Lets Paint The Kettle Black (2) Do You Have A Bitch ? Put On Your Rubbers And Wade In.

Burn Patient

A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets a horrible sunburn. He goes to the hospital and is promptly admitted after being diagnosed in the emergency room with second-degree burns. He was already starting to blister and in agony. The doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline and a sedative and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse, rather astounded, said, "What good will Viagra do him?"

The doctor replied, "It will keep the sheets off his legs."


The Pill

- Submitted by Uri Dub

A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her it is still experimental and tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner. So, that night at dinner, she does.

About a week later she's back at the doctor. She says, "Doc, the pill worked great!! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn't five minutes and he jumps up, rakes all the food and dishes on the floor, grabs me, rips all my clothes off and ravages me right there on the table!"

The doctor says, "I'm sorry, we didn't realize the pill was that strong. The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages."

"Naah... ", she says, "that's okay. We aren't going back to that Restaurant anyway."



It's so hot in Arizona that...

* the birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.
* the potatoes cook underground, and all you have to do to have lunch is to pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.
* farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard-boiled eggs.
* the cows are giving evaporated milk.
* the trees are whistling for the dogs.
* you no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water.
* you can say 113 degrees without fainting.
* you eat hot chilies to cool your mouth off.
* you can make instant sun tea.
* you learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.
* the temperature drops below 95, you feel a bit chilly.
* you've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
* you would give anything to be able to splash cold water on your face.
* you can attend any function wearing shorts and a tank top.
* The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!
* you discover that in July, it takes only 2 fingers to drive your car.
* you discover that you can get a sunburn through your car window.
* you notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
* hot water now comes out of both taps.
* it's noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is out on the streets.
* you actually burn your hand opening the car door.
* you break a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m. before work.
* no one would dream of putting vinyl upholstery in a car or not having air conditioning.
* your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"
* you realize that asphalt has a liquid state.
* a sad Arizonan once prayed, "I wish it would rain - not so much for me, cuz I've seen it -- but for my 7-year-old."

 

I've sure experienced that one!

Years ago, I worked in inbound tourisn in Miami ... some south americans but mostly europeans. In every crowd, there was always a very light skinned brit, swede or german (who didn't see the sun with regularity, I suppose) who would go on the Miami beaches and try to get a tan in one day and spend the rest of their vacation in the hospital. Every damned time ... no matter how much you warned them. (Spanish, french, italians and portugese got burnt too but methinks they must tan a little better lol!)

 

HERE YE GO GERRY1


Saint Peter had a terrible cold and fever and didn't think he would last
the day minding the Pearly Gates of Heaven. So he phoned Jesus to ask for
the day off.

"Why, Peter," Jesus said. "You know your health is my first concern. Take
as much time as you need."

As Jesus pondered who he might use to replace Peter, he decided to handle
the job himself. It was a very slow day and no one approached the Gates
until late in the afternoon, when in the distance, Jesus saw a bent,
white-haired old man slowly making his way up the path with the aid of a
gnarled cane.

As the man neared, Jesus sa id, "Good afternoon, Sir. How may I help you?"

"Well," replied the man, "I was hoping to enter the Gates of Heaven."

"We would certainly love to have you," said Jesus, "But we do have certain
rules as to who can enter Heaven. Tell me, what have you done to deserve
such an honor?"

"Actually, I have done nothing so wonderful myself," said the man. "I lived
in a small town and led a simple life as a carpenter. But my son," he
continued, "now he was special!"

With pride in his voice he said, "I raised him to be a carpenter like
myself and did my best to teach him right from wrong. And when he grew
older, an amazing transformation overcame him and to this day he's known
throughout the world and loved by all alike."

As Jesus listened to the story, a sense of recognition came to him. With a
lump in his throat and a tear in his eye, he threw open his ar ms and cried,
"Father!"

Emotional at this outburst, the old man threw open his arms and yelled,
"Pinocchio!"

 

AAABBBCCCDDD

They do 60 and .. even 80 i think in PizBuin.

 

My Favorite sunburn story,

1986, Corfu Greece, a mostly nude beach island off the coast of Albania, staring at a beautiful swede, bronze skin, lovely lowcut brown bikini bottom, very much clashed with her bright pink swimsuit top, however when she approached within 50 yards, discovered that she wasn't wearing a top, but instead a day glo pink sunburn on her you know what. Ouch, can't imagine the pain involved in those.

 

if this is to strong for afterdawn,ye site mods can delete it...and this post
cheers



Have a look at this !





Here is a powerful and amazing statement on Al Jazeera television.
The woman is Wafa Sultan, an Arab-American psychologist from Los
Angeles. I would suggest watching it ASAP because I don't know how
long the link will be active. This film clip should be shown around
the world repeatedly!

http://switch3.castup.net/cunet/gm.asp?ai=214&ar=1050wmv&ak=nul

 

Sorry Ireland, but my bitch now is having to read the freaking subtitles. Why can't the whole world speak english?

 

Sanest person I've heard on this problem in quite some time from both sides!!

 

and in closing down for the night
enjoy


My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was
God, and I didn't.
------------------------------------------------
Marriage is a three-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and
suffering.
------------------------------------------------
For Sale: Wedding dress, size 8. Worn once by mistake.
------------------------------------------------
There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman: Before marriage
and after marriage.
------------------------------------------------
Why were hurricanes usually named after women? Because when they arrive,
they're wet and wild, but when they go, they take your house and car.
------------------------------------------------
The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job.
"Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience in picking lemons?"
"Well, as a matter if fact, yes!" she replied.? "I've been divorced three times."
------------------------------------------------
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has
been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that
were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation,"I now pronounce you man and wife."
------------------------------------------------
I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring
the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing
a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier
beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked
sweetly,"So which six items would you like to buy?" Wouldn't it be great if
that happened more often?
------------------------------------------------
Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor
and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table.
"Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said. "We may not have 45
minutes." They were seated immediately.
------------------------------------------------
The reason congressmen try so hard to get re-elected is that they would
hate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.
------------------------------------------------
All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the
aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her
father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front pews
responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her
father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.
------------------------------------------------
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and
get used to the idea.
------------------------------------------------
Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your
casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what
would you like them to say?"
Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine
spiritual leader, and a great family man."
Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and
servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."
Ken said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"
------------------------------------------------
Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.
Looking up, he asks the Lord... "God, what does a million years mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A minute."
Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A penny."
Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"
The Lord replies, "In a minute."
------------------------------------------------
A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me.
Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she
sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I
should do?"
"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me,
exactly where is Larry's bar?"
------------------------------------------------
Ken was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. "Give me one last request,
dear," he said.
"Of course, Ken," his wife said softly.
"Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob."
"But I thought you hated Bob," she said.
With his last breath Ken said, "I do!"
------------------------------------------------
A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I
have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what
should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I
can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife.
I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"
The man said yes and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."

 

This is nothing to bitch about....

Horn of rhinoceros. Penis of tiger. Root of sea holly. Husk of the emerald-green blister beetle known as the Spanish fly. So colorful and exotic is the list of substances that have been claimed to heighten sexual appetite that it’s hard not to feel a twinge of disappointment on first beholding the latest entry—a small white plastic nasal inhaler containing an odorless, colorless synthetic chemical called PT-141. Plain as it is, however, there is one thing that distinguishes PT-141 from the 4,000 years’ worth of recorded medicinal aphrodisiacs that precede it: It actually works.

And it’s coming to a medicine cabinet near you. The drug will soon enter Phase 3 clinical trials, the final round of testing before it goes to the Food and Drug Administration for review, and with the FDA’s approval it could reach the market in as soon as three years. The full range of possible risks and side effects has yet to be determined, but already this much is known: Putting that inhaler up your nose and popping off a dose of PT-141 results, in most cases, in a stirring in the loins in as few as fifteen minutes. Women, according to one set of results, feel “genital warmth, tingling and throbbing,” not to mention “a strong desire to have sex.” Among men, who’ve been tested with the drug more extensively, the data set is, shall we say, richer:

http://nymag.com/lifestyle/sex/annual/2005/15061/

 

I've lost the link but, if you recall there is a company in Sydney that are feeding oysters with a solution made of viagra. To my way of thinking I'd rather have dinner AND a show...LOL

The oysters once consumed might give enough time for the patron to leave the restaurant in a dignified manner. Bon appetite.

 

Thought ye might like this one Ireland!


Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met
up with Father Flaherty.

The Father said, "Top O the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and
didn't I marry ye and yer hoosband 2 years ago?"

She replied, "Aye, that ye did, Father."

The Father asked, "And be there any wee little ones yet?"

She replied, "No, not yet, Father."

The Father said, "Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a
candle for ye and yer hoosband.?

She replied, "Oh, thank ye, Father."

They then parted ways.

Some years later they met again. The Father asked, "Well now,
Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?"

She replied, "Oh, very well, Father!

The Father asked, "And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?"

She replied, "Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins and 4 singles, 10 in
all!"

The Father said, "That's wonderful! How is yer loving housband doing?"

She replied, "E's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin' candle."

 

Ireland, i saw that a long time ago on youtube....then i decided to just forget about the whole thing because it wsa driving me mad.

 

Onya wrote:

LMAO!! That was quite clever, Onya! As for leaving the restaurant in a dignified manner, that sort of reminds me of those fearful moments in the seventh grade or so hoping to god the teacher doesn't call on you at this particular moment LOL!

@Ireland ... I wonder if that woman in the clip is still alive?

 

this sounds just like billbob when he was 3 or did this happen the other day...


Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old
son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly.
One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands. It
was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled
something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, she was
clean. The realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked
him if he needed to go, and he said "No. " I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that
child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I
said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?"
"No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the
smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny did you have
an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over,
spread his cheeks and yelled "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people
nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his
pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the
best laugh they'd ever had!

 

LMAO! That's pretty good, Ireland!

It rather reminds me of my friend's baby girl. When she was first learning to talk, she couldn't pronounce the letter "L". She'd point to the timepiece on the wall and say "C-OCK". Everytime she did, people would start to chuckle and laugh which delighed the baby to no end so she would point to the timepiece on the wall and yell "C-OCK" and every imaginable opportunity because it never failed to get a laugh. It took John and Lori forever to get out of that mess!

 

from the mouth's of children and adults

While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some
pent-up energy and ran amok.
I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and
annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be
punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as
threatening , "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I
saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after
this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I
mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my
daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were
screams of laughter.


This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for two days and a very
embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before
she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any?
We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have
snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that
8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set,
but half the crew did too, they were laughing so hard!

 

irelands tip of the day,this is if ye is tired of inputting ye password in every time ye start ye xp-poop computer

i do not think meny have seen this approach.......


To make logon an unattended process:

Click [Start] [Run] and type
control userpasswords2
Click [OK]
The [User Accounts] Property Sheet displays.
On [Users] tab, clear the [Users must enter a user name and password to use this computer] check box.
Click [Apply].
Enter a user name and password that should be used to logon automatically in the dialog box that appears.
Click [OK].
Go to [Control Panel] [User Accounts] [Change the Way Users Log On and Off].
Uncheck [Use the Welcome Screen] and [Use Fast User Switching]

 

wow i could use that as white as i am

 

Back in the late 1970s Pfizer made sunscreen with an SPF of 1500. It never got to market because Michael Jackson bought it all.