not a thread

It sure is lol!

Giving away the vintage now ;-)

-

 

Gman,


How on earth did you get a picture of my mother and my missus???


Have you been using that free Spy Satellite Software again??

LOL

 

LOL...

 

A butcher is leaning on the counter toward the close of day when a dog with a basket in its jaws comes pushing through the door.

"An' wot's this then?" he asked.

The dog knocks the basket sharply into the butcher's shins.

"You dumb dog." As he reaches down to smack the dog, he notices a note and a ten dollar bill in the basket.

The scribble on the note asks for three pounds of his best mince [ground beef].

The butcher figures this is too easy.
He goes to the window and reaches for the dried up stuff that's been sitting out all day.

The dog growls at him.

The butcher turns around and, glaring at the pup, gets the best mince from the fridge.

Weighing out about 2 1/2 pounds, he drops in on the scale with his thumb.

"Hmmmmm, a bit shy.

Who'll know?"

Again, the dog growls menacingly.

"Alright, alright," as he throws on another generous half pound.

He wraps it out, drops it in the basket, and drops in change from a five.

The dog threatens to chew him off at the ankles.

Another five goes in the basket.

The butcher is quite impressed and decides to follow the piddy pup home.

The dog quickly enters a high-rise buildings, pushes the lift button, enters the lift, and then pushes the button for the 12th floor.

The dog walks down the corridor and smartly bangs the basket on the door.

The door opens, and the dog's owner screams at the dog.

"Hey, what are you doing?

That's a really smart dog you've got there," comments the butcher.

"He's a stupid dog--that's the third time this week he's forgotten his key.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A lady was expecting the plumber; he was supposed to come at ten o'clock.

Ten o'clock came and went; no plumber; eleven o'clock, twelve o'clock, one o'clock; no plumber.

She concluded he wasn't coming, and went out to do some errands.

While she was out, the plumber arrived.

He knocked on the door; the lady's parrot, who was at home in a cage by the door, said,

"Who is it?"

He replied, "It's the plumber."

He thought it was the lady who'd said, "Who is it?" and waited for her to come and let him in.

When this didn't happen he knocked again, and again the parrot said,

"Who is it?"

He said, "It's the plumber!"

He waited, and again the lady didn't come to let him in.

He knocked again, and again the parrot said,

"Who is it?"

He said, "It's the plumber!!!!!!!!"

Again he waited; again she didn't come; again he knocked; again the parrot said,

"Who is it?";

"Aarrrrrrgggggghhhhhhh!!!" he said, flying into a rage; he pushed the door in and ripped it off its hinges.

He suffered a heart attack and he fell dead in the doorway.

The lady came home from her errands, only to see the door ripped off its hinges and a corpse lying in the doorway,

"A dead body!" she exclaimed,

"Who is it?!"

The parrot said,

"It's the plumber."

 

Very funny Brian!

Got any more?

 

Getting Revenge On Ex-Wife.



I spent the first day packing my personal belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, I had the movers come and collect my things.

On the third day,

I sat down for the last time at our beautiful dining room table by candlelight,
put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp,
a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay.

When I had finished, I went into each and every room and stuffed half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar,into the hollow of the all of the curtain rods.

I then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the ex-wife returned with her new boyfriend, all was bliss for the first few days.

Then slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything,

Cleaning, mopping, and airing the place out.

Vents were checked for dead rodents,

and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere.

Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days,

and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.

Nothing worked.

People stopped coming over to visit.

Repairmen refused to work in the house.

The maid quit.

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.

Word got out, and eventually, even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

Then I called the ex, and asked how things were going.

She told me the saga of the rotting house.

I listened politely, and said that I missed the old home terribly,
and would be willing to sign the divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

Her knowing that I had no idea how bad the smell was,
she agreed on price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth,

but only if I were to sign the papers that very day.

I agreed, and within the hour my lawyers delivered the paperwork.


A week later the ex and her boyfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company,
rape the house and pack everything to take to their new home




... including the curtain rods!


That'll teach her.

 

Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their love lives.

One woman said, "I call my husband the dentist.
Nobody can drill like he does."

The second woman giggled and confessed,
"I call my husband the miner because of his incredible shaft."

The third woman quietly sipped her whiskey until her friend asked,

"Say, what do you call your husband?"

She frowned and said,

"The postman."

"Why the postman?"

"Because he always delivers late,

and half the time it's in the wrong box."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man calls the Animal Control in his town, because there is a crazed gorilla on his roof, and he can't figure out how to get it down safely.

Soon, a van pulls up, and an old man gets out, carrying a small dog, a baseball bat, and a gun.

He hands the man the gun.

"Okay, here's what we do.

I'm going to go up onto your roof, and threaten the gorilla with this baseball bat until he falls down.

When he falls down, this little dog will bite him in the balls until he's incapacitated."

"Great," says the man.

"But what's the gun for?"

"In case I fall down instead of the gorilla – shoot the dog."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A female TV reporter arranged for an interview with a farmer, seeking the main cause of Mad Cow disease.

The Lady: "Good evening, sir. I am here to collect information on the possible source of Mad Cow Disease.

Can you offer any reason for this disease?"

The Farmer stared at the reporter and said: "Do you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year?"

The lady reporter (obviously embarrassed):

"Well, sir, that's a new piece of information, but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?"

The Farmer: "And, madam, do you know that we milk a cow twice a day?"

The reporter: "Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?"

The Farmer: "I am getting to the point, madam.

Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits twice a day and only screwing you once a year,

Wouldn't you get mad?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine.

Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first.

So, he inserted his "manhood" into the equipment, turned on the switch and everything else was automatic.

Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with much more pleasure than his wife did.
When the fun was over, though, he quickly realized that he couldn't remove the instrument from his 'member'.

He read the manual but didn't find any useful information on how to disengage himself.
He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success.

Finally, he decided to call the supplier's Customer Service Hot Line with his cell phone (Thank god for cell phones!).

"Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company.
It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?"

"Don't worry," replied the customer service rep,


"The machine will release automatically once it's collected two gallons."