Where Did All The Old Timers Go, A Public Meeting Place For Open Discussion

aabbccdd:

Her dad is a big wig at Honda of America,so he bought her a new car. He will probably rip some major a** at the jiffy lube.

Happy St. Patty's day to all!

 

Q: What is black and blue and found floating up sidedown in the Irish sea?

A: Someone who's tells a stupid Irish joke



Two drunks coming home, stumbled up the country road in the dark. "Faith, Mike, we've stumbled into the graveyard and here's the stone of a man lived to the age of 103!" "Glory be, Patrick and was it anybody we knew?" "No, 'twas someone named 'Miles from Dublin'!"


An English man and an Irish man are driving head on , at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving to fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Irish man goes to the boot and fetches a 12 year old bottle of Jameson whiskey. He hands the bottle to the English man, whom exclaims,'' may the English and the Irish live together forever, in peace, and harmony.'' The English man then tips the bottle and lashes half of it down. Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Irish man, whom replies: '' no tanks, I'll just wait till the Garda get here!''




An Irish priest and a Rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a
train. After a while, the priest opened a conversation by saying "I know that,
in your religion, you're not supposed to eat pork...Have you actually ever
tasted it?
The Rabbi said, "I must tell the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd occasion."
Then the Rabbi had his turn of interrogation. He asked, "Your religion,
too...I know you're suposed to be celibate. But...."
The priest replied, "Yes, I know what you're going to ask. I have succumbed
once or twice."
There was silence for a while. Then the Rabbi peeped around the newspaper he
was reading and said, "Better than pork, isn't it?"

 

The New Priest

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he couldn't stand still.
He asked Father Murphy for some advice. Father Murphy replied, "When I'm
worried about gettin' nervous on the pulpit, I take a wee bit o' whiskey.
Just to calm my nerves."
So the next Sunday he took the older priest's advice. Before the
mass, he got nervous and took a drink. He then proceeded to talk up a
storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note
on his door:

1. A few sips of whiskey. Not the whole bottle.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as
Senior, Junior, and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say
"He was stoned off his ass."
10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this
and eat it, for it is my body"; he did not say, "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry".
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks
for the grub, yea God"
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Patrick's,
not a patrick-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

 

Morning.. and what a nice morning it is too. Very sunny. Predicted snow for some parts fo teh UK later on, but doubt I'll get any.

Meh..

 

Good morning all! Gerry1 here having a crappy day; wierdos crawling out of the woodwork in droves. Must be a full moon tonite. Have a great one everyone!

Edit: The new Asian owners of my government office bldg. (sad but true) got fined for not cleaning the ice off the sidewalks and stairs. LOL! Not the right building to ignore the laws.

 

Good afternoon all The ladies will enjoy this one, sorry fellas, but you know it's true

Oil Change instructions for Women:

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last
oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained
vehicle.

Money spent:
Oil Change: $20.00
Coffee: $1.00
Total: $21.00


Oil Change instructions for Men :

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil,
filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for
$50.00.
2) Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands. Jack car up.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process.
Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. ! !
Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and
twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil
everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can
to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket
surface.
18) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
19) Remember drain plug from step 11.
20) Hurry to find drain! ! plug in drain pan.
21) Drink beer.
22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty
litter on oil spill
23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.
24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag
used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain
plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles
and frame.
25) Begin cussing fit.
26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
28) Beer.
29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
30) Beer.
31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
32) Beer.
33) Lower car from jack stands.
34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any
missed steps.
35) Beer.
36) Test drive car.
37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
38) Car gets impounded.
39) Call loving wife, make bail.
40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:
Parts: $50.00
DUI: $2500.00
Impound fee: $ 75.00
Bail: $1,500.00
Beer: $ 20.00
Total: $4,145.00
But you know the job was done right!

 

bbmayo HAY A SUPPRISE,AS I SEEN THAT JOKE B-4 LIKE BACK A PAGE

LOOK HERE
http://forums.afterdawn.com/thread_view.cfm/56/321926#2913590

 

Old Aunt Dora went to her doctor to see what could be done about her constipation. "It's terrible," she said, "I haven't moved my bowels in a week." "I see. Have you done anything about it?" asked the doctor. "Naturally," she replied, "I sit in the bathroom for a half-hour in the morning and again at night." "No," the doctor said, "I mean do you take anything?" "Naturally," she answered, "I take a book."

Good morning all!!!

 

Who would be a commentator...

1. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"

2. New ZealandRugbyCommentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."

3. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxfordcrew."

5. USPGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ..... Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the USMasters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday."

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."

10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."

11. Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UKeclipse coverage remarked: They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."

12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."

 

OMGosh I almost cried with these three. I thought that #7 should be followed by #9 so I deleted and left the ones that are knee-slappers for me. Gotta love Arnie and his army.

Thanks for the laugh Jan, good funnies there. hehehe.

....gm

 

OVER THE WEEK END I INSTALLED WIN 98SE FRESH INSTALL,NO DRM ON THIS BABY.

I installed clonedvd and anydvd,i know it can only use up to 512 ram..
THERE WAS NO MOVIE I COULD NOT COPY.. No updtes or crap on this install..i did have all the drivers for this box,as this box on a cd has the drivers for 98se,2000 and xp-poop..
as for vista gates can suck on vista..

it was fun to go back and play..

 

Hi Ireland, How is everything in Bridgeville??

I have to agree with you on that Vista Crap. I have it installed on my old PC to play with its going to get removed soon. I shut off every security option I could find and it still wants to control the PC. Any file modifications I want to do takes so much work its unreal. The average user would never be able to get around the security features.

Vista is nice to look at and impressive in that way, but you better not want to modify anything within it. My main PC will stick with XP Pro. No upgrades for me.

Jerry

 

Afternoon all!!

Anyone see the news last night?

There's a boy out in Oklahoma that was born with no eyelids. They had to use his foreskin to make him some eyelids.

Now for the rest of his life,he'll be Cockeyed!!!!

 

@saugmon .... LMAO!! I'll have to tell that one at work.

 

lol... cockeyed... good one

 

good night i leave ye with this

Mar 19, 2007 6:43 pm US/Eastern
Couple Sentenced For Having Sex In Front Of Child

(AP) PROVIDENCE, R.I. A Woonsocket mother and her boyfriend were sentenced to three years probation on Monday for having intercourse in front of the woman's 9-year-old daughter to teach the girl about sex.

All Rights Reserved.
total article here
http://wbztv.com/local/local_story_078184652.html

 

In some ways I dont see anything wrong with it. In other ways maybe one so young shouldn't be exposed to sex... meh...

 

@Ireland .... LMAO! Woonsocket is my home town! It's a New England (Rhode Island)town populated with mostly french canadians who came to work in the factories long ago, though I'm the last of the French speaking generations (but I spent half of my childhood in Quebec). I live in Philly but my whole family still lives in Woonsocket (French Canadians are a very ethno-centric bunch). This is the third time we made national news: we also had our own serial murderer some years back and, in the late sixties, they were the first (and only so far as I know) city to rename man-hole covers to "person hole covers" ...that made national news and national ridicule LOL! It's also a very "old style" catholic city, probably 99% of the population so that must be a big scandal indeed. (Even your's truly, Gerry1, use to wear the Jesuit cassock ...though I never completed it.)

 

the mother and boyfriend are mental cases.

 

Opps!!!! LMAO I knew I seen that before, but I forgot it was in here.