Where Did All The Old Timers Go, A Public Meeting Place For Open Discussion

OMG that's got to be the dumbest thief. lol
he may have lost his virginity in the last fall. lol

 

It was fun being a baby boomer... Until now. Some of the artist of the 60's
are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers.

******************************************************
They include:

Herman's Hermits--- Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker.
Ringo Starr--- I Get By With a Little Help From Depends.
The Bee Gees--- How Can You Mend a Broken Hip.
Bobby Darin--- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash.
Roberta Flack--- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face.
Johnny Nash--- I Can't See Clearly Now.
Paul Simon--- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver
The Commodores--- Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom.
Marvin Gaye--- Heard It Through the Grape Nuts.
Procol Harem--- A Whiter Shade of Hair.
Leo Sayer--- You Make Me Feel Like Napping.
The Temptations--- Papa's Got a Kidney Stone.
Abba--- Denture Queen.
Tony Orlando--- Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall.
Helen Reddy--- I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore.
Leslie Gore--- It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To.


And my favorite:
Willie Nelson--- On the Commode Again

Always remember for 2007....................
Life is short, break the rules, forgive quickly,
kiss slowly, love truly, laugh uncontrollably, never regret anything that made you smile.

 

Good evening to all.....

Here is something that my mother sent me......OMGosh I LOL'd for longer than I should've. *grins*


A class of 1st graders were learning to identify colors and tastes using a bowl of lifesavers.

The children began to say:
Red......................Cherry
Yellow................Lemon
Green...................Lime
Orange.................Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. After eating them, none of the children could identify the taste.
"Well," she said, "I will give you all a clue... It's what your mother may sometimes call your father."

One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled, "Oh my gosh!! They're A$$HOLES!"


...gm

 

Good Evening All.



After a night of drinking, Steve crept into bed beside his wife who was
already asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.

When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing
a long flowing white robe. "Who the hell are you?" demanded Steve, "and what
are you doing in my bedroom?"

The mysterious Man answered, "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St. Peter".
Steve was stunned, "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much too
live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family... you've got to send me back
right away".

St Peter replied, "Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a
catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen."

Steve was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house,
he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later, he was covered in
feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad" he
thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, "So you're the new hen, how are
you enjoying your first day here?"

"It's not so bad," replies Steve, "but I have this strange feeling inside
like I'm about to explode".

"You're ovulating," explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid
an egg before."

"Never," replies Steve. "Well just relax and let it happen." And so he did
and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his
tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the
better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid
his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that
being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that had happened to him
.ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an
enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting, "Steve,
wake up you drunken bastard, you're shi**ing in the bed!

 

Guess that one has to rate as a fowl and filthy joke.

 

Breakfast for everyone:



Good morning all; I hope everyone is well. It should be a slow, decent day at work ... weather is cold, rainy and should turn to sleet and snow anytime now so everyone including my boss called out and when the cat's away this mouse will play!

 

Thanks Gerry1!!!!

Nice of you to treat us to breakfast. lol.

Actually I'll pass on the food (gettin breakfast burritos right now) just give me some of the golden eggs those geese are laying. hehehe.

....gm


AND a GOOD morning to all................

 

Oil Change instructions for Women:

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last
oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained
vehicle.

Money spent:
Oil Change: $20.00
Coffee: $1.00
Total: $21.00


Oil Change instructions for Men :

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil,
filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for
$50.00.
2) Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands. Jack car up.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process.
Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. ! !
Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and
twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil
everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can
to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket
surface.
18) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
19) Remember drain plug from step 11.
20) Hurry to find drain! ! plug in drain pan.
21) Drink beer.
22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty
litter on oil spill
23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.
24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag
used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain
plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles
and frame.
25) Begin cussing fit.
26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
28) Beer.
29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
30) Beer.
31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
32) Beer.
33) Lower car from jack stands.
34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any
missed steps.
35) Beer.
36) Test drive car.
37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
38) Car gets impounded.
39) Call loving wife, make bail.
40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:
Parts: $50.00
DUI: $2500.00
Impound fee: $ 75.00
Bail: $1,500.00
Beer: $ 20.00
Total: $4,145.00
But you know the job was done right!

 

Afternoon All!

Women getting the oil changed at Jiffy Lube:

My gf's neice had a friend that took hers there to get changed. The dumba**'s there put the plug in,but didn't put the oil in. She left the lube place and blew the motor.

They'll also tell women 5000+ things that are wrong with their car and sucker them into spending more $$$$$

I got a buddy at work who got 1 of them a couple months back. It's costing him way more than that. He has to wear an ankle bracelet/gps locator for 5 more months. The rent for that Locator ankle bracelet= $800 a month. Over $4000 + for that GPS locator ,attorney fees,$1000 fine,already served 30 day ankle bracelet/house arrest while waiting for his court date/impounded his vehicle and probably charged $30+ a day till he gets his driving privileges back. I'll bet it'll cost him easily $15,000 + after it's done,and then there's the High risk insurance premiums. He had to pull $16 G's out of his 401K.

The Kicker: The Judge has an impending DUI case going against her plus drug charges, LOL. What a Judge!! Punish everyone,but she'll get away scott-free!!!

Don't Drink and Drive!!!

 

LOVE, LUST, OR MARRIAGE?



How do you know if you're in love, in lust, or really married? For those of you who have any questions, or misplaced envy, this should clear it up:

 

@ireland,
Did you alter that just for me? LOL. I forgot what golf was until the weather broke into the 70's this week and everyone from the city decided to play. LOL. OH WELL!!

Good funny btw, thanks. ;-)

.....gm

 

saugmon, a good reason NOT to drink huh . and thats why i don't

what happened to the girl that blew her engine? did the oil change place foot the bill?

 

Happy Saint Patrick's Day?






ABOUT SAINT PATRICK

Saint Patrick is believed to have been born in the late fourth century, and is often confused with Palladius, a bishop who was sent by Pope Celestine in 431 to be the first bishop to the Irish believers in Christ.

Saint Patrick was the patron saint and national apostle of Ireland who is credited with bringing christianity to Ireland. Most of what is known about him comes from his two works, the Confessio, a spiritual autobiography, and his Epistola, a denunciation of British mistreatment of Irish christians. Saint Patrick described himself as a "most humble-minded man, pouring forth a continuous paean of thanks to his Maker for having chosen him as the instrument whereby multitudes who had worshipped idols and unclean things had become the people of God."

Saint Patrick is most known for driving the snakes from Ireland. It is true there are no snakes in Ireland, but there probably never have been - the island was separated from the rest of the continent at the end of the Ice Age. As in many old pagan religions, serpent symbols were common and often worshipped. Driving the snakes from Ireland was probably symbolic of putting an end to that pagan practice. While not the first to bring christianity to Ireland, it is Patrick who is said to have encountered the Druids at Tara and abolished their pagan rites. The story holds that he converted the warrior chiefs and princes, baptizing them and thousands of their subjects in the "Holy Wells" that still bear this name.

There are several accounts of Saint Patrick's death. One says that Patrick died at Saul, Downpatrick, Ireland, on March 17, 460 A.D. His jawbone was preserved in a silver shrine and was often requested in times of childbirth, epileptic fits, and as a preservative against the "evil eye." Another account says that St. Patrick ended his days at Glastonbury, England and was buried there. The Chapel of St. Patrick still exists as part of Glastonbury Abbey. Today, many Catholic places of worship all around the world are named after St. Patrick, including cathedrals in New York and Dublin city

Why Saint Patrick's Day?
Saint Patrick's Day has come to be associated with everything Irish: anything green and gold, shamrocks and luck. Most importantly, to those who celebrate its intended meaning, St. Patrick's Day is a traditional day for spiritual renewal and offering prayers for missionaries worldwide.

So, why is it celebrated on March 17th? One theory is that that is the day that St. Patrick died. Since the holiday began in Ireland, it is believed that as the Irish spread out around the world, they took with them their history and celebrations. The biggest observance of all is, of course, in Ireland. With the exception of restaurants and pubs, almost all businesses close on March 17th. Being a religious holiday as well, many Irish attend mass, where March 17th is the traditional day for offering prayers for missionaries worldwide before the serious celebrating begins.

In American cities with a large Irish population, St. Patrick's Day is a very big deal. Big cities and small towns alike celebrate with parades, "wearing of the green," music and songs, Irish food and drink, and activities for kids such as crafts, coloring and games. Some communities even go so far as to dye rivers or streams green!

 

Good morning all! Many places in Philly had their St. Patrick day celebrations last weekend and I'm sure they're glad they did...looking out the window (I haven't been out yet) it looks like the city is covered in about 10 inches of ice, not snow. Looks like a real beauty. I left the office early yesterday and the blowing ice hurt like hell on you skin like you were being repeatedly stung. I'll have to put on my boots and shades and go people watching. As always, the city hasn't plowed anything yet and when they do, they'll leave the plows six inches off the ground lol!

 

Meant to snow here on Sunday.. Wtf lol

 

Around here things start getting soggy and muddy this time of the year. The forecast is sunny and chilly over the weekend and warming up with rain during the coming week.

 

Aye, this is for me Irish mates. lol (hope that's right......hehehe)

A St. Patrick's Day Encounter...
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
"Why of course," comes the reply.
The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."
"Of course," replies the second man.
Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it," says the first man.
"I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."
"Of course," replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks:
"What school did you go to?"
"Saint Mary's," replies the second man.
"I graduated in '62."
"This is unbelievable!" the first man says.
"I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
"What's been going on?" he asks the bartender.

"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."

 

The_Fiend
when i was working on this pix,i though about ye,as The_Fiend sure could add some good comments to the pix for ye self to use..

 

LMAO @ irish joke.

 

Paddy was found dead in his back yard, and as the weather was a bit on the warm side, the wake was held down to only two days, so his mortal remains wouldn't take a bad turn. At last his friends laid him in the box, nailed it shut & started down the hill into the churchyard. As it was a long, sloping path and the mourners were appropriately tipsy, one fellow lurched into the gatepost as they entered the graveyard. Suddenly a loud knocking came from in the box. Paddy was alive! They opened the box up and he sat up, wide eyed, and they all said, Sure, it's a miracle of God! All rejoiced & they went back and had a few more drinks but later that day, the poor lad died. Really died. Stone cold dead. They bundled him back into his box, and as they huffed and puffed own the hill the next morning, the priest said, "Careful now, boys; mind ye don't bump the gatepost again"