Ireland's And All Members Jokes And Picture Thread For All Days Of The Week

changing the mood, deviating from politics:

 

These are'nt funny..there just..f***ed!!



However searching for "crazy fat men" brings up several picutures of George Galloway..



he is the hairest man in china..i just wanna throw a razour at him!!



Theres one for the colection Ireland.

LMAO!!it was the £100 qeustions and all!!

 

rav009
the last pix has to be removed,with the word fork in it..

 

erm....how'd that get in there ??!!

 

Eating Out

Friends of ours invited the wife and I out to dinner. Although it turned out to be a topless restaurant, my wife was a pretty good sport and pretended to enjoy the evening.

On the way home though, even the defrosters at full force wouldn't keep the windshield from icing over on her side of the car.

"Awwwww come on." I said.
"It wasn't that bad."

"Your ordering didn't help matters." she said fuming.

"What ?" I replied.
"I only ordered a dozen oysters."

"ONE AT A TIME ?!?!?!" she yelled.

 

Unlocking The Door

One night this guy and his girlfriend were about to go into his apartment and before he could open his door his girlfriend said,
"Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door."

The guy says,
"Well, give me some examples."

The girlfriend proceeds to tell him,
"Well the first way is, if a guy shoves his key in the lock, and opens the door hard, then that means he is a rough lover and that isn't for me.

"The second way is if a man fumbles around and can't seem to find the hole than that means he is inexperienced and that isn't for me either."

Then she said,
"Honey, how do you unlock your door?"

He then proceeded to say,
"Well, first before I do anything else, I lick the lock."

 

Cheating

A man returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport after midnight, and while enroute to his home, asked the driver if he would be a witness, as he suspected his wife was having an affair, and expected to catch her in the act.

The driver agreed, and they both tiptoed into the bedroom, turned on the lights pulled the blanket back and found the wife in bed with another man.

The husband put his gun to the man's head, and the wife shouted,
"Don't do it, this man has been very generous. Who do you think paid for the Corvette I said I bought for you, who do you think paid for our new boat, he did!"

The husband, looked over at the cab driver, and said,
"What would you do in a case like this?"

The cabbie smiled, and said,
"I'd cover him up before he catches cold."

 

Pregnant

When the gynecologist confirmed her suspicion that she was pregnant, Celeste got a little scared.
"It'll be my first baby," she confessed with a blush,
"and actually I don't know the first thing about how babies are delivered."

"Don't worry about a thing," reassured the doctor.
"It's really not all that different from how the baby got started in the first place."

Startled, Celeste exclaimed,
"You mean twice around the park with my legs hanging out of the cab?"

 

Welfare Office

A man walked into the local welfare office, marched straight up to the counter and said,
"Hi, I hate drawing welfare. I would really rather find a job."

The man behind the counter replied,
"Your timing is amazing. We just got a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes. The suits, shirts, and ties are provided. Because of the long hours of this job, meals will also be provided and you will also be required to escort the young lady on her overseas holidays trips. The salary package is $200,000 a year!"

The man said,
"You're bullshitting me man!"

The man behind the counter said,
"Yeah, well, you started it."

 

Fairy Tales

The little girl had just listened to her mother's reading one of her favorite fairy tales.

"Mommy," asked the child,
"do all fairy tales begin with, 'Once Upon a Time...?'"

"No, dearest," replied the mother,
"sometimes they start with 'Darling, I have to work a little late at the office tonight...'"
__________________________________________________________________

Stop Farting

An old married couple is in bed one night about to fall asleep when suddenly the husband farts. His wife is disgusted and screams at him,
"Don't fart!!!"

Husband says,
"Shut your mouth."

A few minutes later he farts again, she screams
"Please stop farting!!!"

Again he says,
"Just shut your mouth."

She is really angry and finally she asks him,
"How come when I ask you to stop farting, you never listen, you just tell me to shut my mouth???"

"Well" says the husband,
"I didn't want to have to tell you, but your breath is what really stinks."

 

Forgive Me Father

This fellow comes to confession.
"Father, he said, forgive me for I have sinned."

The priest asked,
"What did you do, my son?"

"I lusted," the fellow replied.

"Tell me about it," the priest said.

The fellow then related his story.
"Father, I am a deliveryman for UPS. Yesterday I was making a delivery in the affluent section of the city. When I rang the bell, the door opened and there stood the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. She had long blonde hair and eyes like emeralds. She was dressed in a sheer dressing gown that showed her perfect figure. And, she asked if I would like to come in."

"And, what did you do, my son?" asked the priest.

"Father, I did not go in the house but I lusted. Oh, how I lusted," replied the man.

"Your sin has been forgiven," replied the priest.
"You will get your reward in heaven, my son."

"A reward, father? What do you think my reward might be?" the fellow asked.

The priest replied,
"I think a bale of hay would be appropriate, you jackass."

 

Wee Button

Angus Broon of Glasgow comes to the little lady of the house exclaiming
"Maggie, cud ya be sewin on a wee button that's come off of me fly I canny button me pants. "

"Oh Angus...I've got me hands in the dishpan, go up the stairs and see if Mrs. MacDonald could be helpin ya with it"

About 5 minutes later there's a terrible crash, a bang, a bit of yelling and the sound of a body falling down the stairs. Walking back in the door with a blackened eye and a bloody nose comes Angus.

The little lady looks at him and says
"My god, what in hells name happened to you? Did you ask her like I told you?"

"Aye" says Angus.
"I asked her to sew on the wee button an she did, everything was goin fine but when she bent doon to bite off the wee thread... Mr. MacDonald walked in...

 

There was a young woman from leeds,
Who swallowed a packet of seeds,
Out of her ass grew blades of grass,
And out of her fanny grew weeds!

 

$10 000 For a Kiss

One day this fellow noticed that a new couple had moved into the house next door. He was also quick to notice that the woman liked to sunbathe in the back yard, usually in a skimpy bikini that showed off a magnificent pair of breasts. He made it a point to water and trim his lawn as much as possible, hoping for yet another look.

Finally, he could stand it no more. Walking to the front door of the new neighbor's house, he knocked and waited. The husband, a large, burly man, opened the door. "Excuse me", our man stammered, "but I couldn't help noticing how beautiful your wife is."

"Yeah? So?" his hulking neighbor replied.

"Well, in particular, I am really struck by how beautiful her breasts are. I would gladly pay you ten thousand dollars if I could kiss those breasts."

The burly gorilla is about to deck our poor guy when his wife appears and stops him. She pulls him inside and they discuss the offer for a few moments. Finally, they return and ask our friend to step inside. "OK," the husband says gruffly, "for ten thousand dollars you can kiss my wife's tits."

At this the wife unbuttons her blouse, and the twin objects of desire hang free at last. Our man takes one in each hand, and proceeds to rub his face against them in total ecstasy. This goes on for several minutes, until the husband gets annoyed.

"Well, come on already, kiss 'em!" he growls.
"I can't" replies our awe-struck hero, still nuzzling away.
"Why not?" demands the husband, getting really angry now.

"I don't have ten thousand dollars!"

 

10 Commandments of a Teenager

1) Thou shall not sneak out when parents are sleeping.
(why wait that long)

2) Thou shall not do drugs.
(alcohol lasts longer, not to mention being cheaper.)

3) Thou shall not steal from K-Mart.
(Walmart has a bigger selection)

4) Thou shall not be arrested for vandalism.
(destruction has a bigger effect, I can tell you all about this)

5) Thou shall not steal from your parents.
(everyone knows grandma has more money)

6) Thou shall not get into fights.
(Cat fight anyhow...just start them.)

7) Thou shall not skip class.
(just take the whole day off)

8) Thou shall not strip in class.
(Hooters pays more)

9) Thou shall not think about having sex.
(like Nike says, "just do it")

10) Thou shall not help old ladies across the street.
(just leave'm in the middle)

 

10 Husbands

TEN HUSBANDS

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin.

What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?

"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative;
he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in Software Services;
he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from Field Services;
he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in Telemarketing;
even though he knew he had the order, didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an Engineer;
he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from Finance and Administration;
he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in Marketing;
although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychiatrist;
all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist;
all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector;
all he ever did was ... God, I miss him!

"But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the husband, "but, why?"
"Duh; you're a LAWYER. This time I KNOW I'm gonna get screwed!"

 

10 reasons to buy a new car...

10. Your passenger seat is on the National Register of Historic Places.

9. Instead of an air bag, there's a whoopee cushion taped to your steering wheel.

8. You lose the stoplight challenge to a 14-year-old on a moped.

7. The 15 minute JiffyLube needs to keep your car for 3 days.

6. When you gas up, the attendant asks, "Can I re-duct tape that windshield for you?"

5. Thieves repeatedly break in your car just to steal "The Club."

4. While sitting at a stop light, people keep running up to you and asking if anyone was hurt.

3. For the last five years, you've had to settle for making "vroom, vroom" noises while in the driveway.

2. You keep losing dates on left turns.

1. Traffic reporters start referring to you by name when discussing morning tie-ups.