jokes)

All good Southerners already know these, but in fairnessto those Yankees who were dumb enough to stay down here:

1.Don't order a steak at a Waffle House. They serve breakfast 24 hrs a day, so let them cook something they know.

2.Don't laugh at people's names. Merleen, Bodie, Luther Ray, Tammy Ann, Mari Beth, and Inez have all been known to whip a man's ass for less than that.

3.Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda -- this can lead to a merciless beating. Down South it's called Coke, even if you want a Pepsi.

4.Don't show allegiances to any college football squad that isn't an SEC team. All the others are a bunch of candy asses who get to play Wyoming every week.


5.Don't refer to Southerner's as a bunch of hillbillies. Many of us are/have been more literate than you (e.g. Welty, Williams, Faulkner), better educated, and generally much nicer to boot.We've got plenty of business sense (e.g.Turner Broadcasting, MCI WorldCom, MTV, and Netscape). Naturally, we can have lapses of judgment from time to time (e.g. Clinton, Fordice, Duke). We don't care if you think we're dumb, we know better!

6.We are fully aware that the humidity is high. Quit your bitching, spend your money, and leave.

7.Don't order wheat toast at the Cracker Barrel. If you do this, everyone will know you're from Ohio. Eat the biscuits like God intended and for goodness sake, don't put sugar in your grits.
8.Don't attempt to fake a Southern accent.Nothing will incite a riot faster.

9.Don't go around talking about how much better it is back home.If you don't like it here, take your Yankee ass back home.

10. We don't play lacrosse, hockey or any of those other sissy ass Northern games, so don't ask about the scores. We...simply...don't...care.

11. We know how to speak proper English, we talk this way because we want to and we can. It's like playing jazz, you have to know how to do it right first.

12. Last, but by no means least...DO NOT try to tell us how to Bar-B-Q. This could lead to permanent expulsion and revocation of your work visa.Consider yourself just damn lucky that we let you come down here in the first place. Don't push your luck!

 

Redneck Driver's License Application (redneck Jokes)

Last name: ________________

First name (check appropriate box):


[_] Billy-Bob
[_] Bobby-Sue
[_] Billy-Joe
[_] Bobby-Jo
[_] Billy-Ray
[_] Bobby-Ann
[_] Billy-Sue
[_] Bobby-Lee
[_] Billy-Mae
[_] Bobby-Ellen
[_] Billy-Jack
[_] Bobby-Beth-Ann


Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)

Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ Not sure

Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right

Occupation:

[_] Farmer
[_] Mechanic
[_] Hair Dresser
[_] Waitress
[_] Unemployed
[_] Dirty Politician


Spouse's Name:__________________________
2nd Spouse's Name: _________________________
3rd Spouse's Name: _________________________
Lover's Name: ____________________________


2nd Lover's Name: __________________________


Relationship with spouse:

[_] Sister
[_] Aunt
[_] Brother
[_] Uncle
[_] Mother
[_] Son
[_] Father
[_] Daughter
[_] Cousin
[_] Pet


Number of children living in household: ___
Number of children living in shed: ___
Number of children that are yours: ___

Mother's Name: _______________________
Father's Name: _______________________
(If not sure, leave blank)

Education: 1234 (Circle highest grade completed)

Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home?

Vehicles you own and where you keep them:

___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks



Firearms you own and where you keep them:

____ truck
____ kitchen
____ bedroom
____ bathroom
____ shed




Model of your pickup: _____________
Year pickup produced: 194____


Do you have a gun rack?

[_] Yes [_] No; If no, please explain:_________________________


Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:

[_] The National Enquirer
[_] The Globe
[_] MAXIM
[_] TV Guide
[_] Soap World
[_] Rifle and Shotgun



___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO



How often do you bathe:


[_] Weekly
[_] Monthly
[_] Not Applicable


How many teeth? ___
Color of teeth:

[_] Yellow
[_] Brownish-Yellow
[_] Brown
[_] Black
[_] N/A



Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:

[_] Red-Man


How far is your home from a paved road?

[_] 1 mile
[_] 2 miles
[_] don't know

 

Blind Bunny, Meet Blind Snake (animal Jokes)

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the
bunny trail, and he tripped over a large snake and fell, KerPlop!, right on his twitchy
little nose. "Oh, please excuse me!" said the bunny. "I didn't mean
to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see."

"That's perfectly all right," replied
the snake. "To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you,
but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are
you?"

"Well, I really don't know," said the
bunny. "I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me
and find out.


"

So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he
said, "Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little
fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose... You must be a bunny rabbit!"

Then he said, "I can't thank you enough, but
by the way, what kind of animal are you?"

And the snake replied that he didn't know, and
the bunny agreed to examine him, and when he was finished, the snake said, "Well,
what kind of an animal am I?"

So the bunny felt the snake all over, and he
replied, "You're hard, you're cold, you're slimy and you haven't got any balls... You must be a lawyer."

 

Be Careful What You Wish For (gross Jokes)

A man was digging in his garden, when his shovel hit a hard object buried in the earth, which revealed itself to be an old bottle sealed with a cork. The man wrenched the cork free and, to his astonishment, there was a cloud of smoke and a clap of thunder. Standing before him was a genie.

"As a reward for freeing me, I shall grant you three wishes," said the genie, "But understand, whatever you wish for, your most hated enemy shall receive twice over."

The man's most hated enemy happened to be his next door neighbour, Jones. "Let's see. My first wish is..." He looked at his weather beaten bungalow, "...to live in a ten story luxury mansion.' The genie clapped his hands and suddenly his minute shack transformed into the most beautiful house he had ever laid eyes on.


He heard a cry of astonishment from next door and looked over to see Jones standing in the doorway of his new twenty story mansion."Now I want fifty of the most beautiful women imaginable." said the man. There was a puff of smoke and his wish was granted. He was annoyed, however, to see Jones grinning and waving, surrounded by his own harem of 100 women, all twice as attractive.

"What is your final wish, Master?' asked the genie.

"I want to lose a testicle," said the man.

 

Amust!!!!!!
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http://www2.collegehumor.com/movies/166220





An Amazing Connection With God (medical Jokes)

A 70-year-old man goes to the doctor's for a physical.The doctor runs some tests and says to the man, "Well, everything seems to be in top condition physically, but what about mentally?How is your connection with God?"And the man says, "Oh me and God?We're tight.We have a real bond, he's good to me.Every night when I have to get up to go to the bathroom, he turns on the light for me, and then, when I leave, he turns it back off."Well, upon hearing this the doctor was astonished. He called the man's wife and said, "I'd like to speak to you about your husband's connection with God.He claims that every night when he needs to use the restroom, God turns on the light for him and turns it off for him again when he leaves.


Is this true?"And she says, "That idiot, he's been peeing in the refrigerator!"

 

Labor Pain Machine (medical Jokes)

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father.

He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.

The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.


At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.

 

Better not pull her over
A woman is driving her car when she is pulled over by a a cop.
He says to her: "Ma'am, may I see your licence please? you were speeding".
The woman answers: "Oh no, officer, I don't have a licence, they took it after the 4th time I was caught driving drunk.".

The officer replies: "That is serious. Give me the car's registration forms, please".

The woman answers: "Oh, this is not my car. I stole it from my boss after I killed him. His body is in the trunk, by the way".

The cop is amazed and immidietly calls for backup while slowly moving away from the car, his hand on his gun.

When backup comes, the chief of the police approaches the woman with his gun pointed at her and orders her to get out of the vehicle.

The woman walks out, as ordered. Then the cheif says: "Ma'am, the officer said you reported a dead body in your trunk. please open it".

The woman acts amazed and when she opens the trunk, there is nothing there.

The surprised cheif says: "Can I also see your driving-licence?".

The woman opens her wallet and hands her licence to him.

The chief says: "Well, I'm soory ma'am, I don't know what to say. The officer over there told me you had a dead body in your trunk and that you didn't have a licence".

The woman smiles and says: "bet you that bastard also told you I was speeding, didn't he?"...