The Positive Thinking Thread,Post your Quotes,Good Deeds,Life Stories etc

lol good one crowy

 

LMAO!!

I can't even begin to imagine what have happened when I was a kid if some guy in the locker room had a pierced ear and colored jockie shorts LOL!

 

Just watched my 3 year old cousin go to his first T-Ball practice.
Made it all the way home, with his dad running next to him. Thats what life is about.

 

Here's a quote for ya.

"If there's fluff on the muff, then she is old enough." -Sacha Baron Cohen as Ali G

I thought it was pretty good.

 

vtowner,LOL!!!

Another good one I heard him say was "If the grass is on the pitch lets play"!!!

 

A man was lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an
oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a
difficult four hour surgical procedure, a young blonde student nurse
appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies "I don't know, sir. I 'm only here
to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles,
she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in
the other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she takes a close look
and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, sir!!"
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very
closely...

"A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - back?"

 

It seems as if we've seen the same episode.

 

LMAO!! I know I'm showing my age here but do you guys remember a comedian named "Phyllis Diller"? (She had such a great laugh that it made you laugh just to hear her laugh!) Part of her comedy routine was poking fun at herself and how unsucessful her most recent cosmetic/plastic surgery had been. On the Johnny Carson show one night, she was laughing in her wierd way while saying "If I have one more face lift I'll be wearing a goatee!" Pretty damned bold for 19 seventy something LOL!

 

Sayings That Should Be On Bumper Stickers...

Topic: Insults Galore

1. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

2. Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.

3. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.

4. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.

5. Do I look like a freakin' people person?

6. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

7. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

8. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

9. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

10. You! Off my planet!

11. I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes.

12. If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.

13. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?

14. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

15. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.

16. Do they ever shut up on your planet?

17. I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.

18. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.

19. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.

20. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

21. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

22. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

23. Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!

24. Adults are just kids who owe money.

25. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.

26. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

27. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

28. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.

29. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.

30. You look like shit. Is that the style now?

31. Earth is full. Go home.

32. Is it time for your medication or mine?

33. Does this condom make me look fat?

34. I plead contemporary insanity.

35. And which dwarf are you?

36. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

38. Meandering to a different drummer.

39. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

40. I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?





This article comes from Joke Crazy
http://www.jokecrazy.com

The URL for this story is:
http://www.jokecrazy.com/modules.php?name=News&file=article&sid=29

 

lonernz,

heres another bumper sticker a girl at work has

I Fake It So He Will Buy Me Stuff

 

I remember her well.Sitting down with mum and dad watching her.Oh the innocent days!!!Do you remember Flip Wilson?
He was my favourite.

 

ROFL!!!

P.S. It took me a while to see what you had written,to busy looking at your sig!!!

 

yeah Adriana's ok to look at huh crowy lol

 

aabbccdd,
Very relaxing on the optic nerve!!

 

A man died and went to heaven.

As he stood in front of St. Peter at The Pearly Gates, he saw a
huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks.
Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating
that she never told a lie."

"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands
have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire
Life."

"Where's Hillary Clinton's clock?" asked the man.

"Hillary's clock is in Gods office.
He's using it as a ceiling fan

 

Hello?"

"Hi honey.

This is Daddy.

Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy

She's upstairs in the bedroom

with Uncle Paul."


After a brief pause,

Daddy says,

"But honey,

you haven't got

an Uncle Paul."

"Oh yes I do,

and he's upstairs in the room

with Mommy,

right now."

Brief Pause.

"Uh, okay then,

this is what I want you to do.

Put the phone

down on the table,

run upstairs

and knock on the bedroom door

and shout to Mommy

that Daddy's car

just pulled into the driveway."

"Okay Daddy,

just a minute."

A few minutes later

the little girl comes back to the phone.

"I did it Daddy."

"And what happened honey?"


"Well, Mommy got all scared,

jumped out of bed

with no clothes on

and ran around screaming.

Then she tripped over the rug,

hit her head on the dresser

and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!!

What about your Uncle Paul?"

"He jumped out of the bed

with no clothes on, too.

He was all scared

and he jumped out of the back window

and into the swimming pool.

But I guess he didn't know

that you took out the water

last week to clean it.

He hit the bottom of the pool

and I think he's dead."

***Long Pause***

***Longer Pause***

***Even Longer Pause***

Then Daddy says,

"Swimming pool?

Is this
486-5731?"

"No"
______________________________________________________________________

SORRY WRONG NUMBER.....

 

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that she's lost. Wandering about, she notices a leopard heading rapidly in her direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep shit now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, she immediately settles down to chew on the bones with her back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is
about to leap, the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard,
spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with her back to her attackers, pretending she hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says: "Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

Moral of this story..

Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience!

 

The moral of the above story misses the mark slightly. The poodle
wasn't an old fart. She was an old broad with a corner on age and
brilliance. Better watch out fellas! LMAO

 

Custody

A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court,
but the custody of their children posed a problem.
The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she
had brought the children into this world,
she should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his
children, so the judge asked for his side of the story.
After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and replied:
"Judge, when I put a dollar into a vending machine and a Pepsi comes out,
does the Pepsi belong to me or to the machine?"

Don't laugh, he won!

 

Good story


DO ELEPHANTS REALLY HAVE GREAT MEMORIES? AN INTERESTING STORY!

In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from
Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a
young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant
seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a
large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as
he
could, Mbembe worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the
elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on
its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Mbembe stood frozen,
thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant
trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Mbembe never forgot that
elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Mbembe was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his
teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the
creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu
were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its
front foot off the ground, and then put it down. The elephant did that
several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this
was the same elephant.

Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his
way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back
in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around
one of Mbembe's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him
instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant... huh