The Positive Thinking Thread,Post your Quotes,Good Deeds,Life Stories etc

lol crowy i heard that one a while back

 

A man came home from work sporting two black eyes.

"What happened to you?" asked his wife.

"I'll never understand women," he replied. "I was riding up in an escalator behind this pretty young girl, and I noticed that her skirt was stuck in the crack of her ass. So I pulled it out, and she turned around and punched me in the eye!"

"I can certainly appreciate that," said the wife, "But how did you get the second black eye?"

"Well, I figured she liked it that way," said the husband, "So I pushed it back in."

 

Postman Pat's last day

It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying
the

mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood. Then
he

arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the
whole

family there who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on
his

way with a gift cheque for $500.



At the second house they presented him fine Cuban cigars in an
18-carat

gold box.



The folks at the third house handed him a case of 30-year old
Scotch

whisky.


At the fourth house a blonde in her lingerie met him at the door.
She

took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where
she

blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever
experienced.



When he had had enough they went downstairs, where the blonde fixed
him

a giant breakfast: eggs, tomatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles
and

freshly squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she
poured

him a cup of steaming coffee.



As she was pouring, he noticed a $5 note sticking out from under
the

cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he
said,
but what's the $5 for?"



Well," said the dumb blonde, "last night, I told my husband that
today

would be your last day, and that we should do something special for

you".

"I asked him what to give you".



He said, "F--k him. Give him five bucks."



She smiled shyly and said, "The breakfast was my idea."





to you.


_

 

LMAO!!!!

 

very good one ireland.

life is a circle, isn't it???

 

gonna have to pass that one on Ireland lol

 

Defence Attorney:
Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady:
I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening,
when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?

Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told him
"Take me, young man. Take me now!"

Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?

Little Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot him.

 

good one crowy lol

 

Have a look here....

http://quotesexchange.home.worldnet.att.net/famous-quotes.html

 

good link crowy lol

 

i'm now carrying a couple cans of tuna in the trunk of my car. the enormous amount of starving strays i see on my nightly wanderings keep breaking my heart. :-(

 

see, that's what the energy bars in my BOB are for. ^.^

 

There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money,and was a real miser when it came to his money. Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."

And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with Him! Well, he died.

He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!" She had a box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they Rolled it away.

So her friend said, " Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband."

The loyal wife replied," Listen, I'm a Christian; I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in That casket with him."

You mean to tell.me you put that money in the casket with him!!! "I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it."

You have to admire a woman that keeps her word. !

 

lol

 

Just got this in an email........

Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there is no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam and doing the following exercises, you will be totally prepared for the test and best of all, you can do these simple exercises right in and around your home.

EXERCISE ONE:

Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast in door. Shut the door as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure.

Hold that position for five seconds. Repeat again in case the first time wasn't effective enough.

EXERCISE TWO:

Visit your garage at 3AM when the temperature of the cement floor is just perfect. Take off all your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat with the other breast.

EXERCISE THREE:

Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Press the bookends against one of your breasts.

Smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Set up an appointment with the stranger to meet next year and do it again.

YOU ARE TOTALLY PREPARED!

AND, just a thought for all the women out there........

MENtal illness, MENstrual cramps, MENtal breakdown, MENopause............

Ever notice how all of women's problems start with men?.........And

When we have real trouble it's HISterectomy!!!!

 

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
Why the early bird gets the worm;
Life isn't always fair;
and Maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6 -year- old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer Tylenol, sun lotion or a band-aid to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realise that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement. Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 3 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, Someone Else Is To Blame, and I'm A Victim.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realised he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.

 

CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL THE KIDS WHO WERE BORN IN THE



1920's, 30's 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's !!

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us and lived in houses made of asbestos.




They took aspirin, ate blue cheese, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes or cervical cancer.




Then after that trauma, our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paints.




We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets or shoes, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.




As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.




Riding in the back of a Ute on a warm day was always a special treat.




We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.

Take away food was limited to fish and chips, no pizza shops, McDonalds, KFC, Subway or Red Rooster.


Even though all the shops closed at 6.00pm and didn't open on the weekends, somehow we didn't starve to death!

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.


We could collect old drink bottles and cash them in at the corner store and buy fruit tingles and some crackers to blow up frogs with.


We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank soft drinks with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because......




WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!!




We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.




No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.




We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. We built tree houses and cubby houses and played in creek beds with matchbox cars.




We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, no video tape movies, no surround sound, no mobile phones, no personal computers, no iPods, no Internet or Internet chat rooms..........WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!




We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no
Lawsuits from these accidents.

Only girls had pierced ears!


We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

You could only buy Easter Eggs and Hot Cross buns at Easter time.......no really!


We were given BB guns and sling shots for our 10th birthdays,


We drank milk laced with Strontium 90 from cows that had eaten grass covered in nuclear fallout from the atomic testing at Maralinga in 1956.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them!
Mum didn't have to go to work to help dad make ends meet!


Footy had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!

Our teachers used to belt us with big sticks and leather staps and bully's always ruled the playground at school.



The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!

Our parents got married before they had children and didn't invent stupid names for their kids like 'Kiora' and 'Blade'

This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!




The past 70 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.




We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned




HOW TO

DEAL WITH IT ALL!




And YOU are one of them!

CONGRATULATIONS!




You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good.




And while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were.




Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?!



PS -The big type is because your eyes are shot at your age